An Ode to my Friends

Its a little bit funny

This feeling inside
I used to be one whose feelings would hide
I lost a lot of things
Including love and pride
But I got a second chance and the old Ted has died

And you can tell everybody
I messed up and lied
I don't care cos the ones I love are here by my side
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
If I shout to the world
How wonderful life is with my 2 favourite girls

Looked out at my past
And I hang my head in shame
I got seduced by the world
And its soul stealing ways
But then I fell and I stumbled and I sobbed where I lay
Till you lifted me up and said "it'll be ok"

And now there's a rainbow and good friends next to me
I've got comfort and love and great company
And anyway what I'm really trying to say
Thank you for showing me it'll all be ok.

Karma Says . . .

Dear Ted,

Thank you for your letter and enquiries, I thought it better to respond as such and not in person. For reasons unknown to me, my presence seems to alarm folk.

1. There is no priority and my email system does not have a junk folder, but rather files the cases in order of Karma Retribution and Justice.
I do however hand pick 9 special cases a day for my pleasure and amusement.
2. There is no expiry date to the cases, however sometimes I leave it and see if the parties show any remorse. A 20 year wait is not unfamiliar at all. If no remorse is shown, I have been known to allow their children to provide more that adequate grey hairs for them. Patience is my middle name.

3. Repeat offenders or as I prefer to call them Repeaters, they are the special folk who are oblivious of the trails they leave behind them as they bulldoze through and over live. They bruise and hurt others along the way and the higher they seem to climb, the less the rules seem to apply to them. They are not as untouchable as they seem and when I let them believe they are immune to me, I often hurt them where it hurts the most, their loved ones.

4. Immunity is possible in all cases, but seldom occurs for the simple reason that humans are stubborn, selfish and stupid. They want to wash away the past and ignore their actions without any humility or forgiveness. Life simply doesn't work that way.

5. The Lotto is a brilliant idea and one I will certainly consider. Thank you.

Unfortunately Santa and I had words, he insists on a no-underwear policy and Mrs Claus has complained to me on numerous occasions of the problems she has in trying to save his trousers. He is indeed a smelly old man.

Remember Ted that there are no rules in my world and I strongly believe in the old remedy of an eye for an eye. Some call me cold hearted and others a bitch, I simply give what is due.

Regards
Karma

Coldplay Afterparty

It started off as it normally does, innocently attending a concert with Parlatones and then Coldplay.
That was fine, then there was the off the cuff remark of popping into a club for a drink or two.

My first alert should have been the 50+ year old man on his haunches outside the entrance with his hands tied behind his back. He was apprehended in the act of peddling drugs inside the club.

Second alert was the steroid filled gentleman dressed in black who could only grunt and gave me a body search that made me feel a cigarette was required to complete the experience. I was made to empty my pockets and my wallet was fondled, emptied and I am sure if I had a condom in it, it would been used on me that very instant.

The beer was cold, however everything you touched or leant against or stepped on was sticky. The bar lady proceeded to whack the bottom of her associate barman with such vigour that I expected his four good teeth to deposit themselves on the barcounter.

Next alert was the average age of those in the club was from 15 to 40 and the 15 year old girls were extremely at ease with their short skirts, painted faces, cigarettes and beverages. I found myself wondering if they were brought here by their parents and groomed to the point where this was now their playground. It also seemeds as if the dress code of shorts and slip slops were perfectly acceptable.

The final alert that sent cold shivers through me and gripped my heart harder than a pitbull clinging onto a cat was when the barlady winked at me and laughed as if she had just found dessert.

I returned to my table only to observe the one male at the table next to me pretend to urinate into his beer, hereby informing his girlfriend he needed to visit the mensroom. She smiled in acknowledgement.


Enough said?

Let me add that it was indeed an eye opener and yet a once in a lifetime experience. having a good mate along to share it worth? Priceless!

Thanks Stephen.

Nite all.

Dear Karma

Dear Karma,

I am sure you are extremely busy and as such wish to be as polite and to the point as possible.
I have some complaints or concerns for want of a better word.


1. Do you prioritise cases as they are emailed to you or is it that some are accidentally funnelled into your junk folder. That sometimes happens to my mail so just want to check to see if you know about it.


2. Do requests/cases/incidents have expiry dates?Just asking because you seem to be dragging your feet on some of mine. Not complaining, just mentioning it.



3. Are you harsher on repeat offenders, you see some folk have been getting so far up my nose that they have     
 sprouted hair and are now invading my bald spot. Do repeat offenders feel your joyous wrath with more intensity?



4. Please don't tell me that there is immunity for some bottoms, because that would make for the use of language  
that would make Gordon Ramsay sound like the Pope. 


5. Has the thought of a Karma Lotto been considered? We, the offended, get to purchase a ticket and should we  
win, well let's just say that you get to do what you do so well immediately.

I have spoken to some fellow colleagues who seem to share my concern that you seem to be slightly out of your depth. Have you considered roping in Santa, he is free 11 months a year and can be a real self righteous pri... um piece of work at times.

I trust I have not taken up too much of your time and await with anticipation your response or interventions.


Yours Sincerely
Dr Ted

Thanks Be to You

In the past 36 hours I have setup a home network Mac system, had a tattoo (a gift from my girls) longed for   a birthday cake and received 2 and thats just the start of it.

It has been a whirlwind of adrenaline a sugarless and chemical free high and emotional shock.
I have loved, been loved, been spoilt, laughed and cried and had an one armed bathed.
I have been driven around a golf estate in a golf cart by Nicole and Simon and gone from complete calm to the verge of screaming like a Williams sister and jumping off in a sheer act of survival. I spent 2 and a bit years in the Army with 18 year olds who were not qualified to pick their noses without adult supervision, but were deemed perfectly capable of operating a rifle with live ammunition and they scared me less than my daughters driving display.

Would I do it again, hell yes, who wants to end up looking like Mickey Rouke who has had so many facelifts that his belly button is now a dimple on his chin?

I cried because my silent birthday wish was for a cake and i was blessed with 2, I had a meal with family and shared coffee with friends. I received over a 100 birthday wishes and was humbled by the kind remarks teasing, for those who took the time to tease, laugh, insult and wish me, bless you for making me a very happy man.

Two years ago I celebrated my first birthday as a separated man and the road towards today has not been laden with chocolate bunnies and midgets wielding toothpicks as spears and matches as flame throwers. It has been a spiritual and emotional journey that has made the Oprah Windfree Show look like an episode of South Park.

So tonight, it is with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I acknowledge each of you and the remarkable role you have played in the lives of Simon, Nicole and myself and humbly thank you all.

  
Nite my special friends.

Birthday

Years have a way of sneaking up and accumulating and this can be seen as getting older or as I prefer to think, collecting memories. 

Birthdays are not as important to me anymore, what is however is the joy and love of friends and my amazing family. I have folk who tease me mercilessly and I love it.

 I have few wrinkles as the fat hides them and my rotound face is living proof of that. Eat away those wrinkles and lines haha. My angels still get so excited about my birthday and I love that innocent excitement. Life is ok. The challenges will always be there so no need trying to bury them under illusions of Grandeur. Yes, I get sad feel low despondent, but I also tease laugh and kiss and hug. But the cake! Man I need a cake today! Being divorced does not unfortunately entitle me to a complimentary cake. A little sad perhaps.

 So I await the arrival of today the same way a puppy awaits its master returning from work.

 Nite All