December Beckons

I started writing this blog under a heading entitled "Lovers" and then I basically ran out of words of the positive nature.
Why?
Well I contemplated that as we approached Christmas, it was the time that more suicides are committed than any other time of the year, so I have decided to entitle it "Surviving Christmas".

My first 2 Christmas's after my divorce were absolute hell and I longed for the day to end and for folk to leave me alone, I could see through their smiles as their eyes told me that they felt sorry for me. It was a time where was it not for my beautiful Simon and Nicole, I would have fled and just kept running.
However, friends embraced us, they welcomed us into their homes and they acted normally and didnt make a fuss over us, they allowed us to hide, blend into the shadows and withdraw when it became too much.
My 3rd Christmas was much better and I was able to interact and my girls and I smiled and joined in, we had found our niche and our reduction from 4 to 3 was now stronger than ever, bless you Brian, Dee, Zane and Trav.

Financially the past three years have been all about survival and in most cases we were not even able to give gifts, this for me was a humbling experience as I battled to receive and not return the favour. On reflection it was a time where I truly learnt more in that period of my life about grace, love, compassion and God working through people as they blessed us with gifts, love and even food.Our first Christmas together was 2 weeks after the divorce and I was so broke that homeless folk slept better than I, I had no home a Fiat Uno with all my worldly possessions in it and we were housesitting a friend of a friends home. A friend took me off to Pick and Pay and bought us groceries for the holidays so that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding my girls. I will never forget that.

So this year, my wish for you and me is the same, find some friends, family or loved ones. If you have none of these then make an extra plate or two of food and drop them off with folk who would appreciate them, any old age home will have forgotten folk who will welcome sharing a cup of tea with you.

I plan to visit my folks, my Dad with advanced Parkinsons no longer remembers me and it pains me to see him in this state, but the memories are so alive and filled with love that it will be great to see him. My Mom is the rock that has and still does keep us as a family together and I have so much love and respect for her.

Dont leave it till the last minute, start your planning now and make it a Christmas to remember.


Nite All

The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all