New Love

When I first began my blogging it was a survival mechanism for keeping the demons at bay and allowing me to try and find some method in the madness and destruction of divorce. It seemed to grow and take momentum and I found that there was a certain therapuutical peace and understanding that came from sharing my darkest voyages.

This is not one of those blogs.

From the wounded soul I was able to heal and grow and most importantly accept what had happened, my girls and I found safety in a family unit of 3 and we shared in a manner I am truly blessed about.

I dabbled briefly in dating and reached a stage where I accepted that perhaps this was not meant to be for now. So I plowed my energy into my girls, friends and studying.

And then it happened.

I received an invitation for coffee from a lady I had never met. I was a little nervous and had no idea what to expect. I figured coffee was an hour at the most and then I could escape. We met, we chatted, we drank cuppachinos and I studied her without trying to get caught. Her smile reached all the way to her eyes and was as infectious as a yawn, her hands were beautiful and well manicured and she had a glow about her skin. My mouth felt a little dry and I hoped I would not open my mouth and no words would come out. I held my hands together lest she saw that I was shaking ever so slightly. It was a gloriously amazing coffee encounter.

We parted and I felt as if a part of me had left with her.
I knew that I had to see her again, I had to hold her hand and if the gods granted me one final wish, it would be to kiss her.
That was 2 months ago, her 6 year old daughter and I seemed to gel from our first meeting and my girls "approve" of the new lady in my life. I expected to lose her when my sudden departure to Lesotho appeared like a pimple on the evening of a date, I even offered her a "get out of jail free" card. Simply put, I would allow her to walk away from me with no hard feelings, fortunately she declined.

Having someone in your life that you can share with, chat to and cuddle when you camt stop smiling or crying is possibly one of life's greatest blessings. To love and be loved is beyond description.

It has been 3 years since my life crumbled to its core, but from that brokeness has arisen something so special and beautiful that it makes the journey through hell worthwhile.

Bless all of you who have encouraged, supported, cared for prayed for my girls and I. Thank you seems such an unworthy response for what it means to us.

To my two new ladies in my life, you are so much more than I ever expected or deserved.

Nite all

Tech Free

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I am now on round 2 of antibiotics and I can hear all the treehuggers cringe in mock horror. The vegans are covering their pet chickens ears and the carnivores have added more gravy to their lamb chops.

Whatever happened to waking up and bouncing out of bed?
When did 4 of the days of the week feel like Monday and weekends pass quicker than a baked bean through Granddad’s system?

Our glorified rat race has bred a superlinked ultra technological hungry need to know what is happening all the time lab rat, not only can we not escape to peace and quiet, we have convinced ourselves that if we are not contactable 24/7 we might miss something.
Let me relay one of the dangers that has arisen.
When we were children, we would get on our bikes, disappear with our friends and return before dark or face the wrath of Mother. Now the wrath of Mother was far worse that todays equivalent of your Blackberry battery dying at school, or missing a crucial episode of Oprah or even worse,  committing social suicide by going to the mall and Dad decides to skip along like little Red Riding Hood from shop to shop.

We live in a world where appearance and image are placed next to if not higher than godliness, status is the god of our era.
I should add that I am not innocent here, I love technology and there are toys that I have considered giving my good kidney for. A SLR camera, a laptop that works, things that ping and sing, sigh.
Is it possible to withdraw into the 1930’s for a weekend, from a Friday afternoon till a Monday morning with nothing that requires a battery or electricity. Spend time either alone or someone close and sit around a fire at night, read a book, a real book. Lie in a hammock and just listen to life, sip a beverage and forget about life and its worries for a while.

I have to get away from it all, gather my thoughts and decide what is important and what needs to be cut loose so it can drift away.
Anyone keen on a techno-free weekend getaway? Apply within.

Nite All

Tech Free

Lapses in Life

Have you ever felt like you have forgotten something really important? It starts off as a mild itch and finally it is a huge sneeze that makes you stop and say "That's it, I need to remember what it is".

So you start your check;
1 - belt - there
2 - underwear - there
3 - watch - there
4 - wallet - there
5 - matching shoes - there (don't laugh I once arrived at work wearing one black and one brown shoe)
6 - miniature frozen penguin keyring - only kidding just checking you're still with me.

It was only when I walked into the office and someone asked me if I had tried to skin myself alive that it dawned on me.
I had cut myself shaving a few times that morning because I was using a really cheap razor and had been too stubborn to change halfway. I looked like a walking post-stic memo board. These were the days where I had no hair and shaved my head as well. The little pieces of toilet paper were still all over my head.

This is more likely to happen if you are single or divorced as you don't have someone special to see you off in the morning with a hug and a kiss.
Then off to our hamster routine and hours of running on our treadmill before we arrive home tired.

The joy of divorce is that you can come home and you can chill, eat supper if you want to, lie on your bed and not feel guilty, have a bath or not and read the newspaper or a magazine uninterrupted. You have the freedom to decide what you want to do.

If your brain does short circuit and you momentarily forget where you are, it doesn't matter, reality will be waiting for you when you return. I have 2 daughters, beautiful girls so uniquely different in appearance and personality and yet I forget their names or get them confused with each other.

I regularly forget a password or important date and this is really going to rock your socks off, it doesn't matter, life carries on.

I get so disturbed by the little things that I sometimes forget the bigger picture, get distracted and lose focus and need to either bump my head to get it back in order or hear that "friggen hell Ted" shake me back to reality.

Basically, life doesnt wait for you, but the amazing part is you can join in and carry on pretty effortlessly. Its not a race but a journey.

Good Nite All

A Date With 2011

I have been told by an amazing friend that I am too critical and hard on myself, I take criticism to heart and am very quick to accept blame for situations.

I believe it comes from being very driven as a young sportsman at school, I did well and was satisfied but was very hard on myself.

Somehow in my marriage I felt I had to prove what a good husband and father I was. My family wanted for nothing and in the process I created a debt hole I am still stuck in. I took on all the debt in my divorce and let my ex-wife take most of the furniture for her and my girls.

So enough of the past, what does 2011 hold for me and what the heck am I going to do with the debt. I was keen to auction it all to the highest bidder, but somehow not even Willy Wonka could pull that off.

So I need a date with 2011, to get a better understanding of her needs and behaviour. Perhaps I will learn of some manner that she can assist me with my previous relationship with a lady called Debt. The future will be determined by using what 2011 offers and using what Debt taught me (and scarred me).

And the resolution and outcome?

No idea yet but watch this space.

Chow all

The Road Ahead

How do I set myself free from my past, how do I move on and turn my back on the facts and memories that have made me who I am today. If they shaped me and have created the person I am, is that enough or does life have more to offer.

The truth is that I need to move past the divorce and the affair and somehow allow the changes to take place that will allow me to be the person I am meant to be. Better, healthier, more balanced, healed with a more balanced appreciation of who I am meant to be.

If we stop living and refuse to grow, we begin to die. There is no limbo state.
If you exercise you become fit, if you don't your muscles begin to disintegrate. So the question is simply, do I want to hang to the past or accept that a new reality with opportunities await me?
Will I be hurt? Yes
Will I be happy? Sometimes
Will I love again? Maybe

It is not whether I will have it all or live a life deprived of certain aspects, it is that I need myself to be allowed to be changed by the experiences and let my mistakes make me realise I have to change. I cannot enter a new relationship with all this baggage, it is not fair on the other person. I am a new person in the making, I need companionship though I long for intimacy.

What I seek now I cannot have for I am not able to deal with it.

So the journey continues.

Nite all

Wall

There is a place inside of us that we protect, some call it our soul, others our core, our most secret place that very few of us dare to share with anyone. Sometimes we never share it with anyone, it remains so sacred to us that we may live in fear of it ever being revealed.

It is what gives us our ability to make decisions, weigh up consequences and ultimately decide whether our choice is morally and ethically correct. We can justify any decision and argue that it is as it needs to be, yet in this place, here we know the true answer. We cannot deceive ourselves.

When we decide to have children and introduce them into a world where we are essentially regarded as a sensual creature who is entitled to the commercial toys that are dangled in front of us like a puddle lures a 10 year old en route to school in his brand new school shoes, so we are drawn in. We convince one another that we are entitled to it and almost cannot stop ourselves licking our lips as we acquire it, feel it, own it or more accurately let it own us.

We seek inner peace, contentment and somehow we are almost just trying to forgive ourselves for our own transgression against no one but ourselves. Meditation enables us to somehow slow it all down. Let the chaos and panic somehow slow down that we can address certain issues and perhaps understand and put some it in perspective. Peace is the answer, the route to it is entirely your decision, not your partners, not your friends, not your parents and not your priest or spiritual teacher. Ultimately they will all impart knowledge and advice, but the decision is your alone and as such so are the consequences of your decision.

Good night

Sunday Silence

Background music, ABBA greatest hits. No I am not at home!

It seems to be a Sunday where messages are sent and are not answered, maybe a good point as I do not see myself as suitable conversational material yet today.


I woke up tired after a good night sleep and had to really motivate myself to get up and have a shave and russle up clothing. Jeans, sneakers, golf shirt and hoodie and a stroll to the chemist to get the goodies.

My pharmacist is in his late fifties early sixties, wears a toupe and thinks he is God's gift to woman. He is overweight and has moustache that will strain all the meat from a bowl of soup. He smokes in his pharmacy and oh crap let's just cut all the niceties and bullshit.

Here's the truth, I hate Sundays.
Ultimately they are family days and times for friends, families and lovers to spend together. I am alone. Anywhere I go I am alone. If I arrive at a friends home I feel the odd one out. I feel even more lonely in shopping centres and going to the movies alone is not a good idea. The term 'odd one out' comes to mind.

I have yet to find a way to constructively 'enjoy' a Sunday since my lifestyle change and am still attempting to find the perfect plan for the perfect Sunday.

If there isn't such a thing I plan on seeking a place of peace, somewhere I can be content and where sorrow is replaced with understanding.

Thank you