December Beckons

I started writing this blog under a heading entitled "Lovers" and then I basically ran out of words of the positive nature.
Why?
Well I contemplated that as we approached Christmas, it was the time that more suicides are committed than any other time of the year, so I have decided to entitle it "Surviving Christmas".

My first 2 Christmas's after my divorce were absolute hell and I longed for the day to end and for folk to leave me alone, I could see through their smiles as their eyes told me that they felt sorry for me. It was a time where was it not for my beautiful Simon and Nicole, I would have fled and just kept running.
However, friends embraced us, they welcomed us into their homes and they acted normally and didnt make a fuss over us, they allowed us to hide, blend into the shadows and withdraw when it became too much.
My 3rd Christmas was much better and I was able to interact and my girls and I smiled and joined in, we had found our niche and our reduction from 4 to 3 was now stronger than ever, bless you Brian, Dee, Zane and Trav.

Financially the past three years have been all about survival and in most cases we were not even able to give gifts, this for me was a humbling experience as I battled to receive and not return the favour. On reflection it was a time where I truly learnt more in that period of my life about grace, love, compassion and God working through people as they blessed us with gifts, love and even food.Our first Christmas together was 2 weeks after the divorce and I was so broke that homeless folk slept better than I, I had no home a Fiat Uno with all my worldly possessions in it and we were housesitting a friend of a friends home. A friend took me off to Pick and Pay and bought us groceries for the holidays so that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding my girls. I will never forget that.

So this year, my wish for you and me is the same, find some friends, family or loved ones. If you have none of these then make an extra plate or two of food and drop them off with folk who would appreciate them, any old age home will have forgotten folk who will welcome sharing a cup of tea with you.

I plan to visit my folks, my Dad with advanced Parkinsons no longer remembers me and it pains me to see him in this state, but the memories are so alive and filled with love that it will be great to see him. My Mom is the rock that has and still does keep us as a family together and I have so much love and respect for her.

Dont leave it till the last minute, start your planning now and make it a Christmas to remember.


Nite All

Cuddling Dilemna

I am asking for opinions here and in particular from my female friends.
My question is the following, "Is it possible to have a cuddle buddy"?

It is winter and it is a time for fireplaces, red wine, Nora Jones and cuddling and chatting, it is definitely not a time to be alone unless you have two or three good books. Maybe you are a Kindle person as such are electronically bound to some me time.


I am not.

I need people and in particular do not want to be alone at the moment, I don't see the problem with a cuddle buddy, but maybe I am being selfish.
Is cuddling too intimate?
Is it only possible to cuddle with a partner that you are in a relationship, sexual or not, with or is it possible to snuggle with a friend or even a stranger?

How would a woman feel threatened if asked by a male friend to cuddle?

I have noticed that people do not seem to hug as much as they did 10 years ago, are we now moving to a society where we have less contact with humans and prefer to deal and communicate electronically? Has Apple and Blackberry killed off popping in for coffee and a chat?

So in closing, will you cuddle with me?

Nite All

Christmas for Singles

Does it seem that the Christmas period is one of the more difficult times when you are single?
By single I mean divorced, widowed or without a partner.

It is definitely a time for couples and family and somehow the singles get left aside.

I don't think it gets done on purpose, it just seems easier to entertain couples and not have lose ends hanging about. I battle to impose myself on friends and seem to withdraw even more in the safety of my cocoon of safety. It is also a time for family and if you are not able to be close to family, I fully understand what you are experiencing. So automatically I dread this time of year and find myself tensing even as I write about it.


I am tired of watching Series and have seen all the latest rentable movies, Facebook does not intrigue me and words like bored seem to appear.

I apologise for not being funny or uptempo, I shall leave you be. Perhaps tomorrow I will embrace all and do my impression of the Riverdance down the corridor.

Nite all

Alone is Ok!

Candy told me that there would be a point where I would no longer dread the loneliness and accept being alone as a time where I could relax. She also told me that this would become a time I would treasure and even look forward to.

As it is in most cases with her, she was correct. But let's go back a step or two.

I have always been someone who has been surrounded by people, a family of 6 growing up, team sports, the army, my own family unit of 4. I have never been alone and as such when my marriage ended I was not only devastated, I was also completely alone for the first time in my life. It scared me to the point where I was even unable to sleep without a light on.

The silence haunted me and made me panic with what if scenarios and eventually drove me to the point of madness. But that is the past.

Two very important truths were pointed out to me, one was that I would be able to be alone and not be lonely and two, that I had to learn to love myself again. This is not the sort of Johnny Bravo "Hey pretty Mama wanna come up to my room and see my pretty muscles" love. It is an acceptance of who I am, an ability to love the man in the mirror warts and all. It is the ability to see the wrinkles and accept them as life lines or laugh lines, a change of perspective and willingness to forgive myself and then in time others. I must be able to love the man in the mirror before I can truly love another.

What we project is also what we attract, project anger and inveribly it will come to meet you, live and love life and you will attract people to you because they want to share in your joy. By accepting who you are and striving to be a better person for unselfish reasons, you will attract love and warmth.

So tonight, remember that "Alone is ok".

Flu for One

Its not as cool or exotic as it sounds, in fact its very similar to calling a middle aged man a bachelor, it is either a choice he made and has as such accepted and content with. On the other hand if you are a bachelor because of divorce or death or some other fate that life has dealt you, then it has a completely different connotation altogether.

Being ill in a family enviroment brings back memories of people checking up on you, tucking you in your bed and smells of coffee, home made soup and a faithful dog next to your bed. A voice asking quietly " how you feeling Daddy".

It is slightly different now.

You are alone in your home, inveribly you have downsized your living space accordingly not by choice, you no longer have your dog.

Waking up to the smell of coffee or home made soup doesn't happen, maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself or perhaps I am just sick and worn out.

I wonder how many of you have felt the same and who cannot comprehend this because you have someone who loves and cares for you. You are truly blessed. Appreciate them and thank them even if its just a hug.

For my special friend who messages me to see how I am doing, bless you.

Nite all

Valentines Day

What do you think of when you think of Valentines Day?
What is the impression that strikes you and leaves an imprint in your mind?
Do you celebrate Valentines Day?

In my mind I see red everywhere, red roses, red hearts, red gifts and even the chocolate is wrapped in red.
I see love and it dawns on me that love has no prejudices, it is old and it is young, it is black and it is white, it is silent and yet it screams from the mountains. It is a song, a poem, a touch and sometimes simply a look shared across a room.
It can cross oceans and even death cannot destroy it.
It is innocent and gentle and it can heal the most tragic hurt soul, it whispers like a breeze through a forest and strokes our hearts like a mother caressing her newborn.

I used to believe it was simply a commercial endeavour and yet I partook in it. But if it gives us a reason to forget about life and its challenges and focus our attention and love on someone other than ourselves, then I am for it.

Will I be celebrating it this year, I wish I could say yes. I wish I could be that someone special to someone who is away from me. I wish I could hold hands with her as we lie on our backs on a beach looking at the stars. I wish I could kiss her gently on her lips and whisper something cheesy like " you are the milk in my cereal".

I know it will not be an easy day for me and if you like me have no-one to share it with, maybe have a glass of red wine, a warm bath and something special for dessert.

Good Nite all.

Lapses in Life

Have you ever felt like you have forgotten something really important? It starts off as a mild itch and finally it is a huge sneeze that makes you stop and say "That's it, I need to remember what it is".

So you start your check;
1 - belt - there
2 - underwear - there
3 - watch - there
4 - wallet - there
5 - matching shoes - there (don't laugh I once arrived at work wearing one black and one brown shoe)
6 - miniature frozen penguin keyring - only kidding just checking you're still with me.

It was only when I walked into the office and someone asked me if I had tried to skin myself alive that it dawned on me.
I had cut myself shaving a few times that morning because I was using a really cheap razor and had been too stubborn to change halfway. I looked like a walking post-stic memo board. These were the days where I had no hair and shaved my head as well. The little pieces of toilet paper were still all over my head.

This is more likely to happen if you are single or divorced as you don't have someone special to see you off in the morning with a hug and a kiss.
Then off to our hamster routine and hours of running on our treadmill before we arrive home tired.

The joy of divorce is that you can come home and you can chill, eat supper if you want to, lie on your bed and not feel guilty, have a bath or not and read the newspaper or a magazine uninterrupted. You have the freedom to decide what you want to do.

If your brain does short circuit and you momentarily forget where you are, it doesn't matter, reality will be waiting for you when you return. I have 2 daughters, beautiful girls so uniquely different in appearance and personality and yet I forget their names or get them confused with each other.

I regularly forget a password or important date and this is really going to rock your socks off, it doesn't matter, life carries on.

I get so disturbed by the little things that I sometimes forget the bigger picture, get distracted and lose focus and need to either bump my head to get it back in order or hear that "friggen hell Ted" shake me back to reality.

Basically, life doesnt wait for you, but the amazing part is you can join in and carry on pretty effortlessly. Its not a race but a journey.

Good Nite All

Coffee for One

Friday night, a series and making filter coffee for one.
Sad, well perhaps but simple and sweet as well.

I have almost been divorced for a year and Friday nights have taken on a completely different meaning, with my girls they are hugs and cuddles and warm moments that would melt a marshmellow man. Then there are the other ones where you are a little lonely, a tad sad with a hint of optimism.

I was told over a pork chop to lighten up my blog a little, so here goes; by the power not vested in me I now pronounce this blog light!

When I think of light I think of girls beer, thin sickly looking models and hospitals that are white and light! There is a sickly pale sadness about that pure white light, it reminds me of cancer and CAT scans and I don't want to go there.

I want to dance the night away, sit on a beach and hear the waves roll in, sit beside a fireplace in winter and drink hot chocolate on a winters night sitting under a blanket watching the moon.
I would prefer not to do this alone.

Coffee for one.

Lonely or peaceful. Sad or satisfied. Depressed or thoughtful.

Am I encouraged that I am not the only one in the world that feels this way or simply sad because I would not mind being with one of those people tonight. Perhaps just perhaps one day the will be 'Coffee for Two'

Good nite

Waves

I am amazed at the adventure we refer to as life and the manner it to seek out the weak from the strong.

I see it as being on the beach and playing in the waves, very seldom do we do it alone and hardly ever do we see all the potential dangers.

Humour me a bit here, imagine you are a child of say eight, playing in the waves. There is no greater feeling of pure raw fun, salty water in your eyes, the sun hot and the water cool and refreshing. Then out of nowhere you are distracted and a wave knocks you over, because you weren't watching your back it got you. Down you go and the wave roughs you up a little, maybe you swallow a little water. You struggle to your feet and a little confused and shocked you try and collect yourself, but before you can a slightly larger wave knocks you and this time holds you down a little longer. You emerge gasping for air and coughing, maybe a little disorientated and most of your confidence dissipated, vision blurry and fear and the first signs of panic have set in. You might even be on the verge of crying at this point.

As the next wave attacks and bullies you raw panic and fear set in and now you're in serious trouble! But here is the really cool part, as the wave hits, you feel strong arms lift you, cradle you to a warm chest and lift you out of the water. A soothing voice, strong and comforting says your name and tells you it is all ok and not to worry, you are safe now. You bury your head in the chest and sob with relief. The voice continues to comfort and soon you are on the beach, a towel wrapped around you, he is stroking your hair and kissing your forehead and you feel safe.

Those waves have a way of beating you and throwing you about, they pull you under, scare and confuse you and will ultimately kill you. But you are not alone in all of this, you do not have to face it all one on one.

We have the choice and in my case, swimming alone is no longer an option I choose. I am tired of fighting the ocean, it just wears you down, tires you and then it is too late.

Good night

Sunday Silence

Background music, ABBA greatest hits. No I am not at home!

It seems to be a Sunday where messages are sent and are not answered, maybe a good point as I do not see myself as suitable conversational material yet today.


I woke up tired after a good night sleep and had to really motivate myself to get up and have a shave and russle up clothing. Jeans, sneakers, golf shirt and hoodie and a stroll to the chemist to get the goodies.

My pharmacist is in his late fifties early sixties, wears a toupe and thinks he is God's gift to woman. He is overweight and has moustache that will strain all the meat from a bowl of soup. He smokes in his pharmacy and oh crap let's just cut all the niceties and bullshit.

Here's the truth, I hate Sundays.
Ultimately they are family days and times for friends, families and lovers to spend together. I am alone. Anywhere I go I am alone. If I arrive at a friends home I feel the odd one out. I feel even more lonely in shopping centres and going to the movies alone is not a good idea. The term 'odd one out' comes to mind.

I have yet to find a way to constructively 'enjoy' a Sunday since my lifestyle change and am still attempting to find the perfect plan for the perfect Sunday.

If there isn't such a thing I plan on seeking a place of peace, somewhere I can be content and where sorrow is replaced with understanding.

Thank you

Saturday and a Hug

Its Saturday. Early Dr's visit with Simon and then off to the pharmacy followed by breakfast at Smau's which was awesome.

Home, homework for Simon and TV for Nicole.
Dad on couch.
Complicated?
Nope its Saturday.

This is a day for lying back, for smiling, eating too much and spending it with the ones you love. A day to eat prego rolls and boerewors rolls so juicy the sauce runs down your chin, vegetable pesto pasta, pizza with hot stringy mozzarella or fried chicken and couscous salad with a crispy white wine.

If you have a partner, make them a cup of tea or coffee and hold hands as you stroll together, forget about the world and its madness for a while, imagine the 2 of you are alone and kiss is public because you just love life more than the strangers stares and giggles around you.

I see families rushing through life and so intent on doing life they forget to live life. Go to a busy coffee shop in a shopping centre and order something to drink and just watch people. See if you can spot the lovers, the workers, the sad and lonely, the hurt, the tired and the bitter.

What concerns me is that the only ones holding hands and paying real attention to their partners are the young and the retired. The inbetweeners are in the fast lane, hooting profusely and overtaking each other with spittle and sweat flying. We are racing towards divorce, nervous breakdowns, ulcers, heart attacks, cancer and debt. We have to slow down. We have to take an inventory of our priorities in lives and decide whether we want to change lanes or stay on the current route.

I chose unwisely and have the scars and divorce agreement to bear for it. It was never enough. To spare you the whole boring saga, divorce came, it took, destroyed and left it ruins behind.

The path forward has been difficult but not without its blessings and intervention of incredible people guided into my path.

Enough for tonight, if you with someone you love at the moment, give them a hug, a kiss and a smile.

Good night all.