Miles of Smiles Part Three

Christmas & Beyond

I used to love Christmas, the music, tree and all its decorations, cooking for lots of people and presents and most importantly, the Christmas Service at our local Church. The second last time we attended the Service, I went dressed in my Father Christmas outfit and the looks I got from the little kids present (and some of the parents) were worth every bucket of sweat I shed in that hour.
Since the divorce, I haven't been back to a Christmas Service, perhaps next year I will pluck up the courage.

So we were ready, off to bed early, trifle made, meat ready to go into the oven, presents wrapped and Dad sleeping. The previous three year Brian,Dee and their family had opened their homes to us and we had embraced this as place of safety to survive the day, this year we wanted it to be different.
We awoke, showered, wished each other Merry Christmas and my Mom and I got my Dad out of his bed, onto the wheelchair and then into his lazyboy chair, Mom does 90% of it and I simply assist because I want to be there, its more important than life itself that I do something.
Presents on the coffee table, Simon the official distributor and me with my Canon shooting the whole event. 
Lunch was amazing, my Mom feeding my Dad and the girls and I unable to move as we felt so full we   were not able to lie on our bellies for fear that our heads would not reach the pillows.
It was our third Christmas together and finally the spirit was back again.

The next day was shell hunting, (a task so dangerous that I was forced to reveal my torso to ward off the predators), a swim in the sea and supper with Brad and Vicky. This trip had also allowed us to meet old friends, some for the first time. In an age of electronic friendships, international friendships are possible and on this trip I was determined to meet as many of my friends I had never seen face to face, Brad and Vicky are not one of those, they have a house that oozes love, food, fellowship and  amazing wine. It was a home to all who entered it and no-one left empty handed. 

In life there are moments where you can just feel blessed and cared for, this holiday was reaching a stage where old wounds that were sealed were being healed, it was a spiritual experience where all we encountered was love and beauty and I felt like breathing again.

Miles of Smiles Part Two

Beach & Shopping

Rested and fed and fed again, the girls and I headed to the beach and our first of many encounters with the surf clothing shops, Country Feeling, Billabong to name a few. 

They shopped, and shopped, then shopped a little more and when I was proudly holing up a white speedo for all to see they simply shook their heads in disbelief and shopped a little more. No, I was not permitted to try on the white speedo and sing YMCA for the fellow shoppers, I was sent to purchase water. 

R12 for a bottle of 500ml water, I asked the shop attendant if that included the vaseline to make the whole episode less painful, the blank stare I received told me all I needed to know. I returned to my girls and ignored the security whose frail attempts to inform me that refreshments were not allowed in the shop, imagine I slipped and spilt some bottled water on a bikini or a towel, heck they would have to throw it out.

And so the shopping ended with a drunk stumbling barefooted local showing me how to reverse and then patiently waiting for payment for his expertise, we arrived at the beach. I removed my shirt and slops, flexed and relaxed my wobbly bits and with my camera round my neck followed Simon and Nicole to the waters edge. I was finally on holiday, I clicked and focussed and shot everything in sight, spoke to bikini clad ladies and then photographed them, the girls were on a venture to collect shells so I photographed them as well.

The sea air, the laughter, the little kid who splashed me and whose head I was now holding under the water, it was just what I needed. 

We arrived back at my parents house and raided the fridge which was bursting as usual, went to check on my Dad and he looked much better than the previous day, the cooler weather was definitely helping. Mom and I discussed Christmas lunch which would included 3 different meats and enough food to feed  a troop of JW's if they came a-knocking.

My Mom is so in control and bubbly that you would never guess that she is a pensioner/wife/nurse/cook/Mom to 4 and Granny to 3. She wakes up with a smile and just gets through the day taking all life deals her. She deals with her sorrow and hardships with a strong faith and never say die attitude. 

A final trip to the shops for some last minute Christmas shopping for the girls and some more photo shooting for me and we were ready for a family Christmas. This was what the girls and I had been talking about and planning for more than 6 months, Christmas at my folks with Granny's cooking. Simon had made her now famous trifle and we fell asleep with smiles on our faces.

It was hard to believe that this was the same shattered, bruised and broken family of three that had to face Christmas three years ago, raw from divorce. Time, hard work, love and faith can indeed work miracles.

The Santa Session

And so it came to be that Christmas was approaching, ACDC Christmas Rock & Roll was blasting through the Shopping Centre and the GRUMPS (Grey Rude Unhappy Miserable Parent'S) were muttering under their breath about how expensive things were. They also detested the ACDC music, afterall, the stores had been playing BoneyM and Panflute Christmas Tidings for the past 25 years, why change now! Hrmphff!

I queued for Santa with all the kids and hence drew strange looks from the parents, a little girl no older than 5 was in front of me and after staring at me for a full five minutes looked me in the eye and asked, "Where is your child"? I explained that they no longer believed in Santa and I was in the queue because I needed something from Santa. At this point her mother noticed we were chatting and moved her daughter away from me, I was given the same look Macaulay Culkin's parents first eyed Michael Jackson before vast amounts of money exchanged hands.
But did this stop the little girl, oh no. She stuck out her little hand and said, "Hello, I am Katy", I shook her hand and told her my name was Ted. Then I gave her a sweet, a sweet laden with LSD and she was hooked and died after selling her organ for drugs!!! The End!!

Well, not really. She asked why I wanted to see Santa, I told her that I needed to know what to do for Christmas, who needed a present and what did he think I should give them. She frowned a little and then looked at me and said, "A Teddy Bear or a Puppy cos no matter how scared or lonely you get, both would be there till you felt better". I thanked her and left.

You see my friends, jewellery and pretty things, even electronics age and become dated, a puppy will love you, always be happy to see you and grow with you. However, if you are unable to keep a dog, a Teddy will always be there for you no matter what. I am getting myself a Teddy for Christmas, it is my gift from Santa. Yes it is a 10 x 8cm tattoo of a battered bruised Teddy and it reminds me that despite all the trials we face, someone somewhere still needs and depends on us. Christmas is not about you, its about special family, friends and loved ones, so your obligation is to arrive and see who might need that hug or french kiss.

Nite All

It Approaches

It's a wonderful time of the year, well almost. School kids are already finished with school and the first "I am sooo bored" has already made its appearance. For parents, most of us are counting the days down until we are on holiday.

I have enjoyed Lesotho immensely and yet I welcome a break from it now, I need a shower everyday, I need water that I can drink and a break from fried mess hall food. Oh and the flies, the African Budgie, a beast so lazy and disgusting it pales in comparison to computer generated exes. They seem to send in wave upon wave of flying raisins and rest on all that is sacred and edible, definitely more irritating than a 2 year old throwing a tantrum in a shopping centre whilst Mommy dearest tries to reason with it. I use the term "it" because if it was any other species, the mother would do the honorable deed and eat the little beast in full public view of any other potential brats.

A month away from my girls is never easy and when I am weakened by a stomach bug, it makes the whole process a little harder. My body aches more than a 55 year old mans whose 29 year old girlfriend has lured him to yoga lesson because it will help him to reach that spiritual place when they are making love. I cant wait to hit the road with my girls, road-trip  music, adventure and visiting family, this memory creator will be documented by way of blogs and photos, blank spaces filled in by fresh fruit, ice-cream and beer and as many hugs as a man could bear.
It will also be a time for me to spend with my Mom and discuss the way ahead for my Dad, a conversation I don't relish but one that must be dealt with.

It is also a time of the year where Simon, Nicole and I have been on the receiving end of friends kindness and I am indeed overwhelmed that this generosity has been bestowed upon us, I find it difficult to respond except say thank you.

This to me is the true spirit of these approaching holidays, sharing and laughing with loved ones. It is a time for friends and family to reflect on the past year and forget about the hard-times and just revel in that moment of happiness.

Nite All

Valentines Day

No I am not going mad, it is less than 3 months to Valentines Day and in most cases for lovers young and old this far overrides the Christmas Madness.

I never used to consider the Xmas Factor as an acceptable form of referring to Christmas, but recently I have seen another side to Christmas. For family and friends and lovers is a time to celebrate, spend time together, to share, laugh and create memories to be remembered forever. It is a commercially driven holiday sold with a side dish of Christianity, the red santa figure was created by Coca-Cola and all non-Christians hop on the ride for a free holiday.

Does this worry me? Nope
Why? Because it is a time for me to spend with my girls, reflect on a year passed and hope that I might one day spend it with someone who I love and she in turn loves me.
So am I an athiest or non-Christian?
Again no, my faith is very personal and important to me, Easter is of much more importance to me than Christmas, so I just call it as it is and celebrate it for what it is. Less guilt.
Speaking of guilt, why is it that we rely so heavily on guilt to raise kids, seek attention, enforce religion? Strange isnt it?

But back to Valentines Day, mmmmm a real commercial success story like Xmas and Easter. Bunnies, chocolates, flowers, cards and gifts, billions spent and it supports millions of industries.
Valentines day is a happy day for most, its a day where for a week there is a buzz about as lovers scramble to find something special for their partners, my girls both teenagers have a blast and I share in their excitement as much as I can. If I am not in a relationship, hell I simply buy myself a gift and have a beer or a great glass of red wine.

So as the tunes of BoneyM and panflutes lure you to the shops, enjoy, smile and forget about that perfect figure for a while.

Happy Whatever Day my Friends

Nite All

December Beckons

I started writing this blog under a heading entitled "Lovers" and then I basically ran out of words of the positive nature.
Why?
Well I contemplated that as we approached Christmas, it was the time that more suicides are committed than any other time of the year, so I have decided to entitle it "Surviving Christmas".

My first 2 Christmas's after my divorce were absolute hell and I longed for the day to end and for folk to leave me alone, I could see through their smiles as their eyes told me that they felt sorry for me. It was a time where was it not for my beautiful Simon and Nicole, I would have fled and just kept running.
However, friends embraced us, they welcomed us into their homes and they acted normally and didnt make a fuss over us, they allowed us to hide, blend into the shadows and withdraw when it became too much.
My 3rd Christmas was much better and I was able to interact and my girls and I smiled and joined in, we had found our niche and our reduction from 4 to 3 was now stronger than ever, bless you Brian, Dee, Zane and Trav.

Financially the past three years have been all about survival and in most cases we were not even able to give gifts, this for me was a humbling experience as I battled to receive and not return the favour. On reflection it was a time where I truly learnt more in that period of my life about grace, love, compassion and God working through people as they blessed us with gifts, love and even food.Our first Christmas together was 2 weeks after the divorce and I was so broke that homeless folk slept better than I, I had no home a Fiat Uno with all my worldly possessions in it and we were housesitting a friend of a friends home. A friend took me off to Pick and Pay and bought us groceries for the holidays so that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding my girls. I will never forget that.

So this year, my wish for you and me is the same, find some friends, family or loved ones. If you have none of these then make an extra plate or two of food and drop them off with folk who would appreciate them, any old age home will have forgotten folk who will welcome sharing a cup of tea with you.

I plan to visit my folks, my Dad with advanced Parkinsons no longer remembers me and it pains me to see him in this state, but the memories are so alive and filled with love that it will be great to see him. My Mom is the rock that has and still does keep us as a family together and I have so much love and respect for her.

Dont leave it till the last minute, start your planning now and make it a Christmas to remember.


Nite All

Santa's Special Delivery

So I had a dream, I was showering in a mysterious house I didn't know and there was a party downstairs.
Now I can imagine your first thought might be, 'Why are the heck are you showering if there's a party downstairs'? Well that part of the dream eludes me!
I can imagine I was somehow not in a state suitable for mingling. Perhaps I had been refereeing a mud wresting contest OR cooking and preparing grilled king prawns OR assisting in the delicate task of coating chocolate bunnies for Hugh Heffners Christmas Bash!

So I was showering and stepped out to dry myself when horror upon horror, I heard the ever nearing steps of stilettos approaching the bathroom. I did what any man in my position would do, I wrapped a towel around my head and closed my eyes. (in hindsight I should perhaps have covered my body as well)

So I was hiding with my back to the door when I heard it open.
Note to Self! When hiding in plain sight for all to see, hiding your head in a towel does not make you invisible!!!!

The door opened, I waited for the scream, but instead I heard the door close and those high heels approach me. I tensed and felt arms gently draw me near and the most beautiful husky voice whisper in my ear, "Look what Santa delivered for me"

Merry Christmas to each of you
For reading my tales the whole year through
Happy or sad or a little off key
They tell the adventures of little old me
May your day be filled with Christmas Cheer
I will toast you all with an ice cold beer

Nite all

My Teenage Treasures

I have 2 teenage daughters that are the reason I breathe, they are the smile on my face and the bounce in my belly when I dance.

When I look back on the past 2 and a half years of my life and the trauma and adjustments that were made and endured, I am amazed how "normal" they are.
Both have battled initially at school but did well at the end of this year, both have had and do have relationships and I have only threatened to kill one individual of the male species.
Both initially shared a bedroom with me and then a tiny bachelors flat and never complained.
They accepted the fact that they was no money and when I was unable to be a Dad, they cared for me.

The result of this experience is that I have 2 fighters who although polite and well mannered, speak their minds and are blossoming into amazing woman.

We have created our own new rituals and routines and now operate as a unite of 3. This includes sharing one bathroom and I have done a combination of a raindance, exotic tapdancing and howling and begging when their 10 minute bath somehow exceeds 30 minutes.

I praise God that I am where I am and upon reflection I have no idea how I survived on a single salary. My budget doesn't allow for fruit and bran but somehow accommodates chocolate cereal, beer and cheese.

So as this year draws to an end for Simon, Nicole and I, we would like to wish you a very Merry Christmas filled with love, laughter and lunacy. May your hearts with love and your homes blessed with visitors.

To my amazing family (especially my Mom) and fantastic friends, an Oprah sized extravaganza of a hug to you.

Nite all

Pictures courtesy of iCandyphotography

Christmas for Singles

Does it seem that the Christmas period is one of the more difficult times when you are single?
By single I mean divorced, widowed or without a partner.

It is definitely a time for couples and family and somehow the singles get left aside.

I don't think it gets done on purpose, it just seems easier to entertain couples and not have lose ends hanging about. I battle to impose myself on friends and seem to withdraw even more in the safety of my cocoon of safety. It is also a time for family and if you are not able to be close to family, I fully understand what you are experiencing. So automatically I dread this time of year and find myself tensing even as I write about it.


I am tired of watching Series and have seen all the latest rentable movies, Facebook does not intrigue me and words like bored seem to appear.

I apologise for not being funny or uptempo, I shall leave you be. Perhaps tomorrow I will embrace all and do my impression of the Riverdance down the corridor.

Nite all

A Year without Beer?

Since we last crossed paths, it seems as if a lifetime has passed and I suppose it has been a mixture of mother-in-law and ex-partner or to put it into simpler terms sweet and bitter, you may decide which is which.

Christmas eve was delightful as Simon and I spent time with Stephen and Marilyn (brother-in-law and very pregnant sister) and it was a case of too much food, a little too much chocolate caramel cake and a drive back home which took about 40 minutes. Then Simon and I had to find a store open at 19H00 on Christmas Eve to buy five different packets of jelly for her to make the chocolate trifle. We ended up in a store on the wrong side of the good and spent time counting the number of people who actually had shoes on.

We went home and before we made the jelly, Simon opened her presents and she jumped, bounced, clapped her hands and squealed.
Christmas Day and we decided to go to our old church, I was greeted by one of the Pastors at the door with a smile and "Oh Christmas and Easter!" Needless to say I suddenly remembered why we weren't going there anymore.

Making a trifle for 25 was fun and I mean messy all hands in and laughing and cream on the face fun. It was huge and heavy and a work of art, doves wept and angels mouths watered.
Add a frantic call to Candy about the recipe for the biscuit base and we were on the way to a peppermint crisp tart, then off we went and lunch awaited us. King prawns marinaded overnight and fried in garlic butter, WOW!
The four 4 boys made a sizable dent in the trifle and by 5 it was time to return Simon to her Mom. Heather and Nicole greeted me at the gate and I got my Christmas hug from Nicole.

The next few days were a blur of meals with friends and swimming and getting burnt and trying to put in the back of my mind that my girls were away for 2 weeks. The Lips, Wrights and McNamara's, Leff's and Eric and Debs, you guys made this one so much easier to deal with than last year. Simon and I agreed that CandyOnline was such an intricate part of my support and recovery program that statues needed to be erected.

And as for 2011, well reduced beer intake has been suggested and the withdrawals have been alarming and images of bunnies and halflings and singing beer bottles followed by a chorus of spicy chicken wings and pork chops have made me rethink this disturbing request.

I hope for more talks with my girls, more hugs and deeper respect of each others opinions. I hope for female friendship and if at all possible a kiss, a simple request perhaps, but something I need to reaffirm that somehow I am still "marketable". Time will tell I suppose.

For now my wish for you is that you may find joy where you least expect it, love that brings you laughter and memories, health to awake each morning and walk and smell the worlds scents and finally that dreams will not be forgotten or cast aside.

Nite all.

I Hate

Things I hate, I wish I could be more level headed about this, but here goes.

I don't mind being a single 45 year old male trying to reconstruct his life from the bottom up, I don't mind that I no longer have my big house, large garden and my beautiful faithful dog Lucy waiting for me when I get home. I can get over having the most amazing neighbours and having a few beers at the wall and the meals together. I can even get over the fact that not everything was 100% in my marriage.

But what I hate is divorce and the destruction, pain, chaos and continued cancer it leaves in its wake. It has the same effect as performing brain surgery with a chainsaw. It rips and tears and all who are close are splattered with the consequences and share in the shambles.

I hate that it affects my girls, my reason for existence and my pride and joy. It has caused me much sorrow and constant questioning and patience from friends as I attempt somehow to understand and unravel this mess.

I hate that my one daughter has decided not to spend Christmas day with me. I accept that it is a testing of wills and the circumstances need not be disclosed, but it breaks a 12 year tradition and leaves an empty seat in me..

I hate that there is a very good chance that this will affect my girls relationships with men in the future.
I pray that somehow they will look at the chaos and make sense of it all and be able to avoid the errors and confusion they have watched unfold before them.

Now I am weary, Nite all.

Madness with Coffee and Muffin

I am watching Simon my eldest daughter wrap presents as we listen to Nirvana and I sip generously on an iced cold beer.

We did shopping hard core this morning and are now in a state of relaxation knowing that 90% of the shopping is done and dusted.

Nicole decided not to spend the night and day with us due to circumstances not needed to be disclosed, tears were shed and emotions were raw, such is the situation when it comes to divorce and kids.

So coffee and breakfast was held before the attack on the various outlets were declared, my giant sized choc-chip muffin fresh from the oven eaten with melting butter and grated cheese and downed with a mega cuppachino. It was the breakfast of kings and my smiling eyes teased the other shoppers are they hurried past unsmiling and harassed at 9 in the morning, a little sad I thought.

It makes me think that the rat race has deprived us of the simple joys in life like a cup of coffee with a friend, singing to a complete stranger, she laughed and Simon shook her head and saying Merry Christmas to the shop assistants, never forgetting that most of them are tired and perhaps a little irritable as well.

Quote of the day, "He's crying because the service is so bloody slow" from a slightly irate Mom of a 2 year old boy.

My thought for the day, well loved spending time with Simon, but would have liked Nicole to have been with us.

All I Want for Christmas is . . . .

All I want for Christmas is . . . . .

What the heck do I want! I have been divorced for just over a year and have slowly carved a new life for myself.

I have a home, more than adequately kitted out. I have food, enough to throw a meal together in a jiffy should a bus load of cheerleaders come knocking on my door begging for comfort from the harsh African sun.
My net curtaining finally reaches the floor as prescribed and insisted upon by the owner of the complex, the extensions were hand cut, measured with 3 good eyes and stapled to the too short upper section. Not sophisticated perhaps, but it serves a purpose and gives me a slight moral victory!
I have coffee enough to resist the forces of tea loving visitors for a few months and spare milk hidden in case the cereal eating bunnies use all my fridge can hold.
Red wine sorted.
White wine? Not necessary.
I cannot wish for world peace or to feed the starving children in Africa as this is reserved and patented by the Miss USA Association.
A cure for aids would involve the abstention of humans in the act of sex and we honestly have a better chance of Justin Bieber getting his voice back or Yoko Ono refraining from singing.

Toys I have enough of, books I have plenty that beg me to open their covers and delve into the secrets that lie within.
Love? I have the love of my girls, family and amazing friends and that will suffice me for now.

My present accommodation does not permit me to have a pet but a friend shares 2 bull terriers and allows me access time. This is more precious to me than money and makes me smile and sad at the same time. It is a true blessing.

So what is left?
What else do I require?
I know what I lust for but they are worldly things and they come and go like. Granddad's flatulence.

I wish for a day of hugs, a day where smiling eyes and laughter carry me through the day and help me forget about life for a while.

That's what I want

Good Nite.

Christmas in Cuba

I want to go to Cuba.
Not the new Americanised Cuba of old, but the one Hemingway fell in love with.

Stunning colours and old American cars, small dark bars that smell of rich Cuban tobacco. Friendly faces and the sounds of children playing in the streets.

Beautiful tanned ladies with swinging hips and smiling eyes whose voices mesmerize you and take you far away. Makes you forget about your worries for a while and life seems nice.

So we have Cuban cigars, rum, beautiful people, music that moves you and food man oh man food cooked by a large hairy woman who grunts and mumbles to herself but cooks like an angel.

Sounds like a damn fine Christmas if you ask me, but something is missing, the one vital ingredient.

Family.

Family includes special friends.
If you have no-one to share it all with you may as well not celebrate it at all. Life is about sharing, be it love, sorrow, pain or joy.

Add all of the above together and you have memories. That's the best gift anyone could wish for this Christmas.

Good nite

Christmas vs the 'D' Factor

There is one thing we all fear more than breaking down in the middle of a desert on a full moon evening and having Aunt Judy lecturing you from the back seat about how cars never broke down in the old days, how she was going to die alone and wild beasts will devour her. You refrain from telling her that not even the hungriest coyote would eat her sinewy old carcass and the amount of reserve methane she transported in her intestine would make Little Boy (the atomic bomb) look like a Christmas cracker.

The one thing we fear is debt.

Personal Debt has the ability to bring us all to our knees, break relationships, cause a wide array of illnesses including high blood pressure, stress and sleep depravation to mention a few. It gets worse because our society encourages debt and the moment you lose control it spirals so quickly that before you know it all you have worked for, slaved for is at risk of being taken from you.

Do you remember that first clothing account, the ultimate joy of your first purchase, the excitement and sense of power as you walked out the store, buyers high and man o man you were untouchable, in a good way not like the mucus glazed kid at the doctors room that is blowing snot bubbles through its nostril as it sleeps on its moms lap. Nope you were James Bond, Spiderman, Invisible Girl and Mr Bean all wrapped in one, you were untouchable.

Then you applied and received your first credit card, shiny, new and begging to be used. You bought a few things and then splurged and bought a big item, you were a little nervous and had doubts, but you did it. Then it was too late. You used your second credit card to subsidise your first. Visa vs MasterCard and nobody won yet the chaos continued.

My life is filled with bad decisions made with good intentions and wishes and dreams that somehow faded under the burden of debt.

I trust you will heed this warning and somehow realise that things mean nothing and love and family and friends carry so much more meaning.

Good nite

Driving with Chopsticks

Yes it is exactly what you think it is.
By my definition of the law, talking on a cellphone whilst driving is not permitted, however it says nothing about eating Chinese with chopsticks whist driving.

It was interesting and yes I was hungry and wanted to get to my destination so stopping was not an option. It does make turning sharply a little more difficult, but it can now be ticked off my list of things I never thought I had to do yet did.

I do realise that I am no movie star or famous model, perhaps mirrors do not weep when I step away or sob uncontrollably for me to return, but I am beginning to like who I am.
I am foremost a father, a man who takes parenting seriously and wants it to work. I mess up, I get angry, annoyed, impatient and do not feel very pleased with myself when I do.
I want to give my girls everything and with Christmas looming as close as a Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes, it is very hard for me to look at my potential budget vs potential gift list.

I want to spoil them and see their smiles when they open their gifts and somehow hope they won't be disappointed.

So what is a Dad to do, well like most folk, we do what we can, give what we can and love them and cherish them while we can. I have to lower my expectations and be more realistic when the entire worlds marketing campaign tells me to give more, do more and be more.

At least I drove with chopsticks today and suprised my girls by coming home a little earlier.

Good nite all

The Christmas Looms

There are Christmas decorations and chocolate Lindt Father Christmas men lined up like toy soldiers. I love Christmas, well I used to before the divorce. The music, the family time, the excitement, the greeting of friends, Christmas cards and whipping out the decorations and watching the girls setting up the tree with millions of lights and tinsel and little creatures.

The morning Christmas service, hugs and smiles from strangers and the prospect of too much awesome food followed by pudding that would kill the healthiest elf alive.

Everyone seems happier, people are more chatty. But that was before divorce.

Now there are books and courses that give us coping tools to survive Christmas. I didn't understand this, yet even last year when I had my girls with me it was different. Now there were 3, something was missing and it seemed that it had taken a huge part of the joy with me.

Friends rallied round us and we joined in the festivities, yet my girls and I found ourselves lying in a spare room after lunch. It was all too much. Nothing was said and yet we were all thinking exactly the same thing, what had happened.

Life has a way of dealing us a deck of cards, it would be easy to blame the dealer and somehow pass the proverbial buck. It would be easy to blame the other party and simply give in to all the pain and surrender life and simply give up.

Please do not misunderstand me, I am crying as i write this because the pain and the memories are still so real and the wounds so raw, but I held the cards and I played the game. There are consequences for our actions, but there is also second chances. Rebuilding and preparations are slowly being put into place, I say slowly because I have tried everything to speed it up to no avail. God works in His own time and we cannot dictate, rush, bribe or use any emotional persuasion to somehow influence His decision if we truly want peace, real peace. I don't have that yet.

This Christmas i will see my girls briefly, it will be difficult and I am not sure what coping mechanisms will be required to carry me through it. I have amazing friends that will rally round, but I still have to face the changes, the new rules, the absences and pain on my own.

If I remember correctly, the last Christmas Service we attended as a whole family was the one I wore a Father Christmas Suit to church, it caused many smiles and much interest from the smaller members of the congregation.

This year will be different, my tears are bringing the necessary healing and my heart is heavy. I am also tired and emotionally drained.

Life has a way of continuing whether we are on the ride or not, I am hanging on and when I feel I am slipping, invisible hands carry me.

I hope you will have someone to love, hold, spoil and care for you on this special day. If not, please mail me and I will respond to you on Christmas Day.

Good Night