Hope

I was asked if I was bitter about what had happened to my marriage and my answer was no. Angry, upset, yes but not bitter. My feeling is that we do get second chances in life and I want to be able to jump in with the full confidence of a carrot hopping into shark infested waters.

Regrets of course, I was asked by my girls if I ever regretted having them and I emphatically told them they were a blessing beyond life, they are my oxygen.

So why do I say this, well I have reached the next stage in my recovery and have faced a hurdle this week I have tried to avoid and silence for 5 years. Financial forgiveness, restoring some humanity to a series of bad decisions and greed riddled ventures. I screwed up and have been punishing myself for a long time now, I tried everything and failed.

A fresh start, like divorce it is not the end of life as we know it, but a stepping stone to something better, a chance to take what we had and do it better next time around. Yes I would like to love again and be loved again. When? I don't know. When the time is right whenever that is.
What I have now is nice, two adoring daughters that fill my life with a combination of joy, laughter, frustration and love. Our home is warm and we embrace the hard times with the laughter and honesty and when we lock heads we attempt to do it in a manner that doesn't break down the other person.

I have hope and that doesn't mean I have no concerns, I bob up and down like a raisin in a champagne glass. I over-think things till I cannot sleep, but I try and get that smile out when I would rather curl up and hide. If all else fails, I have a circle of friends who encourage, intrude and sometimes even threaten and that makes it all a whole lot easier.

My bed awaits and I must rest before the urge to exercise is forced upon me like a brussel sprout kebab.

Nite all