Tomorrow

Is it ok to feel scared?
Am I allowed to say it out loud and even think of it?
Will I be branded a coward for admitting it?

I have written exams and passed, played competitive sport and won and lost, spent almost 3 years in the Army and been married, divorced and more. I have been retrenched more than once, held my sick child and told God that if He wanted to take her I would let her go.

I have failed in business and cooked and delivered the cooked food on a scooter to keep my family fed.

I am not proud of what I have done, I am grateful I am still standing. I have cried like a baby when it dawned on me that my marriage was dead, sobbed when I first saw my then still wife and my ex friend in my kitchen cooking and living where I used to belong.

I have slept on couches in friends homes because I had nowhere to go, lived with families who opened their hearts and lives to me.

I have longed as that which I loved was taken from me and I felt the raw pain like an operation without an anaesthetic.
Lost my dog, obedient to death as she breathed her last breath and died in my arms as I kneeled on the floor holding her and kissed her as I said goodbye.

I was denied access to my girls when they were upset with me and I could not get to them to try and explain my side of the story..

I have cried to God and begged Him to explain why this was all happening and wondering where the next blow would be coming from.

I have tried to be brave when all I wanted to do was to crawl up and die and I have felt like the biggest failure in the world.

And yet, through all of this character building nightmares I am still breathing , working and am now a single Dad. I am not capable or qualified for this role and act in the best way possible.

I hurt and have friends who hurt.
I sometimes have to live for tomorrow when today becomes too much.

Tonight I must sleep for tomorrow will bring its own challenges.

Good nite all