A Fathers Letter

Its been a while since I put keyboard to blog and I suppose I needed an inspiration or desire to one again share whats on my heart.
This is a letter from myself to one of my daughters who is really going through a rough time and has been for a while now, I hope it will somehow put a smile on her face and let her know how much I love here even though I don't get to see her much. Perhaps it is also meant for someone else out there who feels the same way.

Hello my angel,

Firstly let me tell you that I love you, I have loved you since the first day I held you and when I think of you it makes me smile from my soul. I am battling to see the screen as I type this because, well my eyes have entered a leaking mode and I have a lump in my throat.

When you were born I never for one moment imagined what would happen to you and your sister, having to go through a divorce, changing schools, losing your home and trying to keep control of your little world as it slowly crumbled and collapsed around you. There were times when I know you cried yourself to sleep and wondered what you had done to deserve this, the answer is nothing. It was not your fault that your Mom and I parted ways, it was not your fault that you were and still are blamed for being "like your father" even though you are a thousand times the person I will ever be. You have seen so much and experienced both sides of family life, the one where it all works and the one where its a place where you just want to scream and rage against the world, I understand when you put in your earphones and just block out the world and I understand when your eyes swell with tears as you struggle to comprehend how trust, promises and love are smashed like a red wine glass falling on a tile floor. The wine that sprays in every direction is like your heart and you try desperately to clutch and grab it to stop the pain.

What has happened to you is what is supposed to happen to other people, not you and the way it has affected your health is understandable as your system struggled to survive and recover. It doesn't make it right or fair.
When I see you sobbing as we video chat I am both overcome with sadness and at the same time love, the fact that you are able to share your pain and vulnerability as well as your joy and craziness makes me proud to be your Dad.

You have a sensitive soul and a spirit that touches peoples lives and makes them smile, when you explode into a room  it's like trying to wash a wriggling puppy, everybody gets wet. You have a gift, a talent so rare that those who know you and pass through your life always remember you for your smile, laughter and compassion. So how do I fix it, well in truth I don't. I can simply walk beside you and allow you to lean on me and even carry you when it gets really bad, I can comfort you when you don't want to talk and listen when you do.
If I could simply insert a memory stick into you, download all your pain and sorrow and transfer it to myself I would, but it is a part of the amazing person you are and it has enabled you to not only grow stronger, but help so many around you.

Its never easy when those you love and trust turn on you and hurt you, its the attacks we never expect that do the most damage because we don't ever imagine it would happen.

Here is what I know;

• You are growing up into an amazing lady
• You have lots of people who appreciate you, love you and are blessed by you
• Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain
• Your capacity to love is far greater than you have ever imagined
• God loves you just the way you are because that is how He created you

In closing, I want to thank you for helping me to see life in a different perspective, for accepting my craziness and sharing yours with me and most of all, for being who you are.

I will always love you and I miss you very much

Dad

So You Had a Crap Day . .

So you had a crap day.

Its ok, no seriously it means you are normal and this is all part of the wonder experience we like to refer to as "life".
I am a two cuppachino before 09h00 in the morning person, if my schedule is somehow broken I have the potential to be as friendly as an ex-wife who cant track her maintenance payments. We all have little rituals that form part of our sanity tour and this often determines if we whistle as we work like one of those super happy little smiling dwarves or turn into the haemoroid man who has to cycle to work and is too scared to use the loo because of the pain.

When I reflect on the past week, month and year, I analyse the goof, the bad and the ugly. I then try and understand what made me able to stabilise the bad and the ugly and what pushed me over the edge. Sometimes as I plummet into a pit of misery and depressing self pity, I am able to stop myself and recover, other times I have to swallow my pride and reach out to a friend. This reaching out is not always easy as questions will be raised that need to be answered, I don't like that because it somehow indicates that I not a superhero, merely a human.

If I now glance back over the past 3 years, I have notice that I have gone from having 1 good day a fortnight to 12. I am no longer triggered by comments and remarks from my ex and my fuse is now considerably longer. I don't question why, what and if only any more, I have accepted what has happened and am embracing my new role as a single dad. I have also realised that being single is fine and that my job and my girls need me to be this way for a while. It will need someone who understands me and is patient to allow me to enter their lives, perhaps that person is still out there and if she isn't then thats cool as well.

As for those off days, well its all about how we deal with them that matters. To smile and keep it all together when your steak is overcook or how you deal with a limp asparagus if you're a vegetarian tells alot about your character.

So you had a crap day?


Nite All

Dark Chocolate World

I love dark chocolate. Slightly bitter, strong as tequila and as black as a politicians heart.
It relaxes me and helps me contemplate life, love and my spiritual journey.

I have hit a low in two of them and the recurring mantra that rocks my brain and logic is "why".
To question is natural and to doubt human. I am no superhero powers despite being able to split an apple in two with one finger,  getting slapped for growling at beautiful women and surviving two very close shaves of the unspoken kind.

I am someone who tries to wake with a smile and keep it going for as long as possible. The whole rainbow and unicorns
Some days I succeed and then on other occasions a couple of days attack me at once and I fall quicker than Bafana Bafana head coach.

When I am in this self preservation mode I withdraw and watch the world pass by. Waving from the shadows is like smelling a rose in your sleep. It serves no purpose and brings no joy.
Friends do that. They entertain our misery and criticism and allow us to work through it. This is what a true friend is, someone who listens and is a shoulder to lean on and in some cases a warm cup of tea or a cold beer.

Now I need dark chocolate and a dark room.

Nite all.

MSG moments of the week?

Mad - I have the potential to get bitter about life and it angers me

Sad - I am single again

Glad - my Mom, my girls, my friends, my job, beer and red wine

Love Hurts

I wonder what caused women to begin the neverending and sometimes thankless task of pruning themselves and driving men crazy?

I mean manicures, pedicaures, botox and implants and make up that costs enough to feed a small town in outer Mongoli, and that excludes the fashion sense. Now now gentlemen, we are just as guilty and those that are not are more than likely in a long standing relationship or marriage and their partners have simply given up on them.

My journey into the Gentle Art of Beautification began when I first realised that there were creatures who lived amongst us that did not wrestle for an oblong leather ball and partake of such rituals as burping national anthems and lighting methane bursts. They were smaller, smelled different and hung around in gangs that either ignored or giggled at you. Thus began my first trip into my Dads wardrobe and I discovered the world of Old Spice and Blue Stratus, firmly believing that too much was better than too little, I could be smelled from a mile away.

My amazement was complete when I observed that not all the young ladies threw themselves at me and admired my aftershave ridden body, this I came to know as playing "Hard to Get".

But from humble beginnings I progressed to higher levels of pruning like a gaming junkie. Cut my toe nails and finger nails and didnt use them as toothpicks, had regular hair cuts and discovered shower gel.

Following my divorce, I had my first manicure and pedicure and enjoyed the relaxing pampering I received, lo and behold I found I was still straight and that these experiences had not turned me into a gay man instantly.

And then it started to get a little more intense. Nicole my daughter my 13 year old angel convinced me to shave my chest!!!!!! I did so without removing my nipples and for a week I was so itchy that I wanted to rip my shirt off and pound my naked chest like King Kong. That has now been forgotten and the hair returneth.

But was that enough?

No of course not.

I heard of the term "manscaping" where one basically trims the hair down under and provides a better, less primitive attraction for purposes of this blog. I decided to approach the area concerned with a beard trimmer and with the vigour of a puppy charging a porcupine.

I gasped, hesitated and at the first sight of blood dropped the Remington butchering device and crossed my legs. This action was supposed to remove the sudden stinging pain that came from cut treasures.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!

The bath that followed and the 2 days of anxious walking and carefull sitting was a rude reminder that some actions need to be left to professionals.
My now scarred and tender manscaped adventure has to end for now.

Nite All

Second Chances

You have two options in life, do it or think about it and never do anything about it.

Doing it results in yourself being open to hurt, rejected or elation and adventure. So what will you do?

I tried to play by the recognised timelines and theology that time heals all pain and the best will be rejuvenated and possibly even superseded, I waited because initially I was incapable of giving and would have ventured into areas I had no concept of knowing how to deal with.

Let me explain.

When I first realised that I no longer loved my ex which was about a year after the divorce, I had two huge dilemmas to overcome. The first was that I had loved her for so long after the divorce and secondly whether I was ever able to love again. Love doesn't die overnight, it fades and slowly wilts like a flower deprived of water or a dead fish hidden under the couch of someone who did you wrong. When the realisation dawns that it is dead, you either live with the shrivelled memory or you replace it with a better memory, aalmost like brushing your teeth after eating a brussel sprout covered in chocolate.

It is hard to lose faith in something, be it God, life, love or happiness and resign yourself to accepting the alternative as your new standard. God never left me, He simply needed me to stop shouting long enough to get a word in and that whisper was enough. Life means getting up no matter how difficult and soul destroying the day ahead seems and somehow facing it despite the consequences.

Love, well the harsh reality is that it may take a lot of failed dates before you find someone who will accept you as you are, you might still be looking and even reach a stage where you say "Enough".

My plea is simply to keep looking and take that chance.

Why? Because a day of smiles and laughter is worth a month of pain.

Because sunlight after a week or month of rain brings smiles and happiness.

Because you deserve better, a new chance, hope and a reason to fall asleep with a smile on your face.

Nite All

African Month

Life in Lesotho can best be described as trading in the Johannesburg highways with its aggressive drivers and slowing it all down to slow motion, similar to the now infamous Pamela Anderson Baywatch jogging scene in her airbrushed bikini.

It is relaxed. People chat to you and because my skin is of a paler complexion, I am no longer referred to as "Chinese"but am now American". I am only partially convinced that this nothing to do with me being twice the size of the average Chinese, however bulk is seen as an asset here.
We have started our vegetable garden and our gardener speaks next to no English, hence we both smile a lot at each other and I have no idea what he has planted where. My sign language is a combination of hand signals with some body movement, basically I look like a chubby version of Michael Jackson doing a moonwalk without moving my feet.

Work is currently 90% admin and 10% site work, I sometimes feel like a school teacher who never gets the apple. Our accommodation is compact but clean and serviced daily, food is good although I never though I would say, but the amount of red meat we consume is enough to make the mildest of vegetarians refer to us as cannibalistic murderers. This I am led to believe is not a compliment.

When we feel the walls of our rooms getting a little close and the sudden urge to hug our male colleagues, we head off to Maseru and grab a meal and a movie. The owner of the local Spur never leaves us alone and all the waiters apologise if someone is sitting in our table, and what do we order? CHICKEN!

So in short, it is a beautiful country with the most brilliant stars at night, friendly people and a pace of life which explains why the donkey is the transport vehicle of choice.


Nite All

A New Beginning

A remark made by a very good friend (One that I had a massive crush on in High School hehe) and confirmed by others for a while made me realise that a new hat had to be worn by me.
It can become "comfortable" to live glancing over ones shoulder expecting the demons and ghosts of Memories Past to pop up and attempt to dominate and affect your future.

An example would be Christmas. Christmas to me became a tradition of family and friends, a large home-cooked meal and laughter followed by a doze (also known as a meditative relapse) on a couch and then a cleaning up operation of note. It was a time where no cost was spared and credit cards, cash and accounts were pillaged and plundered the way a puppy would devour your favourite slipper. There were traditions that included the erection of the tree, dusty boxes weighing more than Aunt Eva's bottom brought  down and unveiled. Not Aunt Eva's bottom but the boxes Mark.
Lights, millions of wooden characters and scratching my dogs head as she watched all of this with the excitement of observing a snail waiting for its Garmin to acquire satellites.
It was a lovely Hallmark moment and I loved it.

This will be my third Christmas since the divorce and my girls and I are still attempting to find our groove, there is no tree, there is no dog and Aunt Eva and her bottom and bosom are long forgotten. I am peace with the new Ted and we are getting along pretty damn well when he isnt trying to go cold turkey and bulldoze his way through time and space.

So it is with a smile that salute and thank Dr Ted's Divorce Adventure and welcome Dr Ted's Life Adventure.

Lights, camera, action and please no white speedos, after all parental guidance is advised for sensitive stomachs.

Bless you all for your comments, thoughts and encouragement. All are appreciated and accepted with an open mind.

Nite All

I am Not Superman

It is a harsh reality and one I would prefer not to mention so openly, however I feel that we have shared so much on our journey I should not stop now.

I hear you ask how I know I am not Superman? Well here are the basic questions that need to be answered.
1. Have you ever changed ïn a phone booth or any other public place?
2. Have you ever had diarrhoea? Superman Doesn't get diarrhoea
3. Have you ever been late for a flight? Trick question folks, Superman doesn't fly in planes.
4. Have you ever worn a leotard and a cape and been sober at the time?
5. Do you wear Chuck Norris pajamas to bed at night? Superman does.

So my reality hit home today as my withdrawals took a serious turn for the worse. I feel giddy, tired, tense and tight chested in a manner unlike Dolly Parton.
Add to that emotionally low and as sad as wife who is unable to find something for her husband to do on a Saturday afternoon and you can partially imagine where I found myself.
I was not very much in love with life at all. It dawned on me that I had no choice but to get to my GP at once and confess and beg for forgiveness.
Her response was as follows, "you have stopped your meds haven't you and please don't tell me you stopped them suddenly". The specific meds I am on need to be fazed out over a minimum period of 2 months. They are some of the harshest to stop suddenly on.

To cut a long story shorter than Latoya Jacksons music career, I spent my last food money on a doctors visit and some chemicals.

Long live drugs and rock and roll.

Nite All

My Young Friends

After a 10hr work day including 320km of driving, to sit with dear friends and enjoy a magnificent chicken and vegetable soup with a tennis ball sized dumpling sprinkled with cinnamon sugar, well it was an amazing way to end off a really busy day.

Special young friends like Craig and Gen, Brad and her Vickiness and Eric and Adel allow me to see the passion they have for life. They laugh, live, shout and cry so much easier than I did.
Their bond with God and each other has made me so proud to call them friends and I know they have so much more to give.

Isn't it sometimes sad to get to the midlife years and somehow lose touch with the younger generation. They seem to love and live more passionately and experience so much more than many of us who have sought security and policies and bonds and strived to live the middle class dream.
I have no policies, no bond and no worldly security, I live month to month and even though I battle at times I am coping. I am happier than I have been in a long time even though there are still huge financial hurdles I must face.
The difference is that I am honest with my feelings and am no longer afraid to admit when I am sad or lonely or excited and feel loved.
My young friends live in the real world and address issues on a level that makes them more mature than many folk much older than them.

So this blog is a thank you to each of them for the incredible personalities and people they are, I am truly honoured and humbled to call you friends.

Nite All

Revolution

A revolution (from the Latin revolutio, "a turn around") is a fundamental change in power or organizational structures that takes place in a relatively short period of time.

My realisation that my marriage was over was a revolution, in the blink of an eye it was gone. It lay shattered and blown apart beyond repair.

And so began the 18 months of upheaval and emotional ping pong and then something else happened.
From the ashes and ruins a green shoot appeared, tiny and desperate at first but determined.

This little green shoot was "hope".
It fought from the dark burnt battered soil and emerged desperately seeking light. This has been the story of the last 6 months, no it hasn't been an overnight moth to butterfly revolution.
It was a candle being lit in a dark cellar, suddenly the objects that greeted my shins with silent giggles could be identified, my perimeter was vaguely familiar and the panic was replaced with a mild sigh of relief.

Ever had one of those moments?
It was the beginnings of an awakening and move from hell to midway stop, complete with cold water and meds.
You find enough strength to risk a bit more, a date, a smile, watching a love story or asking someone out on a date.
You suddenly have days where you embrace life with more passion and even an awkward skip in your step.

Heck I might even treat myself to a dream with a happy ending tonight.

Nite all

Hero or Villain?

What happens to the nice guys in the world today?

They end up losing time and time again. Everyone wants to be the villain, the kids see the swashbuckling pirate, the ex-con who gets his revenge, the good guy who has to cross the line to get what is rightfully his.
And the guys, well, they want the bad girl, the dark lady, the heroine with the tattoo and the distinctively naughty look in her eyes.

What has happened?
What are we teaching our youth, is it acceptable to cross that line to get what is supposedly yours?
I made mistakes, I messed up, I did the heavy alcohol, the recreational drugs, lived on the edge and a little over it.
I realise my decisions had consequences and I left the corporate environment after 2 TIA's or strokes of the brain.

My choice now is a simple one, do I continue along the path of the good guy and live a life that is morally acceptable or do I just say screw it all, its my time, its me time and bugger the world?

Truth is, irrespective of the hand life has dealt me and the burdens I carry, I have 2 daughters who depend on me. I need to somehow continue and give my girls a moral outline for dating, decision making and ultimately life. The manner in which I treat them must set a standard for the men they will date and eventually settle down with.

If this somehow means that I am to remain single, then despite the pain and loneliness, so be it.
Being a parent is not about you, its not about your wants and needs, its about your kids and what you can do for them. My decision to bring them into this world come with responsibility, love and dedication that will in turn allow them to be better parents one day.


So, would I cross the line for my wants and needs?
Nope, I think I Walk the Line

Nite all

i Dream . . .

 

Is it my imagination or did I seem to remember dreaming a lot more when I was a kid than I do now. Or is it simply that my memory was a lot better back then.

My girls tell me of their dreams and ambitions and I smile and admire the excitement and passion behind them.

When I left the corporate rodent race, I made a choice that led me on a road of exploration and survival. I thought by doing it I would ultimately be able to keep and protect my family and bring us closer as a unit.
My adventures included the life of a cook, testing of pressure vessels, 2 years on a construction site and then ultimately involved the world of engineering and manufacturing.

In the process I lost a wife, held a dog who had become my best friend as she was put to sleep, gained some new friends, cemented old friendships and most importantly, formed a bond with my daughters that money couldn't buy.

In my wildest dreams I could not envisage all of this 6 years ago, I would have considered the possibility of seeing a rib bone emerge on my body as a more realistic possibility.
It hasn't all been a tea party and there were times where I would hide and cry and wonder what the hell I had done. I stopped dreaming and switched to survival mode, I forgot to live and just went into robot mode.

Dreams allow men to wear tights in a world where no-one laughs at them, women to any outfit without any question of whether it affected the size of their bottoms.
It also enables us to do more, try more and definitely love more, dare to dream.

Nite all

The Positive Art of Divorce

It sometimes takes waking up at 02h15 in the morning to see the flip side of the coin, life is a little strange that way.

I have been battling with a particularly stubborn case of depression in the last 10 days and have had to drag myself out of bed in the morning.
It was as if I had lost my way and desolation and despair had clouded my thoughts and swallowed my joy.
Then it hit me in the face like a cold fish, there were many positive aspects to my current situation.

I could make myself coffee and have rusks in bed anytime without the obligatory "what the hell are you doing sweetie, do you know what time it is"?
Strolling around the mansion naked in winter was permissible and required no explanation or justification.
All sides of the bed were my side and the only person who stole the duvet from me was well, me.
The toilet seat is always in the correct position.
The vegetable drawer in the fridge was the best place for beer and tonic water, this does make me smile whenever I open the fridge door.

It may all seem a little selfish and perhaps it is, but there is a definte sense of cavaliership about it all. I am tempted to enter my abode with sword in hand and a gleam in my eye daring the shadows to attack me.
To date they have refrained and thus my swordmanship and authority remains unchallenged.

It is now 03h15 and sleep beckons like a mermaid seductively luring me into her loving arms.

Nite all.

Friends in Need

Life a certain way of hurting you, letting you get back on your feet and then crushing you. When your chest tightens, you have a lump in your throat and the tears are waiting in the corner of your eyes. I don't want this but it is not about me, its about two dear friends one has been told she has terminal cancer and not long to live and the other is her husband. My dear dear friends, I am so sad and have no idea what to do, I would like to run away and just pretend I didn't hear it. I would easily take the cowards choice.

Tomorrow I have to go see him and hopefully her too and somehow try and keep it all together or not. I am crying as I write this and I know he is hurting so badly. How must she feel to know it is almost done?

I imagine he has shrunk under the strain and I want to hug him and hold him as he cries. Or is it that I want him to hold me as I cry.

Love is so special and can give so much, but when it takes it rips and tears and leaves holes where it used to be. Love is an angry woman committing a crime of passion, nothing is spared as she strikes at all in her proximity.

There is no dignity in pain, in sorrow, in illness. It is real and raw and ruthless.

I cannot continue tonight, I must see my friends and touch them and somehow offer to share this burden.

Nite

Death adds Life

I was wondering about our fascination with death and how we are surrounded by it, live with it and in most cases we aren't even aware of it. Think about your hair. Its basically dead. Yet we cut it, style it, colour it, wash and condition it, but its dead!!

We spend money preparing for when we die and worry about what will or might or may not happen and before we realise it we are overcome with all this "concern". Suppose its a case of worrying instead of living for the moment.

So what's the answer Doc?

Try starting each day with a really big stretch, walk to a mirror and greet yourself with a smile and maybe even a wink. At this point make it a rule to greet the next 10 people you see with a smile and a "good morning" irrespective who they are or if you know them or not.
Then find 10 minutes of "me time" and have a cup of tea or a mug of coffee or warm water and just reflect on yesterdays highlights and smile. If you had a really bad day then be grateful that you have a new day, another chance, a clean slate.
As for the argument that you don't have 10 minutes, I don't accept that. You can't find 10 minutes out of 1440 minutes in a day for you? You are worth it and deserve it.

This won't fix everything, but if we can start with a smile we have a much better chance of it rubbing off on someone else.

Give it a go, all it will cost you is 10 minutes a day.

Nite all.

The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all

Where is Love?

Why can't I find love on my doorstep?

I have been divorced for 13 months and yes I get lonely. I enjoy my quiet times and own company and when I have my girls it is hectic and exciting and fun. The week I don't have them is so very different, like goats milk and cream soda.
I feel a void where something is missing, I am not sure if it is a spiritual void or emotional emptiness. I know the healing process is a long one and the friends who have and are walking alongside me are amazing and supportive in so many aspects. Why does friendship and company seem to present itself to me over 1000km's away, why can't it be on my doorstep or at least in a closer proximity? Could the reason be that I am not ready now for this next phase in my life? I hope not.
I know I am not ready for marriage and that level of commitment, but friendship, companionship and even dating would add something that would somehow make me feel "wanted or needed".

I want to shout to the heavens and scream 'Why! What! Help me understand! Perhaps I am simply being selfish and need to process to take its course and at the same time I want to be more proactive. Instant society equals instant gratification. I feel like a whale trapped in a sardines body, I want to explode, be all I can be but am not ready for the emotional responsibility that comes with it. Spiderman was told the same and he still found himself in sticky situations. Batman found himself partying or fighting for his life with no rest between the extremes. And as for Harry Potter, well he kept going back to a school where people were trying to kill him, same as the mentally challenged cheerleader who goes into the haunted house because she heard a scream come from it.

Sometimes stupidity comes from it all and we need our friends to hug us, turn us around and lead us home.

Do I want love? Do I want a kiss that will rock my socks off? Do I want to wake up and see a beautiful face sleeping next to me? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Time will tell.
Nite all

A Little Madness

It warms my heart to the point of bursting when I hear my girls voices over the phone and they relate with great excitement the events that happened that day and even more so when I get the occasional ‘I love you or I miss you Daddy”.

You see in reality, all it takes is a few choice words and hugs to keep a parent happy. We are not complex and even if we act that way, it is simply a guise to hide and protect that part of us that is too private to share in case it is used against us. Sometimes we are so caught up in the environment we have developed or that life has thrust upon us that we simply give up and go through the motions of life. We become robots that live for our annual holidays and the rest of the time life blurs past us, so my question is this; What are we going to do about it?

Add a little craziness to your life and here are a few examples that have worked for me;

· Make yourself a Gin and Tonic in a thermal travel mug and go for walk sipping as needed

· Sing some Italian opera to someone you don’t know in a shopping centre

· Pay for someone’s parking

· Go skinny dipping at night

· Eat a slab of chocolate for breakfast

· Go shopping for something you cannot afford and have no intention of buying

· Wear a crazy hat

· Read a newspaper upside down in a busy coffee shop

· Tell a waitress to bring you something to eat and drink and let her decide what to bring

· Wave and smile at people you don’t know

I think you get the idea, take an ordinary day and add a little magic, a little humour, add some spice to your life. We aren’t talking rocket science, I am not asking you to re-invent the xBox or get arrested for indecent exposure, just step out of your comfort zone and feel that thrill again.

Buy a t-shirt you would never dream of wearing and see if anyone says anything when you wear it, so I trust a little feedback will be forthcoming from some of you and man I can’t wait to see what you come up with.

You owe it to yourself and even more so, you owe it to your neighbour.

Have fun and Nite All

Stages of Life

There are stages in ones life that require different strengths, different skills and different motives.

When I was in the army, I required strength of mind and physical endurance to survive the first 6 months, sanity for the next 4 months and then the ability to play the game better than the system the following 18 months. It was a case of being one step ahead of the enemy, in this case a 18 year neanderthal who assumed he was God and made sure you remembered it.

It was a case of fighting fire and threats with stupidity and confusion, ignorance in the hands of many can humble a self made God and cause him to speak in rages that sent spittle flying like vegetables from a 2 year olds mouth.
If you succeeded in defeating them and the system, you had won and they had very little power over you.

Courting on the other hand involved charm, patience and hidden agendas, it was more espionage that direct confrontational warfare. You wou attempt to extract information with subtle hints, inexpensive gifts and kisses that would have sucked the false teeth out of a grannies mouth. The young passion, the gleam in the eye, the telephone calls that seem to last forever yet produced no answers. It was like hugging an octopus, you knew it was dangerous but convinced yourself you could leave at any time. And all this time the game of cat and mouse continued.

Then the male proposed, his offer was accepted after a few attempts and he assumed he had the upper hand. He would son be lord of his mansion with his young wife eager and willing and waiting on his new found wisdom.
Or so he assumed!
It was not long before the tables were turned, the hunter became the trapped deer transfixed in the road as the bright lights raced towards him. He felt no pain as he was stripped of title, his estate and his wisdom.
She had him.
She smiled sweetly.
She had him.

It is the circle of wife, sorry life and as such we live, love, gather memories and shed tears.

I have no regrets, only memories and maybe the slightest glimmer of hope.

Good nite

UberDad

I am tired.
Tired of a lot of things, firstly dieting is for fat people and I am merely pleasantly plump, I have thin toes and the wrists of a professional darts player.

I like food, I love cooking and I love coffee. I haven't smoked a pipe for about 5 or 6 months and have a selection of pipe tobaccos that would confuse a police sniffer dog for ages.

I want to be UberDad, the bestest of the best, I want to be loved by my girls and have realised that raising teenage girls is like falling from aladder gracefully. You do your best but at some stage you hit the ground and can either lie there swearing or get up and scream 'The Aliens did it'.
UberDad puts so much pressure on himself that he questions everything including his kids love for him. It took a friend to tell me I was a bloody idiot and needed a good kick in the pants. You see, I can't buy their love, I can't win them over with false promises. I need to be real, be there and be a Dad and let time take care of the rest.

I love them that there is no doubt of, I regret putting them through a divorce and that was not their fault and had nothing to do with them at all. I am sad that it will more than likely affect their relationships with men at a later stage in their lives, but I pray that somehow the right man will sweep them off their feet and love them unconditionally. I do not wish to hurt him . . . . much haha.

So what is a Dad to do?
Just love them and care for them.
Be there when they need you and be consisitant in all your decisions.

As for the rest, well I can only pray.

Good nite