Rocking with Depression

I know what it feels like to be tired, moody, angry, irritable and as miserable as a Liverpool supporter, I have lived with a desire not to get out of bed in the morning and not even the allure of an exceptional cuppachino able to rouse limbs that feel hundreds of years old.

Its called depression and is basically a condition that takes the rock and roll from the soul and replaces it with Michael Bolton ballads, a fate worse than eating extra spicy curry when you have aching hemorrhoids i am told.
My name is Ted and I am on medication for depression.

When I am on the meds, I cope perfectly well and am able to cope with most of life's curveballs, without them I am unable to process and understand and rationally deal with them at all, I am an angry teenager who cannot comprehend  the need for logic as it defies my irrational tantrum. I was convinced by my therapist, doctor and friends that these were needed and the difference has been life-altering. My biggest stumbling block was "me" and seeing it as a character flaw, I was too proud initially to admit that I was not able to cope on my own, I mean just look at Batman and how happy he is! I have tried to wean myself more than once and quickly realised that they were a part of life as much as my distorted sense of humour is.

So all was going well until I discovered that I will be in Lesotho a week longer than anticipated and will be running out of my "happy I want to cuddle the world" pills. I have had to move to alternate days and with the reduction emerged my old enemy, laughing and attempting to drag me down to the cesspool from where he emerged. The battle has once more commenced.

For me to do my Mick Jagger moves with the raspiness of Bob Dylan impression, I need the little pearl of stability that comes in a white capsule and henceforth I can Rock the Depression oooooooo yeah. For now my moves are very unlike Jagger and resemble a sloth without a Garmin.

Also have the odd headache to contend with, but the light shines and the tunnel draws to a close.

Nite All

Demon Days

It happens, life is a menagerie of intertwined emotions and circumstances that invade your secure world like patrol of stubborn ants.

The days that smell like coffee shop filled with pastries are as adorable as a first kiss, sweet, exciting and leave you breathless and smiling shyly.
The days that resemble eating corn flakes out of the gutter are as charming as realising you do not have enough cash for petrol and buying milk for your daughters.

I am on a hill, this year has a solid grip on me and is weighing me down and sucking life out of me faster than a teenager texting their friends. The new year beckons, but its challenges are daunting enough without the added burden of last year on my back.

Add to this a life and health decision that requires no beer, exercise and a reduction in coffee and it is a bitter pill to swallow.
My chemical requirements have not lessened, I feel that if they ever reacted with the invisible radiation from my phone, I would become my own "glow in the dark" theme park.

My situation is not unique, a single middle aged parent trying to survive and provide as best he can for his teenage kids in a world running on speed and adrenaline. I am unable to maintain this pace.
So as I face these demons and feel them attempt to suck the life essence from me, I have 2 choices. One, succumb and slowly die a little more each day or two, survive on day at a time and smile between the attacks.


I feel like a wrestler who has been in the game 5 years too long and can't afford to retire.

Phrases like "hang in there" and "you can do this" with the added "many have endured and overcome" do not help me now.
A wise women once said, "you have survived worse and flippen hell Ted don't quit now". Quitting would be easy and I have never taken the easy route in my life so why start now.

The face in the mirror is weary and the eyes a little hollow and the shoulders a little drooped with battle fatigue.  Surrender is not not option but battle weariness has worn my armour a little thin.

This will be last post for 2011, so until next year many blessings and love.

Nite Nite

I am Not Superman

It is a harsh reality and one I would prefer not to mention so openly, however I feel that we have shared so much on our journey I should not stop now.

I hear you ask how I know I am not Superman? Well here are the basic questions that need to be answered.
1. Have you ever changed ïn a phone booth or any other public place?
2. Have you ever had diarrhoea? Superman Doesn't get diarrhoea
3. Have you ever been late for a flight? Trick question folks, Superman doesn't fly in planes.
4. Have you ever worn a leotard and a cape and been sober at the time?
5. Do you wear Chuck Norris pajamas to bed at night? Superman does.

So my reality hit home today as my withdrawals took a serious turn for the worse. I feel giddy, tired, tense and tight chested in a manner unlike Dolly Parton.
Add to that emotionally low and as sad as wife who is unable to find something for her husband to do on a Saturday afternoon and you can partially imagine where I found myself.
I was not very much in love with life at all. It dawned on me that I had no choice but to get to my GP at once and confess and beg for forgiveness.
Her response was as follows, "you have stopped your meds haven't you and please don't tell me you stopped them suddenly". The specific meds I am on need to be fazed out over a minimum period of 2 months. They are some of the harshest to stop suddenly on.

To cut a long story shorter than Latoya Jacksons music career, I spent my last food money on a doctors visit and some chemicals.

Long live drugs and rock and roll.

Nite All

The Positive Art of Divorce

It sometimes takes waking up at 02h15 in the morning to see the flip side of the coin, life is a little strange that way.

I have been battling with a particularly stubborn case of depression in the last 10 days and have had to drag myself out of bed in the morning.
It was as if I had lost my way and desolation and despair had clouded my thoughts and swallowed my joy.
Then it hit me in the face like a cold fish, there were many positive aspects to my current situation.

I could make myself coffee and have rusks in bed anytime without the obligatory "what the hell are you doing sweetie, do you know what time it is"?
Strolling around the mansion naked in winter was permissible and required no explanation or justification.
All sides of the bed were my side and the only person who stole the duvet from me was well, me.
The toilet seat is always in the correct position.
The vegetable drawer in the fridge was the best place for beer and tonic water, this does make me smile whenever I open the fridge door.

It may all seem a little selfish and perhaps it is, but there is a definte sense of cavaliership about it all. I am tempted to enter my abode with sword in hand and a gleam in my eye daring the shadows to attack me.
To date they have refrained and thus my swordmanship and authority remains unchallenged.

It is now 03h15 and sleep beckons like a mermaid seductively luring me into her loving arms.

Nite all.

A Date With 2011

I have been told by an amazing friend that I am too critical and hard on myself, I take criticism to heart and am very quick to accept blame for situations.

I believe it comes from being very driven as a young sportsman at school, I did well and was satisfied but was very hard on myself.

Somehow in my marriage I felt I had to prove what a good husband and father I was. My family wanted for nothing and in the process I created a debt hole I am still stuck in. I took on all the debt in my divorce and let my ex-wife take most of the furniture for her and my girls.

So enough of the past, what does 2011 hold for me and what the heck am I going to do with the debt. I was keen to auction it all to the highest bidder, but somehow not even Willy Wonka could pull that off.

So I need a date with 2011, to get a better understanding of her needs and behaviour. Perhaps I will learn of some manner that she can assist me with my previous relationship with a lady called Debt. The future will be determined by using what 2011 offers and using what Debt taught me (and scarred me).

And the resolution and outcome?

No idea yet but watch this space.

Chow all

The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all

Choices

It takes a decision, an action, the ability to choose a path and step onto the road that leads to it.

The teaching is that we have the ability and choice to determine which way we steer our course in life. We determine the route and when we deviate and wander down the long winding road, there will be adventures that await us.

I have been afraid at times to let go of my safety harness, I fear free falling because falling hints at loss of control on my part. It likes going into a public toilet blindfolded, you don't know what you getting into and worst of all, if there is any toilet paper!!

So I have ventured cautiously at times and then over compensated and gone Julius Malema at other times, that implies a complete lack of judgment and no concern for any consequences. Like to think they might balance out.

Choices.

I choose to see the shooting star as an opportunity to make a wish and smile as I believe in magic for a micro second or alternatively consider it as a redundant satellite hurtling towards earth with the acute possibility of killing some mystical eastern philosopher prone for greatness in the Western World Wilderness, or the www as we commonly refer to it. Maybe that's why Bill Gates keeps his windows closed on account of heavenly hail. Enough Ted enough.

What I am saying is our attitude determines our success or failure, our health, our friendship and our hope for tomorrow.

Good nite

Companionship

Why do we feel lonely?
What is it that makes us want to sink deeper and deeper in a black hole and slowing die a little more inside each day?

This disease known as depression is like cancer, it finds a place to plant a seed and then it spreads its evil web of dark misery. But it doesn't stop, it clouds our vision, it dampens our passions and slowly like a leech it sucks the very life out of us.

So, what is the answer?
Well being alone is a bad idea, get out into the light, get out and find a friend, someone to talk to, someone you trust. John Cougar wrote 'Everyone just needs a hand to hold onto'. It not about the sex or lusts, most times it simply to have someone to talk to, to be near when the monsters come out to play, when you feel like giving up and all seems lost.

Have you found that someone?
I have and yet I fear I am abusing the privilege and friendship. I have no physical contact and very little verbal, there have been occasions when the walls have got too close and an emergency calls were necessitated. Other times urgent advice was required. Otherwise its all about a wireless wonder.

I do so miss the conversation and availability of hugs on hand, but a new world awaits and I must sail through the mist to find what awaits me on the other side.

Good Night!

Sunday Sunday bright and sunny,
Awoken by my girls but my tummy felt funny
Went for a walk and Smau's excellent breakfast
Then resting and lazing and thinking of the past
Well the kitchen floor needed a clean
And better wash some clothes and my favourite jeans
Now lying on the couch and my eyes grow weary
Too lazy to arise and fetch me a beery

What? It does rhyme with 'weary'

So it has been a couple of days and I have been drowning myself in Series to forget about life. Truth is I am simply killing time and then battling to sleep at night. It seems we cannot outrun our demons, they follow us and come knocking when we try and rest. Not even meds help, so you supermed and then battle a little at work. You try and live at work when you should be working, you overthink and over analyze and basically everything suffers.

Then it takes a sms from your work partner to remind you that your job in fact pays for all the crap you need to keep the show on the road. What show, the one that leads you through this wilderness of confused emotions and scars. For the wounds to heal you need time, time heals all wounds and yes there will be scars. A scar can either be a painful reminder of a wound or it can be a real life tattoo brought about by part of the adventure called life.

What do you see? A corpse, rotten, dead, smelly and decaying or as C put it today, an angel. The angel promises hope, comfort, light and opportunity. I remind myself God doesn't make spelling mistakes, He sometimes just let's us see it all from another angle.

I am coping and am not afraid to say that it is not all a bed of duck feathers! Sorry but I am not resting my delicate bottom on a bed of thorny roses, no Sir.

I need to try and focus and find those 3 positive things a day to keep myself moving forward.

Today its, angel, strawberry juice and talking to my girls through a steel fence.

Good Night

Refund Please

I want a full refund on today please!

It was not worth getting out of bed this morning, I should have stayed in bed, attached myself frantically to a passive pillow and just slept.

But no, against my better judgment, I awoke, got out of bed and pretended to treat this Tuesday like any other.

Big mistake.

My life currently is an emotional roller-coaster where I go from coping to straining and panicking to hiding from all and sundry. Today was a hiding from the world day and did I do that? No! I decided I would a hero, I would meet this day head on, use my best Billy Connolly accent, squint at Tuesday with my good eye and lick my lips in anticipation.

Tuesday ignored me like a sleeping dragon counting burning sheep.

So I bravely went about my usual business and all seemed to be normal. I didn't notice the tightening in my belly, or the hair on my neck raising and not even the dark looming shadow forming over me. Nope I was in lala land with the girl of my dreams and the wind blowing through our hair as we gazed over the ocean.

And then it hit me.

Hard. Clinical. Deathly.

I was brought to my knees and could feel the emotion build up in me. It had reached within me and ripped out my confidence, my hope, my dreams and any progress I felt I had made in this battle. I felt crippled. I felt shaken and defeated. I felt void of all emotion, hollow and dead.

I am now lying on my bed as I do not have the energy to get up and make supper. The radio is off and my head is ringing.

The only reason I am still even able to type this is due to my guardian angel, Super C who has patiently reassured me and encouraged me most of the day. When required, reality checks were thrown at me and I admitted to decisions that had added to make this situation worse, hard tough advice was given.

We all need a guardian angel in our lives and mine has kept me going through terrible times. Thank you Super C.

I am so weary now and it is only 17H36, I have no more to give today, could I have my refund please?

I have no music for today.

The Monday Mass Murderer

Well Monday reared its head like a spoilt 4 year old in Toys-R-us at Christmas time and that was the good part of it.

I found myself stumbling around the penthouse, medicated and unable to sleep, I ended having a slice of low Gi wholewheat toast with strawberry jam and 2 slices of processed cheese. Then played musical beds with one bed, not my proudest moment.

So where I am now on this momentous period of my life. My Renaissance phase, bloody hell I feel like an artist in the wrong era, or perhaps Michael J Fox at his prime in Black to the Future.

Honestly, I feel absolutely horrible today, down, tired, drained and a little shaky. Divorce has a way of looking for a hole in our armor and then hitting you hard and watching you bleed.

So have I seen any progress since it all began, I suppose I have or maybe I am just coping better with it. I tried no alcohol and that lasted a couple of weeks and I found myself smelling wine when it was opened. Strange? Never apparently all the wierdo's do it.

But I have made it through and have a haircut, eyebrow trim and then Rose (my alias for my hair technician) whacked me a couple of times on each shoulder. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response to that was so I smiled and waved!

Tonight I will see and old friend from my Army days, haven't seen him since 1985 so it will be great to chat about the past and see if the memories make sense. If any of my other Army mates are reading this, Tobie Willemse and I have finally managed to fit each other into our hectic social calenders.

Oh, by the way, if you were Monday where would you hide before you launched your full out attack on the world?
Somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday! Come on guys!

I forgot to partake of lunch today, so I am on the verge of peckish and starving at the moment. I shall return, but first Tobie, beer, memories and a fair amount of laughs.

Good night all

Sundays Thoughts

I have just dropped my girls and am now sitting in church, honestly I don't feel like I want to be here but it beats feeling alone when I feel like this. It is a safe place to be.

I would have thought that by now it would have been easier for me to drop them and just go, but it still feels the same and I find myself wondering how they feel. Simon always waits at the gate till I have driven off, it can't be easy for her. She is a teenager and with so much going through her head, she has to deal with divorce as well.

I have not found anything yet that takes this pain away, I want to drink because it numbs everything, but I am too scared. I want to run away, but my girls need me. So I am stuck in a hell I never saw. I need to go back there again tonight as I forgot to take the bloody maintenance money. Lovely. This is not because I have anything against paying it, but I do not enjoy going there.

Was life easier before this or was it just easier because I wasn't alone.

My girls are so precious to me and I treasure their hugs so much and miss them terribly.. When I drop them it feels as if I am leaving a huge chunk of myself behind. I am told it gets easier, maybe you just get more familiar with it or become hardened to it.

What else did I learn today, don't ask for someone's opinion unless you really want an honest answer.

Is it not amazing that in a room of 150 plus people I still feel alone. One of the positive factors I suppose is that you can be alone a lot easier and ponder your thoughts and ideas.

Positive thoughts for today, saw a newly engaged couple and they were just beaming. Saw full families and by that I mean Father, Mother and kids together and they seemed to be having a good time. My girls are amazing.

On the drive taking them back to their Mom's house not a word was said in the car. It still feels awkward.

Worst moment of the day, watching Simon standing in the driveway watching me drive off, it haunts me.

Good night.

A Night Out?

What a day with my girls, never thought I would be one standing in the underwear section helping them making choices about matching lingerie. A year ago that would not have been possible and yet it wasn't awkward and didn't feel strange.

I found some old music and my treat for the month, 2 new pairs of underpants, sad perhaps but practicle. Girls had a blast, Simon got some books, a new big black bag and a cd, Nicole a poster, a new purse and a top I was assured by Simon was 'Ok Dad'.

Needless to say the girls were exhausted and collapsed on the couch and have been watching Vampire Diaries for the past 5 hours. They are chilled and having fun and I am blessed they want to spend time with me.

My friend who was so hurt yesterday is so much better today it is almost hard to believe, she is calmer and back in a place where she can think rationally and is feeling better.

I was fine till the evening and then I had the feeling I was bursting from my seams and needed to just let some steam off. Not possible tonight but hey, let's see what happens next week. Still processing it all and seeking opinions from good friends, any opinions please let me know. I want to go ona drinking spree for one night, let my hair down and forget about everything for a couple of hours, can any of you relate to this?

I feel that much has been taken from me, a lesson perhaps for my lust to seek and attain and collect, perhaps the removal and absence is my learning and part of my journey towards a new place, a new me and new beginnings. The unwinding and unravelling of the old is painful and difficult, it is the reversal and removal of habits that have been comfortable for many a year.

So I must retire as my meds begin to weave their web of medical magic.

Goodnight.

Plea to a Friend

Hey C, sorry about earlier this afternoon, big meltdown again, just keeping it together for too long and then reality kicked in real hard. Huge battle with time frames and immensity of the whole situation.

Thanks C for listening and shaking me back to a state where I could breakdown and then focus again.
Sometimes I just get too lonely or too sad or even too shaken by the whole issue and find it hard to accept that this is happening to me and why me? And then I have to say well why not me! I am not exempt from all of this and I have to make the best of a bad situation. At the same time I am allowed to have all fall downs where it all collapses and takes me with it.

Then there are times where I really feel that God has forgotten me and I am alone in all of this, stupid I know. So much has been shaken and in some cases destroyed that eventually you begin to doubt everything.

‎​It is also a case of reaching the end of a day, sighing a huge sigh of relief and not knowing what awaits you tomorrow. Will I be able to handle it? Can I make it till 5? What if I break down? Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel? Who am I and what is the person I will be at the end of all of this? Am I entitled to joy, laughter and ultimately love again or is this the way it will be till the end?

‎​Who decides who gets the happily ever after and the blunt end of the stick? What happens to shattered love and broken hearts? Are we able to love fully again? Are we able to fully trust again? Do I have to be broken to be made whole and why does it seem to take so long? Too many questions and not enough clarity. Good Night.

Friday Night Dvd's

We left for Potchestroom ar 6 and got back mid afternoon and finished work with a little computer work.

Then I collected my girls, got some dvd's and pizza and of course some chocolate of course! A good evening spent together and 3 fun movies including a comedy love affair (Meet the Morgans). Felt a little sad after it as I do with most love stories, its not the movies but more the emotions it evokes in me. I so want to believe in love again. Its not that I want to have a relationship and settle down, but more a case of believing that it does in fact exist.

Had my blood pressure tested again and it was too high still, got a call from my Dr and have agreed to see her next week. Have to get this sorted, can't afford to get sick now.

So tomorrow is Arni's bachelors and am looking forward to it, will be good to see some of the old faces again. Expect there will be lots of laughter and noise.

Simon is watching "Angus and the perfect art of snogging" her very favourite movie at the moment and Nicole is asleep.

A good end to a busy week.

Good Night World

Love?

Sometimes in life you see something special between two people, a look, a smile a touch, something that speaks to you and almost restores your hope in love, almost.

Does it become a duty, is it a relationship of convenience, are we simply afraid of the consequences or are we afraid of the stigma society might attach to us.

In the instant society we find ourselves trying to survive in, what happened to loyalty, honour, respect, what happened to happily ever after. What happened to promises and where did it all go wrong?

Does life strive to destroy that which we hold to be true and righteous? Or is it just all decided on the rolling of a dice. No no I hear you say it can't be, hell what do you think when conspiracy theories become the norm of your thought patterns.
Are you still with me because I feel like I have lost myself :)

So in despair, in our times of darkness when feel ourselves falling and scrambling and battling to breathe, what do we do? Some turn to God or spirituality, some to drugs, smoking or alcohol, some turn to sex and adrenaline, some just give up. What is the solution, I have tried many of the above and feel no clearer now than I did then. I have moments of extreme anger and times of desperate sorrow and loneliness, I have seen pity and pain and sadness in the eyes of good friends and have been embarrassed because I have brought this plague onto them.

I am numb inside. I have lost so much. I cry tears of blood and can't understand why this load cannot be taken from me. I am stressed and worried and unsure and rational thought is no longer an option that seems to offer any consulation.

I apologise because by sharing this I somehow feel I have let you into my private hell and I am embarrassed.

Forgive me.

22 June Tuesday

Hello Tuesday, hello no breakfast too little time and not important enough to worry about.

Not the healthiest attitude soooo "Kids don't try this at home" hehe and wasn't really considering eating today but Colin bought me a salami roll and a Coke Light, good man

It was a good busy day but I tired by the early afternoon and then I seemed to slip deeper and deeper into a pit that welcomed me and dragged me in. So I had to get out of the office, get away from people and just get out. So I went for a long walk alone and just thought about things and life and sadness and the absence of joy.

I came home and cooked a meal of bacon, baby tomatoes, green beans, mushrooms all cooked in butter and served with tagliatelle! It was good.

Good thought for the day?
A friend and her family are having a well deserved awesome holiday and I was able to eat a home cooked pasta meal without having wine with it.

Good night world.

20 June Sunday

Fathers Day, 2 giggling girls, lunch at the table together chatting and laughing and an afternoon snooze on the couch.

Throw in a disjointed chat to my Dad and a call to my Father in Law and the day was ok. Nice to reconnect with Ant again and good to hear he is still well and was spending time with his sons, my nephews.

Dropped my girls with Heather this afternoon and then received a frantic call from Simon to say she couldn't find her phone. Got back to the house and it was lying on the kitchen counter and her soccer bracelet on the kitchen window sill, my Simon hasn't changed haha.

C is going on her first decent holiday with her kids for a long time and I am really pleased for her, hope she can unwind and just have a blast.

Spoke briefly to Stephen and he seems overworked but content so all seems good.

Got home, alone again and tried my best not to slip into a state of loneliness so curled on the couch, turned on the tv and killed 4 hours.

Now I am weary and a little sad so good night all.

19 June Saturday

I awoke after sleeping in with my girls and Nicole made pancakes for breakfast. Now up and channel hopping and the girls are chilling. Freezing outside again so no desire to open any door or window. Nope vegetate is the way to attack this day.

So a whole day of just relaxing and sleeping and watching sport and chatting to the girls. It was a nice cold winters day and Simon made Salmon, mushrooms, cream and pasta and it was good, thanks Simon.

Evening came and the girls were watching a Disney movie and I was just lying in the lounge and started to feel a little down. It is amazing that even in the midst of loved ones and sometimes in a room full of friends you can feel so alone.

It is strange that after been with a partner for so long it takes a while to unravel oneself and find the true Ted again. It all takes time and realising that a certain stage of your life is over and a new adventure beckons, however before you are truly ready to face this journey, some training and preparation is required. This so called limbo state is that and it is sad and hard and a lonely trip.

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes"

Great song and an appreciate way to say goodnight.

09 June Wednesday

Happy Birthday M, hope you have an awesome groovy year ahead you deserve it!

Man o man am I tired of hitting low patches and scraping myself off the emotional floor and trying to make it to the end of a day. I saw Simon and she looked awesome and we chatted all the way back to Mom's home, mwah precious. So it ended on a high, now I am alone at the flat and doing da blog thang before I go soak my exhausted assets in a bath, why? Cos I'm worth it!

Didn't feel great today and and need to change my diet and start exercising SOON, I can feel the stresses of life are getting to me and I am exhausted and irritable and feeling sorry for myself, plus I think the excess caffeine is sprinting through my veins like a street dog after a bouncing sausage.

So plan of action is as follows;
1. Bath
2. Coffee (only kidding)
3. Read the newspaper
4. Speak to a friend
5. Message a friend
6. Exercise (SERIOUSLY only kidding)
7. Try to sleep

And so it came to be that Ted was weary and he sighed the sigh of a sigher sighing deeply and slowly and raised his eyes slowly agonizingly like a Celine Dion song and stretched out his hand and followed it to his pool of warm energy and into it he did sink and rested he did.

Happy thoughts!