More than Coffee

There is a part of me that embraces the single life and single parenting because of the quality time spent with my girls, the time together is so precious that it seems to fly by quicker than a Sunday afternoon.
The fact that we can up and go and breeze into all shops and just chill is perhaps selfish at times but appreciated and adored by the three of us. We do not gladly share this time as it is ours and no we feel no guilt in saying this.
I have my flat or room to myself depending on whether I am in South Africa or Lesotho and the freedom has allowed me to ponder and philosophise about life and where it suddenly turned on me and how I managed to somehow emerge face side up. The positives is that with the help of some amazing friends, family and chemical additives I am still standing.

However, there is another side to all of this.

I live from month to month and as C so rightly informed me, so does most of the population in this country let alone the world. So what am I moaning about this time? Well, it is the reality that I am not invincible, not bullet proof and have taken a fair knock in the past 8 years, I smile, joke and tease a lot yet when I retreat into the privacy of my man cave I ponder on the future and the image I have needs some rainbows, a dawning of Aquarius and a Winnie the Pooh outlook on life. Below I have added a few that seem pertinent to me at the moment;

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.” 

So, where does that leave me, well in survival mode I suppose and yes we are allowed to have a good whinge about life and how we sometimes want to through the towel in, the fact that I am able to rise and go to Work Another Day does not make me James Bond, it just makes me a single parent. Someone who like billions of others gets frustrated, tired and has good days and others where he just wants to get back into bed and hide under the covers.

My Simon finishes school next year and Nicole is 2 years behind, as I do what I can to prepare them for the next adventure in their lives, it has forced me to accept certain realities such as seeing less of them. Being alone and independent has created methods of coping such as hiding our true emotions from others and smiling so that you dont have to face the inevitable "Are you ok?"

So how do I conclude this essay of despair and self pity, well lets just say that I am not alone in it all and there are glimmers of beauty that beckon. So all in all its one of those days where I require more than coffee.




Nite All.

Dark Chocolate World

I love dark chocolate. Slightly bitter, strong as tequila and as black as a politicians heart.
It relaxes me and helps me contemplate life, love and my spiritual journey.

I have hit a low in two of them and the recurring mantra that rocks my brain and logic is "why".
To question is natural and to doubt human. I am no superhero powers despite being able to split an apple in two with one finger,  getting slapped for growling at beautiful women and surviving two very close shaves of the unspoken kind.

I am someone who tries to wake with a smile and keep it going for as long as possible. The whole rainbow and unicorns
Some days I succeed and then on other occasions a couple of days attack me at once and I fall quicker than Bafana Bafana head coach.

When I am in this self preservation mode I withdraw and watch the world pass by. Waving from the shadows is like smelling a rose in your sleep. It serves no purpose and brings no joy.
Friends do that. They entertain our misery and criticism and allow us to work through it. This is what a true friend is, someone who listens and is a shoulder to lean on and in some cases a warm cup of tea or a cold beer.

Now I need dark chocolate and a dark room.

Nite all.

MSG moments of the week?

Mad - I have the potential to get bitter about life and it angers me

Sad - I am single again

Glad - my Mom, my girls, my friends, my job, beer and red wine

New Love

When I first began my blogging it was a survival mechanism for keeping the demons at bay and allowing me to try and find some method in the madness and destruction of divorce. It seemed to grow and take momentum and I found that there was a certain therapuutical peace and understanding that came from sharing my darkest voyages.

This is not one of those blogs.

From the wounded soul I was able to heal and grow and most importantly accept what had happened, my girls and I found safety in a family unit of 3 and we shared in a manner I am truly blessed about.

I dabbled briefly in dating and reached a stage where I accepted that perhaps this was not meant to be for now. So I plowed my energy into my girls, friends and studying.

And then it happened.

I received an invitation for coffee from a lady I had never met. I was a little nervous and had no idea what to expect. I figured coffee was an hour at the most and then I could escape. We met, we chatted, we drank cuppachinos and I studied her without trying to get caught. Her smile reached all the way to her eyes and was as infectious as a yawn, her hands were beautiful and well manicured and she had a glow about her skin. My mouth felt a little dry and I hoped I would not open my mouth and no words would come out. I held my hands together lest she saw that I was shaking ever so slightly. It was a gloriously amazing coffee encounter.

We parted and I felt as if a part of me had left with her.
I knew that I had to see her again, I had to hold her hand and if the gods granted me one final wish, it would be to kiss her.
That was 2 months ago, her 6 year old daughter and I seemed to gel from our first meeting and my girls "approve" of the new lady in my life. I expected to lose her when my sudden departure to Lesotho appeared like a pimple on the evening of a date, I even offered her a "get out of jail free" card. Simply put, I would allow her to walk away from me with no hard feelings, fortunately she declined.

Having someone in your life that you can share with, chat to and cuddle when you camt stop smiling or crying is possibly one of life's greatest blessings. To love and be loved is beyond description.

It has been 3 years since my life crumbled to its core, but from that brokeness has arisen something so special and beautiful that it makes the journey through hell worthwhile.

Bless all of you who have encouraged, supported, cared for prayed for my girls and I. Thank you seems such an unworthy response for what it means to us.

To my two new ladies in my life, you are so much more than I ever expected or deserved.

Nite all

An Ode to my Friends

Its a little bit funny

This feeling inside
I used to be one whose feelings would hide
I lost a lot of things
Including love and pride
But I got a second chance and the old Ted has died

And you can tell everybody
I messed up and lied
I don't care cos the ones I love are here by my side
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
If I shout to the world
How wonderful life is with my 2 favourite girls

Looked out at my past
And I hang my head in shame
I got seduced by the world
And its soul stealing ways
But then I fell and I stumbled and I sobbed where I lay
Till you lifted me up and said "it'll be ok"

And now there's a rainbow and good friends next to me
I've got comfort and love and great company
And anyway what I'm really trying to say
Thank you for showing me it'll all be ok.

Thanks Be to You

In the past 36 hours I have setup a home network Mac system, had a tattoo (a gift from my girls) longed for   a birthday cake and received 2 and thats just the start of it.

It has been a whirlwind of adrenaline a sugarless and chemical free high and emotional shock.
I have loved, been loved, been spoilt, laughed and cried and had an one armed bathed.
I have been driven around a golf estate in a golf cart by Nicole and Simon and gone from complete calm to the verge of screaming like a Williams sister and jumping off in a sheer act of survival. I spent 2 and a bit years in the Army with 18 year olds who were not qualified to pick their noses without adult supervision, but were deemed perfectly capable of operating a rifle with live ammunition and they scared me less than my daughters driving display.

Would I do it again, hell yes, who wants to end up looking like Mickey Rouke who has had so many facelifts that his belly button is now a dimple on his chin?

I cried because my silent birthday wish was for a cake and i was blessed with 2, I had a meal with family and shared coffee with friends. I received over a 100 birthday wishes and was humbled by the kind remarks teasing, for those who took the time to tease, laugh, insult and wish me, bless you for making me a very happy man.

Two years ago I celebrated my first birthday as a separated man and the road towards today has not been laden with chocolate bunnies and midgets wielding toothpicks as spears and matches as flame throwers. It has been a spiritual and emotional journey that has made the Oprah Windfree Show look like an episode of South Park.

So tonight, it is with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I acknowledge each of you and the remarkable role you have played in the lives of Simon, Nicole and myself and humbly thank you all.

  
Nite my special friends.

Memoirs of a Waitress

So it emerged in a conversation with 2 beautiful ladies over a beer tonight that Sugar Tits is not an ideal name or nickname for girl.
Yes Diets, I was as shocked as you.

In a blog entitled "Memoirs of a Waitress" I was alarmed, amused and amazed at the male species and their attempts to lure waitresses into their beds. Agreed alcohol was involved and men and alcohol combine as well as men, methane and a naked flame.
Is it because we think we are sexier when intoxicated or that we ooze charm and slurred sex appeal when tipsy?

Maybe it is just a game played between patron and waitress and one in which seldom the males bluff is called. What would happen if she said yes? Mmmmm interesting.

I have never been a waiter so cannot understand what pressures apply. I have seen and experienced professional waitresses flirting for tips and have enjoyed the sparring of words and interaction, mostly innocent I would like to believe.

Tonight I toast those ladies who have endured the jeers and taunts of many of my colleagues and have woken to smile and serve another day.

Nite all.

Blog for Mel

A Little Magic

My humblest apologies for my neglect of you, I have been self absorbed in work, life and an amazingly giving person.
I have been stealing sleep at night and running on empty with the taste of kisses lingering on my lips.

When we are blessed in life, sometimes the awe of the moment is too much to comprehend. We need to remove ourselves from the magic and try and understand what has happened.
Does it help?
No, because its magic.

So what is the conclusion? I know not and all I know is I smile a bit more, see moonlight differently and understand hope a little better.

So let me touch on the art of philosophy, I only see Unicorns with the aid of Jack Daniels, I used to only hear mermaids belching en route to the gents at a pub. And tears were only accompanied by sorrow and heartache. No more.

Tonight, I sleep with mermaids singing to me and Unicorns dancing in a pale sober moonlight.

I almost forgot the Lindt! It hides in drawers and giggles in the excitement of being unwrapped and savoured.

Sweet dreams all

Hope

I was asked if I was bitter about what had happened to my marriage and my answer was no. Angry, upset, yes but not bitter. My feeling is that we do get second chances in life and I want to be able to jump in with the full confidence of a carrot hopping into shark infested waters.

Regrets of course, I was asked by my girls if I ever regretted having them and I emphatically told them they were a blessing beyond life, they are my oxygen.

So why do I say this, well I have reached the next stage in my recovery and have faced a hurdle this week I have tried to avoid and silence for 5 years. Financial forgiveness, restoring some humanity to a series of bad decisions and greed riddled ventures. I screwed up and have been punishing myself for a long time now, I tried everything and failed.

A fresh start, like divorce it is not the end of life as we know it, but a stepping stone to something better, a chance to take what we had and do it better next time around. Yes I would like to love again and be loved again. When? I don't know. When the time is right whenever that is.
What I have now is nice, two adoring daughters that fill my life with a combination of joy, laughter, frustration and love. Our home is warm and we embrace the hard times with the laughter and honesty and when we lock heads we attempt to do it in a manner that doesn't break down the other person.

I have hope and that doesn't mean I have no concerns, I bob up and down like a raisin in a champagne glass. I over-think things till I cannot sleep, but I try and get that smile out when I would rather curl up and hide. If all else fails, I have a circle of friends who encourage, intrude and sometimes even threaten and that makes it all a whole lot easier.

My bed awaits and I must rest before the urge to exercise is forced upon me like a brussel sprout kebab.

Nite all

A Year without Beer?

Since we last crossed paths, it seems as if a lifetime has passed and I suppose it has been a mixture of mother-in-law and ex-partner or to put it into simpler terms sweet and bitter, you may decide which is which.

Christmas eve was delightful as Simon and I spent time with Stephen and Marilyn (brother-in-law and very pregnant sister) and it was a case of too much food, a little too much chocolate caramel cake and a drive back home which took about 40 minutes. Then Simon and I had to find a store open at 19H00 on Christmas Eve to buy five different packets of jelly for her to make the chocolate trifle. We ended up in a store on the wrong side of the good and spent time counting the number of people who actually had shoes on.

We went home and before we made the jelly, Simon opened her presents and she jumped, bounced, clapped her hands and squealed.
Christmas Day and we decided to go to our old church, I was greeted by one of the Pastors at the door with a smile and "Oh Christmas and Easter!" Needless to say I suddenly remembered why we weren't going there anymore.

Making a trifle for 25 was fun and I mean messy all hands in and laughing and cream on the face fun. It was huge and heavy and a work of art, doves wept and angels mouths watered.
Add a frantic call to Candy about the recipe for the biscuit base and we were on the way to a peppermint crisp tart, then off we went and lunch awaited us. King prawns marinaded overnight and fried in garlic butter, WOW!
The four 4 boys made a sizable dent in the trifle and by 5 it was time to return Simon to her Mom. Heather and Nicole greeted me at the gate and I got my Christmas hug from Nicole.

The next few days were a blur of meals with friends and swimming and getting burnt and trying to put in the back of my mind that my girls were away for 2 weeks. The Lips, Wrights and McNamara's, Leff's and Eric and Debs, you guys made this one so much easier to deal with than last year. Simon and I agreed that CandyOnline was such an intricate part of my support and recovery program that statues needed to be erected.

And as for 2011, well reduced beer intake has been suggested and the withdrawals have been alarming and images of bunnies and halflings and singing beer bottles followed by a chorus of spicy chicken wings and pork chops have made me rethink this disturbing request.

I hope for more talks with my girls, more hugs and deeper respect of each others opinions. I hope for female friendship and if at all possible a kiss, a simple request perhaps, but something I need to reaffirm that somehow I am still "marketable". Time will tell I suppose.

For now my wish for you is that you may find joy where you least expect it, love that brings you laughter and memories, health to awake each morning and walk and smell the worlds scents and finally that dreams will not be forgotten or cast aside.

Nite all.

The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating

Welcome to 'The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating for 2011'

All your queries, myths, unspoken truths will not be addressed, they won't be answered but there will be recommendations and words of wisdom tainted ever so slightly by a pale ale.

This not a how-to manual but more of a guide to managing and getting the most out your marriage by applying the 5 Foundation Philosophies. So without any further delays, let's get ready for play.

1. Listen.
Many a man has been heard to utter 'I can't hear without a beer' or his partner has sweetly stated 'Chat and tea, just you and me'. The truth is that we need to be receptive to each other and hear what each other has to say.

2. Touch
This is not the game also known as naked tag or Espionage 101 Booby Trap, but affirmation, assurance, hugs that just drain your worries away and make you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. The simple joy of holding hands and of eyes meeting and lips smiling.

3. Deeds
We do things for people and yet we often neglect those closest to us. My daughter loves it when I massage her head, she almost goes into a trance and enters a state where she would doze off if I didn't tickle her. Making someone a cup of tea or a filling the chocolate jar before they wake up and leave the lid off. Sitting through Karate Kid when you would rather have your prostrate checked the old 'hold your breath' way!
Do a Deed a Day.

4. Laugh
Learn to laugh more often and see the funny side of life. Don't become a fool as there are serious sides to life as well. I chose to joke about everything and as such my partner could not share a lot with me. That was my loss. Laugh together, love together and learn to cry together. That sort of sharing is essential. I have cried with my girls and it was so honest and so raw I could not explain it to you.

And finally

5. Live
What's the point of holding back when you only have one chance at this. Make pancakes naked, sing in a public area, buy a stranger a gift, help someone across the street even if it means you might be late for work. Imagine the clouds are magical shapes and be better than you want to be. Spend time playing with kids or dogs or something different, deliver cupcakes to random people and stop to smell the roses.

That's it.
That's all I have.
Dream your reality and live it.
Sadness is acceptable and smiles are forever.

Good Nite

Christmas in Cuba

I want to go to Cuba.
Not the new Americanised Cuba of old, but the one Hemingway fell in love with.

Stunning colours and old American cars, small dark bars that smell of rich Cuban tobacco. Friendly faces and the sounds of children playing in the streets.

Beautiful tanned ladies with swinging hips and smiling eyes whose voices mesmerize you and take you far away. Makes you forget about your worries for a while and life seems nice.

So we have Cuban cigars, rum, beautiful people, music that moves you and food man oh man food cooked by a large hairy woman who grunts and mumbles to herself but cooks like an angel.

Sounds like a damn fine Christmas if you ask me, but something is missing, the one vital ingredient.

Family.

Family includes special friends.
If you have no-one to share it all with you may as well not celebrate it at all. Life is about sharing, be it love, sorrow, pain or joy.

Add all of the above together and you have memories. That's the best gift anyone could wish for this Christmas.

Good nite

Spin Cycle

Long before the invention of sliced bread and loin cloths there was a profound need for the washing of clothes on a more regular basis. It was apparently brought on by some Woman In Fanatical Evolution, let us refer to to her simply as WIFE.

WIFE so we are made to believe had an over developed sense of smell and when the all conquering all knowing fearless warrior returned from a 2 year crusade scarred and limping, he was banished to the river to cleanse himself. WIFE was ruthless, but she would engage in sweet grunts and kitchen groping if the groper did not smell more than the slightly off fish bit soup.

And that my friend is how the laundromat was born! So I sit at a bench with three other men, the machines hum and turn and silence grows. The last 10 minutes have taken an hour and I somehow long for the boredom of a doctors waiting room, at least they have magazines.

I have counted 10 flies circling the corner where a drum lies with a stick next to it. There is a sweet packet on the slotted table that has leaked and dripped onto the floor and a cheap clock on the wall just too high to be stolen easily.

It would be safe to assume that I didn't get the washing machine in the divorce, it wasn't worth fighting for as my girls would require it more frequently than me.
"What has gone behind does not determine what lies ahead"
Its on my wishlist to Santa along with lots of other toys I will save for another blog.

My machine has changed it pitch so I somehow hope that the end is nigh.

15 bucks for a wash, I think I will visit a grave site after this and take some photos, it is Sunday so expect more than just the average homeless person there and maybe even the chance of fresh flowers. If found I will place it on the blog for all to criticise and ponder.

Damn we have only reached 'rinse' mode, this is worse than attending the wedding of distant families pregnant teenage daughter to a nervous partner who feels he would rather be home studying for his exams.

Spin cycle, I am so close I can smell it! Oh for a mug of steaming filter coffee and a friendly face!

Done! Finished!

Off for some photos at the graveyard and then home.

Goodbye

Fight or Flee

Ever wondered what the hell you are doing?
Where am I heading and what am I getting myself into?
Why me, why not someone else and why now?

Life has an intriguing way of opening doors ever so slightly and letting just enough light through for us to see it. What we do is one of two things, one, we ignore it and tell ourselves it wasn't ever there. Or two, we take a deep breathe and head towards it irrespective of the consequences.

This determines the way we face life, love and heartache. We can confront it or ignore it and hope it simply fades away and nobody notices. In the past while I have had to confront many issues I would simply have laughed off before. I have had to look myself. And examine the naked man before me, no mean task as that much nudity should not be exposed all at once.

I didn't like what I saw and decided that I could learn from my mistakes and move ahead or wallow in self pity. I bathed in self pity for some time and it took a couple of really hard kicks to the butt to awaken me and begin the motion forward. It is definitely harder to move a resting object that to change the direction of one already in motion.

So I must move ahead and steer my ship into stormy waters and see what challenges await me.

Adventure? Sadness? Failure? Love? Purpose?

Time will tell.

Join me as my journeys heads off into the distant yonder.

Good nite.