Second Chances

You have two options in life, do it or think about it and never do anything about it.

Doing it results in yourself being open to hurt, rejected or elation and adventure. So what will you do?

I tried to play by the recognised timelines and theology that time heals all pain and the best will be rejuvenated and possibly even superseded, I waited because initially I was incapable of giving and would have ventured into areas I had no concept of knowing how to deal with.

Let me explain.

When I first realised that I no longer loved my ex which was about a year after the divorce, I had two huge dilemmas to overcome. The first was that I had loved her for so long after the divorce and secondly whether I was ever able to love again. Love doesn't die overnight, it fades and slowly wilts like a flower deprived of water or a dead fish hidden under the couch of someone who did you wrong. When the realisation dawns that it is dead, you either live with the shrivelled memory or you replace it with a better memory, aalmost like brushing your teeth after eating a brussel sprout covered in chocolate.

It is hard to lose faith in something, be it God, life, love or happiness and resign yourself to accepting the alternative as your new standard. God never left me, He simply needed me to stop shouting long enough to get a word in and that whisper was enough. Life means getting up no matter how difficult and soul destroying the day ahead seems and somehow facing it despite the consequences.

Love, well the harsh reality is that it may take a lot of failed dates before you find someone who will accept you as you are, you might still be looking and even reach a stage where you say "Enough".

My plea is simply to keep looking and take that chance.

Why? Because a day of smiles and laughter is worth a month of pain.

Because sunlight after a week or month of rain brings smiles and happiness.

Because you deserve better, a new chance, hope and a reason to fall asleep with a smile on your face.

Nite All

New Love

When I first began my blogging it was a survival mechanism for keeping the demons at bay and allowing me to try and find some method in the madness and destruction of divorce. It seemed to grow and take momentum and I found that there was a certain therapuutical peace and understanding that came from sharing my darkest voyages.

This is not one of those blogs.

From the wounded soul I was able to heal and grow and most importantly accept what had happened, my girls and I found safety in a family unit of 3 and we shared in a manner I am truly blessed about.

I dabbled briefly in dating and reached a stage where I accepted that perhaps this was not meant to be for now. So I plowed my energy into my girls, friends and studying.

And then it happened.

I received an invitation for coffee from a lady I had never met. I was a little nervous and had no idea what to expect. I figured coffee was an hour at the most and then I could escape. We met, we chatted, we drank cuppachinos and I studied her without trying to get caught. Her smile reached all the way to her eyes and was as infectious as a yawn, her hands were beautiful and well manicured and she had a glow about her skin. My mouth felt a little dry and I hoped I would not open my mouth and no words would come out. I held my hands together lest she saw that I was shaking ever so slightly. It was a gloriously amazing coffee encounter.

We parted and I felt as if a part of me had left with her.
I knew that I had to see her again, I had to hold her hand and if the gods granted me one final wish, it would be to kiss her.
That was 2 months ago, her 6 year old daughter and I seemed to gel from our first meeting and my girls "approve" of the new lady in my life. I expected to lose her when my sudden departure to Lesotho appeared like a pimple on the evening of a date, I even offered her a "get out of jail free" card. Simply put, I would allow her to walk away from me with no hard feelings, fortunately she declined.

Having someone in your life that you can share with, chat to and cuddle when you camt stop smiling or crying is possibly one of life's greatest blessings. To love and be loved is beyond description.

It has been 3 years since my life crumbled to its core, but from that brokeness has arisen something so special and beautiful that it makes the journey through hell worthwhile.

Bless all of you who have encouraged, supported, cared for prayed for my girls and I. Thank you seems such an unworthy response for what it means to us.

To my two new ladies in my life, you are so much more than I ever expected or deserved.

Nite all

African Month

Life in Lesotho can best be described as trading in the Johannesburg highways with its aggressive drivers and slowing it all down to slow motion, similar to the now infamous Pamela Anderson Baywatch jogging scene in her airbrushed bikini.

It is relaxed. People chat to you and because my skin is of a paler complexion, I am no longer referred to as "Chinese"but am now American". I am only partially convinced that this nothing to do with me being twice the size of the average Chinese, however bulk is seen as an asset here.
We have started our vegetable garden and our gardener speaks next to no English, hence we both smile a lot at each other and I have no idea what he has planted where. My sign language is a combination of hand signals with some body movement, basically I look like a chubby version of Michael Jackson doing a moonwalk without moving my feet.

Work is currently 90% admin and 10% site work, I sometimes feel like a school teacher who never gets the apple. Our accommodation is compact but clean and serviced daily, food is good although I never though I would say, but the amount of red meat we consume is enough to make the mildest of vegetarians refer to us as cannibalistic murderers. This I am led to believe is not a compliment.

When we feel the walls of our rooms getting a little close and the sudden urge to hug our male colleagues, we head off to Maseru and grab a meal and a movie. The owner of the local Spur never leaves us alone and all the waiters apologise if someone is sitting in our table, and what do we order? CHICKEN!

So in short, it is a beautiful country with the most brilliant stars at night, friendly people and a pace of life which explains why the donkey is the transport vehicle of choice.


Nite All

The African Adventure Begins

Imagine a land of gumboots, umbrellas, donkeys, upside down wheelbarrows, blanket people and medium sized rocks on your house roof. A place where all Europeans are referred to as Chinese in the rural areas and English is often greeted with a look of confusion, similar to the look my boerboel Lucy used to give me if I didn't bring here a McDonald's cheeseburger back from town.

It is a smog free country with night skies so clear you can see stars that haven't even made their debut in the cities yet, a truly magnificent African display of constellations.

Also present are a collection of tired, semi disabled vehicles, some resting and adorning a greenery where the engine used to be and others waiting for a transplant in an donor less environment.

The folk are friendly and patient and more importantly content with a simple lifestyle. there is a younger generation bursting through with the enthusiasm of puppy attacking a toilet roll and they are keen to get out and get to Johannesburg. They want the things they see on television and the rock and roll lifestyle. I am hoping this remains the dream of the kids in the city and that the rural folk remain pure, holistic and culturally rich.

Winter has not yet graced us with her presence, I am told she is bitter, wicked and has an ice cold heart. It will definitely snow and for us South Africans who think that a temperature of 21'C is a little cool, I expect to hear the clinking of frozen balls as I walk.

It is time to leave for now and until we meet again, let me grace you with this word of wisdom, "Close the fridge door I'm freezing"

Nite All