A Plea

Dear friends,

I am in need of assistance and I am not used to asking for it.

My situation is as follows, I am in desperate need of a computer, my Apple laptop is about 7 years old and is dying rapidly. I spent 45 minutes to get one web page to open. I am not able to edit my photographs and am just a little frustrated. I have a keyboard, monitor and mouse if that helps.

I was somehow hoping that I could survive till June and hopefully by putting a little aside each month I could afford one. Truth is that I still have a third of this years school fees to pay for my girls and the new year begins in 4 days time.

A single divorced Dad with 2 teenage daughters, I am not able to plug all the holes and am humbled to write this message.

So folks, any ideas, assistance or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Nite nite.

Note: This blog took over an hour and a half to post, a little frustration was expressed

Where is Love?

Why can't I find love on my doorstep?

I have been divorced for 13 months and yes I get lonely. I enjoy my quiet times and own company and when I have my girls it is hectic and exciting and fun. The week I don't have them is so very different, like goats milk and cream soda.
I feel a void where something is missing, I am not sure if it is a spiritual void or emotional emptiness. I know the healing process is a long one and the friends who have and are walking alongside me are amazing and supportive in so many aspects. Why does friendship and company seem to present itself to me over 1000km's away, why can't it be on my doorstep or at least in a closer proximity? Could the reason be that I am not ready now for this next phase in my life? I hope not.
I know I am not ready for marriage and that level of commitment, but friendship, companionship and even dating would add something that would somehow make me feel "wanted or needed".

I want to shout to the heavens and scream 'Why! What! Help me understand! Perhaps I am simply being selfish and need to process to take its course and at the same time I want to be more proactive. Instant society equals instant gratification. I feel like a whale trapped in a sardines body, I want to explode, be all I can be but am not ready for the emotional responsibility that comes with it. Spiderman was told the same and he still found himself in sticky situations. Batman found himself partying or fighting for his life with no rest between the extremes. And as for Harry Potter, well he kept going back to a school where people were trying to kill him, same as the mentally challenged cheerleader who goes into the haunted house because she heard a scream come from it.

Sometimes stupidity comes from it all and we need our friends to hug us, turn us around and lead us home.

Do I want love? Do I want a kiss that will rock my socks off? Do I want to wake up and see a beautiful face sleeping next to me? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Time will tell.
Nite all

Saturday and a Hug

Its Saturday. Early Dr's visit with Simon and then off to the pharmacy followed by breakfast at Smau's which was awesome.

Home, homework for Simon and TV for Nicole.
Dad on couch.
Complicated?
Nope its Saturday.

This is a day for lying back, for smiling, eating too much and spending it with the ones you love. A day to eat prego rolls and boerewors rolls so juicy the sauce runs down your chin, vegetable pesto pasta, pizza with hot stringy mozzarella or fried chicken and couscous salad with a crispy white wine.

If you have a partner, make them a cup of tea or coffee and hold hands as you stroll together, forget about the world and its madness for a while, imagine the 2 of you are alone and kiss is public because you just love life more than the strangers stares and giggles around you.

I see families rushing through life and so intent on doing life they forget to live life. Go to a busy coffee shop in a shopping centre and order something to drink and just watch people. See if you can spot the lovers, the workers, the sad and lonely, the hurt, the tired and the bitter.

What concerns me is that the only ones holding hands and paying real attention to their partners are the young and the retired. The inbetweeners are in the fast lane, hooting profusely and overtaking each other with spittle and sweat flying. We are racing towards divorce, nervous breakdowns, ulcers, heart attacks, cancer and debt. We have to slow down. We have to take an inventory of our priorities in lives and decide whether we want to change lanes or stay on the current route.

I chose unwisely and have the scars and divorce agreement to bear for it. It was never enough. To spare you the whole boring saga, divorce came, it took, destroyed and left it ruins behind.

The path forward has been difficult but not without its blessings and intervention of incredible people guided into my path.

Enough for tonight, if you with someone you love at the moment, give them a hug, a kiss and a smile.

Good night all.

Where the Heck is Friday

I was awake at 04h30 and working in the office from 06h00 and then it didn't stop.

Yesterday was frustrating and a long chat with a lawyer left me feel despondent, confused, angry and scared. You can't afford to get out of your situation but there is no system in place to assist you. Everyone wants your clothes off your back, your blood and your soul if they can negotiate that as well.

So my circle of friends jumped in to put it all in perspective and give me the good old tally ho. Thanks guys. It meant the world and knowing that I am not alone in this, prayer, encouragement and those hugs that just break all resistance.

And now today, it was a race against the clock and I got 3 missed calls from Nicole, just checking that I had not forgotten that it was my turn to collect them. We had such a laugh on the way home and had an old man in a car in front of us that kept rolling back towards us.

Nothing beats chatting to a friend when you've had a rough day, it is therapeutic and makes you feel better knowing that you have a 'people' out there who actually do care.

I miss my brother very much and would love to have him around, maybe one day.

I was blessed today by a friend who had my car cleaned and then filled the tank, bless you Mark you old dog. I really do enjoying driving her and with the addition of a radio again I am so cool I burp ice cubes.

I should arrange supper but I am tired and gravity Is wrestling with me and winning at the moment.

Goodnight

05 June Saturday

Pain never really seems to go away, it just seems to hide and then re-emerges when you least expect it or when you are not ready to deal with it

Sometimes I wish I was more like a machine that a human, then I can just remove things that don't work, just switch off certain components and plod on

Even though I have a beautiful flat, have a large pot of soup simmering on the stove and friends who do care, I am really lonely again today. It is almost as if my joy has been drained from me and left this empty shell behind that is hollow, cold and empty.

As time sails on be it in times of sunshine or storms of the harshest darkest kind, we find that old love that is no more tends to fade and slowly die. I have 2 choices, the first is to fight it and hang onto it with every ounce of my being or alternatively realise it is over and let is pass away. It doesn't make the pain any easier, however it does enable us to find closure and move ahead.

Was Nicole's School Sports day and she was waiting at the school gate for me and gave me a big hug, strolled around with her and her 2 friends and saw friends and puppies and dogs and lots of hockey, soccer and netball. There is definitely reassuring about a school sports day, it has a lovely feeling about it and lots of laughing and smiling people. Was glad Deon did not make it, would have a little awkward.

SA vs Wales Rugby Union today so all in all ale will flow ,and joy will accepted and shared by all concerned!
Just made a toasted cheese in the frying pan with extra butter, strong cheddar cheese and white bread, fried till crisp on both sides, yup a bit of heaven mmmmmmm. Was so hot it burnt my tongue while I was eating but man o man was that good or what!

Got invited to Sarah's 7th birthday party, soccer theme and it was awesome and the snacks were AMAZING! Had a homemade Apple pie with almonds on top with cream and it was better than kissing a mermaid!

Home Bed and await the arrival of a new day.