New Love

When I first began my blogging it was a survival mechanism for keeping the demons at bay and allowing me to try and find some method in the madness and destruction of divorce. It seemed to grow and take momentum and I found that there was a certain therapuutical peace and understanding that came from sharing my darkest voyages.

This is not one of those blogs.

From the wounded soul I was able to heal and grow and most importantly accept what had happened, my girls and I found safety in a family unit of 3 and we shared in a manner I am truly blessed about.

I dabbled briefly in dating and reached a stage where I accepted that perhaps this was not meant to be for now. So I plowed my energy into my girls, friends and studying.

And then it happened.

I received an invitation for coffee from a lady I had never met. I was a little nervous and had no idea what to expect. I figured coffee was an hour at the most and then I could escape. We met, we chatted, we drank cuppachinos and I studied her without trying to get caught. Her smile reached all the way to her eyes and was as infectious as a yawn, her hands were beautiful and well manicured and she had a glow about her skin. My mouth felt a little dry and I hoped I would not open my mouth and no words would come out. I held my hands together lest she saw that I was shaking ever so slightly. It was a gloriously amazing coffee encounter.

We parted and I felt as if a part of me had left with her.
I knew that I had to see her again, I had to hold her hand and if the gods granted me one final wish, it would be to kiss her.
That was 2 months ago, her 6 year old daughter and I seemed to gel from our first meeting and my girls "approve" of the new lady in my life. I expected to lose her when my sudden departure to Lesotho appeared like a pimple on the evening of a date, I even offered her a "get out of jail free" card. Simply put, I would allow her to walk away from me with no hard feelings, fortunately she declined.

Having someone in your life that you can share with, chat to and cuddle when you camt stop smiling or crying is possibly one of life's greatest blessings. To love and be loved is beyond description.

It has been 3 years since my life crumbled to its core, but from that brokeness has arisen something so special and beautiful that it makes the journey through hell worthwhile.

Bless all of you who have encouraged, supported, cared for prayed for my girls and I. Thank you seems such an unworthy response for what it means to us.

To my two new ladies in my life, you are so much more than I ever expected or deserved.

Nite all

Cold Turkey

Love is a drug.

It is the morphine that sometimes binds relationships and keeps couples together. It can be positive and strengthen you and enable to endure tough times easier or it can become an addiction that slowly destroys one or both of you and leaves you no more than a shadow of your present self.

I have not recovered from my addiction yet and as such I have days where I cope brilliantly and others where I am dragged to the edge of hell and must cling on till it wears off. I cannot predict when it will come, it is pretty much like a distant relative that you fear who arrives unexpectedly and then stays till they decide it is time to move on. I cannot simply erase it or ignore it for it must run its course and only time and God can heal it.

Add to this recipe of rehab the sudden removal of Coke Light and a litre of Oros a day, sugar, the reduction of chemicals, addition of nutrients and a change in diet and you have the makings of the Amy Winehouse classic hit.

Emotionally I am beyond weary and somehow hope I can supply my precious daughters with all they require from me. I am too tired to cry and find myself wanting to hide in a corner on a bad day.
Do not misunderstand me, I am a far different man from the man in the mirror last year.

And my addiction, well it has to be faced and I thank you for helping and encouraging me, you have no idea what a difference it makes having friends that journey with you. But now it is once more time to dream and who knows where that journey will take me tonight.

Good nite all

Refund Please

I want a full refund on today please!

It was not worth getting out of bed this morning, I should have stayed in bed, attached myself frantically to a passive pillow and just slept.

But no, against my better judgment, I awoke, got out of bed and pretended to treat this Tuesday like any other.

Big mistake.

My life currently is an emotional roller-coaster where I go from coping to straining and panicking to hiding from all and sundry. Today was a hiding from the world day and did I do that? No! I decided I would a hero, I would meet this day head on, use my best Billy Connolly accent, squint at Tuesday with my good eye and lick my lips in anticipation.

Tuesday ignored me like a sleeping dragon counting burning sheep.

So I bravely went about my usual business and all seemed to be normal. I didn't notice the tightening in my belly, or the hair on my neck raising and not even the dark looming shadow forming over me. Nope I was in lala land with the girl of my dreams and the wind blowing through our hair as we gazed over the ocean.

And then it hit me.

Hard. Clinical. Deathly.

I was brought to my knees and could feel the emotion build up in me. It had reached within me and ripped out my confidence, my hope, my dreams and any progress I felt I had made in this battle. I felt crippled. I felt shaken and defeated. I felt void of all emotion, hollow and dead.

I am now lying on my bed as I do not have the energy to get up and make supper. The radio is off and my head is ringing.

The only reason I am still even able to type this is due to my guardian angel, Super C who has patiently reassured me and encouraged me most of the day. When required, reality checks were thrown at me and I admitted to decisions that had added to make this situation worse, hard tough advice was given.

We all need a guardian angel in our lives and mine has kept me going through terrible times. Thank you Super C.

I am so weary now and it is only 17H36, I have no more to give today, could I have my refund please?

I have no music for today.

Friends All Around

When life hits hard and hits low, friends step in, help you to your feet and walk beside you nudging you in the right direction.

They are there in times of trouble with a smile, a hug, a wise word and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. We all need friends. God bless them for all the unseen and behind the scene antics they do for us, often at great sacrifice and expense and expect nothing in return. Today has been another not so great journey and yet I have been given words of encouragement as I will list a little later.

I awoke tired and contemplated the day that awaited me, I desperately wanted to make contact with a friend, my rock, my conscience and counselor, but I couldn’t because I was concerned of ‘worrying’ her. So I went to work with a heavy heart and too much on my mind. I had been at work for perhaps half an hour and a message came through on my phone. It was her saying good morning and asking me how I was. This is what I am talking about, I was given the opportunity to express my fears and a friend had been there to listen.

I received other words of encouragement today, ‘it does get better’ and ‘when you’re going through hell remember to just keep going’.

Another couple who have been friends for over 23 years have insisted on buying me a return air ticket to Cape Town for a desperately needed break from Johannesburg, they also take my messages when I feel the walls closing in and encourage and help in too many ways to mention. My Irish friend, man, you have been through so much and yet you reached out to me from across the ocean and I had the privilege of having supper with you and chatting about life, loss, love, laughter and light at the end of a tunnel at some stage.

Oz holds another set of old friends who have not forgotten me as does Texas, Cape Town, Grahamstown, J’bay, PE, Pretoria, UK, Indonesia, Southern Cape and Stellenbosch. Not to mention Dr Toughlove and the family across the road that have adopted me.

Yes, I am tired of this journey and it has made me weary beyond words and yet it has taught me so much already. I have learnt that things are worthless and bring no joy or lasting satisfaction, love is not eternal but rather a gift that needs to be treasured and worked on. Blessings are all around us and it is our choice whether we open our eyes to see them or simply plod forward crushing dreams, feelings and loved ones in our pursuit of our wants.

I think what I learnt today can best be described as follows;
• Life is hard
• Divorce is a bastard
• Debt is self inflicted and cannot be avoided
• Life is worth living
• Friends are blessings that cannot be bought
• This is bigger than us
• Hell is a good place to grill a steak

And now I must have some supper, I have been listening to Jackson Browne – Running on Empty as I have been chatting to you.

Good Night my friends.