More than Coffee

There is a part of me that embraces the single life and single parenting because of the quality time spent with my girls, the time together is so precious that it seems to fly by quicker than a Sunday afternoon.
The fact that we can up and go and breeze into all shops and just chill is perhaps selfish at times but appreciated and adored by the three of us. We do not gladly share this time as it is ours and no we feel no guilt in saying this.
I have my flat or room to myself depending on whether I am in South Africa or Lesotho and the freedom has allowed me to ponder and philosophise about life and where it suddenly turned on me and how I managed to somehow emerge face side up. The positives is that with the help of some amazing friends, family and chemical additives I am still standing.

However, there is another side to all of this.

I live from month to month and as C so rightly informed me, so does most of the population in this country let alone the world. So what am I moaning about this time? Well, it is the reality that I am not invincible, not bullet proof and have taken a fair knock in the past 8 years, I smile, joke and tease a lot yet when I retreat into the privacy of my man cave I ponder on the future and the image I have needs some rainbows, a dawning of Aquarius and a Winnie the Pooh outlook on life. Below I have added a few that seem pertinent to me at the moment;

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.” 

So, where does that leave me, well in survival mode I suppose and yes we are allowed to have a good whinge about life and how we sometimes want to through the towel in, the fact that I am able to rise and go to Work Another Day does not make me James Bond, it just makes me a single parent. Someone who like billions of others gets frustrated, tired and has good days and others where he just wants to get back into bed and hide under the covers.

My Simon finishes school next year and Nicole is 2 years behind, as I do what I can to prepare them for the next adventure in their lives, it has forced me to accept certain realities such as seeing less of them. Being alone and independent has created methods of coping such as hiding our true emotions from others and smiling so that you dont have to face the inevitable "Are you ok?"

So how do I conclude this essay of despair and self pity, well lets just say that I am not alone in it all and there are glimmers of beauty that beckon. So all in all its one of those days where I require more than coffee.




Nite All.

Friends in Need

Life a certain way of hurting you, letting you get back on your feet and then crushing you. When your chest tightens, you have a lump in your throat and the tears are waiting in the corner of your eyes. I don't want this but it is not about me, its about two dear friends one has been told she has terminal cancer and not long to live and the other is her husband. My dear dear friends, I am so sad and have no idea what to do, I would like to run away and just pretend I didn't hear it. I would easily take the cowards choice.

Tomorrow I have to go see him and hopefully her too and somehow try and keep it all together or not. I am crying as I write this and I know he is hurting so badly. How must she feel to know it is almost done?

I imagine he has shrunk under the strain and I want to hug him and hold him as he cries. Or is it that I want him to hold me as I cry.

Love is so special and can give so much, but when it takes it rips and tears and leaves holes where it used to be. Love is an angry woman committing a crime of passion, nothing is spared as she strikes at all in her proximity.

There is no dignity in pain, in sorrow, in illness. It is real and raw and ruthless.

I cannot continue tonight, I must see my friends and touch them and somehow offer to share this burden.

Nite

The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all

The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating

Welcome to 'The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating for 2011'

All your queries, myths, unspoken truths will not be addressed, they won't be answered but there will be recommendations and words of wisdom tainted ever so slightly by a pale ale.

This not a how-to manual but more of a guide to managing and getting the most out your marriage by applying the 5 Foundation Philosophies. So without any further delays, let's get ready for play.

1. Listen.
Many a man has been heard to utter 'I can't hear without a beer' or his partner has sweetly stated 'Chat and tea, just you and me'. The truth is that we need to be receptive to each other and hear what each other has to say.

2. Touch
This is not the game also known as naked tag or Espionage 101 Booby Trap, but affirmation, assurance, hugs that just drain your worries away and make you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. The simple joy of holding hands and of eyes meeting and lips smiling.

3. Deeds
We do things for people and yet we often neglect those closest to us. My daughter loves it when I massage her head, she almost goes into a trance and enters a state where she would doze off if I didn't tickle her. Making someone a cup of tea or a filling the chocolate jar before they wake up and leave the lid off. Sitting through Karate Kid when you would rather have your prostrate checked the old 'hold your breath' way!
Do a Deed a Day.

4. Laugh
Learn to laugh more often and see the funny side of life. Don't become a fool as there are serious sides to life as well. I chose to joke about everything and as such my partner could not share a lot with me. That was my loss. Laugh together, love together and learn to cry together. That sort of sharing is essential. I have cried with my girls and it was so honest and so raw I could not explain it to you.

And finally

5. Live
What's the point of holding back when you only have one chance at this. Make pancakes naked, sing in a public area, buy a stranger a gift, help someone across the street even if it means you might be late for work. Imagine the clouds are magical shapes and be better than you want to be. Spend time playing with kids or dogs or something different, deliver cupcakes to random people and stop to smell the roses.

That's it.
That's all I have.
Dream your reality and live it.
Sadness is acceptable and smiles are forever.

Good Nite

Scar or Smile

Is it wrong to ponder the relationship you expected to last forever and somehow endeavour to contemplate it in the greater circle of life and love? In simple english, will love come knocking again?

The arrival of my girls reminded me of the lack of female touch in my home, the pillows I gave to the cleaner because they were not fitting for a middle aged batchelor and is it batchelor or divorcee? Is there a significant difference or does the one just cost you more in lawyers fees to obtain.

I keep coming back to certain issues and there is no answer or closure yet.
There is sadness and pain, yet could this be the pre-empting of hope?
Does all of this somehow take all of the scars and knit them together to make us whole and stronger than before?
Or am I simply searching for a happy ending in a world where trust is not plausible?

I am weary and need to continue another night.

Another day another battle, scar or smile? Who knows?

Good nite

The Bed

Sometimes we hear news that hits to our very core, an opinion that shatters us and rocks the very foundation we have built our theories and beliefs on.

I have that. I have forsaken the most important task I ever chose to undertake as a divorced Dad. It doesn't matter that if I was aware of it, the truth is the deed is done and the consequences harsh. I created my own hell and have to look at myself in the mirror and accept what I have done. I have to look them in the eye and know I have let them down and I have to live with that. I cannot pray for forgiveness so how the hell will I even be able to ask them for it. They needed me to be the Dad that would come in on a white horse and whisk them off their feet and into the safety of their new home and I chose to fly out of town for my birthday.

So we can now add selfishness to the list as well. I just get better don't I? There is a stage in this madness I call life where I will have to suck it up and move ahead irrespective of the mistakes and hurt I have caused and endured, but it is not tonight.

Sometimes we cannot blame others when it is simply our own fault.

All I had to do was organise a bed!

Good night

Home Away

I forget the exact period of time that we stayed in our home, but it must have in the region of 9 years. Our girls grew from toddlers and started school from there and I have the photos of them in their uniforms standing on the back patio with the typical Grade 1 smile complete with the missing front tooth.

I loved the large covered patio, the braai and entertainment area and our study, where I hid for the last few months before I left because of an agreement I now deeply regret. Love has a way of working against you and distorting logic and common sense.

Our wonderful neighbours Y and L and the great conversations at the wall, watching their boys growing up next door.

Our numerous dogs and the birds and fish and guinea pigs, the amount of people that passed through our doors and the friendships formed. Sadness and hurt also came through but that is another story.

Then we separated pending our divorce and it became a place that broke my heart every time I returned my girls to their Mom after having them for my weekend. What hurt even more was seeing the boyfriends car parked where my car used to be.

Then there was the period they moved out and it was broken into twice and vandalised. I had to get someone to stay in the house and get it on the market as quickly as possible, the sale is now underway and the bond has been approved to the buyer.

It has many wonderful memories, good friends, good meals, laughter and some amazing family time. Of course there were times of great difficulty and sadness including the evening I told my girls that Mom and I were getting divorced and then proceeding to try and and convince them that it was not their fault. I cannot forget their faces as they sobbed as the news sank in. It is the worst I have felt in my life and at that precise moment I felt like the meanest and saddest man in the world. Our dream had not only shattered, but it had splintered and hurt all of us.

So soon I hope to hand over the keys and close another chapter in my life.

Good Night all

A Night Out?

What a day with my girls, never thought I would be one standing in the underwear section helping them making choices about matching lingerie. A year ago that would not have been possible and yet it wasn't awkward and didn't feel strange.

I found some old music and my treat for the month, 2 new pairs of underpants, sad perhaps but practicle. Girls had a blast, Simon got some books, a new big black bag and a cd, Nicole a poster, a new purse and a top I was assured by Simon was 'Ok Dad'.

Needless to say the girls were exhausted and collapsed on the couch and have been watching Vampire Diaries for the past 5 hours. They are chilled and having fun and I am blessed they want to spend time with me.

My friend who was so hurt yesterday is so much better today it is almost hard to believe, she is calmer and back in a place where she can think rationally and is feeling better.

I was fine till the evening and then I had the feeling I was bursting from my seams and needed to just let some steam off. Not possible tonight but hey, let's see what happens next week. Still processing it all and seeking opinions from good friends, any opinions please let me know. I want to go ona drinking spree for one night, let my hair down and forget about everything for a couple of hours, can any of you relate to this?

I feel that much has been taken from me, a lesson perhaps for my lust to seek and attain and collect, perhaps the removal and absence is my learning and part of my journey towards a new place, a new me and new beginnings. The unwinding and unravelling of the old is painful and difficult, it is the reversal and removal of habits that have been comfortable for many a year.

So I must retire as my meds begin to weave their web of medical magic.

Goodnight.

When Friends Hurt

And so once again we welcome Friday, eat a little too much, watch too much tv, perhaps drink too much and so we begin the weekend.

When a friend is hurting, you feel so defenseless and unsure of the correct way to assist. Sometimes a hug or a shoulder is not appropriate and it has to be handled via a remote and this is so much more difficulty.

I really feel for you and pray you will find peace and understanding and that which you long for so desperately.

Two sick girls but so awesome to have them here.
Vampire Diaries and 4 episodes in one night, the girls are addicted, Simon had a tendency to curl up in a ball and close her eyes in parts! But they are as hooked as Hugh Hephner is to his little blue pills.

What is one of the difficulties that I really battle with in divorce is the fact that when children are involved, you still have so much interaction with the other party or your ex. You can't just end it and walk away.

I really miss Lucy at the moment and would love a friend to scratch behind the ears and on the belly and just hug, will have to be a dog as I doubt many females will do that.

Oh the merry paths we weave!

Farewell till next time.

Where the Heck is Friday

I was awake at 04h30 and working in the office from 06h00 and then it didn't stop.

Yesterday was frustrating and a long chat with a lawyer left me feel despondent, confused, angry and scared. You can't afford to get out of your situation but there is no system in place to assist you. Everyone wants your clothes off your back, your blood and your soul if they can negotiate that as well.

So my circle of friends jumped in to put it all in perspective and give me the good old tally ho. Thanks guys. It meant the world and knowing that I am not alone in this, prayer, encouragement and those hugs that just break all resistance.

And now today, it was a race against the clock and I got 3 missed calls from Nicole, just checking that I had not forgotten that it was my turn to collect them. We had such a laugh on the way home and had an old man in a car in front of us that kept rolling back towards us.

Nothing beats chatting to a friend when you've had a rough day, it is therapeutic and makes you feel better knowing that you have a 'people' out there who actually do care.

I miss my brother very much and would love to have him around, maybe one day.

I was blessed today by a friend who had my car cleaned and then filled the tank, bless you Mark you old dog. I really do enjoying driving her and with the addition of a radio again I am so cool I burp ice cubes.

I should arrange supper but I am tired and gravity Is wrestling with me and winning at the moment.

Goodnight

Plea to a Friend

Hey C, sorry about earlier this afternoon, big meltdown again, just keeping it together for too long and then reality kicked in real hard. Huge battle with time frames and immensity of the whole situation.

Thanks C for listening and shaking me back to a state where I could breakdown and then focus again.
Sometimes I just get too lonely or too sad or even too shaken by the whole issue and find it hard to accept that this is happening to me and why me? And then I have to say well why not me! I am not exempt from all of this and I have to make the best of a bad situation. At the same time I am allowed to have all fall downs where it all collapses and takes me with it.

Then there are times where I really feel that God has forgotten me and I am alone in all of this, stupid I know. So much has been shaken and in some cases destroyed that eventually you begin to doubt everything.

‎​It is also a case of reaching the end of a day, sighing a huge sigh of relief and not knowing what awaits you tomorrow. Will I be able to handle it? Can I make it till 5? What if I break down? Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel? Who am I and what is the person I will be at the end of all of this? Am I entitled to joy, laughter and ultimately love again or is this the way it will be till the end?

‎​Who decides who gets the happily ever after and the blunt end of the stick? What happens to shattered love and broken hearts? Are we able to love fully again? Are we able to fully trust again? Do I have to be broken to be made whole and why does it seem to take so long? Too many questions and not enough clarity. Good Night.

29 June Tuesday

A night of not sleeping and not the best way to start the day.
Work was ok except for a small incident that was blown out of proportion but the less said the better about that.

Had a good chat to C, thanks it was good, nice to have and thoroughly enjoyed.

I think my girls are really battling with my ex-wifes boyfriends 3 kids in their space for such a long period. However I need to remember that this is a situation they need to resolve as I have no control over it.

In my opinion it was not fair to leave Simon responsible for 4 kids, that is the sort of thing another couple used to do and then it was unacceptable, strange how the goalposts move.

I must sleep, my meds are kicking in.

Adious
Back to my flat tomorrow!

Love?

Sometimes in life you see something special between two people, a look, a smile a touch, something that speaks to you and almost restores your hope in love, almost.

Does it become a duty, is it a relationship of convenience, are we simply afraid of the consequences or are we afraid of the stigma society might attach to us.

In the instant society we find ourselves trying to survive in, what happened to loyalty, honour, respect, what happened to happily ever after. What happened to promises and where did it all go wrong?

Does life strive to destroy that which we hold to be true and righteous? Or is it just all decided on the rolling of a dice. No no I hear you say it can't be, hell what do you think when conspiracy theories become the norm of your thought patterns.
Are you still with me because I feel like I have lost myself :)

So in despair, in our times of darkness when feel ourselves falling and scrambling and battling to breathe, what do we do? Some turn to God or spirituality, some to drugs, smoking or alcohol, some turn to sex and adrenaline, some just give up. What is the solution, I have tried many of the above and feel no clearer now than I did then. I have moments of extreme anger and times of desperate sorrow and loneliness, I have seen pity and pain and sadness in the eyes of good friends and have been embarrassed because I have brought this plague onto them.

I am numb inside. I have lost so much. I cry tears of blood and can't understand why this load cannot be taken from me. I am stressed and worried and unsure and rational thought is no longer an option that seems to offer any consulation.

I apologise because by sharing this I somehow feel I have let you into my private hell and I am embarrassed.

Forgive me.

20 June Sunday

Fathers Day, 2 giggling girls, lunch at the table together chatting and laughing and an afternoon snooze on the couch.

Throw in a disjointed chat to my Dad and a call to my Father in Law and the day was ok. Nice to reconnect with Ant again and good to hear he is still well and was spending time with his sons, my nephews.

Dropped my girls with Heather this afternoon and then received a frantic call from Simon to say she couldn't find her phone. Got back to the house and it was lying on the kitchen counter and her soccer bracelet on the kitchen window sill, my Simon hasn't changed haha.

C is going on her first decent holiday with her kids for a long time and I am really pleased for her, hope she can unwind and just have a blast.

Spoke briefly to Stephen and he seems overworked but content so all seems good.

Got home, alone again and tried my best not to slip into a state of loneliness so curled on the couch, turned on the tv and killed 4 hours.

Now I am weary and a little sad so good night all.

02 June Wednesday

What an evening, supper with my girls, lots of laughing tons of memories and stomachs that are bursting or very close to it.

Nicole seems to have loved her birthday and Simon was having fun anyway, Simon got Nicole a cool bag thingamabob for her cellphone and she loved it nudge nudge hey Simon.

Mom wanted a cheeseburger and apparently Deon was at Warhammer, used to play but that is a tale for another evening. Deon is Heathers boyfriend and we used to be friends about a lifetime ago, strange how life can turn itself inside out and upside down and yet surprise surprise, it still continues.

We had supper at Spur tonight and my girls looked amazing, like models taking the old man out for dinner, Simon had her standard, chicken burger and chips and onion rings onto Dad's plate and Nicole had the small portion of calamari and chips and I had the extra crispy Eisbein. Then off to Mickey Dee's for Oreo McFlurry's for the girls (separate pudding stomachs of course)

Had a bath after supper, washed some underwear whoohoo and mopped the bathroom floor. Seems far too much for a Wednesday evening but hey at least it is done. Girls are joining me for Arni and Denise's wedding so that will be an absolute blast and we will surely boogie the night away, will also be nice to introduce my girls to some of my work colleagues.

Not really in the mood to blog tonight, tired and miss my dog terribly. It's almost as easy as dental flossing a terribly hungry crocodiles teeth.

Counseling tomorrow with Regan, oh boy!

Sleep tight world.