The Nite Before Easter

Easter has come and gone and it was spent with my girls. That should be all I have to say.

Nite all

Ok, you need more body to the blog so here goes.
Twas the night before Easter and all was still, gentle rain caressed the earth and a slight chill filled the air.

The father and daughters were watching television and oblivious to the threat that lurked in the room next to them.

When they least expected it, darkness struck and absorbed all the light. A gasp escaped the lips of the girls and their eyes widened, a mild panic set in.

All they had were candles, food for a week and chocolate bunnies, these were grim times indeed.
We interrupt this transmission for a word from our sponsors, ACNE (African Candle Natural Exporters) where candles can be spotted everywhere.

In truth it is Easter that I first discovered my partner for 23 years loved another and this occurred 2 years ago. I have been dreading this Easter and unknowingly have built myself up into a state about it all. I shared with D and C and they helped me put it all into perspective and calmed me down.

I cannot go through life ignoring certain periods because of the past, I have to confront them the same way a Dad faces a babies leaking nappy for the first time. You don't have to like it but you have to deal with it.

There is no quick fix, there is no "get out of jail free" card, there is life and it comes with baggage and joy and laughter and pain.

So in short, The Nitemare Before Easter has been renamed "The Nite before Easter"

Bless you

Nite All

The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all

Fight or Flee

Ever wondered what the hell you are doing?
Where am I heading and what am I getting myself into?
Why me, why not someone else and why now?

Life has an intriguing way of opening doors ever so slightly and letting just enough light through for us to see it. What we do is one of two things, one, we ignore it and tell ourselves it wasn't ever there. Or two, we take a deep breathe and head towards it irrespective of the consequences.

This determines the way we face life, love and heartache. We can confront it or ignore it and hope it simply fades away and nobody notices. In the past while I have had to confront many issues I would simply have laughed off before. I have had to look myself. And examine the naked man before me, no mean task as that much nudity should not be exposed all at once.

I didn't like what I saw and decided that I could learn from my mistakes and move ahead or wallow in self pity. I bathed in self pity for some time and it took a couple of really hard kicks to the butt to awaken me and begin the motion forward. It is definitely harder to move a resting object that to change the direction of one already in motion.

So I must move ahead and steer my ship into stormy waters and see what challenges await me.

Adventure? Sadness? Failure? Love? Purpose?

Time will tell.

Join me as my journeys heads off into the distant yonder.

Good nite.

A Night Out?

What a day with my girls, never thought I would be one standing in the underwear section helping them making choices about matching lingerie. A year ago that would not have been possible and yet it wasn't awkward and didn't feel strange.

I found some old music and my treat for the month, 2 new pairs of underpants, sad perhaps but practicle. Girls had a blast, Simon got some books, a new big black bag and a cd, Nicole a poster, a new purse and a top I was assured by Simon was 'Ok Dad'.

Needless to say the girls were exhausted and collapsed on the couch and have been watching Vampire Diaries for the past 5 hours. They are chilled and having fun and I am blessed they want to spend time with me.

My friend who was so hurt yesterday is so much better today it is almost hard to believe, she is calmer and back in a place where she can think rationally and is feeling better.

I was fine till the evening and then I had the feeling I was bursting from my seams and needed to just let some steam off. Not possible tonight but hey, let's see what happens next week. Still processing it all and seeking opinions from good friends, any opinions please let me know. I want to go ona drinking spree for one night, let my hair down and forget about everything for a couple of hours, can any of you relate to this?

I feel that much has been taken from me, a lesson perhaps for my lust to seek and attain and collect, perhaps the removal and absence is my learning and part of my journey towards a new place, a new me and new beginnings. The unwinding and unravelling of the old is painful and difficult, it is the reversal and removal of habits that have been comfortable for many a year.

So I must retire as my meds begin to weave their web of medical magic.

Goodnight.

27 July Sunday

So pray do tell why the simple act of buying shoes with my daughters can tire you more in 1 hour than 5 days of hard labour and a diet of dry bread and cheap red wine.

It would be so much easier if you follow the following routine;
1. Enter
2. Locate
3. Fit
4. Pay
5. Exit

Done Finished Objective Achieved.

Oh well I suppose there is a reason we are so different, I am now lying on a couch with my legs up relaxing after my ordeal. We also 'popped' into a clothing store and after I had pointed out about 10 items I could tell that my opinion as a fashion guru had descended into 'he who shall pay and provide'.

When we got home, Simon took pity on me and made me lunch and coffee, I would rather face my ex in full battle mood complete with broom and wand than do the 3 shop compare shoes deed. But, if they asked me again, would I run away screaming and crying like an England supporter, nope I would do it. That's what Dads do!

Quick choice! Scarlett Johannsen or Penelope Cruz, my opinion is Penelope is 100 times the woman Scarlett will ever be.

I had a deep hot bath and listened to Meatloaf - Bat of Hell and you know what, he sounds exactly the same underwater hehe. Was relaxing and I must admit that a soaking bath is very underrated.

So now I am channel hopping and have managed to find a couple of decent love stories that seemed to run one after the other. Couldn't have watched this a couple of weeks ago. I have had to stop avoiding the man in the mirror, sounds like a cliche but it is so true. I have to understand what makes him tick, what made him do the things he did. How he has to forgive himself and move forward. It sounds so simple.

Can love be simple, can it be uncomplicated and enjoyable or must we analise and bring guilt and opinionate it and then well then it is something so different.
Do we expect too much too little, do we settle for something because it is just easier? I want someone to talk to, someone to spend silence with and someone who will accept me as I am. Am I prepared to try again, I think I am, but there is no rush. Where do you find a venue where neither party feels threatened?

And yet I am sure there are many people who feel exactly the same.

Well good night world.