I Love Women

Why do I love women?

I have 2 amazing daughters who are my pride and joy, they radiate youth, love and a passion for life and our new family unity. They hug me and embrace me in their lives with all the pleasures and pressures that teenage girls are exposed to and have to deal with. Their emotions needs to be expressed and vented and as a Dad I certainly dont have the answers, one thing I have learnt from my marriage is that most times, women just want someone to listen to them, embrace then and reassure them. Its tough and tempting not to reach for the baseball bat and administer some well needed common sense to those who hurt my angels, the strength needs to be in the arms of a Dad who embraces and not one who modifies faces.

I have a Mom who have been caring for my terminally ill Dad with advanced Parkinsons for years. She doesn't complain, resists any form of assistance and on a daily basis illustrates that love can conquer all, she gives and receives so little in return, she cares and prays and continues day in and day out, laughs when I speak to her makes me the proudest son there will ever be. How she does it I have no idea?

I have female friends, some married and some not. They have stood by me and advise, correct and even scold me when required, they have also praised me when I least expected it and pointed out where I have changed from the man whose marriage ended rather suddenly 5 years ago. They are family to me and I know I tire them and frustrate them, yet they stay. They are beautiful and strong passionate women who reflect beauty, strength, wisdom sometimes a stubborness I adore.

I have dated women since my divorce, wearily at first and then came to realise that most women are passionate creatures who should not be understood, but loved and spoilt. They are independent and sensual and need to converse with a man who is prepared to listen, you may glance at their sexy lumps, but sometimes a blush is required to acknowledge that you are a little shy and have a slightly higher emotional caliber than a cave man. To kiss a woman is one of life's true pleasures and seeing that slight glimmer of a smile as our lips part is a Kodak moment that is embedded in ones brain forever. I never grow tired of it.
I have contemplated long and hard on what the perfect gift is, flowers, perfume, bath salts, treats or jewellery. All have their place and time depending on the lady and as such each sends a certain message and requires a response. Lingerie delivered in a pizza box, a home cooked meal served with a glorious wine or a picnic followed with a walk holding hands all mean something different.

What do I "want" from a woman? The answer is nothing. I wish to share in their lives, their passions and roam into those areas of their minds with the assurance that I seek only to explore and delight in with their permission. I love their softness and passion as much as I admire their strength and ruthlessness.

To those that have graciously allowed me to get to know you better, thank you. You have touched me and reminded me what an honour it is to be a man, I am certainly no gentleman but have tried to be as much as I am able to.

Thank you and Nite all

Rock & Roll Grub

It s fun, its sensual and its as sinful as wearing a loincloth made of bacon to a temple ceremony and you weren't even on the guest list.
Its like meeting your new dates parents and hitting on her Mom, its the orgasmic response to the first bite of a meal so good you want to cry.

Rock and roll depicts a theology and lifestyle that is more than the image of wild orgies and drugs, no my friends it is so much more than that. It's just a step to the left, and a jump to the right, its rock and roll dreams come true, its a crazy little thing to call love. Dreams than can come true, a smile and slow dance so intense that if you were to kiss, a crowbar would be required to pry you apart, yes my rocking friend its all about passion and living for that moment.

Rock and roll food is the same, its the juicy cheese burger complete with a slice of tomato and lettuce on a soft seeded roll, a beef patty the thickness of your thumb and hot crispy fries. As you bite into it, hot juices run down your chin and drip onto your plate, the taste of grilled beef and melted cheese awaken a stirring in you and you close your eyes and just relish the moment. It is a meal that awakens memories and if shared with a loved one you cant help but flirt with them as you lick your fingers between bites. You stroke the juices on your plate with a chip and the crunch as you bite into it sounds like ice cracking, slightly salty, hot and tainted with pleasure. Its a ballad of love found, lost and never forgotten. Its a kiss in an alley, its sneaking under their t-shirt and their sharp intake of breath as you make contact with their skin.

The smell, the taste, the experience is what makes it the ultimate rock and roll meal. Its about falling in love all over again or getting over a crashed relationship. Accompany it with great music and you can face another day or tackle the impossible.

Nite All

Sad Days

Why must I leave?

I am surrounded by love and yet I must walk away and leave it behind for a month.

I dont understand this.

I had given up on love and as such had placed all relationships on hold and guess what happened, yup a lady appeared like the lady from the lake. She appraised me, digested and analysed what she had read and sat before her and decided that they added up. I was unaware that I was being "interviewed" as most guys are. Gentleman, the slightest detail, the manner in which you speak, greet her, listen and even say goodbye is checked and ticked. With most guys, the woman simply has to show up and giggle and we are sold initially.

My girls are blossoming and growing up so quickly and independantly that I am seeing them in the independance and enjoying the personalities, thought processes and the manner in which they assess and judge people and situations.

Essentially they are grown-ups with a need for daddy to be around and be a bouncing board for questions when required.

I can accept that.

As for my Lisa, she makes me feel as if I can love again. I am afraid to believe it is all true because it is so real. A hug, a kiss, holding hands and sharing food, wine and thoughts together. I had accepted that this would never be again and that I was not worthy of love from another. Now that I am faced with it, I want to linger on it, savor it and somehow bottle it and take it back to Lesotho with me. It cannot be expressed in words, there are are too many senses involved.

Gabi is a 6 year old bundle of love that cuddles and giggles and has wormed her way into my heart. Bless you angel.

And yet I must leave and it hurts and tears at my emotions.

I shall return but my ladies await and I must go.

Miss you

Nite All

An Episode of Loving

Good grief I am exhausted, physically, emotionally and the other ally whatever it is.

Singlehood is hard work, throw in a failed relationship, financial strain and work and you can feel your back buckling. It has been a hard time lately and my girls have been brilliant. They have been eating like homeless kids who have won the lottery and are so cute I can't seem to hug them enough. They are considerate and our time together is indeed what memories are made of. Both their birthdays are coming up soon and I look forward to that special day with them.

As to the failed relationship/dating/rendevous, well, it was sad because was a wonderful lady and we seemed to have so much in common. I figured it would have lasted longer, but I accept responsibility for maybe trying to encourage it when I should have let it run its course naturally. Adding jet fuel to a candle doesn't give you more light, just more of a flash and less facial hair.

I expect the tiredness is partly due to my brain being in overdrive and dealing with emotional helium balloons, you enjoy the party voice until the helium runs out. I am tired.

I feel like sleeping for 2 days and seeking my dream girl in my sleep and just soaking up her attention and love.

Meanwhile back in reality, pennies are few and life is expensive. I have managed to retain my rotund robust figure through sheer dedication and lack of exercise.

In response to the unasked question of what would I do for love, I have to answer that perhaps I am not ready, perhaps it is too soon or maybe that special lady is still out there.

Who knows? I certainly don't.

Nite all

Wow

It was a day that began with me waking up with butterflies in my stomach. I am more at ease facing 3 gangsters in a dark alley than meeting a lady one on one. 25 years ago was the last time I wooed a lady and I was scared I would mess it up.

Then I saw her in her jeans, boots and bright top and she was smiling, we sat and spoke and enjoyed lunch for 4 hours and it seemed to pass in 10 minutes.

We had coffee at her home and the next hours evaporated like a keg of beer at a 21st, I had to leave while I was still able to and have not stopped smiling since.

She is the cream in my coffee, my candle in the wind and lady in red, despite how corny it may sound it all seems applicable.

I had to restrain myself from even touching her hand and I was not sure if my heart could cope with that. Her eyes dance like flames in a camp fire and her words calm me and excite me in the same breath.

Somewhere the angels are smiling on me and for that I am grateful and blessed. To you who have journeyed with me in paths of brokeness and pain, a flame was lit in my heart today.

Nite all

What would you do?

There were two songs going through my head when I though about this blog. The first was Crosby Stills Nash and Young "If you can be with the one you love honey, love the one you're with" and the second was Bruce Springsteen "Human Touch".

Both indicate that its ok to have a non committal relationship for the sake of physical pleasure and that there aren't any consequences. Now believe me I love the sight of a beautiful woman as much as the next guy and have all the urges and desires any guy would have. It is by no means easy to consider a relationship when you have to question your motives and especially if you are hurting.
I love women, their mannerisms, chattiness and emotions, their gentle touch and passion in all aspects of their life. It is all intertwined and networked and somehow there is a reason less woman die of heart attacks than men.

So what would you do?
What would you do for love?
Would you walk away for love?
Would you consider swallowing your pride for love?
Would you change for love?

I decided early on in my divorce that I would do anything to "fix" all that needed to be fixed and thus enable me to move on with my life. What I could fix and I still battle with is time, I cannot fix that. The old phrase that time heals all is only true if you genuinely can forgive and avoid bitterness.
The past is like a melted chocolate. It is kinda lost its purpose yet it can either bring you joy and pleasure or make you angry because it is messy and not what you expected, the choice is yours. Maybe even a little like my belly.

There is a Meatloaf song I paraphrased " I would do anything for love, but I won't eat that", funny but reminds me of playing hide the pumpkin on my plate as a kid.

What does the future hold? Who knows! I need to continually work at who I am and accept more than I criticise, I can't give up and so I rise each morning sometimes wearily. By getting up I am in the game of life and unless you play you can't participate.

Nite All

Who do you Love?

I realised this evening that it is indeed a matchmaking jungle out there with both male and female in the same predicament. The scenario is the same as you will have the hunter, either male or female who is pursuing a certain prey for a specific reason and the victim who is basically at the mercy of the hunters.

Where you stand on issues such as beliefs, ethics and morals can be easily contradicted by emotions and peer pressure irrespective of age. Let me explain, after a long relationship it is very difficult to bounce into a fresh one as there are major trust and self confidence issues that need time to resolve themselves. Jumping straight in stunts the healing process to run its course and simply suppresses it until it forces its way to the surface like the body rejecting a splinter.

I don't know what the ideal situation is for me, but I do know the following;
1 I need to physical touch even if it is only a hug or the simple act of holding hands. This breaks the awkward tension that you encounter when you meet a suitable friend and want to move the friendship to a relationship phase.
2 I need to experience the joy of kissing again as it is the foundation of a young relationship and will tell each other so much about the partners personality. Are they patient, gentle, urgent, aggressive, passive or passionate?

The game is still the same, it is just the rules and risks have changed dramatically and if you rush in, you might be well out of your depth before you realise it.

I intend to love again, I plan to be happy again and I hope that this year will be the foundation that allows love once again to be a part of my life.

There are however extenuating circumstances in my case, I have to take into consideration my girls and how this will affect them. I have to be completely honest with my potential partner so as to prevent any confusion or pain.

Marriages are made in heaven, the catch is that we live in the real world and its really tough out there.

Nite all

I Hate

Things I hate, I wish I could be more level headed about this, but here goes.

I don't mind being a single 45 year old male trying to reconstruct his life from the bottom up, I don't mind that I no longer have my big house, large garden and my beautiful faithful dog Lucy waiting for me when I get home. I can get over having the most amazing neighbours and having a few beers at the wall and the meals together. I can even get over the fact that not everything was 100% in my marriage.

But what I hate is divorce and the destruction, pain, chaos and continued cancer it leaves in its wake. It has the same effect as performing brain surgery with a chainsaw. It rips and tears and all who are close are splattered with the consequences and share in the shambles.

I hate that it affects my girls, my reason for existence and my pride and joy. It has caused me much sorrow and constant questioning and patience from friends as I attempt somehow to understand and unravel this mess.

I hate that my one daughter has decided not to spend Christmas day with me. I accept that it is a testing of wills and the circumstances need not be disclosed, but it breaks a 12 year tradition and leaves an empty seat in me..

I hate that there is a very good chance that this will affect my girls relationships with men in the future.
I pray that somehow they will look at the chaos and make sense of it all and be able to avoid the errors and confusion they have watched unfold before them.

Now I am weary, Nite all.

The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating

Welcome to 'The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating for 2011'

All your queries, myths, unspoken truths will not be addressed, they won't be answered but there will be recommendations and words of wisdom tainted ever so slightly by a pale ale.

This not a how-to manual but more of a guide to managing and getting the most out your marriage by applying the 5 Foundation Philosophies. So without any further delays, let's get ready for play.

1. Listen.
Many a man has been heard to utter 'I can't hear without a beer' or his partner has sweetly stated 'Chat and tea, just you and me'. The truth is that we need to be receptive to each other and hear what each other has to say.

2. Touch
This is not the game also known as naked tag or Espionage 101 Booby Trap, but affirmation, assurance, hugs that just drain your worries away and make you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. The simple joy of holding hands and of eyes meeting and lips smiling.

3. Deeds
We do things for people and yet we often neglect those closest to us. My daughter loves it when I massage her head, she almost goes into a trance and enters a state where she would doze off if I didn't tickle her. Making someone a cup of tea or a filling the chocolate jar before they wake up and leave the lid off. Sitting through Karate Kid when you would rather have your prostrate checked the old 'hold your breath' way!
Do a Deed a Day.

4. Laugh
Learn to laugh more often and see the funny side of life. Don't become a fool as there are serious sides to life as well. I chose to joke about everything and as such my partner could not share a lot with me. That was my loss. Laugh together, love together and learn to cry together. That sort of sharing is essential. I have cried with my girls and it was so honest and so raw I could not explain it to you.

And finally

5. Live
What's the point of holding back when you only have one chance at this. Make pancakes naked, sing in a public area, buy a stranger a gift, help someone across the street even if it means you might be late for work. Imagine the clouds are magical shapes and be better than you want to be. Spend time playing with kids or dogs or something different, deliver cupcakes to random people and stop to smell the roses.

That's it.
That's all I have.
Dream your reality and live it.
Sadness is acceptable and smiles are forever.

Good Nite

Love?

Sometimes in life you see something special between two people, a look, a smile a touch, something that speaks to you and almost restores your hope in love, almost.

Does it become a duty, is it a relationship of convenience, are we simply afraid of the consequences or are we afraid of the stigma society might attach to us.

In the instant society we find ourselves trying to survive in, what happened to loyalty, honour, respect, what happened to happily ever after. What happened to promises and where did it all go wrong?

Does life strive to destroy that which we hold to be true and righteous? Or is it just all decided on the rolling of a dice. No no I hear you say it can't be, hell what do you think when conspiracy theories become the norm of your thought patterns.
Are you still with me because I feel like I have lost myself :)

So in despair, in our times of darkness when feel ourselves falling and scrambling and battling to breathe, what do we do? Some turn to God or spirituality, some to drugs, smoking or alcohol, some turn to sex and adrenaline, some just give up. What is the solution, I have tried many of the above and feel no clearer now than I did then. I have moments of extreme anger and times of desperate sorrow and loneliness, I have seen pity and pain and sadness in the eyes of good friends and have been embarrassed because I have brought this plague onto them.

I am numb inside. I have lost so much. I cry tears of blood and can't understand why this load cannot be taken from me. I am stressed and worried and unsure and rational thought is no longer an option that seems to offer any consulation.

I apologise because by sharing this I somehow feel I have let you into my private hell and I am embarrassed.

Forgive me.