The Bed

Sometimes we hear news that hits to our very core, an opinion that shatters us and rocks the very foundation we have built our theories and beliefs on.

I have that. I have forsaken the most important task I ever chose to undertake as a divorced Dad. It doesn't matter that if I was aware of it, the truth is the deed is done and the consequences harsh. I created my own hell and have to look at myself in the mirror and accept what I have done. I have to look them in the eye and know I have let them down and I have to live with that. I cannot pray for forgiveness so how the hell will I even be able to ask them for it. They needed me to be the Dad that would come in on a white horse and whisk them off their feet and into the safety of their new home and I chose to fly out of town for my birthday.

So we can now add selfishness to the list as well. I just get better don't I? There is a stage in this madness I call life where I will have to suck it up and move ahead irrespective of the mistakes and hurt I have caused and endured, but it is not tonight.

Sometimes we cannot blame others when it is simply our own fault.

All I had to do was organise a bed!

Good night

05 June Saturday

Pain never really seems to go away, it just seems to hide and then re-emerges when you least expect it or when you are not ready to deal with it

Sometimes I wish I was more like a machine that a human, then I can just remove things that don't work, just switch off certain components and plod on

Even though I have a beautiful flat, have a large pot of soup simmering on the stove and friends who do care, I am really lonely again today. It is almost as if my joy has been drained from me and left this empty shell behind that is hollow, cold and empty.

As time sails on be it in times of sunshine or storms of the harshest darkest kind, we find that old love that is no more tends to fade and slowly die. I have 2 choices, the first is to fight it and hang onto it with every ounce of my being or alternatively realise it is over and let is pass away. It doesn't make the pain any easier, however it does enable us to find closure and move ahead.

Was Nicole's School Sports day and she was waiting at the school gate for me and gave me a big hug, strolled around with her and her 2 friends and saw friends and puppies and dogs and lots of hockey, soccer and netball. There is definitely reassuring about a school sports day, it has a lovely feeling about it and lots of laughing and smiling people. Was glad Deon did not make it, would have a little awkward.

SA vs Wales Rugby Union today so all in all ale will flow ,and joy will accepted and shared by all concerned!
Just made a toasted cheese in the frying pan with extra butter, strong cheddar cheese and white bread, fried till crisp on both sides, yup a bit of heaven mmmmmmm. Was so hot it burnt my tongue while I was eating but man o man was that good or what!

Got invited to Sarah's 7th birthday party, soccer theme and it was awesome and the snacks were AMAZING! Had a homemade Apple pie with almonds on top with cream and it was better than kissing a mermaid!

Home Bed and await the arrival of a new day.