Is God Out to Get Me?

So they tried to steal my car again from work, the bastards in the process managed to damage my drivers door lock, ignition and I no longer have a reverse gear.

Not having reverse is a bit of a problem as I discovered on the way home as going back is not presently an option. Parking becomes a challenge and pushing is now officially my latest exercise routine. I can see it on the dvd shelves, "Dr Ted's Push Back Routine", a shove a day keeps the flab away, push more till its sore, you'll get tough if you push enough.

So is God out to get me? I would like to just blame Him and more on feeling sorry for myself, but bad things happen! That's it. I was angry, bitter and willing to kill if I found those oxygen thieves, I was also upset because they tried to steal my car and not one of my co-workers cars. Nice attitude right?

I am human, I stood there so mad at the world and God and everything and was thinking why the hell me?
Why can't I get a break?
I was on the verge of tears because of all this rage and it took me a while to calm down. It took a counselling session to put things in perspective and realise I still had my car, no-one had been injured and it was still driveable.
I don't have insurance because I can't afford it, I have no savings and I need my car to transport my girls and get to my vending machines that put food on the table. If I lose it I am about as effective as a clay pigeon served with roast vegetables.

I don't understand why or how and I don't think God is out to get me, if anything I am sure He feels as frustrated as I do about everything.

Keep smiling and good nite all

Refund Please

I want a full refund on today please!

It was not worth getting out of bed this morning, I should have stayed in bed, attached myself frantically to a passive pillow and just slept.

But no, against my better judgment, I awoke, got out of bed and pretended to treat this Tuesday like any other.

Big mistake.

My life currently is an emotional roller-coaster where I go from coping to straining and panicking to hiding from all and sundry. Today was a hiding from the world day and did I do that? No! I decided I would a hero, I would meet this day head on, use my best Billy Connolly accent, squint at Tuesday with my good eye and lick my lips in anticipation.

Tuesday ignored me like a sleeping dragon counting burning sheep.

So I bravely went about my usual business and all seemed to be normal. I didn't notice the tightening in my belly, or the hair on my neck raising and not even the dark looming shadow forming over me. Nope I was in lala land with the girl of my dreams and the wind blowing through our hair as we gazed over the ocean.

And then it hit me.

Hard. Clinical. Deathly.

I was brought to my knees and could feel the emotion build up in me. It had reached within me and ripped out my confidence, my hope, my dreams and any progress I felt I had made in this battle. I felt crippled. I felt shaken and defeated. I felt void of all emotion, hollow and dead.

I am now lying on my bed as I do not have the energy to get up and make supper. The radio is off and my head is ringing.

The only reason I am still even able to type this is due to my guardian angel, Super C who has patiently reassured me and encouraged me most of the day. When required, reality checks were thrown at me and I admitted to decisions that had added to make this situation worse, hard tough advice was given.

We all need a guardian angel in our lives and mine has kept me going through terrible times. Thank you Super C.

I am so weary now and it is only 17H36, I have no more to give today, could I have my refund please?

I have no music for today.

Therapy and Fixes

It starts with one good reason I don't know why doesn't really matter how hard I try . . .

Oh hello, didn't notice you there. It started with a session with Regan, first one in 3 weeks and interesting as well. Most intriguing part of the discussion' "How can you forgive others if you cannot forgive yourself".

Then work and it was hectic and busy and good, after work a little handyman attempt and then home to a soft leather couch. Unfortunately supper had to be considered, so liquidised the home made soup, heated some and froze some and then a long discussion with C.

Now I am weary and medicated and ready for the transition from awake to running with bunnies. Sigh.

Goodnight

25 June Friday

Paperwork paperwork and yup you guessed it, even more paperwork. By the time it was time to go home I was well and truly knackered.

Throw in a morning session with Regan and you are pretty well ready to go to sleep at 18h00.

I collected Simon and we went and got ingredients for supper including her choice of pudding, chocolate rolls. She loved her supper. Nicole is still battling with her tooth so she decided to stay with Mom.

But its Friday evening and I am ready for sleep.

So just a short one tonight, it was a good day.

Night all

11 June Friday

So I took a beating from R today, tough counseling session and took a lot of flack for missing a doctors appointment, hey C you tell it as it is and I admire you for that. Yes it hurts and sometimes the truth is not nice to face but it is what reminds me that this is still a long path.
I have my girls and a lovely afternoon with good friends and Bafana Bafana and a good meal with laughs, beer, wine and good coffee. Throw in a card game and music and you have the near perfect evening.

I know it is going to be hard and I know that I need to see the Doc soon to sort out the meds, chemical readjustment, mood equaliser, happy place to heal and grow again and so we need to get back to basics.
So cuddling with an angel and all is good tonight.

Good night all.