Saturday, July 31, 2010

A Night Out?

What a day with my girls, never thought I would be one standing in the underwear section helping them making choices about matching lingerie. A year ago that would not have been possible and yet it wasn't awkward and didn't feel strange.

I found some old music and my treat for the month, 2 new pairs of underpants, sad perhaps but practicle. Girls had a blast, Simon got some books, a new big black bag and a cd, Nicole a poster, a new purse and a top I was assured by Simon was 'Ok Dad'.

Needless to say the girls were exhausted and collapsed on the couch and have been watching Vampire Diaries for the past 5 hours. They are chilled and having fun and I am blessed they want to spend time with me.

My friend who was so hurt yesterday is so much better today it is almost hard to believe, she is calmer and back in a place where she can think rationally and is feeling better.

I was fine till the evening and then I had the feeling I was bursting from my seams and needed to just let some steam off. Not possible tonight but hey, let's see what happens next week. Still processing it all and seeking opinions from good friends, any opinions please let me know. I want to go ona drinking spree for one night, let my hair down and forget about everything for a couple of hours, can any of you relate to this?

I feel that much has been taken from me, a lesson perhaps for my lust to seek and attain and collect, perhaps the removal and absence is my learning and part of my journey towards a new place, a new me and new beginnings. The unwinding and unravelling of the old is painful and difficult, it is the reversal and removal of habits that have been comfortable for many a year.

So I must retire as my meds begin to weave their web of medical magic.

Goodnight.

When Friends Hurt

And so once again we welcome Friday, eat a little too much, watch too much tv, perhaps drink too much and so we begin the weekend.

When a friend is hurting, you feel so defenseless and unsure of the correct way to assist. Sometimes a hug or a shoulder is not appropriate and it has to be handled via a remote and this is so much more difficulty.

I really feel for you and pray you will find peace and understanding and that which you long for so desperately.

Two sick girls but so awesome to have them here.
Vampire Diaries and 4 episodes in one night, the girls are addicted, Simon had a tendency to curl up in a ball and close her eyes in parts! But they are as hooked as Hugh Hephner is to his little blue pills.

What is one of the difficulties that I really battle with in divorce is the fact that when children are involved, you still have so much interaction with the other party or your ex. You can't just end it and walk away.

I really miss Lucy at the moment and would love a friend to scratch behind the ears and on the belly and just hug, will have to be a dog as I doubt many females will do that.

Oh the merry paths we weave!

Farewell till next time.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Where the Heck is Friday

I was awake at 04h30 and working in the office from 06h00 and then it didn't stop.

Yesterday was frustrating and a long chat with a lawyer left me feel despondent, confused, angry and scared. You can't afford to get out of your situation but there is no system in place to assist you. Everyone wants your clothes off your back, your blood and your soul if they can negotiate that as well.

So my circle of friends jumped in to put it all in perspective and give me the good old tally ho. Thanks guys. It meant the world and knowing that I am not alone in this, prayer, encouragement and those hugs that just break all resistance.

And now today, it was a race against the clock and I got 3 missed calls from Nicole, just checking that I had not forgotten that it was my turn to collect them. We had such a laugh on the way home and had an old man in a car in front of us that kept rolling back towards us.

Nothing beats chatting to a friend when you've had a rough day, it is therapeutic and makes you feel better knowing that you have a 'people' out there who actually do care.

I miss my brother very much and would love to have him around, maybe one day.

I was blessed today by a friend who had my car cleaned and then filled the tank, bless you Mark you old dog. I really do enjoying driving her and with the addition of a radio again I am so cool I burp ice cubes.

I should arrange supper but I am tired and gravity Is wrestling with me and winning at the moment.

Goodnight

Friday, July 23, 2010

Perception

So much has happened in my ever emotional roller coaster life that I forget where to begin.

Allow me to jump around, share joy, frustration, anger, love and another 20 emotions or so.

I have experienced joy abundantly with my girls, laughter and fun and we have so much fun sharing and chatting together.

Work has been so hectic and the paperwork is soul destroying, however it is so good to have work and it does make the days go quicker. I have days where I just have to kill the hours to get to the end of the day.

I have taken to walking as opposed to running and with my iPod I am conquering the neighbourhood. It seems to help get the blood flowing and let the steam just escape and feel the pressure drop.

So tonight it hit me, life is all about perceptions. The way we see it is the way we live it. So if I feel sorry for myself and do the whole woe is me then that's the deck I get to play with.
However, should I choose to 'breathe' stop in the madness, push the pause button I can admire and be aware of the beauty around me. There may not be love lurking in the shadows but there is warmth in the sun.

A lot of cliches perhaps, a new perception and possibly a new chance at happiness.

Goodnight.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Wedding

Today was Arni and Denise's wedding. Setting was lovely and I had my two favourite girlfriends with me an they looked stunning. I was a very proud Dad. The service was almost entirely in Afrikaans and then we moved onto the reception.

I was one of the few people there tonight that didn't have a partner, never seemed to notice that before, strange. People seem to be be more romantic at weddings, suppose the atmosphere lends itself to it. Little sad now, first wedding as a divorcee, suppose I can tick that off the list now.

The food was amazing and Nicole had a blast taking photos of everything and everyone and then holding the table record for the longest time to keep a dessert spoon stuck to her nose, at a table of 10, 6 folk tried it. Needless to say we had the loudest table and the most fun as well. One lady at our table got her dress set alight by the gas heater, we didn't really have a boring moment.

On the way home in true Italian fashion, my cars heater decided that under no circumstances was it going to work. Need I say more.

We had a blast today and it is so comforting to see my girls have so much fun on the weekend, really a blessing to see them look forward to coming here and then chilling and having a blast.

Time to sleep, still not feeling very happy, but trying to cope with it and keep it together.

Goodnight

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Plea to a Friend

Hey C, sorry about earlier this afternoon, big meltdown again, just keeping it together for too long and then reality kicked in real hard. Huge battle with time frames and immensity of the whole situation.

Thanks C for listening and shaking me back to a state where I could breakdown and then focus again.
Sometimes I just get too lonely or too sad or even too shaken by the whole issue and find it hard to accept that this is happening to me and why me? And then I have to say well why not me! I am not exempt from all of this and I have to make the best of a bad situation. At the same time I am allowed to have all fall downs where it all collapses and takes me with it.

Then there are times where I really feel that God has forgotten me and I am alone in all of this, stupid I know. So much has been shaken and in some cases destroyed that eventually you begin to doubt everything.

‎​It is also a case of reaching the end of a day, sighing a huge sigh of relief and not knowing what awaits you tomorrow. Will I be able to handle it? Can I make it till 5? What if I break down? Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel? Who am I and what is the person I will be at the end of all of this? Am I entitled to joy, laughter and ultimately love again or is this the way it will be till the end?

‎​Who decides who gets the happily ever after and the blunt end of the stick? What happens to shattered love and broken hearts? Are we able to love fully again? Are we able to fully trust again? Do I have to be broken to be made whole and why does it seem to take so long? Too many questions and not enough clarity. Good Night.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Therapy and Fixes

It starts with one good reason I don't know why doesn't really matter how hard I try . . .

Oh hello, didn't notice you there. It started with a session with Regan, first one in 3 weeks and interesting as well. Most intriguing part of the discussion' "How can you forgive others if you cannot forgive yourself".

Then work and it was hectic and busy and good, after work a little handyman attempt and then home to a soft leather couch. Unfortunately supper had to be considered, so liquidised the home made soup, heated some and froze some and then a long discussion with C.

Now I am weary and medicated and ready for the transition from awake to running with bunnies. Sigh.

Goodnight

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sweet Sunday Soccer

So we have new football world champions in a match ruined by terrible refereeing. Well done Spain!

To my team Germany who came an honourable 3rd, well done lads.

Girls are back with Mom, but the good news is I get them again this weekend and we have a wedding to attend, so fun and excitement all around and a chance to boogie woogie and let the old mans hair down. School also starts this week after a massive 5 week world cup holiday so order will be restored to the universe.

Best quote I heard today, " I'm not scared of the devil, I was married to his sister for 6 years"

We are also in for a cold week so work should be interesting, better make sure I wear my extra warm underwear as it is going to be freezing in the workshops.

Mom seems to coping with her broken wrist and the service tonight was enjoyable, M & L thanks for 'looking after me' much appreciated.

My aim for this week is to find someone who specialises in sequestration and to get the ball rolling. Enough is enough now.
Next aim is to start reading and walking again.

But for now, sweet dreams of sweet maidens and recharge for the new week.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Batchelors Saturday

It started with a great sleep in, then awoke and slept again. Then a mad rush to bath and get to the video shop to drop off the movies.
A call to Colin who sat with a Peroni in his hand and his bluetooth earpiece in his ear directing me to the bachelors.

This was the very first time I have been to a batchelors where I did not consume any alcohol, felt strange and went pretty well. Decent bunch of guys except for one freak, there's always one isn't there!

Girls had a blast watching dvd's and chilling but they seem to have a bit of cabin fever so will take them for a walk round the neighborhood.

Didn't end the day well and need a long session with C and M to get to sleep time.

Good night all and as C says, one day at a time Ted one day at a time.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Friday Night Dvd's

We left for Potchestroom ar 6 and got back mid afternoon and finished work with a little computer work.

Then I collected my girls, got some dvd's and pizza and of course some chocolate of course! A good evening spent together and 3 fun movies including a comedy love affair (Meet the Morgans). Felt a little sad after it as I do with most love stories, its not the movies but more the emotions it evokes in me. I so want to believe in love again. Its not that I want to have a relationship and settle down, but more a case of believing that it does in fact exist.

Had my blood pressure tested again and it was too high still, got a call from my Dr and have agreed to see her next week. Have to get this sorted, can't afford to get sick now.

So tomorrow is Arni's bachelors and am looking forward to it, will be good to see some of the old faces again. Expect there will be lots of laughter and noise.

Simon is watching "Angus and the perfect art of snogging" her very favourite movie at the moment and Nicole is asleep.

A good end to a busy week.

Good Night World

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Bad Welding and Bolonaise

Wow work has certainly become hectic. Today I saw possibly the worst welding ever and the owner was surprised that it had been rejected. But that is another tale is best ended early with a shake of the head.

Ants decided to make my life more interesting and invaded one of machines. Following a franctic call from a customer I arrived at 06h20 the following morning and found NOTHING! They seemed to have come, got bored and hid away or took to the hills. So fumigated and restocked I left. Strange days indeed.

And then oh my Germany, so brave till the bitter einde, but outplayed in midfield and now we shall not face the Netherlands in the World Cup Final.

Have my girls tonight as my ex had a function, who has a function on the evening of a FIFA World Cup Semi Final? Mmmmm

Cooked a massive bowl of spagetti bolonaise for supper and enjoyed by all 9 of us, apparently the French mini loaf was also great!

Got into bed, read a brochure of things I cannot afford and then fell asleep.

Zzzzzzzz

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Tuesday Done

Soccer was awesome, supper was great and the two cuppachino's were excellent. Throw in a game of Heroclix and you have an action packed evening.

The day didn't start off on the best note and so when I felt down instead of keeping quiet and slipping further into it, I followed the advice of a friend and told her. Her response, 'hey Ted, look on the bright side, smile while you still have your own teeth!'

That's what good friends do, they understand and are willing to pick you up when you don't have the energy to carry on. They will carry you, drag you and in some instances even kick you in the bottom to get you going.

Thank you!

My Mom fell outside the bank today and broke her left wrist, she then drove herself in her manual shift car to my Aunt who drove her home. She looks after my Dad who has advanced Parkinsons full time and now has to contend with a broken wrist as well. I really wish I could be there for her now, but finances are non existent at the moment.

Nicoles puppy is back from doggie hospital after her run in with a pitbull and has a heavily bandaged leg, Nicole has been very upset about the whole affair.

I am battling to keep my eyes open and have an extremely busy day starting with mobile homes and finishing with pipe inspections tomorrow, so good night one and all.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Monday Moods

It is imperative that we remind ourselves that the future starts now and thus we have the choice to embrace it or reject it.

Your dream, your passion, your love for your fellow man is entirely your decision, I must take the first step and call it faith, call it courage it makes no difference, what is important is that if you are not moving forward you are moving back. There is no such thing as standing still, life does not, it continues whether you come along or not.

I have a dream, it is getting clearer each day and I can either go through life dreaming about it or I can put an agenda in place to achieve it. Of course there are obstacle, but I choose to go forward.

Nicole's puppy 'Gucci' decided it was strong enough to take on a pitbull and is now spending the night at the vet to recover, sorry my baby I know you are very upset about your silly puppy.

Simon has been very quiet but she has Shannon with her so all is forgiven and understood. You left you ring but it was returned to me so please remind me to give it back.

I am almost ready for a soothing hot relaxing bath and then hot chocolate and a warm bed. It sounds like heaven. Today was hectic at work and tomorrow seems it will follow the same pattern. Hectic is good.

It never ceases to amaze me how quiet and neat my home is when my girls are here, upon their arrival it is as if a whirlwind has moved through it leaving a trail of clothes, shoes, glasses and mugs. I love it. The energyn the laughter, the spontaneous hugs and tickle attacks. This is what makes us Dads proud and love you so much, these are memory making moments.

A good day.

Good night all.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

03 July Saturday

I am exhausted, but this time it is physically knackered! I have just spent 12 hours with an amazing friend working on my car. All this time my angel Nicole was by my side and informed me that she had small fingers and could easily get into the places Mark and I were battling to get into. What a hero she was today.

Tomorrow she and I are going to see Eclipse together, she is so excited and I can't wait to cuddle with her in the movie house, she will always be my baby.

My car works, it has a radio again, it has a vent system that works and a dash that is finally reinstalled and tightened properly. Awesome awesome relief.

My blood pressure is down to 130/90 and I can breathe and know that the effort of diet and medication does make a difference! Spoke to my Mom today and she was also happy it had come down, love you Mom, hope to see you soon.

Nicole is also considering doing a blog again, good for you!

Simon has a friend sleeping over tonight, another first and a small victory in a way. Divorce can be an adventure and a rebirth and I intend to move on, live and create a future for my girls and I.

And now to sleep, night all.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Wednesday done and dusted and supper was soup in a can with 2 minute noodles. Not too shabby.

Chatted on Blackberry messenger for ages tonight and it was awesome, good friends are not easy to come by and I have been blessed.

Spoke to my girls and they are in the process of arranging my weekend around their hectic social calenders. And Nicole saw another pair of shoes she absolutely loves,

Absolutely love my flat and is so warm, I am suprisingly weary tonight, not sure why. Had a hot bath and now getting into snooze mode.

Car should the music fitted this weekend and if all goes well, maybe working vents and a heater. Luxury!

Sorry too tired, till tomorrow

Adious

30 June Wednesday

Home, frantic unpacking, even managed to spend a few minutes on my leather couch and it was gooood.

Supper was a couple of tuna whole wheat rolls and a one extra for work tomorrow. Yes yes I know how does one get so organized haha.

Mark came over for coffee, dessert, a chat and we photographed 10 clocks that I am considering selling. Mark will be my Agent le Provacteur. Merci Marc!

So my bed, my bath, my little home of happiness. Read the newspaper in bed, switched off the light and headed off on a new adventure.

But before I leave you, let me tell you about my experience at the chemist. I popped in get some Aged Garlic, Omega 3 and shaving cream and was at the teller paying when I heard a deep throaty voice shout "next". It was a client with long blonde hair, hairy hands, lipstick, a grey female business suit and an Adams Apple!!!!!! What the heck!
It was enough to remind me in no uncertain terms that I was not ready for the surprises that the dating scene held for me.

On that interesting yet scary note, farewell all.