Beer Breasted Banters

I feel as I have been dragged behind Santa's sleigh since I have returned in January.

Firstly I am from Africa, I love the sun almost enough to exposed my now bleached unrippled torso to it, however I have teenage daughters who love me, but have social lives.
The days of skipping through shopping malls and pretending that I am unable to speak English seem to be over for now, I shall have to hide these superpowers until I am a grandpa and then full havoc will occur.

So what have I been doing, well I went to a beer festival in the lovely little town of Clarens in the Free State. It opened at 10 am and by 11 am I had made new friends, bought ladies in distress beer and solicited a kiss from a married woman in return for ale, I do so very much love beer. I had a Canon DSLR and spent large periods between tastings meeting people, chatting to them and taking their photos

There was the barman from Kwazulu Natal that I named Florence for his inability to produce his female assistant, he served me 3 ales and we discussed rugby, beer and why he was in fact wearing trousers when a skirt would enhance his legs so much better.
The crew from Mitchells Brewery were by far the winners and not only was their beer the best, smoothest and brought back memories of my robust post matric and army days, it was like kissing the person of your dreams, slow, gentle and sweet, growing in strength and passion until it consumes you with love and warmth as only beer can.
There was a stage where you want to hug all around you and bury your head in the ample bosoms of all the amazingly beautiful women around me, the problem was that what I saw in reality and what I saw through the camera lens led me to believe that coffee was required immediately. Yes I had already proposed to a very special lady and she was no longer talking to me.

So off to the town square and many unsuspecting characters who would be greeted, charmed and then shot Canon style. I congratulated a man who had misplaced his wife somewhere in a shop and we joked, pretended to look for here and parted laughing.
There was the coffee shop owner who was intimidated by his wife, a rare dark haired beauty who was still at the beer festival taking photos, we spoke of marriage and the role of the submissive wife in todays society, he laughed nervously and glanced over his shoulder as if he expected a beating soon.
Onto the SAB man from Cape Town with his wife and so nice to see them enjoy a cup of coffee together, these are the moments that I treasure, middle aged teenagers talking to each other as they smile  and share a special moment together.


Oh and then the noisy shop, an outlet that sold African hand-crafted musical instruments. As I approached the shop I heard noise that seemed to suggest that there were a troop of toddlers let loose and that their parents were either deaf or just exhausted, to my surprise it was an elderly couple causing all the chaos. I attempted to banish them to the naughty corner and was greeted with a look of shock, they explained that they were buying presents for their grandchildren and we laughed, I had no choice but to join them and of course photograph them.

There was the biker guy who was happy to be shot but his biker chick disapproved so he returned to his drink and would no longer speak to me, the African shopkeeper who sold me an elephant and tried to convince me to buy a camel, I dont mind camels but could never eat a whole one so I declined.

I left the town square and re-entered the beer festival, first I attempted to convince a policewoman to frisk me, her male colleagues laughed and she simply blushed and told me to go have a beer, as I have the utmost respect for the law I obliged. The costumed folk had arrived and so to the youngsters who had just surfaced from the previous evenings adventures, I bought some young men a few beers and they posed for me with smiles emulating those of lottery winners, watched a 2 man band doing a rendition of Stairway to Heaven that made me wish that my companion for the day was a lovely lady and not a 130kg friend and took some more pics as I made my way out and back to the ghost town named Bethlehem.

It was a most enjoyable and spectacular day

Miles of Smiles Part One

Getting There . . .

It was a road trip that we had dreamt of, discussed and planned for months, and it was finally here.

My girls awoke me at one in the morning, we packed Daisy to the hilt and headed off to the coast, I was the designated driver and Nicole sat next me riding shotgun and keeping me awake.

Nighttime, toll roads and tarred roads as long as Granddad's tales of "when I was your age", as the road rose to meet us I found myself as relaxed as a fatboy eating a bucket of KFC and not having to share. With the sound of Sugarman humming in the background, i reflected on the past year, tough - yes, lonely - hell yes, rewarding - undoubtably. The sacrifice that my girls and I had made when I took on my Lesotho adventure had made this holiday possible, this was the icing on the top complete with a lit candle and singing voices.
We drove and chatted and sang our lungs out, my version of white man rapping had my girls hiding their heads in shame ad thus I persevered. By the time we got to Grahamstown, it was 40'C and we were melting, no-one was singing anymore and Simon was as pale as she was red and flushed, it was as if someone had switched the cold water off in a shower we could not escape. This continued for and hour and a half and then we saw the ocean. We had arrived in JBay.

My Mom met us with hugs and a smile that I had sorely missed and I went through to see my Dad.
He was lying on his bed. He looked like a stroke victim with a huge scar on his arm when he had had a plate inserted after he had broken it. I was shocked and shaken, but put on a brave face, afterall this was my Father, my hero, the man who loved and encouraged me to reach the sporting standards I had, and now he was lying here staring ahead with no recognition of me at all. My Mom came into the room and I put my arm around her and we chatted about Dad, how she managed to stay so positive through all of this will remain with me forever. The words "for better or for worse, through sickness and in health till death us do part" brought a tear to my eye and I rubbed it away quickly.
In the days ahead my Dad would improve and slowly get stronger, the Parkinsons has eaten away at him yet he fights it daily with the aid of a loving wife who refuses to give up and leave her partner of 48 years. Were it not her, my Dad would have left us years ago.
She feeds him, washes and clothes him and changes him when he has messed himself, she talks to him throughout it all and lies with him when he sleeps. She is as protective over him as a teenager with her first Blackberry.

We had arrived, tired, hot but happy.

Room Service

Hi, I am Ted and I am divorced. Not dead, not socially outcast just divorced.

Ok so tell us Ted what the problem is? There is a problem I assume?

Well, here goes. I am a man with emotions, feelings and desires. I am attracted to beautiful women as I have been before, however before I was married and never considered an affair because of that. Now I am divorced, I do not wish to make love to every woman I see, but I would like love and be loved.
My work circumstances do not allow for a relationship as I spend 3 days a month back is South Africa, all of which is spent with my girls.

So what my dear friends is a fella to do?

Rent him a lady for the pleasure of her ways and then hitch up my trousers and set off on another adventure?
Pursue the possibility of a Russian bride, limited knowledge of the English language and customs perhaps, but beautiful, loyal (I am told) and a companion.
I have agreed on principle not to mention the little people, often referred to as midgets, oh here is an advert I found on a website under "Exotic Pets".
Midget for Sale
Entertaining, friendly, clean and can be litter box trained. Perfect for leash training, fetching and tricks. Can be dressed in cute clothes.
Imagine how jealous your friends will be when they see you have your own midget.

Ok enough little side issues, back to my moral dilemma, paying a lady for her services is out of the question, the sweet Russian bride is too close to slavery in my humble opinion.
Religion degrees all activities of a sexual manner be carried out or administered within the legal restrains of marriage, sounds very erotic doesn't. "Darling, I feel a stirring and am contemplating an administration if your schedule allows it?"

So, pray do tell, what is a divorced hot blooded man to do?

Nite All.

Willie Nelson Rocks

I like Willie Nelson.

I am sure more than half of you have clicked to the next blog by now, but hang on. If I had said I like Kim Kardashian or one of her 20 sisters then fair enough.

What makes Willie Nelson stand out for me? His hair? NO! His music? Well some of it is ok. His acting? Um I think Chock Norris acting in a musical might do a better job. Then what is it.

He is a survivor. Born in 1933 and fighting the establishment and standing up for what he believed in has not made him a favourite with the authorities. He has ever always fought for what he believes in. In 1993 due to mismanagement of his accountants he was bankrupt and lost all he had. He started from scratch at the age of 60, me starting from scratch at the age of 43 seems like childsplay in comparison. He paid back his debts and his friends bought some of his assets and rented them back to him at a nominal rate. I too have friends that have lent me almost all that I have in my flat, I do own my own underwear and pride myself that these are replaced once they wear through in the gravity regions causing a free falling scenario I am very uncomfortable with.

He has been married 4 times and has 7 kids, he has been arrested numerous time for the possession of marijuana but I suppose we are all allowed our faults, this is what makes us human after all.
He has fought for and campaigned for many years for causes such as Farm Aid, Bio-diesel, Anti-war and animal and horse welfare.
In comparison, I advocate free speech (not hate speech) free beer (My Free the Froth Campaign is in its early stages) and encourage the "Hug Someone Daily" slogan. I have been married once and have 2 kids and  have only been arrested once but not charged.

Willie Nelson is a free spirit operating within a system made to protect the middle classes from any threat to their little world they have cocooned themselves in, he fights and sings for what he believes in and has more hair on his head than I have on my entire body.
He reminds us that we need to do more than just our so-called 9-5 duty, I need to leave my comfort zone and embrace my neighbours warts and all, irrespective of their religious, social and musical choices.
Yes opera hurts but not as much as Oprah.

If they dont like beer, have a fruit juice with them.

Nite All

Journey Back in Time

The Journey to the coast and back begins with my arrival at OR Thambo International Airport. I am packed, my luggage feels heavy, laden with 15 novels for my Mom, a leatherman, cable ties, chewing gum and a torch. I am the Indiana Jones of our era, Dr Ted vs the Open Road.

I have packed a selection of music ranging from Nirvana, Sasha's Dance hits to Sherryl Crow. My underwear is sorted into casual and socialising  and then driving. Have keep it all in place when you driving!

Arrived at the airport, checked in and helped an African Mama load her luggage onto the conveyor, she had one bag just for her hats and it weighed a ton!!!!!

As I entered the mens room, a gentleman smiled at me and said "Welcome to my Office". I smiled and wondered if I was meant to shake his hand? He was the cleaner who had promoted himself to MD of his department, his attitude reminded me of how far we had come as a young Democracy.

Met my cousin, took possession of the Citi Golf and after a brief stop to get some perfume for my Mom, I headed off to JBay.

Upon arrival, I walked into my parents house and met my Dad, who wasn't quite sure who I was.
He looked good, a little confused but fortunately not scared of me.
He didn't really talk to me but kept a wary eye on me. My Mom arrived and gave a kiss and Dad immediately got up and came and gave her a kiss too.

By the next morning, he walked up next to me, whacked me on the shoulder and stood next to me. It was a special moment.
The next morning he was in bed and I went in to greet him and he said "hello Ted" and gave me a kiss. That moments recognition seemed to pass quickly but was so precious.
His Parkinsons should have taken his life many years ago but his incredible stamina and my Moms personal care and love have kept him going.
Today he walked up to me and asked me who I am, I told him I was his son, his baby. He replied that I was a bloody big baby and walked away.

There have been times when I thought I caught a glimpse of who he used to be, I cannot praise my Mom for caring for him 24/7 and refusing to give up. What a woman, what a privelage to call her my Mom and nothing I could ever do could make up for what she has done for Dad.

Nite all

My Young Friends

After a 10hr work day including 320km of driving, to sit with dear friends and enjoy a magnificent chicken and vegetable soup with a tennis ball sized dumpling sprinkled with cinnamon sugar, well it was an amazing way to end off a really busy day.

Special young friends like Craig and Gen, Brad and her Vickiness and Eric and Adel allow me to see the passion they have for life. They laugh, live, shout and cry so much easier than I did.
Their bond with God and each other has made me so proud to call them friends and I know they have so much more to give.

Isn't it sometimes sad to get to the midlife years and somehow lose touch with the younger generation. They seem to love and live more passionately and experience so much more than many of us who have sought security and policies and bonds and strived to live the middle class dream.
I have no policies, no bond and no worldly security, I live month to month and even though I battle at times I am coping. I am happier than I have been in a long time even though there are still huge financial hurdles I must face.
The difference is that I am honest with my feelings and am no longer afraid to admit when I am sad or lonely or excited and feel loved.
My young friends live in the real world and address issues on a level that makes them more mature than many folk much older than them.

So this blog is a thank you to each of them for the incredible personalities and people they are, I am truly honoured and humbled to call you friends.

Nite All

Revolution

A revolution (from the Latin revolutio, "a turn around") is a fundamental change in power or organizational structures that takes place in a relatively short period of time.

My realisation that my marriage was over was a revolution, in the blink of an eye it was gone. It lay shattered and blown apart beyond repair.

And so began the 18 months of upheaval and emotional ping pong and then something else happened.
From the ashes and ruins a green shoot appeared, tiny and desperate at first but determined.

This little green shoot was "hope".
It fought from the dark burnt battered soil and emerged desperately seeking light. This has been the story of the last 6 months, no it hasn't been an overnight moth to butterfly revolution.
It was a candle being lit in a dark cellar, suddenly the objects that greeted my shins with silent giggles could be identified, my perimeter was vaguely familiar and the panic was replaced with a mild sigh of relief.

Ever had one of those moments?
It was the beginnings of an awakening and move from hell to midway stop, complete with cold water and meds.
You find enough strength to risk a bit more, a date, a smile, watching a love story or asking someone out on a date.
You suddenly have days where you embrace life with more passion and even an awkward skip in your step.

Heck I might even treat myself to a dream with a happy ending tonight.

Nite all

What a Man Wants Part 1

I have notice that the average ratio of magazines for women compared to men is steeply in favour of the ladies.

This isn't because men don't read magazines, but more so because men read specialised magazines aimed specifically at their interests. Men do not generally read articles on feelings, emotions, love and relationships, give them something on sport, hobbies, technology, wheels or beautiful ladies and suddenly they will sit up and take notice.

We are in fact a simple creature and as such there are times when we are doing nothing. Men can sit quite comfortably in silence and not feel the urge to break the peace, I mean silence.

Some drink, some exercise, some smoke, some watch tv and some just keep the peace at home.

We enjoy a bit of space that is our own.

Have you noticed that the home is almost exclusively decorated by the woman, yes I know we have no taste and we often collect junk.

The bedroom, kitchen, bathrooms, lounge and even tv rooms are inevitably the woman's terrain, ladies give your guy a space. Often he will say it isn't important, but grant him somewhere to put his singing fish, that painting or sculpture that would make Liberance turn in his grave or that item of clothing you couldn't convince the beggar to take for fear of expulsion from the Society of Professional Beggars and Politicians.

Don't take him shoe shopping with you, he would rather endure a prostrate examination after a Mexican meal, see it as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and do the most boring deed known to man since having to pick up his underwear.

To be continued . . . .

Nite All

Who do you Love?

I realised this evening that it is indeed a matchmaking jungle out there with both male and female in the same predicament. The scenario is the same as you will have the hunter, either male or female who is pursuing a certain prey for a specific reason and the victim who is basically at the mercy of the hunters.

Where you stand on issues such as beliefs, ethics and morals can be easily contradicted by emotions and peer pressure irrespective of age. Let me explain, after a long relationship it is very difficult to bounce into a fresh one as there are major trust and self confidence issues that need time to resolve themselves. Jumping straight in stunts the healing process to run its course and simply suppresses it until it forces its way to the surface like the body rejecting a splinter.

I don't know what the ideal situation is for me, but I do know the following;
1 I need to physical touch even if it is only a hug or the simple act of holding hands. This breaks the awkward tension that you encounter when you meet a suitable friend and want to move the friendship to a relationship phase.
2 I need to experience the joy of kissing again as it is the foundation of a young relationship and will tell each other so much about the partners personality. Are they patient, gentle, urgent, aggressive, passive or passionate?

The game is still the same, it is just the rules and risks have changed dramatically and if you rush in, you might be well out of your depth before you realise it.

I intend to love again, I plan to be happy again and I hope that this year will be the foundation that allows love once again to be a part of my life.

There are however extenuating circumstances in my case, I have to take into consideration my girls and how this will affect them. I have to be completely honest with my potential partner so as to prevent any confusion or pain.

Marriages are made in heaven, the catch is that we live in the real world and its really tough out there.

Nite all