Sad Days

Why must I leave?

I am surrounded by love and yet I must walk away and leave it behind for a month.

I dont understand this.

I had given up on love and as such had placed all relationships on hold and guess what happened, yup a lady appeared like the lady from the lake. She appraised me, digested and analysed what she had read and sat before her and decided that they added up. I was unaware that I was being "interviewed" as most guys are. Gentleman, the slightest detail, the manner in which you speak, greet her, listen and even say goodbye is checked and ticked. With most guys, the woman simply has to show up and giggle and we are sold initially.

My girls are blossoming and growing up so quickly and independantly that I am seeing them in the independance and enjoying the personalities, thought processes and the manner in which they assess and judge people and situations.

Essentially they are grown-ups with a need for daddy to be around and be a bouncing board for questions when required.

I can accept that.

As for my Lisa, she makes me feel as if I can love again. I am afraid to believe it is all true because it is so real. A hug, a kiss, holding hands and sharing food, wine and thoughts together. I had accepted that this would never be again and that I was not worthy of love from another. Now that I am faced with it, I want to linger on it, savor it and somehow bottle it and take it back to Lesotho with me. It cannot be expressed in words, there are are too many senses involved.

Gabi is a 6 year old bundle of love that cuddles and giggles and has wormed her way into my heart. Bless you angel.

And yet I must leave and it hurts and tears at my emotions.

I shall return but my ladies await and I must go.

Miss you

Nite All

Alone is Ok!

Candy told me that there would be a point where I would no longer dread the loneliness and accept being alone as a time where I could relax. She also told me that this would become a time I would treasure and even look forward to.

As it is in most cases with her, she was correct. But let's go back a step or two.

I have always been someone who has been surrounded by people, a family of 6 growing up, team sports, the army, my own family unit of 4. I have never been alone and as such when my marriage ended I was not only devastated, I was also completely alone for the first time in my life. It scared me to the point where I was even unable to sleep without a light on.

The silence haunted me and made me panic with what if scenarios and eventually drove me to the point of madness. But that is the past.

Two very important truths were pointed out to me, one was that I would be able to be alone and not be lonely and two, that I had to learn to love myself again. This is not the sort of Johnny Bravo "Hey pretty Mama wanna come up to my room and see my pretty muscles" love. It is an acceptance of who I am, an ability to love the man in the mirror warts and all. It is the ability to see the wrinkles and accept them as life lines or laugh lines, a change of perspective and willingness to forgive myself and then in time others. I must be able to love the man in the mirror before I can truly love another.

What we project is also what we attract, project anger and inveribly it will come to meet you, live and love life and you will attract people to you because they want to share in your joy. By accepting who you are and striving to be a better person for unselfish reasons, you will attract love and warmth.

So tonight, remember that "Alone is ok".

Dr Ted vs Dr Phil

Who the heck is Dr Phil and why is he so popular? I can do that stuff all I need are the following;
A belly - got it
Receding hairline - almost
Suit - have one and it fits
Not an Oprah fan - haha oh yes
Stupid People - see lots daily

So here we go, Dr Ted and his version of how to get over your failed diet.
Mary-Lou, I know you're disappointed and hate yourself for eating those 3 burgers with extra fries, 2 large sodas, wedge of chocolate cake and icecream and 2 cups of coffee before breakfast, but honey its perfectly normal. He had no right for cussing you for eating 2 packets of Oreo's and drinking the good milk in bed, it aint your fault you fell asleep on the half eaten bowl of mac and cheese and the ants came a visiting in the night. He's a sad, inconsiderate son of a gun and only good for Jerry Springer reruns. He doesn't appreciate the true you and that skinny girl inside that's crying to get out, but keeps getting attacked by hotdogs. I feel your pain and if you get off my chest I am pretty sure you will realise that.

Make any sense? Didn't think so, but it does remind me that we live in a society that blames everyone else when we possibly need to look at ourselves a little closer. Don't wait for next week, your partner, Mom or Dad or even God to take that step for you. I did and all it taught me is that I wasted some prime time waiting instead of living.
We have to take that step in faith and risk failure but also experience life to its fullest.

I am trying to move ahead, would you like to join me?

Good Night All

Happy Birthday Kim