Death By Exercise

I look at a recent photo of myself and realised that I was no longer the sleek willowy athletic man I used to be. 

A strict diet of beer flavored drinks and lack of vegetable based organic shakes had allowed my muscles to reach a stage of relaxation frowned upon by 99% of medical practitioners. The other 1% who performed my mammogram examination suggested the use of a sports bra. Muscle tone seemed to be less recognizable and even brief flexing in front of mirrors and at shopping centres left me feeling a little light headed. Carbon loading didn't help and neither did the intake of hops tainted energy drinks.

Sadly drastic measures needed to be taken.

Hence the migration to a mountain bike, it was found on special at a well known supermarket and looked shiny and new, wheels turned and brakes worked, surely that was all that was required? Off we went, three of us, unfit and in shorts and t-shirts, Team Disaster. Downhill was very manageable and the need for pedaling minor, I was familiarizing myself with the gearing system and determining which was front and which rear breaks. After a long and dreary 600 seconds we headed back and suddenly hit a wall of wind, severe pedaling was required and my legs were like the pistons on a formula one car, well for 2 minutes at least.

Suddenly the air thinned and I felt as if I was breathing in butane that ignited in my lungs and turned them into a crematorium at full operation, my legs began to wobble and I seemed to loose control over the amount of methane exiting my body.
It was at this point that I had to dismount occasionally and push my bike, this seemed to indicate to the locals that I wished to converse with them, the greetings and questions that were shouted at me were often followed with giggles, as I was unable to speak I nodded and attempted to ride again. With approximately 250m to go I realised that I had all my gear ratios in reverse and that was why I was pedaling like a spinning pro when gentle cycling was required.

It took an hour of lying on my bed gasping for air and not moving before I was able to remove my shoes and socks, 20 minutes of cycling had hurt me more than a Blue Bulls supporter and his teams management choice of pink camouflage rugby jerseys.

"I have been hiding from exercise, I was in the Fitness Protection Program" 

More than Coffee

There is a part of me that embraces the single life and single parenting because of the quality time spent with my girls, the time together is so precious that it seems to fly by quicker than a Sunday afternoon.
The fact that we can up and go and breeze into all shops and just chill is perhaps selfish at times but appreciated and adored by the three of us. We do not gladly share this time as it is ours and no we feel no guilt in saying this.
I have my flat or room to myself depending on whether I am in South Africa or Lesotho and the freedom has allowed me to ponder and philosophise about life and where it suddenly turned on me and how I managed to somehow emerge face side up. The positives is that with the help of some amazing friends, family and chemical additives I am still standing.

However, there is another side to all of this.

I live from month to month and as C so rightly informed me, so does most of the population in this country let alone the world. So what am I moaning about this time? Well, it is the reality that I am not invincible, not bullet proof and have taken a fair knock in the past 8 years, I smile, joke and tease a lot yet when I retreat into the privacy of my man cave I ponder on the future and the image I have needs some rainbows, a dawning of Aquarius and a Winnie the Pooh outlook on life. Below I have added a few that seem pertinent to me at the moment;

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.” 

So, where does that leave me, well in survival mode I suppose and yes we are allowed to have a good whinge about life and how we sometimes want to through the towel in, the fact that I am able to rise and go to Work Another Day does not make me James Bond, it just makes me a single parent. Someone who like billions of others gets frustrated, tired and has good days and others where he just wants to get back into bed and hide under the covers.

My Simon finishes school next year and Nicole is 2 years behind, as I do what I can to prepare them for the next adventure in their lives, it has forced me to accept certain realities such as seeing less of them. Being alone and independent has created methods of coping such as hiding our true emotions from others and smiling so that you dont have to face the inevitable "Are you ok?"

So how do I conclude this essay of despair and self pity, well lets just say that I am not alone in it all and there are glimmers of beauty that beckon. So all in all its one of those days where I require more than coffee.




Nite All.

Moth to a Flame

A month away from home.
It contains 3 weeks of hard work and rest with exciting meals in-between  added to that are weekly trips to the local cinema where we watch movies still played on a reel film system and the purring of the projector and occasional jumping of the picture.
The trip to and from Maseru is a mixture of dodging mad pedestrians who consider themselves bull bar proof and sheep who stroll in front of you as if to remind you that the are permanent residents and you are the ex-pat. To complete the trio of the "Cannonball Run" are the local vehicles. No rear lights, travelling at 50km/h in the dark on the national road and the tendency to freeze at the sight of a vehicle approaching them from the rear.

The fourth week is when it reaches the point where the chemicals are required, nerves are raw and all on Site have a tendency to growl at each other like a wife and girlfriend meeting each other for the first time, Days and hours are counted down as the weekend home looms closer and with it a list of tasks and appointments, some for necessity and some for pleasure.

And this brings me to the subject of dating, courting and flirting and wining and dining.


My first responsibility lies with my daughters and together we anticipate the meeting after a month, a long hard hug with huge smiles and a kiss, then the next four days will be a succession of hugs and tales and holding hands as all that happened in the past month is shared and resolved if necessary.
These moments are often followed with me just watching and admiring my little ladies as they blossom into womanhood and start putting their stamp on who they will become.

I have friends that I need to see as they feed me with the positive energy and love that is so essential for my healthy mental state and positive input, these are also the creatures that know me and my devious habits and love me despite that. They share their families with me, their lives and in exceptional cases their puppies, they have become my circle of trust and those that I am accountable to.

Finally, the lady. Yes indeed, she flirts with my intellect, bedazzles me with imagery and brings a smile to my face as we discuss likes and dislikes and past and future. There is a common grasping and appreciation of food, wine, privacy and need of both intellectual and physical attractions and appreciation of family values.
I am continually intrigued on how the lack of chance applies to our lives, it serves to remind me that it is not a random rolling of the dice and many experiences and instances in our lives are moulded to bring us to where we are today. I am unique, however my circumstances are not.
The lady is a spark in a dark room and I shall continue to be drawn to her flame, perhaps this time I will not get burnt.

Nite all

December Beckons

I started writing this blog under a heading entitled "Lovers" and then I basically ran out of words of the positive nature.
Why?
Well I contemplated that as we approached Christmas, it was the time that more suicides are committed than any other time of the year, so I have decided to entitle it "Surviving Christmas".

My first 2 Christmas's after my divorce were absolute hell and I longed for the day to end and for folk to leave me alone, I could see through their smiles as their eyes told me that they felt sorry for me. It was a time where was it not for my beautiful Simon and Nicole, I would have fled and just kept running.
However, friends embraced us, they welcomed us into their homes and they acted normally and didnt make a fuss over us, they allowed us to hide, blend into the shadows and withdraw when it became too much.
My 3rd Christmas was much better and I was able to interact and my girls and I smiled and joined in, we had found our niche and our reduction from 4 to 3 was now stronger than ever, bless you Brian, Dee, Zane and Trav.

Financially the past three years have been all about survival and in most cases we were not even able to give gifts, this for me was a humbling experience as I battled to receive and not return the favour. On reflection it was a time where I truly learnt more in that period of my life about grace, love, compassion and God working through people as they blessed us with gifts, love and even food.Our first Christmas together was 2 weeks after the divorce and I was so broke that homeless folk slept better than I, I had no home a Fiat Uno with all my worldly possessions in it and we were housesitting a friend of a friends home. A friend took me off to Pick and Pay and bought us groceries for the holidays so that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding my girls. I will never forget that.

So this year, my wish for you and me is the same, find some friends, family or loved ones. If you have none of these then make an extra plate or two of food and drop them off with folk who would appreciate them, any old age home will have forgotten folk who will welcome sharing a cup of tea with you.

I plan to visit my folks, my Dad with advanced Parkinsons no longer remembers me and it pains me to see him in this state, but the memories are so alive and filled with love that it will be great to see him. My Mom is the rock that has and still does keep us as a family together and I have so much love and respect for her.

Dont leave it till the last minute, start your planning now and make it a Christmas to remember.


Nite All

My Girls

I sometimes have a need to write and just clear my head of the little chaos that is currently weighing me down, I have 2 sounding boards and will reflect my thoughts and let me actually hear what I am saying.
When I have spoken to Regan or Candy, I come away with some of the mess and wandering philosophies boxed and stored in a system I am able to make sense of.

I am not the easiest person to live or work with, ask my ex-wife and I am sure she will oblige, I strive for perfection and the word "anal" has been raised on more than one occasion. I am however generous to the point of stupidity and loyal as a dog and expect nothing except a thank you in return.  My latest concern has been my girls, two beautiful loving individuals who are blossoming into young ladies and have a grip on my heart so tight I could cry just thinking of them.

Simon turns sixteen shortly, she is bundle of teenage energy, master of accents and baker of note. She has the potential for greatness and I pray for her to find the right person to share this with. Show her a cookbook or the cooking channel and she will sit under her blanket and absorb and make shopping lists of "essential" ingredients as she does.
Nicole is my baby and my fighter, she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is passionate about her decisions right or wrong. She has also challenged many of my grey areas of beliefs and ideas and shattered them beyond recognition. When she decided to date across the racial line, it was time for me to reconsider my comfort zones regarding my princesses, and when my girls sat with me and discussed it and we shared our ideas I felt truly blessed to have them as my girls.

As they have grown and their independence and personalities have become more evident, I have been able to open myself to a different view and outlook on life. One should never underestimate the many ways God will reach out to us and prompt us to question what is acceptable and what needs to be challenged and perhaps thrown out if it is unfounded.

So in short, thank you my girls for your input into my life and keeping me on my toes mentally and emotionally, Daddy loves you more than you can ever imagine. Our relationship has been one of the blessings from my divorce.

Nite all

Gypsy Anyone?

It is very easy to get caught up in the business of "Woe is me" and the world is out to get me, it is a scenariou of not being your fault or being within my ability to change it.
When I was down and hating the world, I battled to get out of bed, out of my flat and out to visit my friends. It was easier to hide away and wallow in the darkness of my soul and room.

There is certainly a time for this and it was a time to reflect, heal and re-assess what I expected and wanted from life. I also used this time to analise and disect family and friends in my mind and place them in the boxes I had created. I file with my mind and am thus able to open and explore when I wish and also bury and hide other chapters till I am strong enough to open them.

So what is the purpose of this blog?

I dont know yet, bear with me and I ramble on. Oh wow rambles, remember when we had Arts & Crafts Rambles, people dressed like hippies and use words like "organic" "cosmic" "earthy" "karma" and could all be used in a sentence to like totally numb my colon. I loved that environment, people worked with their hands and had a wandering community of friends, yes there were politics but how serious could it be with a cosmic organic karma and vegetarian crafter who made leather bags and shoes.

So you can either hide and drown in your life or else throw a little caution to the wind and maybe live a little. I am not saying sell everything and start knitting your own underwear while you hug strawberries and french beans. Maybe just re-evaluate where you are in your life, decide if it has been a worthy life and if you are ready for an adventure, start with a little one.

I left my room with the aid of some amazing friends and a Mom who spent ages on her knees praying for me. It has been fun, at times scary and with an amazing lady holding my hand, I am learning to love and be loved again.

Nite All

Second Chances

You have two options in life, do it or think about it and never do anything about it.

Doing it results in yourself being open to hurt, rejected or elation and adventure. So what will you do?

I tried to play by the recognised timelines and theology that time heals all pain and the best will be rejuvenated and possibly even superseded, I waited because initially I was incapable of giving and would have ventured into areas I had no concept of knowing how to deal with.

Let me explain.

When I first realised that I no longer loved my ex which was about a year after the divorce, I had two huge dilemmas to overcome. The first was that I had loved her for so long after the divorce and secondly whether I was ever able to love again. Love doesn't die overnight, it fades and slowly wilts like a flower deprived of water or a dead fish hidden under the couch of someone who did you wrong. When the realisation dawns that it is dead, you either live with the shrivelled memory or you replace it with a better memory, aalmost like brushing your teeth after eating a brussel sprout covered in chocolate.

It is hard to lose faith in something, be it God, life, love or happiness and resign yourself to accepting the alternative as your new standard. God never left me, He simply needed me to stop shouting long enough to get a word in and that whisper was enough. Life means getting up no matter how difficult and soul destroying the day ahead seems and somehow facing it despite the consequences.

Love, well the harsh reality is that it may take a lot of failed dates before you find someone who will accept you as you are, you might still be looking and even reach a stage where you say "Enough".

My plea is simply to keep looking and take that chance.

Why? Because a day of smiles and laughter is worth a month of pain.

Because sunlight after a week or month of rain brings smiles and happiness.

Because you deserve better, a new chance, hope and a reason to fall asleep with a smile on your face.

Nite All

New Love

When I first began my blogging it was a survival mechanism for keeping the demons at bay and allowing me to try and find some method in the madness and destruction of divorce. It seemed to grow and take momentum and I found that there was a certain therapuutical peace and understanding that came from sharing my darkest voyages.

This is not one of those blogs.

From the wounded soul I was able to heal and grow and most importantly accept what had happened, my girls and I found safety in a family unit of 3 and we shared in a manner I am truly blessed about.

I dabbled briefly in dating and reached a stage where I accepted that perhaps this was not meant to be for now. So I plowed my energy into my girls, friends and studying.

And then it happened.

I received an invitation for coffee from a lady I had never met. I was a little nervous and had no idea what to expect. I figured coffee was an hour at the most and then I could escape. We met, we chatted, we drank cuppachinos and I studied her without trying to get caught. Her smile reached all the way to her eyes and was as infectious as a yawn, her hands were beautiful and well manicured and she had a glow about her skin. My mouth felt a little dry and I hoped I would not open my mouth and no words would come out. I held my hands together lest she saw that I was shaking ever so slightly. It was a gloriously amazing coffee encounter.

We parted and I felt as if a part of me had left with her.
I knew that I had to see her again, I had to hold her hand and if the gods granted me one final wish, it would be to kiss her.
That was 2 months ago, her 6 year old daughter and I seemed to gel from our first meeting and my girls "approve" of the new lady in my life. I expected to lose her when my sudden departure to Lesotho appeared like a pimple on the evening of a date, I even offered her a "get out of jail free" card. Simply put, I would allow her to walk away from me with no hard feelings, fortunately she declined.

Having someone in your life that you can share with, chat to and cuddle when you camt stop smiling or crying is possibly one of life's greatest blessings. To love and be loved is beyond description.

It has been 3 years since my life crumbled to its core, but from that brokeness has arisen something so special and beautiful that it makes the journey through hell worthwhile.

Bless all of you who have encouraged, supported, cared for prayed for my girls and I. Thank you seems such an unworthy response for what it means to us.

To my two new ladies in my life, you are so much more than I ever expected or deserved.

Nite all

New Years Resolutions

It seems a reasonable time to bring up the matter of New Years Resolutions. We have survived January and now the real grind of work, school and life has settled into some sort of routine.

The lady in our reception at work was telling me how exhausted she is, the maddening chaos of getting back into a routine is indeed hard work and stressful. With my girls it is the parents responsibility to buy all the text books and get them covered, stockists ran out and then the re-ordering and running up and down began.

It seems strange that my resolutions are no longer give up beer, exercise, study or save for that special unnecessary yet essential toy.

This year like last year it is simply to survive. That’s it.

Times are tough and recession has hit my industry in a big way and there are times when you are unsure if you will be eating chicken or praying for an invitation to supper from a friend.

As a good friend told me, my situation is not unique and many find themselves in this predicament. The workplace has transformed itself that we very seldom are in the same field of employement that we were 10 years ago.

I have been a Coca Cola Rep, a Safety Rep, A Health Food Rep, A Travel Agent, Been involved in Car Hire, worked for a national magazine and now am involved in the Quality field in Engineering and mining. No I didn’t get paid for the exotic dancing so its not a field of employment.

My take on Darwin is not that we originated from apes, but rather that humans evolve to adapt to and survive their present circumstances. Survival is not negotiable.

When the wheels fall off in my life and I lose hope and my sanity reaches that of Jehovah Witness at a Redneck Wedding, I call out to a very special friend. She knows me better than most and understands my chaos and somehow manages to calm me, focus my mind and encourage me.

In our darkest moments, an angel is sent to be the company we need till we can once again see some light.

Nite All

Shooting for Life

I have an incredible desire to shoot people.

My favourite is to sneak up on them and then shoot them before they even know what has hit them. In my ideal world, I would be hidden, watch them as they went about their daily tasks, the manner in which they interact with someone or something, focus and then do it.

When I am unaware that I am being watched, I act differently as I am sure we all do. My posture is a little more relaxed, my firm masculine rippling biceps are less noticable and my hair a slightly rustled and unkept look about it. Photography has the ability to capture in a single frame a thought or emotion the naked eye might not notice. I have seen photos that have made me smile, others that make my heart burst with pride (a photo shoot of my girls and I) and then those that make me cry. The photo I have included of the man to the right is my Dad. It says so little and yet it tells an entire tale and it is one I tried to ignore for so long.

When my Dad was first diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, I noticed the minor changes and simply accepted them. The change came when it started to affect him physically and in particular his brain and memory, I entered a state of denial and felt an incredible battle inside me. I refused to accept that this was happening to him and as such I missed out emotionally on a journey I now regret.
My divorce was one of the biggest emotional blessings I could ever have received as it forced me to face my emotions and express these foolishly flippant farcical feelings. I embraced pain, discovered a side to me I had forgotten about and learnt to connect with my girls on a level I had never known. I also realised that my Dad now, ill as he is and possibly with very little if any recollection of me, was all of and even more of the Dad I had ever dreamt him to be.

When I last visited my parents in September 2011, I had the privilege of watching and chatting with this man. Even though the conversations were stuttered and not always complete, I enjoyed them. I had the pleasure of seeing him through the lens of a camera and capturing moments I will forever carry with me. I also witnessed again my Mothers amazing love for her husband as she cared for him well beyond all human expectations. Her never ending care and constant compassion for the man she still loves so dearly after 47 years of marriage has kept him alive and active. I can never explain the pride and love I have for this incredible woman.

And so I continue to shoot people, special people and in a sense attempt to captivate that glimmer of magic in a world where hope is alive, where love definitely flourishes and the human spirit will not die.

Nite All

What a Deal

Hello Sir

Hello, how can I help you?

Well, I am 2012 and would like to thank you for the opportunity to introduce myself and wish you the very best for the year ahead. If I may be so bold i had a chat with 2011 and she mentioned that you had some problem areas that might be looked at to avoid reoccurrence of similar situations.

Should I be sitting down for this and will this brutal honesty  hurt less than having to publically admit that I am a South African cricket supporter?

Haha we have a wonderful opportunity we would like to offer you. We are prepared to upgrade all your hardship and unpleasant moments of 2011 to Experience Bonus points at no cost to yourself.
But wait, if you accept now we will provide you with a sculptured photoshopped torso of yourself in ice! Great for parties and oyster bars.
Also guarantees you to be the coolest guy in the room!

And if you are one our lucky first customers born on a Monday at noon on a leap year and your parents have been to the Pyramids and the Great Wall of China before 1975, you could qualify for a further 3%.

So embrace the year and good luck to you too.

Nite all

Santa's Special Delivery

So I had a dream, I was showering in a mysterious house I didn't know and there was a party downstairs.
Now I can imagine your first thought might be, 'Why are the heck are you showering if there's a party downstairs'? Well that part of the dream eludes me!
I can imagine I was somehow not in a state suitable for mingling. Perhaps I had been refereeing a mud wresting contest OR cooking and preparing grilled king prawns OR assisting in the delicate task of coating chocolate bunnies for Hugh Heffners Christmas Bash!

So I was showering and stepped out to dry myself when horror upon horror, I heard the ever nearing steps of stilettos approaching the bathroom. I did what any man in my position would do, I wrapped a towel around my head and closed my eyes. (in hindsight I should perhaps have covered my body as well)

So I was hiding with my back to the door when I heard it open.
Note to Self! When hiding in plain sight for all to see, hiding your head in a towel does not make you invisible!!!!

The door opened, I waited for the scream, but instead I heard the door close and those high heels approach me. I tensed and felt arms gently draw me near and the most beautiful husky voice whisper in my ear, "Look what Santa delivered for me"

Merry Christmas to each of you
For reading my tales the whole year through
Happy or sad or a little off key
They tell the adventures of little old me
May your day be filled with Christmas Cheer
I will toast you all with an ice cold beer

Nite all

I am Not Superman

It is a harsh reality and one I would prefer not to mention so openly, however I feel that we have shared so much on our journey I should not stop now.

I hear you ask how I know I am not Superman? Well here are the basic questions that need to be answered.
1. Have you ever changed ïn a phone booth or any other public place?
2. Have you ever had diarrhoea? Superman Doesn't get diarrhoea
3. Have you ever been late for a flight? Trick question folks, Superman doesn't fly in planes.
4. Have you ever worn a leotard and a cape and been sober at the time?
5. Do you wear Chuck Norris pajamas to bed at night? Superman does.

So my reality hit home today as my withdrawals took a serious turn for the worse. I feel giddy, tired, tense and tight chested in a manner unlike Dolly Parton.
Add to that emotionally low and as sad as wife who is unable to find something for her husband to do on a Saturday afternoon and you can partially imagine where I found myself.
I was not very much in love with life at all. It dawned on me that I had no choice but to get to my GP at once and confess and beg for forgiveness.
Her response was as follows, "you have stopped your meds haven't you and please don't tell me you stopped them suddenly". The specific meds I am on need to be fazed out over a minimum period of 2 months. They are some of the harshest to stop suddenly on.

To cut a long story shorter than Latoya Jacksons music career, I spent my last food money on a doctors visit and some chemicals.

Long live drugs and rock and roll.

Nite All

An Ode to my Friends

Its a little bit funny

This feeling inside
I used to be one whose feelings would hide
I lost a lot of things
Including love and pride
But I got a second chance and the old Ted has died

And you can tell everybody
I messed up and lied
I don't care cos the ones I love are here by my side
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
If I shout to the world
How wonderful life is with my 2 favourite girls

Looked out at my past
And I hang my head in shame
I got seduced by the world
And its soul stealing ways
But then I fell and I stumbled and I sobbed where I lay
Till you lifted me up and said "it'll be ok"

And now there's a rainbow and good friends next to me
I've got comfort and love and great company
And anyway what I'm really trying to say
Thank you for showing me it'll all be ok.

Dear Karma

Dear Karma,

I am sure you are extremely busy and as such wish to be as polite and to the point as possible.
I have some complaints or concerns for want of a better word.


1. Do you prioritise cases as they are emailed to you or is it that some are accidentally funnelled into your junk folder. That sometimes happens to my mail so just want to check to see if you know about it.


2. Do requests/cases/incidents have expiry dates?Just asking because you seem to be dragging your feet on some of mine. Not complaining, just mentioning it.



3. Are you harsher on repeat offenders, you see some folk have been getting so far up my nose that they have     
 sprouted hair and are now invading my bald spot. Do repeat offenders feel your joyous wrath with more intensity?



4. Please don't tell me that there is immunity for some bottoms, because that would make for the use of language  
that would make Gordon Ramsay sound like the Pope. 


5. Has the thought of a Karma Lotto been considered? We, the offended, get to purchase a ticket and should we  
win, well let's just say that you get to do what you do so well immediately.

I have spoken to some fellow colleagues who seem to share my concern that you seem to be slightly out of your depth. Have you considered roping in Santa, he is free 11 months a year and can be a real self righteous pri... um piece of work at times.

I trust I have not taken up too much of your time and await with anticipation your response or interventions.


Yours Sincerely
Dr Ted

Thanks Be to You

In the past 36 hours I have setup a home network Mac system, had a tattoo (a gift from my girls) longed for   a birthday cake and received 2 and thats just the start of it.

It has been a whirlwind of adrenaline a sugarless and chemical free high and emotional shock.
I have loved, been loved, been spoilt, laughed and cried and had an one armed bathed.
I have been driven around a golf estate in a golf cart by Nicole and Simon and gone from complete calm to the verge of screaming like a Williams sister and jumping off in a sheer act of survival. I spent 2 and a bit years in the Army with 18 year olds who were not qualified to pick their noses without adult supervision, but were deemed perfectly capable of operating a rifle with live ammunition and they scared me less than my daughters driving display.

Would I do it again, hell yes, who wants to end up looking like Mickey Rouke who has had so many facelifts that his belly button is now a dimple on his chin?

I cried because my silent birthday wish was for a cake and i was blessed with 2, I had a meal with family and shared coffee with friends. I received over a 100 birthday wishes and was humbled by the kind remarks teasing, for those who took the time to tease, laugh, insult and wish me, bless you for making me a very happy man.

Two years ago I celebrated my first birthday as a separated man and the road towards today has not been laden with chocolate bunnies and midgets wielding toothpicks as spears and matches as flame throwers. It has been a spiritual and emotional journey that has made the Oprah Windfree Show look like an episode of South Park.

So tonight, it is with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I acknowledge each of you and the remarkable role you have played in the lives of Simon, Nicole and myself and humbly thank you all.

  
Nite my special friends.

Birthday

Years have a way of sneaking up and accumulating and this can be seen as getting older or as I prefer to think, collecting memories. 

Birthdays are not as important to me anymore, what is however is the joy and love of friends and my amazing family. I have folk who tease me mercilessly and I love it.

 I have few wrinkles as the fat hides them and my rotound face is living proof of that. Eat away those wrinkles and lines haha. My angels still get so excited about my birthday and I love that innocent excitement. Life is ok. The challenges will always be there so no need trying to bury them under illusions of Grandeur. Yes, I get sad feel low despondent, but I also tease laugh and kiss and hug. But the cake! Man I need a cake today! Being divorced does not unfortunately entitle me to a complimentary cake. A little sad perhaps.

 So I await the arrival of today the same way a puppy awaits its master returning from work.

 Nite All

B.A.D. (Blessings After Divorce)

Who would have thought?
Candy? Dee? You should both be smiling, my special sisters who never gave up on me. You guys never gave up and showed patience and love beyond human understanding. Bless you!

Blessings, let me count them.
Firstly no-one in the world has two more beautiful sensitive loving daughters. When they heard the news of our pending divorce, it destroyed their world, they were shattered.
I didn't ever imagine that 4 could be replaced by 3 and still make a whole.

Their smiles and laughter are the chocolate and fresh cream in the eclair I call my life.
Yes their school-work suffered, there was anger, hurt and confusion, all I could so was love them, cuddle them and listen to them. And they understood and realised that I couldn't be all they needed but they waited.

Divorce is more cruel than telling me that Santa doesn't drink beer or that the Easter Bunny doesn't live in the Playboy Mansion. Its like discovering that mirrors don't lie and have a seriously malicious streak in them.

Divorce I must add is not a death sentence, but an opportunity to learn, ponder and start with a clean slate.
Memories from Heartache and Hope from Pain.

Nite All.

Spring

Spring.
A new shoot, green and hopeful forces itself to the surface and gazes innocently at its new surroundings.
The environment is not completely hostile, but neither is it friendly.
The difference is that there is hope.

I am at a crossroads in my life where I have journeyed so far, I have battled, sweated, struggled with religion and morals and cried tears of sadness and frustration. Yet I have also discovered a new Ted, one who is more patient, honest, able to listen and shut up when required.
I have the most amazing friends in the world, I have made friends with folk I never see and they have become a part of my circle. Today I will mention a single Mom who is raising her daughter whilst battling to find a job. She has hit rock bottom, sobbed and hid, but she hasn't given up. What an honour to know her and know that when we finally meet for fruit salad and coffee, I will be able to hug her and laugh together.

Then my new friend, shy, funny, cute and a blushing beauty who has exploded into my life, thank you.
You make me smile and believe in a part of my life I had packed away.
I am smiling like a teenager as I write about you, I didn't think this was possible and irrespective of the future, I am happy now.

Spring is on our doorstep, embrace it.
Enter the world with a smile and a bounce in your step and who knows what new doors of opportunity await you.

Nite all.

Courage

What is courage?
Is it the absence of fear? No I think it is the strength to do something despite being scared.

Sometimes courage means saving a puppy from a burning building, or saving the world from the invasion of the Swedish nannies.
But othertimes, it could be a simple act like forcing yourself to get out of bed, not taking verbal or any form of abuse and removing yourself from that type of situation in the future.

Courage does not dress itself in a superhero outfit, be 6ft tall and have a perfect smile. It could be a 5 year old who has to adapt to her parents divorce, it could a devastated heart broken parent realising that the past is a burning ruin and not having the slightest clue what to do next.
It is a hug to a 44 year old man whose heart and soul have been raped and simply committing to be there for him no matter what.

Courage is the tiny voice that shatters the silence.

Nite all