A Fathers Letter

Its been a while since I put keyboard to blog and I suppose I needed an inspiration or desire to one again share whats on my heart.
This is a letter from myself to one of my daughters who is really going through a rough time and has been for a while now, I hope it will somehow put a smile on her face and let her know how much I love here even though I don't get to see her much. Perhaps it is also meant for someone else out there who feels the same way.

Hello my angel,

Firstly let me tell you that I love you, I have loved you since the first day I held you and when I think of you it makes me smile from my soul. I am battling to see the screen as I type this because, well my eyes have entered a leaking mode and I have a lump in my throat.

When you were born I never for one moment imagined what would happen to you and your sister, having to go through a divorce, changing schools, losing your home and trying to keep control of your little world as it slowly crumbled and collapsed around you. There were times when I know you cried yourself to sleep and wondered what you had done to deserve this, the answer is nothing. It was not your fault that your Mom and I parted ways, it was not your fault that you were and still are blamed for being "like your father" even though you are a thousand times the person I will ever be. You have seen so much and experienced both sides of family life, the one where it all works and the one where its a place where you just want to scream and rage against the world, I understand when you put in your earphones and just block out the world and I understand when your eyes swell with tears as you struggle to comprehend how trust, promises and love are smashed like a red wine glass falling on a tile floor. The wine that sprays in every direction is like your heart and you try desperately to clutch and grab it to stop the pain.

What has happened to you is what is supposed to happen to other people, not you and the way it has affected your health is understandable as your system struggled to survive and recover. It doesn't make it right or fair.
When I see you sobbing as we video chat I am both overcome with sadness and at the same time love, the fact that you are able to share your pain and vulnerability as well as your joy and craziness makes me proud to be your Dad.

You have a sensitive soul and a spirit that touches peoples lives and makes them smile, when you explode into a room  it's like trying to wash a wriggling puppy, everybody gets wet. You have a gift, a talent so rare that those who know you and pass through your life always remember you for your smile, laughter and compassion. So how do I fix it, well in truth I don't. I can simply walk beside you and allow you to lean on me and even carry you when it gets really bad, I can comfort you when you don't want to talk and listen when you do.
If I could simply insert a memory stick into you, download all your pain and sorrow and transfer it to myself I would, but it is a part of the amazing person you are and it has enabled you to not only grow stronger, but help so many around you.

Its never easy when those you love and trust turn on you and hurt you, its the attacks we never expect that do the most damage because we don't ever imagine it would happen.

Here is what I know;

• You are growing up into an amazing lady
• You have lots of people who appreciate you, love you and are blessed by you
• Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain
• Your capacity to love is far greater than you have ever imagined
• God loves you just the way you are because that is how He created you

In closing, I want to thank you for helping me to see life in a different perspective, for accepting my craziness and sharing yours with me and most of all, for being who you are.

I will always love you and I miss you very much

Dad

More than Coffee

There is a part of me that embraces the single life and single parenting because of the quality time spent with my girls, the time together is so precious that it seems to fly by quicker than a Sunday afternoon.
The fact that we can up and go and breeze into all shops and just chill is perhaps selfish at times but appreciated and adored by the three of us. We do not gladly share this time as it is ours and no we feel no guilt in saying this.
I have my flat or room to myself depending on whether I am in South Africa or Lesotho and the freedom has allowed me to ponder and philosophise about life and where it suddenly turned on me and how I managed to somehow emerge face side up. The positives is that with the help of some amazing friends, family and chemical additives I am still standing.

However, there is another side to all of this.

I live from month to month and as C so rightly informed me, so does most of the population in this country let alone the world. So what am I moaning about this time? Well, it is the reality that I am not invincible, not bullet proof and have taken a fair knock in the past 8 years, I smile, joke and tease a lot yet when I retreat into the privacy of my man cave I ponder on the future and the image I have needs some rainbows, a dawning of Aquarius and a Winnie the Pooh outlook on life. Below I have added a few that seem pertinent to me at the moment;

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.” 

So, where does that leave me, well in survival mode I suppose and yes we are allowed to have a good whinge about life and how we sometimes want to through the towel in, the fact that I am able to rise and go to Work Another Day does not make me James Bond, it just makes me a single parent. Someone who like billions of others gets frustrated, tired and has good days and others where he just wants to get back into bed and hide under the covers.

My Simon finishes school next year and Nicole is 2 years behind, as I do what I can to prepare them for the next adventure in their lives, it has forced me to accept certain realities such as seeing less of them. Being alone and independent has created methods of coping such as hiding our true emotions from others and smiling so that you dont have to face the inevitable "Are you ok?"

So how do I conclude this essay of despair and self pity, well lets just say that I am not alone in it all and there are glimmers of beauty that beckon. So all in all its one of those days where I require more than coffee.




Nite All.

Miles of Smiles Part Three

Christmas & Beyond

I used to love Christmas, the music, tree and all its decorations, cooking for lots of people and presents and most importantly, the Christmas Service at our local Church. The second last time we attended the Service, I went dressed in my Father Christmas outfit and the looks I got from the little kids present (and some of the parents) were worth every bucket of sweat I shed in that hour.
Since the divorce, I haven't been back to a Christmas Service, perhaps next year I will pluck up the courage.

So we were ready, off to bed early, trifle made, meat ready to go into the oven, presents wrapped and Dad sleeping. The previous three year Brian,Dee and their family had opened their homes to us and we had embraced this as place of safety to survive the day, this year we wanted it to be different.
We awoke, showered, wished each other Merry Christmas and my Mom and I got my Dad out of his bed, onto the wheelchair and then into his lazyboy chair, Mom does 90% of it and I simply assist because I want to be there, its more important than life itself that I do something.
Presents on the coffee table, Simon the official distributor and me with my Canon shooting the whole event. 
Lunch was amazing, my Mom feeding my Dad and the girls and I unable to move as we felt so full we   were not able to lie on our bellies for fear that our heads would not reach the pillows.
It was our third Christmas together and finally the spirit was back again.

The next day was shell hunting, (a task so dangerous that I was forced to reveal my torso to ward off the predators), a swim in the sea and supper with Brad and Vicky. This trip had also allowed us to meet old friends, some for the first time. In an age of electronic friendships, international friendships are possible and on this trip I was determined to meet as many of my friends I had never seen face to face, Brad and Vicky are not one of those, they have a house that oozes love, food, fellowship and  amazing wine. It was a home to all who entered it and no-one left empty handed. 

In life there are moments where you can just feel blessed and cared for, this holiday was reaching a stage where old wounds that were sealed were being healed, it was a spiritual experience where all we encountered was love and beauty and I felt like breathing again.

Miles of Smiles Part Two

Beach & Shopping

Rested and fed and fed again, the girls and I headed to the beach and our first of many encounters with the surf clothing shops, Country Feeling, Billabong to name a few. 

They shopped, and shopped, then shopped a little more and when I was proudly holing up a white speedo for all to see they simply shook their heads in disbelief and shopped a little more. No, I was not permitted to try on the white speedo and sing YMCA for the fellow shoppers, I was sent to purchase water. 

R12 for a bottle of 500ml water, I asked the shop attendant if that included the vaseline to make the whole episode less painful, the blank stare I received told me all I needed to know. I returned to my girls and ignored the security whose frail attempts to inform me that refreshments were not allowed in the shop, imagine I slipped and spilt some bottled water on a bikini or a towel, heck they would have to throw it out.

And so the shopping ended with a drunk stumbling barefooted local showing me how to reverse and then patiently waiting for payment for his expertise, we arrived at the beach. I removed my shirt and slops, flexed and relaxed my wobbly bits and with my camera round my neck followed Simon and Nicole to the waters edge. I was finally on holiday, I clicked and focussed and shot everything in sight, spoke to bikini clad ladies and then photographed them, the girls were on a venture to collect shells so I photographed them as well.

The sea air, the laughter, the little kid who splashed me and whose head I was now holding under the water, it was just what I needed. 

We arrived back at my parents house and raided the fridge which was bursting as usual, went to check on my Dad and he looked much better than the previous day, the cooler weather was definitely helping. Mom and I discussed Christmas lunch which would included 3 different meats and enough food to feed  a troop of JW's if they came a-knocking.

My Mom is so in control and bubbly that you would never guess that she is a pensioner/wife/nurse/cook/Mom to 4 and Granny to 3. She wakes up with a smile and just gets through the day taking all life deals her. She deals with her sorrow and hardships with a strong faith and never say die attitude. 

A final trip to the shops for some last minute Christmas shopping for the girls and some more photo shooting for me and we were ready for a family Christmas. This was what the girls and I had been talking about and planning for more than 6 months, Christmas at my folks with Granny's cooking. Simon had made her now famous trifle and we fell asleep with smiles on our faces.

It was hard to believe that this was the same shattered, bruised and broken family of three that had to face Christmas three years ago, raw from divorce. Time, hard work, love and faith can indeed work miracles.

Room Service

Hi, I am Ted and I am divorced. Not dead, not socially outcast just divorced.

Ok so tell us Ted what the problem is? There is a problem I assume?

Well, here goes. I am a man with emotions, feelings and desires. I am attracted to beautiful women as I have been before, however before I was married and never considered an affair because of that. Now I am divorced, I do not wish to make love to every woman I see, but I would like love and be loved.
My work circumstances do not allow for a relationship as I spend 3 days a month back is South Africa, all of which is spent with my girls.

So what my dear friends is a fella to do?

Rent him a lady for the pleasure of her ways and then hitch up my trousers and set off on another adventure?
Pursue the possibility of a Russian bride, limited knowledge of the English language and customs perhaps, but beautiful, loyal (I am told) and a companion.
I have agreed on principle not to mention the little people, often referred to as midgets, oh here is an advert I found on a website under "Exotic Pets".
Midget for Sale
Entertaining, friendly, clean and can be litter box trained. Perfect for leash training, fetching and tricks. Can be dressed in cute clothes.
Imagine how jealous your friends will be when they see you have your own midget.

Ok enough little side issues, back to my moral dilemma, paying a lady for her services is out of the question, the sweet Russian bride is too close to slavery in my humble opinion.
Religion degrees all activities of a sexual manner be carried out or administered within the legal restrains of marriage, sounds very erotic doesn't. "Darling, I feel a stirring and am contemplating an administration if your schedule allows it?"

So, pray do tell, what is a divorced hot blooded man to do?

Nite All.

December Beckons

I started writing this blog under a heading entitled "Lovers" and then I basically ran out of words of the positive nature.
Why?
Well I contemplated that as we approached Christmas, it was the time that more suicides are committed than any other time of the year, so I have decided to entitle it "Surviving Christmas".

My first 2 Christmas's after my divorce were absolute hell and I longed for the day to end and for folk to leave me alone, I could see through their smiles as their eyes told me that they felt sorry for me. It was a time where was it not for my beautiful Simon and Nicole, I would have fled and just kept running.
However, friends embraced us, they welcomed us into their homes and they acted normally and didnt make a fuss over us, they allowed us to hide, blend into the shadows and withdraw when it became too much.
My 3rd Christmas was much better and I was able to interact and my girls and I smiled and joined in, we had found our niche and our reduction from 4 to 3 was now stronger than ever, bless you Brian, Dee, Zane and Trav.

Financially the past three years have been all about survival and in most cases we were not even able to give gifts, this for me was a humbling experience as I battled to receive and not return the favour. On reflection it was a time where I truly learnt more in that period of my life about grace, love, compassion and God working through people as they blessed us with gifts, love and even food.Our first Christmas together was 2 weeks after the divorce and I was so broke that homeless folk slept better than I, I had no home a Fiat Uno with all my worldly possessions in it and we were housesitting a friend of a friends home. A friend took me off to Pick and Pay and bought us groceries for the holidays so that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding my girls. I will never forget that.

So this year, my wish for you and me is the same, find some friends, family or loved ones. If you have none of these then make an extra plate or two of food and drop them off with folk who would appreciate them, any old age home will have forgotten folk who will welcome sharing a cup of tea with you.

I plan to visit my folks, my Dad with advanced Parkinsons no longer remembers me and it pains me to see him in this state, but the memories are so alive and filled with love that it will be great to see him. My Mom is the rock that has and still does keep us as a family together and I have so much love and respect for her.

Dont leave it till the last minute, start your planning now and make it a Christmas to remember.


Nite All

Bullies

We all have a thorn in our side, a bug who we would like to squash and strutt away into the sunset sipping on a canned beverage.

Some of life's problems can be resolved by turning the other cheek, being the bigger person or smiling in the face of adversity, others however . . . . .
In the early days of divorce there are so many raw emotions and confused thoughts that you wear your emotions on your sleeve. Snapping, outbursts and overwhelming emotions with a tendency to take all comments personally don't help the situation.

It has now been close to three years that I have been divorced and friends, family and a very patient therapist have turned me into a human being, well not according all that is. What has changed is that I have learnt to express my self, so instead of saying "That was not the most intelligent decision of your life" I might be tempted to utter "OMW did we have to flush all our braincells away this morning? Could we not have saved 3 to keep us ahead of Neanderthal man? Really"
Being honest has helped me to stop myself from having my third stroke, so far so good.

Back to the thorny little bullies, in this case a limp wristed pencil pushing spoilt human who has no people skills and the tact of a sailor in a brothel, someone who has no management experience and uses their lack of skills to bully those below them by means of pulling "rank". Such a spineless silver spoon fed protected enema of a human specimen only understands one form of response, attack.

So I lost it, not proud of my actions, but in this case justified as it required this method of interaction to send back the slithering sloth to the hole from where it crawled.

Bullies only understand a show of force, it requires this for them to leave you be and search for an easier prey who will bow down to their little power plays.

Inner peace, meditation and calm, maybe tomorrow.

Nite All

So You Had a Crap Day . .

So you had a crap day.

Its ok, no seriously it means you are normal and this is all part of the wonder experience we like to refer to as "life".
I am a two cuppachino before 09h00 in the morning person, if my schedule is somehow broken I have the potential to be as friendly as an ex-wife who cant track her maintenance payments. We all have little rituals that form part of our sanity tour and this often determines if we whistle as we work like one of those super happy little smiling dwarves or turn into the haemoroid man who has to cycle to work and is too scared to use the loo because of the pain.

When I reflect on the past week, month and year, I analyse the goof, the bad and the ugly. I then try and understand what made me able to stabilise the bad and the ugly and what pushed me over the edge. Sometimes as I plummet into a pit of misery and depressing self pity, I am able to stop myself and recover, other times I have to swallow my pride and reach out to a friend. This reaching out is not always easy as questions will be raised that need to be answered, I don't like that because it somehow indicates that I not a superhero, merely a human.

If I now glance back over the past 3 years, I have notice that I have gone from having 1 good day a fortnight to 12. I am no longer triggered by comments and remarks from my ex and my fuse is now considerably longer. I don't question why, what and if only any more, I have accepted what has happened and am embracing my new role as a single dad. I have also realised that being single is fine and that my job and my girls need me to be this way for a while. It will need someone who understands me and is patient to allow me to enter their lives, perhaps that person is still out there and if she isn't then thats cool as well.

As for those off days, well its all about how we deal with them that matters. To smile and keep it all together when your steak is overcook or how you deal with a limp asparagus if you're a vegetarian tells alot about your character.

So you had a crap day?


Nite All

My Girls

I sometimes have a need to write and just clear my head of the little chaos that is currently weighing me down, I have 2 sounding boards and will reflect my thoughts and let me actually hear what I am saying.
When I have spoken to Regan or Candy, I come away with some of the mess and wandering philosophies boxed and stored in a system I am able to make sense of.

I am not the easiest person to live or work with, ask my ex-wife and I am sure she will oblige, I strive for perfection and the word "anal" has been raised on more than one occasion. I am however generous to the point of stupidity and loyal as a dog and expect nothing except a thank you in return.  My latest concern has been my girls, two beautiful loving individuals who are blossoming into young ladies and have a grip on my heart so tight I could cry just thinking of them.

Simon turns sixteen shortly, she is bundle of teenage energy, master of accents and baker of note. She has the potential for greatness and I pray for her to find the right person to share this with. Show her a cookbook or the cooking channel and she will sit under her blanket and absorb and make shopping lists of "essential" ingredients as she does.
Nicole is my baby and my fighter, she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is passionate about her decisions right or wrong. She has also challenged many of my grey areas of beliefs and ideas and shattered them beyond recognition. When she decided to date across the racial line, it was time for me to reconsider my comfort zones regarding my princesses, and when my girls sat with me and discussed it and we shared our ideas I felt truly blessed to have them as my girls.

As they have grown and their independence and personalities have become more evident, I have been able to open myself to a different view and outlook on life. One should never underestimate the many ways God will reach out to us and prompt us to question what is acceptable and what needs to be challenged and perhaps thrown out if it is unfounded.

So in short, thank you my girls for your input into my life and keeping me on my toes mentally and emotionally, Daddy loves you more than you can ever imagine. Our relationship has been one of the blessings from my divorce.

Nite all

Love Hurts

I wonder what caused women to begin the neverending and sometimes thankless task of pruning themselves and driving men crazy?

I mean manicures, pedicaures, botox and implants and make up that costs enough to feed a small town in outer Mongoli, and that excludes the fashion sense. Now now gentlemen, we are just as guilty and those that are not are more than likely in a long standing relationship or marriage and their partners have simply given up on them.

My journey into the Gentle Art of Beautification began when I first realised that there were creatures who lived amongst us that did not wrestle for an oblong leather ball and partake of such rituals as burping national anthems and lighting methane bursts. They were smaller, smelled different and hung around in gangs that either ignored or giggled at you. Thus began my first trip into my Dads wardrobe and I discovered the world of Old Spice and Blue Stratus, firmly believing that too much was better than too little, I could be smelled from a mile away.

My amazement was complete when I observed that not all the young ladies threw themselves at me and admired my aftershave ridden body, this I came to know as playing "Hard to Get".

But from humble beginnings I progressed to higher levels of pruning like a gaming junkie. Cut my toe nails and finger nails and didnt use them as toothpicks, had regular hair cuts and discovered shower gel.

Following my divorce, I had my first manicure and pedicure and enjoyed the relaxing pampering I received, lo and behold I found I was still straight and that these experiences had not turned me into a gay man instantly.

And then it started to get a little more intense. Nicole my daughter my 13 year old angel convinced me to shave my chest!!!!!! I did so without removing my nipples and for a week I was so itchy that I wanted to rip my shirt off and pound my naked chest like King Kong. That has now been forgotten and the hair returneth.

But was that enough?

No of course not.

I heard of the term "manscaping" where one basically trims the hair down under and provides a better, less primitive attraction for purposes of this blog. I decided to approach the area concerned with a beard trimmer and with the vigour of a puppy charging a porcupine.

I gasped, hesitated and at the first sight of blood dropped the Remington butchering device and crossed my legs. This action was supposed to remove the sudden stinging pain that came from cut treasures.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!

The bath that followed and the 2 days of anxious walking and carefull sitting was a rude reminder that some actions need to be left to professionals.
My now scarred and tender manscaped adventure has to end for now.

Nite All

Gypsy Anyone?

It is very easy to get caught up in the business of "Woe is me" and the world is out to get me, it is a scenariou of not being your fault or being within my ability to change it.
When I was down and hating the world, I battled to get out of bed, out of my flat and out to visit my friends. It was easier to hide away and wallow in the darkness of my soul and room.

There is certainly a time for this and it was a time to reflect, heal and re-assess what I expected and wanted from life. I also used this time to analise and disect family and friends in my mind and place them in the boxes I had created. I file with my mind and am thus able to open and explore when I wish and also bury and hide other chapters till I am strong enough to open them.

So what is the purpose of this blog?

I dont know yet, bear with me and I ramble on. Oh wow rambles, remember when we had Arts & Crafts Rambles, people dressed like hippies and use words like "organic" "cosmic" "earthy" "karma" and could all be used in a sentence to like totally numb my colon. I loved that environment, people worked with their hands and had a wandering community of friends, yes there were politics but how serious could it be with a cosmic organic karma and vegetarian crafter who made leather bags and shoes.

So you can either hide and drown in your life or else throw a little caution to the wind and maybe live a little. I am not saying sell everything and start knitting your own underwear while you hug strawberries and french beans. Maybe just re-evaluate where you are in your life, decide if it has been a worthy life and if you are ready for an adventure, start with a little one.

I left my room with the aid of some amazing friends and a Mom who spent ages on her knees praying for me. It has been fun, at times scary and with an amazing lady holding my hand, I am learning to love and be loved again.

Nite All

Second Chances

You have two options in life, do it or think about it and never do anything about it.

Doing it results in yourself being open to hurt, rejected or elation and adventure. So what will you do?

I tried to play by the recognised timelines and theology that time heals all pain and the best will be rejuvenated and possibly even superseded, I waited because initially I was incapable of giving and would have ventured into areas I had no concept of knowing how to deal with.

Let me explain.

When I first realised that I no longer loved my ex which was about a year after the divorce, I had two huge dilemmas to overcome. The first was that I had loved her for so long after the divorce and secondly whether I was ever able to love again. Love doesn't die overnight, it fades and slowly wilts like a flower deprived of water or a dead fish hidden under the couch of someone who did you wrong. When the realisation dawns that it is dead, you either live with the shrivelled memory or you replace it with a better memory, aalmost like brushing your teeth after eating a brussel sprout covered in chocolate.

It is hard to lose faith in something, be it God, life, love or happiness and resign yourself to accepting the alternative as your new standard. God never left me, He simply needed me to stop shouting long enough to get a word in and that whisper was enough. Life means getting up no matter how difficult and soul destroying the day ahead seems and somehow facing it despite the consequences.

Love, well the harsh reality is that it may take a lot of failed dates before you find someone who will accept you as you are, you might still be looking and even reach a stage where you say "Enough".

My plea is simply to keep looking and take that chance.

Why? Because a day of smiles and laughter is worth a month of pain.

Because sunlight after a week or month of rain brings smiles and happiness.

Because you deserve better, a new chance, hope and a reason to fall asleep with a smile on your face.

Nite All

New Love

When I first began my blogging it was a survival mechanism for keeping the demons at bay and allowing me to try and find some method in the madness and destruction of divorce. It seemed to grow and take momentum and I found that there was a certain therapuutical peace and understanding that came from sharing my darkest voyages.

This is not one of those blogs.

From the wounded soul I was able to heal and grow and most importantly accept what had happened, my girls and I found safety in a family unit of 3 and we shared in a manner I am truly blessed about.

I dabbled briefly in dating and reached a stage where I accepted that perhaps this was not meant to be for now. So I plowed my energy into my girls, friends and studying.

And then it happened.

I received an invitation for coffee from a lady I had never met. I was a little nervous and had no idea what to expect. I figured coffee was an hour at the most and then I could escape. We met, we chatted, we drank cuppachinos and I studied her without trying to get caught. Her smile reached all the way to her eyes and was as infectious as a yawn, her hands were beautiful and well manicured and she had a glow about her skin. My mouth felt a little dry and I hoped I would not open my mouth and no words would come out. I held my hands together lest she saw that I was shaking ever so slightly. It was a gloriously amazing coffee encounter.

We parted and I felt as if a part of me had left with her.
I knew that I had to see her again, I had to hold her hand and if the gods granted me one final wish, it would be to kiss her.
That was 2 months ago, her 6 year old daughter and I seemed to gel from our first meeting and my girls "approve" of the new lady in my life. I expected to lose her when my sudden departure to Lesotho appeared like a pimple on the evening of a date, I even offered her a "get out of jail free" card. Simply put, I would allow her to walk away from me with no hard feelings, fortunately she declined.

Having someone in your life that you can share with, chat to and cuddle when you camt stop smiling or crying is possibly one of life's greatest blessings. To love and be loved is beyond description.

It has been 3 years since my life crumbled to its core, but from that brokeness has arisen something so special and beautiful that it makes the journey through hell worthwhile.

Bless all of you who have encouraged, supported, cared for prayed for my girls and I. Thank you seems such an unworthy response for what it means to us.

To my two new ladies in my life, you are so much more than I ever expected or deserved.

Nite all

Raising Teenagers Made Simple

I will not murder them I will not murder them I will not murder them!

Sound familiar?

How many parents of teenagers have sworn this self-motivating chant to themselves?

I have 2 of the easiest most well behaved teenaged daughters in the world and yet, at times I feel the urge to spice them, baste them and add the proverbial apple to the mouth and slow roast them. Remember the promise we made when we became parents and entered this world with the enthusiam of a puppy attacking a roll of toilet paper? We swore on all things holy, pure and blessed that we would NOT become like our parents.We would be different! A new generation of parenting, after all what did our parents know.

Reality is that we try the best we can, by trial and error, add love, frustration and worry and somehow we get through it all. I am a single Dad with enough finances to raise one and a half kids, I have two and as I ponder the expenses vs income, I am well aware that I can not resort to exotic dancing on re-inforced tables in my sleeping hours. I now longer require beauty sleep as this is as good as it gets. The greying twitching ex-hunk is no longer able to party till 2 and bounce into the office at 7 unless he has been catapulted into his work station.

Questioning their music and in particular rappers with names like Lil Drake, 25 cents and the Usher will be the equivalent of you dancing in public in their presence.

So to those fellow parents of teenagers, we love them, we feed them and we guide them. we can do no more.

PS in terms of shopping for clothing for these little angels, I have discovered that a fistful of cash will save you fortune in return trips exchanging items you so lovingly chose. Do not be offended, simply accept that your taste in fashion died as your eyesite deteriorated.

Nite All

Shooting for Life

I have an incredible desire to shoot people.

My favourite is to sneak up on them and then shoot them before they even know what has hit them. In my ideal world, I would be hidden, watch them as they went about their daily tasks, the manner in which they interact with someone or something, focus and then do it.

When I am unaware that I am being watched, I act differently as I am sure we all do. My posture is a little more relaxed, my firm masculine rippling biceps are less noticable and my hair a slightly rustled and unkept look about it. Photography has the ability to capture in a single frame a thought or emotion the naked eye might not notice. I have seen photos that have made me smile, others that make my heart burst with pride (a photo shoot of my girls and I) and then those that make me cry. The photo I have included of the man to the right is my Dad. It says so little and yet it tells an entire tale and it is one I tried to ignore for so long.

When my Dad was first diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, I noticed the minor changes and simply accepted them. The change came when it started to affect him physically and in particular his brain and memory, I entered a state of denial and felt an incredible battle inside me. I refused to accept that this was happening to him and as such I missed out emotionally on a journey I now regret.
My divorce was one of the biggest emotional blessings I could ever have received as it forced me to face my emotions and express these foolishly flippant farcical feelings. I embraced pain, discovered a side to me I had forgotten about and learnt to connect with my girls on a level I had never known. I also realised that my Dad now, ill as he is and possibly with very little if any recollection of me, was all of and even more of the Dad I had ever dreamt him to be.

When I last visited my parents in September 2011, I had the privilege of watching and chatting with this man. Even though the conversations were stuttered and not always complete, I enjoyed them. I had the pleasure of seeing him through the lens of a camera and capturing moments I will forever carry with me. I also witnessed again my Mothers amazing love for her husband as she cared for him well beyond all human expectations. Her never ending care and constant compassion for the man she still loves so dearly after 47 years of marriage has kept him alive and active. I can never explain the pride and love I have for this incredible woman.

And so I continue to shoot people, special people and in a sense attempt to captivate that glimmer of magic in a world where hope is alive, where love definitely flourishes and the human spirit will not die.

Nite All

Demon Days

It happens, life is a menagerie of intertwined emotions and circumstances that invade your secure world like patrol of stubborn ants.

The days that smell like coffee shop filled with pastries are as adorable as a first kiss, sweet, exciting and leave you breathless and smiling shyly.
The days that resemble eating corn flakes out of the gutter are as charming as realising you do not have enough cash for petrol and buying milk for your daughters.

I am on a hill, this year has a solid grip on me and is weighing me down and sucking life out of me faster than a teenager texting their friends. The new year beckons, but its challenges are daunting enough without the added burden of last year on my back.

Add to this a life and health decision that requires no beer, exercise and a reduction in coffee and it is a bitter pill to swallow.
My chemical requirements have not lessened, I feel that if they ever reacted with the invisible radiation from my phone, I would become my own "glow in the dark" theme park.

My situation is not unique, a single middle aged parent trying to survive and provide as best he can for his teenage kids in a world running on speed and adrenaline. I am unable to maintain this pace.
So as I face these demons and feel them attempt to suck the life essence from me, I have 2 choices. One, succumb and slowly die a little more each day or two, survive on day at a time and smile between the attacks.


I feel like a wrestler who has been in the game 5 years too long and can't afford to retire.

Phrases like "hang in there" and "you can do this" with the added "many have endured and overcome" do not help me now.
A wise women once said, "you have survived worse and flippen hell Ted don't quit now". Quitting would be easy and I have never taken the easy route in my life so why start now.

The face in the mirror is weary and the eyes a little hollow and the shoulders a little drooped with battle fatigue.  Surrender is not not option but battle weariness has worn my armour a little thin.

This will be last post for 2011, so until next year many blessings and love.

Nite Nite

A New Beginning

A remark made by a very good friend (One that I had a massive crush on in High School hehe) and confirmed by others for a while made me realise that a new hat had to be worn by me.
It can become "comfortable" to live glancing over ones shoulder expecting the demons and ghosts of Memories Past to pop up and attempt to dominate and affect your future.

An example would be Christmas. Christmas to me became a tradition of family and friends, a large home-cooked meal and laughter followed by a doze (also known as a meditative relapse) on a couch and then a cleaning up operation of note. It was a time where no cost was spared and credit cards, cash and accounts were pillaged and plundered the way a puppy would devour your favourite slipper. There were traditions that included the erection of the tree, dusty boxes weighing more than Aunt Eva's bottom brought  down and unveiled. Not Aunt Eva's bottom but the boxes Mark.
Lights, millions of wooden characters and scratching my dogs head as she watched all of this with the excitement of observing a snail waiting for its Garmin to acquire satellites.
It was a lovely Hallmark moment and I loved it.

This will be my third Christmas since the divorce and my girls and I are still attempting to find our groove, there is no tree, there is no dog and Aunt Eva and her bottom and bosom are long forgotten. I am peace with the new Ted and we are getting along pretty damn well when he isnt trying to go cold turkey and bulldoze his way through time and space.

So it is with a smile that salute and thank Dr Ted's Divorce Adventure and welcome Dr Ted's Life Adventure.

Lights, camera, action and please no white speedos, after all parental guidance is advised for sensitive stomachs.

Bless you all for your comments, thoughts and encouragement. All are appreciated and accepted with an open mind.

Nite All

Depression Logic

I have not written because I believed I was stronger than I am.

My error was a simple one and not one taken on a logical train of thought. Like a river that starts in a high snowcapped mountain, it seemed well adjusted and containable at first. Then someone brought out the sun and the floodgates opened.

Hi, my name is Ted and I need anti-depressants.
I have taken a long time to accept this as a medical condition and not a sign of weakness.

I stopped and decided "cold turkey" was the best way to go. I didn't expect the headaches, nor the irritation and sudden mood swings which came about when tired. I am exhausted, battling to get up in the morning and smiling has become really hard. The withdrawals can apparently be for as long as 2 to 6 months.


Responses to my actions included "You did what", "what the hell were you thinking" and "now that was clever".

My plea is a simple one, do not treat depression lightly. Do not see it as a weakness, but rather in line with high blood pressure or high cholestrol. It cannot be ignored. See a medical practioner and don't be as foolish as I have been.

Nite All.

Karma Says . . .

Dear Ted,

Thank you for your letter and enquiries, I thought it better to respond as such and not in person. For reasons unknown to me, my presence seems to alarm folk.

1. There is no priority and my email system does not have a junk folder, but rather files the cases in order of Karma Retribution and Justice.
I do however hand pick 9 special cases a day for my pleasure and amusement.
2. There is no expiry date to the cases, however sometimes I leave it and see if the parties show any remorse. A 20 year wait is not unfamiliar at all. If no remorse is shown, I have been known to allow their children to provide more that adequate grey hairs for them. Patience is my middle name.

3. Repeat offenders or as I prefer to call them Repeaters, they are the special folk who are oblivious of the trails they leave behind them as they bulldoze through and over live. They bruise and hurt others along the way and the higher they seem to climb, the less the rules seem to apply to them. They are not as untouchable as they seem and when I let them believe they are immune to me, I often hurt them where it hurts the most, their loved ones.

4. Immunity is possible in all cases, but seldom occurs for the simple reason that humans are stubborn, selfish and stupid. They want to wash away the past and ignore their actions without any humility or forgiveness. Life simply doesn't work that way.

5. The Lotto is a brilliant idea and one I will certainly consider. Thank you.

Unfortunately Santa and I had words, he insists on a no-underwear policy and Mrs Claus has complained to me on numerous occasions of the problems she has in trying to save his trousers. He is indeed a smelly old man.

Remember Ted that there are no rules in my world and I strongly believe in the old remedy of an eye for an eye. Some call me cold hearted and others a bitch, I simply give what is due.

Regards
Karma

Coldplay Afterparty

It started off as it normally does, innocently attending a concert with Parlatones and then Coldplay.
That was fine, then there was the off the cuff remark of popping into a club for a drink or two.

My first alert should have been the 50+ year old man on his haunches outside the entrance with his hands tied behind his back. He was apprehended in the act of peddling drugs inside the club.

Second alert was the steroid filled gentleman dressed in black who could only grunt and gave me a body search that made me feel a cigarette was required to complete the experience. I was made to empty my pockets and my wallet was fondled, emptied and I am sure if I had a condom in it, it would been used on me that very instant.

The beer was cold, however everything you touched or leant against or stepped on was sticky. The bar lady proceeded to whack the bottom of her associate barman with such vigour that I expected his four good teeth to deposit themselves on the barcounter.

Next alert was the average age of those in the club was from 15 to 40 and the 15 year old girls were extremely at ease with their short skirts, painted faces, cigarettes and beverages. I found myself wondering if they were brought here by their parents and groomed to the point where this was now their playground. It also seemeds as if the dress code of shorts and slip slops were perfectly acceptable.

The final alert that sent cold shivers through me and gripped my heart harder than a pitbull clinging onto a cat was when the barlady winked at me and laughed as if she had just found dessert.

I returned to my table only to observe the one male at the table next to me pretend to urinate into his beer, hereby informing his girlfriend he needed to visit the mensroom. She smiled in acknowledgement.


Enough said?

Let me add that it was indeed an eye opener and yet a once in a lifetime experience. having a good mate along to share it worth? Priceless!

Thanks Stephen.

Nite all.