Scenes from a Sunday Sidewalk

A cuppachino at the sidewalk cafe was my solution to having run out of coffee at home. So much happening in the little pockets of tables around me, it is like a mini soap opera unfolding, hold my hand and journey with me.

A family of 4 with a 3 year old daughter with tiara who is so in love with her Dad. She is chatting and giggling and when she sits on the chair her chin is level with the table. The mom is a beautiful blond with long flowing hair and oversized sunglasses, her baby son is getting fed the froth from her cuppachino and loving it. Dad is explaining with the aid of his fingers that he will be 32 in 2 days time and she repeats "thirty two?" as if he may as well be 100.

At the table next to them is a young lad not much older than 8 with very short hair, chubby red cheeks and huge eyes. He is wearing a blue soccer top and sharing his table with his grandparents and one of their friends. The old folks are muttering about the motorcyclists and how some areas are going to hell because no-one cares anymore. The lads eyes opened so wide that I feared they might pop out of his head when he saw the size of his milkshake and he could hardly sit still when his breakfast arrived.. His Grandad is furiously cleaning the screen of his cellphone the same way a mother attacks her children's faces on a Sunday morning before church.

Table three has 3 male friends in their sixties all very specific about their Earl Grey tea and unbuttered toast and tomato (not cooked please). At their table is a lady in her early forties with long dark hair, lovely figure and smoking a cigarette. She seems unattached and you seem to wonder if she is a daughter or a lover, most intriguing. The gentleman next to her stood up and starting packing his pipe with tobacco as if he were about to tell a tale of the high seas to all. His food arrived and he collapsed deflated as if his moment of greatness had been stolen from him. The dark lady without so much as glancing at him put her had on his arm and he seemed to pull himself together again.

Each table touched me in a different manner and it was good to be out in the sun and share breakfast with complete strangers. Open your eyes and look around you and see what is happening, there might be a whole new world waiting to let you in.

Nite all

Friends in Need

Life a certain way of hurting you, letting you get back on your feet and then crushing you. When your chest tightens, you have a lump in your throat and the tears are waiting in the corner of your eyes. I don't want this but it is not about me, its about two dear friends one has been told she has terminal cancer and not long to live and the other is her husband. My dear dear friends, I am so sad and have no idea what to do, I would like to run away and just pretend I didn't hear it. I would easily take the cowards choice.

Tomorrow I have to go see him and hopefully her too and somehow try and keep it all together or not. I am crying as I write this and I know he is hurting so badly. How must she feel to know it is almost done?

I imagine he has shrunk under the strain and I want to hug him and hold him as he cries. Or is it that I want him to hold me as I cry.

Love is so special and can give so much, but when it takes it rips and tears and leaves holes where it used to be. Love is an angry woman committing a crime of passion, nothing is spared as she strikes at all in her proximity.

There is no dignity in pain, in sorrow, in illness. It is real and raw and ruthless.

I cannot continue tonight, I must see my friends and touch them and somehow offer to share this burden.

Nite

Death adds Life

I was wondering about our fascination with death and how we are surrounded by it, live with it and in most cases we aren't even aware of it. Think about your hair. Its basically dead. Yet we cut it, style it, colour it, wash and condition it, but its dead!!

We spend money preparing for when we die and worry about what will or might or may not happen and before we realise it we are overcome with all this "concern". Suppose its a case of worrying instead of living for the moment.

So what's the answer Doc?

Try starting each day with a really big stretch, walk to a mirror and greet yourself with a smile and maybe even a wink. At this point make it a rule to greet the next 10 people you see with a smile and a "good morning" irrespective who they are or if you know them or not.
Then find 10 minutes of "me time" and have a cup of tea or a mug of coffee or warm water and just reflect on yesterdays highlights and smile. If you had a really bad day then be grateful that you have a new day, another chance, a clean slate.
As for the argument that you don't have 10 minutes, I don't accept that. You can't find 10 minutes out of 1440 minutes in a day for you? You are worth it and deserve it.

This won't fix everything, but if we can start with a smile we have a much better chance of it rubbing off on someone else.

Give it a go, all it will cost you is 10 minutes a day.

Nite all.

Touched by an Angel

It is a feeling of complete and utter happiness, its like an angel has come into your life and touched it in an amazing way.

There is a sparkle that wasn't there before, a shimmer of joy and astonishment and you feel like just sitting down right where you are and just absorbing it all.

Its the same feeling a teenager has when he sees the Victoria's Secret Catalogue for the first time or a three year old experiences on Christmas Morning when they see all the presents under the Christmas Tree.

The sheer bliss of digging a spoon into a freshly baked chocolate pudding and the chocolate sauce oozes out and mixes with the melting vanilla icecream. Special moments like this.

This has all come about because of a very special lady who has added something I was sorely missing in my life, a state of organisation and neatness. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a "undress at the front door and leave a trail of clothes" type of messiness, more a gathering of dust and accumulation of un-ironed clothing.

I have everything ironed and packed and organised and a dustless environment and. An aroma of furniture polish tickles your nostrils as you enter. My flat gets a weekly makeover, an excursion to a Spa, the gayboys have nothing on her!

Yes, so my love is superficial and selfish and a totally "me thing" but man o man it is awesome to behold. Like seeing me with a sixpack, a sight for sore eyes and potential beauty.

And so I must explore what else has been touched by an angel!

Nite all

Flattened

It has not been one of my better weekends. I felt it coming and did what most stubborn men would do, I powered on through thinking that this would be the end of it. It appears I was mistaken.

Friday arrived with my girls and I chilling and watching a couple of episodes of "The Mentalist" and having a slap together supper of leftovers and fresh rolls. So far so good.

What I had failed to mention was that i had been feeling a little tender earlier in the evening and should have sufficed with some toast or a bland supper instead of the butter roasted chicken with cheese, mayonnaise and lettuce. Common sense would have agreed with you.

All was well till about 23H00 that evening when I heard rumblings of thunder and got up to check that the bedroom window was closed only to discover that the evening sky was clear. It was a storm brewing in my belly! I scrambled for the bathroom and made it in time, only just.

This continued for 24 hours and eventually my bottom would begin sobbing at the mere sight of a piece of toilet paper approaching it.

Cramps, explosions, sweat and Oros and pills passed through a haze of sleep, sprints and sighs of relief. My girls were wonderful and helped wherever they could and I emerged Sunday morning weak and professing to respect my body, my belly and avoid highly spiced food unless the challenge involved a fair maiden, a sports team or beer. That seems fair.

It was a reminder to me that we are not super-humans and we cannot keep burning the candle at both ends, something has to give. I need a hobby, something out of the flat, something to distract me and focus some me-time on. Any ideas?

I am almost recovered and like a well tuned machine running on 3 cylinders I splutter forth and anxiously await breakfast.

Good Nite All

Single Parenting 101

I arrived home after work tired, irritable and basically miserable. It had been a tough day and I was finished.
This in itself is not a problem except I had my two girls waiting for me, excited, hungry and with tons of words they needed to use before they expired and disappeared forever.

So I did what any sensible rational single parent still new to the game would do, I jumped up and down in a tantrum of frustration and selfishness and demanded me-time and silence and a cooked meal. Actually I got hold of a good friend and her advice was simple, suck it up, get over it and love your kids.

You see I never realised the pressure single parents find themselves under, the sheer exhaustion when all have gone to sleep and the washing of dishes and clothes that never seem to end. Its Survivor - The Single Parent!

I love my kids more than life itself and will do whatever it takes to do what has to be done. I will do without and sell possessions if required, but I am human and have to admit that you have to dig deep some days. Life is tough. It isn't fair. And when you're down there seems to be a queue of people waiting to put the boot in. I had a tough day at work and some things were said that were not necessary and it put a real damper on my day. I need to exercise and am wondering if i can find the time let alone the energy to get started. It all takes time and effort doesn't it?

But and yes there is a but, there are moments of unbelievable joy, love and laughter that more than make up for all of this.

My girls have passed out next to me and the flat is dead quiet. It is peaceful and as I listen to their rhythmic breathing I know there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be.

Good Nite All

MSG

MSG!
How many of you know what it means?
Yes it is that whatchamacallit they put in food that has the potential ability to sprout forth a third eye, grow hair on the palms of your hands and permanently stain your clothes if you spill it on them.

But it could also be something completely different, we have a little game we play at the dinner table called "MSG" time. In our partially normal universe it stands for, "What made you Mad, Sad and Glad today"? And so we go around the table and share and express ourselves to each other. It is not only therapeutic (although my girls have at times called it irritating) but allows for healthy conversation over supper.

So, didn't think you would get off that easily did you, what was your MSG moments today? And take a few seconds and list them, try it.
Mine are as follows:
Mad - I made a basic admin error that wasn't noticed by me , but was picked up by one of our juniors. I was wrong to get mad about it but I did.
Sad - in my counselling session I was saddened about the destruction divorce causes to all those around it. It can so easily harm innocent bystanders unless it is addressed and worked on.
Glad - I shared a bowl of popcorn with Nicole tonight as we watched the Mentalist together.

It also forces us in times of hardship and depression to find a ray of sunlight, some hope in a seemingly lost world.

Give it a try and let's see what comes out of it.

Good Nite All

Valentines Day

What do you think of when you think of Valentines Day?
What is the impression that strikes you and leaves an imprint in your mind?
Do you celebrate Valentines Day?

In my mind I see red everywhere, red roses, red hearts, red gifts and even the chocolate is wrapped in red.
I see love and it dawns on me that love has no prejudices, it is old and it is young, it is black and it is white, it is silent and yet it screams from the mountains. It is a song, a poem, a touch and sometimes simply a look shared across a room.
It can cross oceans and even death cannot destroy it.
It is innocent and gentle and it can heal the most tragic hurt soul, it whispers like a breeze through a forest and strokes our hearts like a mother caressing her newborn.

I used to believe it was simply a commercial endeavour and yet I partook in it. But if it gives us a reason to forget about life and its challenges and focus our attention and love on someone other than ourselves, then I am for it.

Will I be celebrating it this year, I wish I could say yes. I wish I could be that someone special to someone who is away from me. I wish I could hold hands with her as we lie on our backs on a beach looking at the stars. I wish I could kiss her gently on her lips and whisper something cheesy like " you are the milk in my cereal".

I know it will not be an easy day for me and if you like me have no-one to share it with, maybe have a glass of red wine, a warm bath and something special for dessert.

Good Nite all.

Its No Party

I just don't get it sometimes.

You know those days where you feel a freight train is running over you and every time you try and stand up another coach hits you? Man o man i was low yesterday. Driving in a major thunderstorm and just feeling so down and sorry for myself that I needed a sympathetic voice and a friends ear.

But then fate dealt me a different blow, instead of a sympathetic ear and a gentle encouragement, I was taken by the collar and shaken, give a stern talking to and basically told to stop being ridiculous and pull myself together. I was instantly silence and a little shell shocked to say the least. Did it help?
Damn right it did, I had no answer for that! I was aware that it was not an easy path this divorce recovery and yet I seemed to have forgotten that I had been divorced for 14 months already. I had forgotten that I had a new home, I had my girls every alternate week and after a long struggle my house had been sold.

I had friends that cared and food at home.

Sometimes we need to be given a ragdoll shake, a little sympathy and another mini shake just to get the brain to arrange all our thoughts in perspectice again.

Did it make everything beautiful, did I have visions of vampires and werewolves giving each other manicures and facials, not quite. It just made me realise that depression is not a nice thing and it is part of the divorce process and perfectly normal. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It can be treated and managed and needs to be addressed, its not like a dog turd that will dry up and go away. Accept it, deal with it and learn to live with it, it is very possible.

So pucker up me beauties, there is still hope and where there is hope there is life.

Nite All

Lapses in Life

Have you ever felt like you have forgotten something really important? It starts off as a mild itch and finally it is a huge sneeze that makes you stop and say "That's it, I need to remember what it is".

So you start your check;
1 - belt - there
2 - underwear - there
3 - watch - there
4 - wallet - there
5 - matching shoes - there (don't laugh I once arrived at work wearing one black and one brown shoe)
6 - miniature frozen penguin keyring - only kidding just checking you're still with me.

It was only when I walked into the office and someone asked me if I had tried to skin myself alive that it dawned on me.
I had cut myself shaving a few times that morning because I was using a really cheap razor and had been too stubborn to change halfway. I looked like a walking post-stic memo board. These were the days where I had no hair and shaved my head as well. The little pieces of toilet paper were still all over my head.

This is more likely to happen if you are single or divorced as you don't have someone special to see you off in the morning with a hug and a kiss.
Then off to our hamster routine and hours of running on our treadmill before we arrive home tired.

The joy of divorce is that you can come home and you can chill, eat supper if you want to, lie on your bed and not feel guilty, have a bath or not and read the newspaper or a magazine uninterrupted. You have the freedom to decide what you want to do.

If your brain does short circuit and you momentarily forget where you are, it doesn't matter, reality will be waiting for you when you return. I have 2 daughters, beautiful girls so uniquely different in appearance and personality and yet I forget their names or get them confused with each other.

I regularly forget a password or important date and this is really going to rock your socks off, it doesn't matter, life carries on.

I get so disturbed by the little things that I sometimes forget the bigger picture, get distracted and lose focus and need to either bump my head to get it back in order or hear that "friggen hell Ted" shake me back to reality.

Basically, life doesnt wait for you, but the amazing part is you can join in and carry on pretty effortlessly. Its not a race but a journey.

Good Nite All

God, Gears and Good Friends

My day started with my girls pushing my car as we turned it around to drive forward, it was a classical "you might be a redneck if your daughters push your car cos reverse don't work" day.

I went for a haircut to try and change my mood, I partially paid my chemist account and had a cuppachino with a friend.
Then the day turned like a cat falling to the ground, Shane fixed my gears, his Mom gave me hope for financial recovery and I found my medicated sunglasses that make me look as cool as Michael Jackson doing a really hot Pepsi advert.

"C" added a new power word to my counselling and the word for today class is "perspective".
Basically life is hard, but smell the mould and realise that at least you don't have to water it.
If there is poo on the floor be glad its not on the ceiling and when you don't have reverse gear, use the five other gears you DO have.

God doesn't beat us with a stick, we are not in this mess alone and when life gets really difficult, well its ok to feel tired and admit it. To say you've had enough or can't take anymore is fine, to break down and have that emotional meltdown is fine and who the hell cares what people think. This is the hard one for me, I am so driven to put on the happy face and smile and crack jokes when inside I am broken. Forgive me but I am trying.

Yes God cares, yes He comforts and yes He longs for more from us.
I want my girls to open up to me, to be honest with me even when it hurts and to laugh and wrestle and tell me they love me. Which parent wouldn't want that? Do we ever say that or do we just mutter and grumble when things don't go our way?

The curving road is longer, but also more scenic if we remove our self pity blinkers and marvel at the beauty around us. I really want to try that.

Good nite all.

Tomorrow

Is it ok to feel scared?
Am I allowed to say it out loud and even think of it?
Will I be branded a coward for admitting it?

I have written exams and passed, played competitive sport and won and lost, spent almost 3 years in the Army and been married, divorced and more. I have been retrenched more than once, held my sick child and told God that if He wanted to take her I would let her go.

I have failed in business and cooked and delivered the cooked food on a scooter to keep my family fed.

I am not proud of what I have done, I am grateful I am still standing. I have cried like a baby when it dawned on me that my marriage was dead, sobbed when I first saw my then still wife and my ex friend in my kitchen cooking and living where I used to belong.

I have slept on couches in friends homes because I had nowhere to go, lived with families who opened their hearts and lives to me.

I have longed as that which I loved was taken from me and I felt the raw pain like an operation without an anaesthetic.
Lost my dog, obedient to death as she breathed her last breath and died in my arms as I kneeled on the floor holding her and kissed her as I said goodbye.

I was denied access to my girls when they were upset with me and I could not get to them to try and explain my side of the story..

I have cried to God and begged Him to explain why this was all happening and wondering where the next blow would be coming from.

I have tried to be brave when all I wanted to do was to crawl up and die and I have felt like the biggest failure in the world.

And yet, through all of this character building nightmares I am still breathing , working and am now a single Dad. I am not capable or qualified for this role and act in the best way possible.

I hurt and have friends who hurt.
I sometimes have to live for tomorrow when today becomes too much.

Tonight I must sleep for tomorrow will bring its own challenges.

Good nite all

Is God Out to Get Me?

So they tried to steal my car again from work, the bastards in the process managed to damage my drivers door lock, ignition and I no longer have a reverse gear.

Not having reverse is a bit of a problem as I discovered on the way home as going back is not presently an option. Parking becomes a challenge and pushing is now officially my latest exercise routine. I can see it on the dvd shelves, "Dr Ted's Push Back Routine", a shove a day keeps the flab away, push more till its sore, you'll get tough if you push enough.

So is God out to get me? I would like to just blame Him and more on feeling sorry for myself, but bad things happen! That's it. I was angry, bitter and willing to kill if I found those oxygen thieves, I was also upset because they tried to steal my car and not one of my co-workers cars. Nice attitude right?

I am human, I stood there so mad at the world and God and everything and was thinking why the hell me?
Why can't I get a break?
I was on the verge of tears because of all this rage and it took me a while to calm down. It took a counselling session to put things in perspective and realise I still had my car, no-one had been injured and it was still driveable.
I don't have insurance because I can't afford it, I have no savings and I need my car to transport my girls and get to my vending machines that put food on the table. If I lose it I am about as effective as a clay pigeon served with roast vegetables.

I don't understand why or how and I don't think God is out to get me, if anything I am sure He feels as frustrated as I do about everything.

Keep smiling and good nite all