Describe your God

So what dont we talk about or discuss and never question, religion.
Why?
Well we may offend someone is we had to possibly suggest that our perception of God, Jesus, Buddha or Muhammed is different to theirs, I am sure I have already offended some because their Leader of the Faith was not mentioned.

So let me start by saying that I am Christian and have been so for many years, I have had many fights with the organised church because I dare to question ideas and habits that I feel are outdated and no longer relevant in our time. This can be seen as a rebellious streak that has spanned 29 years or perhaps I am just tired of power struggles and politics that always seems to rear itself in all areas where Man needs to elevate himself.

Describe Jesus as a man and what would you say, I believe he was about 6ft tall, muscular and strong from the years of physical labour and a skin that was darkened from the days in the sun. His hands would be similar to my father-in-laws, hard and calloused with many scars from years of earning his keep as a carpenter, his hair would have been short and dark and his eyes brown. He would have been a man, someone who was as comfortable eating a meal with a bunch of fellow workers as he would have been in the presence of couples and families. He was a devout Jew and I am sure he was raised in their customs and ways.
Here is the crunch, is this what he looked like, was he tall and blond with long hair, was he black or white or something in-between  I dont care, to me it is the same as a friend of mine, I do not love them because of where they came from or what they wear or drive, I do not love them or despise them because they are beautiful or ordinary or harsh on the eye. I love them for who they are, it is something I have attempted in instil in my daughters lives and I pray it will remain with them as they mature and leave home.

Where would I find one as Jesus, would it be in an office, or a middle to upper class society? Would it be in a beautiful building or temple used for worship on a specific day of the week, I think not. The person who I believe has had the most humble yet effective life in our era was non other than Mother Theresa. She lived with those who had nothing, shared and cared and embraced a life with no luxuries and comforts, this where I would expect to find Jesus if He was around today.

My reasons for not attending church are not in the slightest pure and noble or even spiritual, they are logistical and selfish, I choose to spend the time in South Africa with my daughters and in Lesotho I have not found what I am looking for. I dont want to be a white collar Christian and attend an organisation where my 10 or 15% is required to grow that building and its administrators, I want to see it go to the folk who get their hands and knees dirty.

Rather do something once a year and embrace it than visit a club and be comfortable in a habit that clears your conscience for a week.

Nite All

December Beckons

I started writing this blog under a heading entitled "Lovers" and then I basically ran out of words of the positive nature.
Why?
Well I contemplated that as we approached Christmas, it was the time that more suicides are committed than any other time of the year, so I have decided to entitle it "Surviving Christmas".

My first 2 Christmas's after my divorce were absolute hell and I longed for the day to end and for folk to leave me alone, I could see through their smiles as their eyes told me that they felt sorry for me. It was a time where was it not for my beautiful Simon and Nicole, I would have fled and just kept running.
However, friends embraced us, they welcomed us into their homes and they acted normally and didnt make a fuss over us, they allowed us to hide, blend into the shadows and withdraw when it became too much.
My 3rd Christmas was much better and I was able to interact and my girls and I smiled and joined in, we had found our niche and our reduction from 4 to 3 was now stronger than ever, bless you Brian, Dee, Zane and Trav.

Financially the past three years have been all about survival and in most cases we were not even able to give gifts, this for me was a humbling experience as I battled to receive and not return the favour. On reflection it was a time where I truly learnt more in that period of my life about grace, love, compassion and God working through people as they blessed us with gifts, love and even food.Our first Christmas together was 2 weeks after the divorce and I was so broke that homeless folk slept better than I, I had no home a Fiat Uno with all my worldly possessions in it and we were housesitting a friend of a friends home. A friend took me off to Pick and Pay and bought us groceries for the holidays so that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding my girls. I will never forget that.

So this year, my wish for you and me is the same, find some friends, family or loved ones. If you have none of these then make an extra plate or two of food and drop them off with folk who would appreciate them, any old age home will have forgotten folk who will welcome sharing a cup of tea with you.

I plan to visit my folks, my Dad with advanced Parkinsons no longer remembers me and it pains me to see him in this state, but the memories are so alive and filled with love that it will be great to see him. My Mom is the rock that has and still does keep us as a family together and I have so much love and respect for her.

Dont leave it till the last minute, start your planning now and make it a Christmas to remember.


Nite All

My Girls

I sometimes have a need to write and just clear my head of the little chaos that is currently weighing me down, I have 2 sounding boards and will reflect my thoughts and let me actually hear what I am saying.
When I have spoken to Regan or Candy, I come away with some of the mess and wandering philosophies boxed and stored in a system I am able to make sense of.

I am not the easiest person to live or work with, ask my ex-wife and I am sure she will oblige, I strive for perfection and the word "anal" has been raised on more than one occasion. I am however generous to the point of stupidity and loyal as a dog and expect nothing except a thank you in return.  My latest concern has been my girls, two beautiful loving individuals who are blossoming into young ladies and have a grip on my heart so tight I could cry just thinking of them.

Simon turns sixteen shortly, she is bundle of teenage energy, master of accents and baker of note. She has the potential for greatness and I pray for her to find the right person to share this with. Show her a cookbook or the cooking channel and she will sit under her blanket and absorb and make shopping lists of "essential" ingredients as she does.
Nicole is my baby and my fighter, she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is passionate about her decisions right or wrong. She has also challenged many of my grey areas of beliefs and ideas and shattered them beyond recognition. When she decided to date across the racial line, it was time for me to reconsider my comfort zones regarding my princesses, and when my girls sat with me and discussed it and we shared our ideas I felt truly blessed to have them as my girls.

As they have grown and their independence and personalities have become more evident, I have been able to open myself to a different view and outlook on life. One should never underestimate the many ways God will reach out to us and prompt us to question what is acceptable and what needs to be challenged and perhaps thrown out if it is unfounded.

So in short, thank you my girls for your input into my life and keeping me on my toes mentally and emotionally, Daddy loves you more than you can ever imagine. Our relationship has been one of the blessings from my divorce.

Nite all

Second Chances

You have two options in life, do it or think about it and never do anything about it.

Doing it results in yourself being open to hurt, rejected or elation and adventure. So what will you do?

I tried to play by the recognised timelines and theology that time heals all pain and the best will be rejuvenated and possibly even superseded, I waited because initially I was incapable of giving and would have ventured into areas I had no concept of knowing how to deal with.

Let me explain.

When I first realised that I no longer loved my ex which was about a year after the divorce, I had two huge dilemmas to overcome. The first was that I had loved her for so long after the divorce and secondly whether I was ever able to love again. Love doesn't die overnight, it fades and slowly wilts like a flower deprived of water or a dead fish hidden under the couch of someone who did you wrong. When the realisation dawns that it is dead, you either live with the shrivelled memory or you replace it with a better memory, aalmost like brushing your teeth after eating a brussel sprout covered in chocolate.

It is hard to lose faith in something, be it God, life, love or happiness and resign yourself to accepting the alternative as your new standard. God never left me, He simply needed me to stop shouting long enough to get a word in and that whisper was enough. Life means getting up no matter how difficult and soul destroying the day ahead seems and somehow facing it despite the consequences.

Love, well the harsh reality is that it may take a lot of failed dates before you find someone who will accept you as you are, you might still be looking and even reach a stage where you say "Enough".

My plea is simply to keep looking and take that chance.

Why? Because a day of smiles and laughter is worth a month of pain.

Because sunlight after a week or month of rain brings smiles and happiness.

Because you deserve better, a new chance, hope and a reason to fall asleep with a smile on your face.

Nite All

Shopping on a Prayer

I have to state that this eating 3 times a day 7 days a week does not agree with my budget in the slightest.

Milk is cow juice and cows eat grass that grows everywhere for free!
Why the heck does it cost so much and all its by products like butter, cheese and cream are not aluminium plated or wrapped in newspaper.

Have you had slight tremors and held your breathe as the teller rings them up with the passion of a serial terrorist bomber heading off to lala land.
Then the shock!
You fight back the tears and hand over your little plastic card and religiously chant as you wait for the machine to dial your bank. Please go through please go through.

I have a theory that more prayers are said at check out counters than any churches or religious centres. What does God do when He gets this flood of prayers and checks his Godberry to confirm that it is not in fact Sunday 09h30 but a weekday at 17h30?

I can only afford to have supper on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and every alternate Sunday. Judging by my above average waist, minute compared to Sumo wrestlers, it may be assumed I steal from orphanages on the other days.

A friend told me to floss carefully and then hang the dental floss out to dry. The little string of flossbits apparently provide substantial protein for that last week before payday.
I do believe I have just lost my appetite.

Nite all.

God, Gears and Good Friends

My day started with my girls pushing my car as we turned it around to drive forward, it was a classical "you might be a redneck if your daughters push your car cos reverse don't work" day.

I went for a haircut to try and change my mood, I partially paid my chemist account and had a cuppachino with a friend.
Then the day turned like a cat falling to the ground, Shane fixed my gears, his Mom gave me hope for financial recovery and I found my medicated sunglasses that make me look as cool as Michael Jackson doing a really hot Pepsi advert.

"C" added a new power word to my counselling and the word for today class is "perspective".
Basically life is hard, but smell the mould and realise that at least you don't have to water it.
If there is poo on the floor be glad its not on the ceiling and when you don't have reverse gear, use the five other gears you DO have.

God doesn't beat us with a stick, we are not in this mess alone and when life gets really difficult, well its ok to feel tired and admit it. To say you've had enough or can't take anymore is fine, to break down and have that emotional meltdown is fine and who the hell cares what people think. This is the hard one for me, I am so driven to put on the happy face and smile and crack jokes when inside I am broken. Forgive me but I am trying.

Yes God cares, yes He comforts and yes He longs for more from us.
I want my girls to open up to me, to be honest with me even when it hurts and to laugh and wrestle and tell me they love me. Which parent wouldn't want that? Do we ever say that or do we just mutter and grumble when things don't go our way?

The curving road is longer, but also more scenic if we remove our self pity blinkers and marvel at the beauty around us. I really want to try that.

Good nite all.

Is God Out to Get Me?

So they tried to steal my car again from work, the bastards in the process managed to damage my drivers door lock, ignition and I no longer have a reverse gear.

Not having reverse is a bit of a problem as I discovered on the way home as going back is not presently an option. Parking becomes a challenge and pushing is now officially my latest exercise routine. I can see it on the dvd shelves, "Dr Ted's Push Back Routine", a shove a day keeps the flab away, push more till its sore, you'll get tough if you push enough.

So is God out to get me? I would like to just blame Him and more on feeling sorry for myself, but bad things happen! That's it. I was angry, bitter and willing to kill if I found those oxygen thieves, I was also upset because they tried to steal my car and not one of my co-workers cars. Nice attitude right?

I am human, I stood there so mad at the world and God and everything and was thinking why the hell me?
Why can't I get a break?
I was on the verge of tears because of all this rage and it took me a while to calm down. It took a counselling session to put things in perspective and realise I still had my car, no-one had been injured and it was still driveable.
I don't have insurance because I can't afford it, I have no savings and I need my car to transport my girls and get to my vending machines that put food on the table. If I lose it I am about as effective as a clay pigeon served with roast vegetables.

I don't understand why or how and I don't think God is out to get me, if anything I am sure He feels as frustrated as I do about everything.

Keep smiling and good nite all

Sunday Sunday bright and sunny,
Awoken by my girls but my tummy felt funny
Went for a walk and Smau's excellent breakfast
Then resting and lazing and thinking of the past
Well the kitchen floor needed a clean
And better wash some clothes and my favourite jeans
Now lying on the couch and my eyes grow weary
Too lazy to arise and fetch me a beery

What? It does rhyme with 'weary'

So it has been a couple of days and I have been drowning myself in Series to forget about life. Truth is I am simply killing time and then battling to sleep at night. It seems we cannot outrun our demons, they follow us and come knocking when we try and rest. Not even meds help, so you supermed and then battle a little at work. You try and live at work when you should be working, you overthink and over analyze and basically everything suffers.

Then it takes a sms from your work partner to remind you that your job in fact pays for all the crap you need to keep the show on the road. What show, the one that leads you through this wilderness of confused emotions and scars. For the wounds to heal you need time, time heals all wounds and yes there will be scars. A scar can either be a painful reminder of a wound or it can be a real life tattoo brought about by part of the adventure called life.

What do you see? A corpse, rotten, dead, smelly and decaying or as C put it today, an angel. The angel promises hope, comfort, light and opportunity. I remind myself God doesn't make spelling mistakes, He sometimes just let's us see it all from another angle.

I am coping and am not afraid to say that it is not all a bed of duck feathers! Sorry but I am not resting my delicate bottom on a bed of thorny roses, no Sir.

I need to try and focus and find those 3 positive things a day to keep myself moving forward.

Today its, angel, strawberry juice and talking to my girls through a steel fence.

Good Night