More than Coffee

There is a part of me that embraces the single life and single parenting because of the quality time spent with my girls, the time together is so precious that it seems to fly by quicker than a Sunday afternoon.
The fact that we can up and go and breeze into all shops and just chill is perhaps selfish at times but appreciated and adored by the three of us. We do not gladly share this time as it is ours and no we feel no guilt in saying this.
I have my flat or room to myself depending on whether I am in South Africa or Lesotho and the freedom has allowed me to ponder and philosophise about life and where it suddenly turned on me and how I managed to somehow emerge face side up. The positives is that with the help of some amazing friends, family and chemical additives I am still standing.

However, there is another side to all of this.

I live from month to month and as C so rightly informed me, so does most of the population in this country let alone the world. So what am I moaning about this time? Well, it is the reality that I am not invincible, not bullet proof and have taken a fair knock in the past 8 years, I smile, joke and tease a lot yet when I retreat into the privacy of my man cave I ponder on the future and the image I have needs some rainbows, a dawning of Aquarius and a Winnie the Pooh outlook on life. Below I have added a few that seem pertinent to me at the moment;

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.” 

So, where does that leave me, well in survival mode I suppose and yes we are allowed to have a good whinge about life and how we sometimes want to through the towel in, the fact that I am able to rise and go to Work Another Day does not make me James Bond, it just makes me a single parent. Someone who like billions of others gets frustrated, tired and has good days and others where he just wants to get back into bed and hide under the covers.

My Simon finishes school next year and Nicole is 2 years behind, as I do what I can to prepare them for the next adventure in their lives, it has forced me to accept certain realities such as seeing less of them. Being alone and independent has created methods of coping such as hiding our true emotions from others and smiling so that you dont have to face the inevitable "Are you ok?"

So how do I conclude this essay of despair and self pity, well lets just say that I am not alone in it all and there are glimmers of beauty that beckon. So all in all its one of those days where I require more than coffee.




Nite All.

Sundays, Cycling & Death

Sunday nights are the pits.

I am in darkest Africa and am currently camera-less, work is getting busy, but like all projects away from home the weekends are long. I am not a sociable drinker so clinging onto a bar counter like a three year old holding onto his penis is not really my thing.
My Mom and sister have knitted some teddy bears, scarves and beanies for the kids in Lesotho so this weekend they will be delivered, how my Mom manages this while looking after my Dad with advanced Parkinsons is indeed astounding. I am alone and I barely manage to look after myself, in fact if my bottom wasn't connected to my body, I am sure I would have misplaced it by now.

I have come to realise that my girls are at an age where they need their parents less and less and are becoming independant little adults. I think it is harder for a Dad to accept as they are always going to be my little angels, I mean that's why I have the chloroform, cable ties, baseball bat and hacksaw or as I prefer to call it, my "Dexter Welcoming Kit". When I am having a bad day or feeling lonely, I think of my girls or try and make contact with a friend back in SA, sometimes I find someone to chat to and sometimes they are able to chat, so I need a cuddle buddy and a chat buddy. Should you wish to apply for any of the positions, please mail me on tedlodewijks@gmail.com and I will respond accordingly, tequila or milkshakes will be supplied.



I am also considering aquiring a bicycle, my concerns are that I will be able to walk, sit or get out of the bath after my first cycle, as I am living with 15 guys I would also rather die naked in the bath than have them rescue me. So the cos by far outweigh the pros at this stage, also whoever designed cycling kit must have been more in touch with his happy side than Elton John after a couple of strawberry daquiris. And for the record guys, any drink that has an umbrella, fruit or needs to be drunk through a straw is meant for the ladies, just saying.

On that extremely biased note, I must leave you and head into a 3 hour meeting.

Nite all

Alone is Ok!

Candy told me that there would be a point where I would no longer dread the loneliness and accept being alone as a time where I could relax. She also told me that this would become a time I would treasure and even look forward to.

As it is in most cases with her, she was correct. But let's go back a step or two.

I have always been someone who has been surrounded by people, a family of 6 growing up, team sports, the army, my own family unit of 4. I have never been alone and as such when my marriage ended I was not only devastated, I was also completely alone for the first time in my life. It scared me to the point where I was even unable to sleep without a light on.

The silence haunted me and made me panic with what if scenarios and eventually drove me to the point of madness. But that is the past.

Two very important truths were pointed out to me, one was that I would be able to be alone and not be lonely and two, that I had to learn to love myself again. This is not the sort of Johnny Bravo "Hey pretty Mama wanna come up to my room and see my pretty muscles" love. It is an acceptance of who I am, an ability to love the man in the mirror warts and all. It is the ability to see the wrinkles and accept them as life lines or laugh lines, a change of perspective and willingness to forgive myself and then in time others. I must be able to love the man in the mirror before I can truly love another.

What we project is also what we attract, project anger and inveribly it will come to meet you, live and love life and you will attract people to you because they want to share in your joy. By accepting who you are and striving to be a better person for unselfish reasons, you will attract love and warmth.

So tonight, remember that "Alone is ok".

The Kids Part 2

So much has changed in the past 2 years and yet there are still some consistencies, I am stronger, tougher and in the eyes of some harder.

But what hasn't changed is the lump in my throat as Simon stands in the driveway and waves goodbye to me and won't leave till I have gone.
What hasn't changed is that I battle to drive home and am unable to stop thinking about my girls.
Also the fact that we seldom speak on the way to their Moms house as we are all dealing with our own thoughts and processing them.

Even in a divorce where the needs and cares of the children are catered for, the upheaval from one parents home to another is tough for them.

My home is as quieter than the Clintons home when Monica's name is mentioned.

Kids are like avo trees grown in your lounge, protected yet still in need of love, nutrition and warmth. Our kids will radiate what we put in, treat them with respect and love, listen when they talk and encourage them to do their best.
Isn't it sad to see so many teenagers unable to chat to their parents because the folks are too busy, too irritable, too tired. Then we wonder why when the parents get older, they never see the kids when they leave home.

To be told that there is no-one or nothing in the world that you would be swopped with means more than everything else in the world.

Nite All