I Hate

Things I hate, I wish I could be more level headed about this, but here goes.

I don't mind being a single 45 year old male trying to reconstruct his life from the bottom up, I don't mind that I no longer have my big house, large garden and my beautiful faithful dog Lucy waiting for me when I get home. I can get over having the most amazing neighbours and having a few beers at the wall and the meals together. I can even get over the fact that not everything was 100% in my marriage.

But what I hate is divorce and the destruction, pain, chaos and continued cancer it leaves in its wake. It has the same effect as performing brain surgery with a chainsaw. It rips and tears and all who are close are splattered with the consequences and share in the shambles.

I hate that it affects my girls, my reason for existence and my pride and joy. It has caused me much sorrow and constant questioning and patience from friends as I attempt somehow to understand and unravel this mess.

I hate that my one daughter has decided not to spend Christmas day with me. I accept that it is a testing of wills and the circumstances need not be disclosed, but it breaks a 12 year tradition and leaves an empty seat in me..

I hate that there is a very good chance that this will affect my girls relationships with men in the future.
I pray that somehow they will look at the chaos and make sense of it all and be able to avoid the errors and confusion they have watched unfold before them.

Now I am weary, Nite all.

Madness with Coffee and Muffin

I am watching Simon my eldest daughter wrap presents as we listen to Nirvana and I sip generously on an iced cold beer.

We did shopping hard core this morning and are now in a state of relaxation knowing that 90% of the shopping is done and dusted.

Nicole decided not to spend the night and day with us due to circumstances not needed to be disclosed, tears were shed and emotions were raw, such is the situation when it comes to divorce and kids.

So coffee and breakfast was held before the attack on the various outlets were declared, my giant sized choc-chip muffin fresh from the oven eaten with melting butter and grated cheese and downed with a mega cuppachino. It was the breakfast of kings and my smiling eyes teased the other shoppers are they hurried past unsmiling and harassed at 9 in the morning, a little sad I thought.

It makes me think that the rat race has deprived us of the simple joys in life like a cup of coffee with a friend, singing to a complete stranger, she laughed and Simon shook her head and saying Merry Christmas to the shop assistants, never forgetting that most of them are tired and perhaps a little irritable as well.

Quote of the day, "He's crying because the service is so bloody slow" from a slightly irate Mom of a 2 year old boy.

My thought for the day, well loved spending time with Simon, but would have liked Nicole to have been with us.

All I Want for Christmas is . . . .

All I want for Christmas is . . . . .

What the heck do I want! I have been divorced for just over a year and have slowly carved a new life for myself.

I have a home, more than adequately kitted out. I have food, enough to throw a meal together in a jiffy should a bus load of cheerleaders come knocking on my door begging for comfort from the harsh African sun.
My net curtaining finally reaches the floor as prescribed and insisted upon by the owner of the complex, the extensions were hand cut, measured with 3 good eyes and stapled to the too short upper section. Not sophisticated perhaps, but it serves a purpose and gives me a slight moral victory!
I have coffee enough to resist the forces of tea loving visitors for a few months and spare milk hidden in case the cereal eating bunnies use all my fridge can hold.
Red wine sorted.
White wine? Not necessary.
I cannot wish for world peace or to feed the starving children in Africa as this is reserved and patented by the Miss USA Association.
A cure for aids would involve the abstention of humans in the act of sex and we honestly have a better chance of Justin Bieber getting his voice back or Yoko Ono refraining from singing.

Toys I have enough of, books I have plenty that beg me to open their covers and delve into the secrets that lie within.
Love? I have the love of my girls, family and amazing friends and that will suffice me for now.

My present accommodation does not permit me to have a pet but a friend shares 2 bull terriers and allows me access time. This is more precious to me than money and makes me smile and sad at the same time. It is a true blessing.

So what is left?
What else do I require?
I know what I lust for but they are worldly things and they come and go like. Granddad's flatulence.

I wish for a day of hugs, a day where smiling eyes and laughter carry me through the day and help me forget about life for a while.

That's what I want

Good Nite.

The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating

Welcome to 'The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating for 2011'

All your queries, myths, unspoken truths will not be addressed, they won't be answered but there will be recommendations and words of wisdom tainted ever so slightly by a pale ale.

This not a how-to manual but more of a guide to managing and getting the most out your marriage by applying the 5 Foundation Philosophies. So without any further delays, let's get ready for play.

1. Listen.
Many a man has been heard to utter 'I can't hear without a beer' or his partner has sweetly stated 'Chat and tea, just you and me'. The truth is that we need to be receptive to each other and hear what each other has to say.

2. Touch
This is not the game also known as naked tag or Espionage 101 Booby Trap, but affirmation, assurance, hugs that just drain your worries away and make you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. The simple joy of holding hands and of eyes meeting and lips smiling.

3. Deeds
We do things for people and yet we often neglect those closest to us. My daughter loves it when I massage her head, she almost goes into a trance and enters a state where she would doze off if I didn't tickle her. Making someone a cup of tea or a filling the chocolate jar before they wake up and leave the lid off. Sitting through Karate Kid when you would rather have your prostrate checked the old 'hold your breath' way!
Do a Deed a Day.

4. Laugh
Learn to laugh more often and see the funny side of life. Don't become a fool as there are serious sides to life as well. I chose to joke about everything and as such my partner could not share a lot with me. That was my loss. Laugh together, love together and learn to cry together. That sort of sharing is essential. I have cried with my girls and it was so honest and so raw I could not explain it to you.

And finally

5. Live
What's the point of holding back when you only have one chance at this. Make pancakes naked, sing in a public area, buy a stranger a gift, help someone across the street even if it means you might be late for work. Imagine the clouds are magical shapes and be better than you want to be. Spend time playing with kids or dogs or something different, deliver cupcakes to random people and stop to smell the roses.

That's it.
That's all I have.
Dream your reality and live it.
Sadness is acceptable and smiles are forever.

Good Nite

Life and Memories

What would you do if I sang out of tune

Would you get up and walk out on me?

I have quoted this on so many occasions that it seems to have become a part of my life, I do sing out of tune and man can I sing out of tune well. I have sung in a shower and almost drowned myself, I have gargled with Jack Daniels and lost and have sipped champagne from the lips of a beautiful woman.

Whenever I have found myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me and when I am running on empty, I have wept blood and sweated all along the Watchtower.

At this stage you must be asking what the hell is he trying to say, so let me begin by saying the following, I am not proud of some of the choices I have made and I must answer for them, I have loved and been loved, I have stared into the face of an angel and seen her tears as her guitar gently weeps. I have considered the words of poets when they said, 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with' and turned and walked away.

I have crashed vehicles in the town where the streets have no names and have waited for the sunrise with tequila as my only companion, felt my heart stop beating as I held my daughters when they were born and cried as I realised they were really mine and alive. I have held my daughter on two occasions and accepted that it might be last time I would see her alive as she struggled to breathe and was as pale as the desert moon on a winters night.

I have hummed in a cat-scan machine with my eyes closed so I would not panic from claustrophobia and been chased by a tractor while completely sober.

I have told ghost stories around camp fires, cycled on dirt roads so bumpy I could not sit or walk normally for a couple of days.

But all of this I would trade to be with my girls right now, memories are nothing without someone to share it with, one day it shall be different but for now I live for the other week.

Good Night

Christmas in Cuba

I want to go to Cuba.
Not the new Americanised Cuba of old, but the one Hemingway fell in love with.

Stunning colours and old American cars, small dark bars that smell of rich Cuban tobacco. Friendly faces and the sounds of children playing in the streets.

Beautiful tanned ladies with swinging hips and smiling eyes whose voices mesmerize you and take you far away. Makes you forget about your worries for a while and life seems nice.

So we have Cuban cigars, rum, beautiful people, music that moves you and food man oh man food cooked by a large hairy woman who grunts and mumbles to herself but cooks like an angel.

Sounds like a damn fine Christmas if you ask me, but something is missing, the one vital ingredient.

Family.

Family includes special friends.
If you have no-one to share it all with you may as well not celebrate it at all. Life is about sharing, be it love, sorrow, pain or joy.

Add all of the above together and you have memories. That's the best gift anyone could wish for this Christmas.

Good nite