The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all

Companionship

Why do we feel lonely?
What is it that makes us want to sink deeper and deeper in a black hole and slowing die a little more inside each day?

This disease known as depression is like cancer, it finds a place to plant a seed and then it spreads its evil web of dark misery. But it doesn't stop, it clouds our vision, it dampens our passions and slowly like a leech it sucks the very life out of us.

So, what is the answer?
Well being alone is a bad idea, get out into the light, get out and find a friend, someone to talk to, someone you trust. John Cougar wrote 'Everyone just needs a hand to hold onto'. It not about the sex or lusts, most times it simply to have someone to talk to, to be near when the monsters come out to play, when you feel like giving up and all seems lost.

Have you found that someone?
I have and yet I fear I am abusing the privilege and friendship. I have no physical contact and very little verbal, there have been occasions when the walls have got too close and an emergency calls were necessitated. Other times urgent advice was required. Otherwise its all about a wireless wonder.

I do so miss the conversation and availability of hugs on hand, but a new world awaits and I must sail through the mist to find what awaits me on the other side.

Good Night!

Saturday and a Hug

Its Saturday. Early Dr's visit with Simon and then off to the pharmacy followed by breakfast at Smau's which was awesome.

Home, homework for Simon and TV for Nicole.
Dad on couch.
Complicated?
Nope its Saturday.

This is a day for lying back, for smiling, eating too much and spending it with the ones you love. A day to eat prego rolls and boerewors rolls so juicy the sauce runs down your chin, vegetable pesto pasta, pizza with hot stringy mozzarella or fried chicken and couscous salad with a crispy white wine.

If you have a partner, make them a cup of tea or coffee and hold hands as you stroll together, forget about the world and its madness for a while, imagine the 2 of you are alone and kiss is public because you just love life more than the strangers stares and giggles around you.

I see families rushing through life and so intent on doing life they forget to live life. Go to a busy coffee shop in a shopping centre and order something to drink and just watch people. See if you can spot the lovers, the workers, the sad and lonely, the hurt, the tired and the bitter.

What concerns me is that the only ones holding hands and paying real attention to their partners are the young and the retired. The inbetweeners are in the fast lane, hooting profusely and overtaking each other with spittle and sweat flying. We are racing towards divorce, nervous breakdowns, ulcers, heart attacks, cancer and debt. We have to slow down. We have to take an inventory of our priorities in lives and decide whether we want to change lanes or stay on the current route.

I chose unwisely and have the scars and divorce agreement to bear for it. It was never enough. To spare you the whole boring saga, divorce came, it took, destroyed and left it ruins behind.

The path forward has been difficult but not without its blessings and intervention of incredible people guided into my path.

Enough for tonight, if you with someone you love at the moment, give them a hug, a kiss and a smile.

Good night all.

A Night Out?

What a day with my girls, never thought I would be one standing in the underwear section helping them making choices about matching lingerie. A year ago that would not have been possible and yet it wasn't awkward and didn't feel strange.

I found some old music and my treat for the month, 2 new pairs of underpants, sad perhaps but practicle. Girls had a blast, Simon got some books, a new big black bag and a cd, Nicole a poster, a new purse and a top I was assured by Simon was 'Ok Dad'.

Needless to say the girls were exhausted and collapsed on the couch and have been watching Vampire Diaries for the past 5 hours. They are chilled and having fun and I am blessed they want to spend time with me.

My friend who was so hurt yesterday is so much better today it is almost hard to believe, she is calmer and back in a place where she can think rationally and is feeling better.

I was fine till the evening and then I had the feeling I was bursting from my seams and needed to just let some steam off. Not possible tonight but hey, let's see what happens next week. Still processing it all and seeking opinions from good friends, any opinions please let me know. I want to go ona drinking spree for one night, let my hair down and forget about everything for a couple of hours, can any of you relate to this?

I feel that much has been taken from me, a lesson perhaps for my lust to seek and attain and collect, perhaps the removal and absence is my learning and part of my journey towards a new place, a new me and new beginnings. The unwinding and unravelling of the old is painful and difficult, it is the reversal and removal of habits that have been comfortable for many a year.

So I must retire as my meds begin to weave their web of medical magic.

Goodnight.

Batchelors Saturday

It started with a great sleep in, then awoke and slept again. Then a mad rush to bath and get to the video shop to drop off the movies.
A call to Colin who sat with a Peroni in his hand and his bluetooth earpiece in his ear directing me to the bachelors.

This was the very first time I have been to a batchelors where I did not consume any alcohol, felt strange and went pretty well. Decent bunch of guys except for one freak, there's always one isn't there!

Girls had a blast watching dvd's and chilling but they seem to have a bit of cabin fever so will take them for a walk round the neighborhood.

Didn't end the day well and need a long session with C and M to get to sleep time.

Good night all and as C says, one day at a time Ted one day at a time.

Love?

Sometimes in life you see something special between two people, a look, a smile a touch, something that speaks to you and almost restores your hope in love, almost.

Does it become a duty, is it a relationship of convenience, are we simply afraid of the consequences or are we afraid of the stigma society might attach to us.

In the instant society we find ourselves trying to survive in, what happened to loyalty, honour, respect, what happened to happily ever after. What happened to promises and where did it all go wrong?

Does life strive to destroy that which we hold to be true and righteous? Or is it just all decided on the rolling of a dice. No no I hear you say it can't be, hell what do you think when conspiracy theories become the norm of your thought patterns.
Are you still with me because I feel like I have lost myself :)

So in despair, in our times of darkness when feel ourselves falling and scrambling and battling to breathe, what do we do? Some turn to God or spirituality, some to drugs, smoking or alcohol, some turn to sex and adrenaline, some just give up. What is the solution, I have tried many of the above and feel no clearer now than I did then. I have moments of extreme anger and times of desperate sorrow and loneliness, I have seen pity and pain and sadness in the eyes of good friends and have been embarrassed because I have brought this plague onto them.

I am numb inside. I have lost so much. I cry tears of blood and can't understand why this load cannot be taken from me. I am stressed and worried and unsure and rational thought is no longer an option that seems to offer any consulation.

I apologise because by sharing this I somehow feel I have let you into my private hell and I am embarrassed.

Forgive me.

20 June Sunday

Fathers Day, 2 giggling girls, lunch at the table together chatting and laughing and an afternoon snooze on the couch.

Throw in a disjointed chat to my Dad and a call to my Father in Law and the day was ok. Nice to reconnect with Ant again and good to hear he is still well and was spending time with his sons, my nephews.

Dropped my girls with Heather this afternoon and then received a frantic call from Simon to say she couldn't find her phone. Got back to the house and it was lying on the kitchen counter and her soccer bracelet on the kitchen window sill, my Simon hasn't changed haha.

C is going on her first decent holiday with her kids for a long time and I am really pleased for her, hope she can unwind and just have a blast.

Spoke briefly to Stephen and he seems overworked but content so all seems good.

Got home, alone again and tried my best not to slip into a state of loneliness so curled on the couch, turned on the tv and killed 4 hours.

Now I am weary and a little sad so good night all.

05 June Saturday

Pain never really seems to go away, it just seems to hide and then re-emerges when you least expect it or when you are not ready to deal with it

Sometimes I wish I was more like a machine that a human, then I can just remove things that don't work, just switch off certain components and plod on

Even though I have a beautiful flat, have a large pot of soup simmering on the stove and friends who do care, I am really lonely again today. It is almost as if my joy has been drained from me and left this empty shell behind that is hollow, cold and empty.

As time sails on be it in times of sunshine or storms of the harshest darkest kind, we find that old love that is no more tends to fade and slowly die. I have 2 choices, the first is to fight it and hang onto it with every ounce of my being or alternatively realise it is over and let is pass away. It doesn't make the pain any easier, however it does enable us to find closure and move ahead.

Was Nicole's School Sports day and she was waiting at the school gate for me and gave me a big hug, strolled around with her and her 2 friends and saw friends and puppies and dogs and lots of hockey, soccer and netball. There is definitely reassuring about a school sports day, it has a lovely feeling about it and lots of laughing and smiling people. Was glad Deon did not make it, would have a little awkward.

SA vs Wales Rugby Union today so all in all ale will flow ,and joy will accepted and shared by all concerned!
Just made a toasted cheese in the frying pan with extra butter, strong cheddar cheese and white bread, fried till crisp on both sides, yup a bit of heaven mmmmmmm. Was so hot it burnt my tongue while I was eating but man o man was that good or what!

Got invited to Sarah's 7th birthday party, soccer theme and it was awesome and the snacks were AMAZING! Had a homemade Apple pie with almonds on top with cream and it was better than kissing a mermaid!

Home Bed and await the arrival of a new day.

1 June Tuesday

Tomorrow my baby turns 12, wow what a lovely journey we have had together.

She has been a blessing and has had such a fighting spirit since she was born and analysed many months later with the hole in her heart, she never stopped smiling and fighting even when all the odds were stacked against her. I love you my precious Nicole.
You wear your emotions on your sleeve and continue to challenge boundaries and rules and are not afraid to ask why and will not settle for answers that do not make sense. Sometimes you even question logic and defiantly refuse to accept the norms that society insists on. Good for you.

I saw a quote today from a FB status of a friend that said, "Dream as if you have forever. But live as if you only have today" by James Dean.

Wow, what a quote and what a attitude to have. After the heartache of walking through my old home where so many years were spent as a family unit, so many memories, so many laughs joy and tears, I realised that this was all gone and though I mourn it and have to deal with the tragedy of divorce I am in a better place spiritually now than I have ever been.

Even though I mourn the loss of a 22 year relationship and daily contact with my girls, I am seeing the positive side to this madness we call divorce. My times with my girls are so eventful and fun that we spend more time laughing and experiencing life and less involved in the pettiness that causes only frustration and negative emotions. It is better to be alone than to be with one who loves another.

To W & C for an awesome meal where the girls could not stop asking for thirds and fourths and a lovely bottle of red as we discussed family and frustrations and trampoline assembly, these are the moments that make memories. Never turn down the opportunity to have a glass of red wine with friends, it reassures the soul and makes us realise that it is not all about us.

And today my Italian sedan returned from the workshop after 8 or 9 weeks with working brakes and a friendly hum in the engine, it felt so good to accelerate and smile and stop when intended, brakes are not a luxury but a necessity it seems.

So all in all a good day and a deep bath ended another Tuesday and moved me towards tomorrow, who knows what you have hidden lurking ready to surprise me.

Goodnight