Cold Turkey

Love is a drug.

It is the morphine that sometimes binds relationships and keeps couples together. It can be positive and strengthen you and enable to endure tough times easier or it can become an addiction that slowly destroys one or both of you and leaves you no more than a shadow of your present self.

I have not recovered from my addiction yet and as such I have days where I cope brilliantly and others where I am dragged to the edge of hell and must cling on till it wears off. I cannot predict when it will come, it is pretty much like a distant relative that you fear who arrives unexpectedly and then stays till they decide it is time to move on. I cannot simply erase it or ignore it for it must run its course and only time and God can heal it.

Add to this recipe of rehab the sudden removal of Coke Light and a litre of Oros a day, sugar, the reduction of chemicals, addition of nutrients and a change in diet and you have the makings of the Amy Winehouse classic hit.

Emotionally I am beyond weary and somehow hope I can supply my precious daughters with all they require from me. I am too tired to cry and find myself wanting to hide in a corner on a bad day.
Do not misunderstand me, I am a far different man from the man in the mirror last year.

And my addiction, well it has to be faced and I thank you for helping and encouraging me, you have no idea what a difference it makes having friends that journey with you. But now it is once more time to dream and who knows where that journey will take me tonight.

Good nite all

The Long Wait

I hate the time spent in the waiting area of a doctors room, I have such a phobia of all folk medical because they might find "something". In these times more and more people are being diagnosed with stuff and I have enough stuff thank you very much.

If I had a choice I would never see one again, unfortunately I can't sleep without medication and am on another 4 that enable me to function normally in a very anti-normal world.

So what's wrong you ask? Well, I am tired of being pumped with chemicals and tablets with names so long I couldn't ever remember it. I am exploring after much consoling and encouragement from C and L to visit a homeopath. Initially my mind was a-whirl with images of a bent thin lady in a dark cloak with a crooked nose and eyes that seem to hate each other and thus lurk on opposite sides of her face. She grinds roots and bones and dry organs and smoke emerges from her mortar as she mutters to herself.

So needless to say, if she pointed a scrawny finger at me and smiled ever so slightly, I was running down the road screaming like a baby.

You see, I hate not being in control, I do not fear the unknown as long as I understand it and can rationalise with it. And so I wait, the only patient or victim or donor, like an elephant on a wooden swinging bridge.

And then she appeared, a beautiful lady with brown shoulder length hair and the most comforting smile. She was brilliant, professional and everything I didn't expect. What an amazing positive experience and the chemical reversal process begins.

New day New hope

Night All

Dr Ted vs Dr Phil

Who the heck is Dr Phil and why is he so popular? I can do that stuff all I need are the following;
A belly - got it
Receding hairline - almost
Suit - have one and it fits
Not an Oprah fan - haha oh yes
Stupid People - see lots daily

So here we go, Dr Ted and his version of how to get over your failed diet.
Mary-Lou, I know you're disappointed and hate yourself for eating those 3 burgers with extra fries, 2 large sodas, wedge of chocolate cake and icecream and 2 cups of coffee before breakfast, but honey its perfectly normal. He had no right for cussing you for eating 2 packets of Oreo's and drinking the good milk in bed, it aint your fault you fell asleep on the half eaten bowl of mac and cheese and the ants came a visiting in the night. He's a sad, inconsiderate son of a gun and only good for Jerry Springer reruns. He doesn't appreciate the true you and that skinny girl inside that's crying to get out, but keeps getting attacked by hotdogs. I feel your pain and if you get off my chest I am pretty sure you will realise that.

Make any sense? Didn't think so, but it does remind me that we live in a society that blames everyone else when we possibly need to look at ourselves a little closer. Don't wait for next week, your partner, Mom or Dad or even God to take that step for you. I did and all it taught me is that I wasted some prime time waiting instead of living.
We have to take that step in faith and risk failure but also experience life to its fullest.

I am trying to move ahead, would you like to join me?

Good Night All

Happy Birthday Kim

Signs of the Date

There is an unspoken language that exists between the fairer sex and the Neanderthal race, a flutter of a hint, the slightest intent of a smile, the crossing and uncrossing of legs. Other signs I am told include the flicking of hair, licking of lips and leaning towards the other person.

No if someone really likes you and suddenly does all of the above, it could seem like the killing scene from 'True Blood'.

The reason for my quest for info was that I needed to know if the rules had changed since the eighties with the Womans Liberation Army, GreenPeace and the Ozone Holy Speculationists. If love is the answer and I don't know the rules, how will I know the question?

The other strong strain of thought is the "Get Up Stand Up" approach. Johnny Bravo's "Hey Pretty Mama, wanna come up to my room and see my pretty muscles" had a very limited positive response, seems he is no longer the hero he was 10 yrs ago.

Look her in the eye, smile slightly and ask her, "Magdalena, you wanna hold my hand, do you mind if I kiss you, date you and embrace you or would you prefer Option B".
If she asks what Option B is tell her it doesn't matter because you can't think like a man when your heart is ripped and torn like losing lotto ticket. Dramatic, but a beautiful Kodak moment.

Basically, you have to get out there, strutt your stuff and sell yourself and somehow hope that you succeed, if not persevere and enjoy the hunt.

Comments welcome.

Good Nite All

Emotional Rescue

There are numerous aspects of life that seem to have changed radically for me since my divorce, perhaps the one I have battled the most with are my emotions.

They used to be extremely well buried and tucked away thank you very much, however counselling, reality and a zeal to be a better person have forced me to face them head on. It was alarming to say the least to feel profuse anger and emotional pain equivalent to hitting your thumb with a hammer. My eyes watered, I tried to hold in the pain but to now avail. I did what my mother often did, I questioned my sanity and felt as if the entire world was observing me through a microscope. I tried putting on a Tiger Woods face and almost believed I had fooled my friends, I hadn't but they humoured me and played along. All with the exception of one who took me by the scruff of my emotional neck and shook me silly. Sometimes tough love means the kick in the lower regions is required to make us sit up and squeak back to reality.

I fear emotions because I cannot control them and there lies a potential flood that could release itself and embarrass me. I am a man, a physical man, I went to the army and played rugby dammit. Before Brokeback Mountain all cowboys were John Wayne and Clint Eastwood and pain was dealt out not experienced.

I was wrong. I was a fool. I apologise and ask for forgiveness for those I offended or hurt.

My lesson came at a price, huge for me yet something that is turning out to be the most amazing blessing so far in my life. I feel life, sense it and am able to be vulnerable to it. I am afforded the opportunity to see my girls as little woman and not just my daughters, I respect that others have opinions and sometimes I need to shut up.

Now is one of those times.

Good Nite all.

The Whole Food

I have heard a lot of talk about whole food and as an avid eater, cook anti-dieter, I feel it is my responsibility to clear up certain misconceptions in this matter.

If I may be so bold as to quote from my never to published potential bestseller “Naked Eating and other Habits”, ‘You are not what you eat, you are in fact a walking talking food processor. You eat it, process it and churn it out. Done’

My profession interpretation of whole food is as it implies, whole. A whole chicken, whole apple or apple pie, whole leg of lamb. Despite my passionate approach to eating and the art of forking objects on my dinner plate, the assumption to eat till full, rest and enter phase two will not lead to untold joy unless you accept who you are and are comfortable with it.

It is not the volume of food that we consume, but in fact the time frame, circumstances and social surroundings that impact on our blood pressure and bloated midriffs. If we accept a meal as a social event as such laugh, chat and embrace it instead of our Western culture of attacking it in silence or in from of an electronic device and shovelling down opious amounts of processed fried fats, we might see that there is a world outside our curtains.

This morning I had fresh avocado on wholewheat toast with butter, ground black pepper and salt and ate it on the patio overlooking the trees, gardens and children waiting for their school bus to arrive. It was a refreshing meal in more ways than one.

Rob, you have inspired me by raising my interest and passion for food again, thank you Sir. Karen your peasant remedies research will be incorporated and is much appreciated. Candy for wanting to strangle me, refraining and endless support Tracey for the lectures on the importance of lunch, Merci

My mission and vision is simple. I will eat my way to health and in the process enlighten and encourage my daughters to embrace food passionately and not settle for the crap we grab on the run as we sprint through life. Time to slow down and smell the aroma.

Good Nite All

Gastronomical Gloom

Good grief it was hot today, I had a green apple at 10h00 and found it very unappetising without cinnamon, lovely baked crust and cream. Apparently this raw fruit thing is quite popular, tastes unbaked and in desperate need of sugar to me.

Then the temperature hit 32'c and despite the aircon, melting was prone to set in. I had bottled bubbly water, Coke Light, coffee and none quenched my thirst for lunch. I had awoken this morning and made myself a salad, yup my gastronomic life was heading for social suicide.

I have made a decision after a run in with a large rude mirror that I needed to shed the equivalent of a small child in body mass. Removed from my life was my passionate attraction to pizza, cheeseburgers, crumbed pork chops, beer, oh sweet juice of the gods and nectar of mother nature. I was going through my second divorce, one that I had to instigate, follow through on and where I was the guilt party. It was a burden that would weigh me down before I could lose this load.

It was a desert of salad, steamed vegetables and tuna. And this compulsion people have with water, when I last looked this what we put into cars radiators and toilets! No wonder you lose weight when you drink it.

Dieting is like kissing a mannequin I would presume, devoid of passion, life and pleasure. It would be so much easier with hot baked bread smothered in melting butter and a tick slice of strong mature cheese on it. But alas I must depart for my tomatoes and cucumber and oh so crispy lettuce beckons.

Farewell Friends

What would you do?

There were two songs going through my head when I though about this blog. The first was Crosby Stills Nash and Young "If you can be with the one you love honey, love the one you're with" and the second was Bruce Springsteen "Human Touch".

Both indicate that its ok to have a non committal relationship for the sake of physical pleasure and that there aren't any consequences. Now believe me I love the sight of a beautiful woman as much as the next guy and have all the urges and desires any guy would have. It is by no means easy to consider a relationship when you have to question your motives and especially if you are hurting.
I love women, their mannerisms, chattiness and emotions, their gentle touch and passion in all aspects of their life. It is all intertwined and networked and somehow there is a reason less woman die of heart attacks than men.

So what would you do?
What would you do for love?
Would you walk away for love?
Would you consider swallowing your pride for love?
Would you change for love?

I decided early on in my divorce that I would do anything to "fix" all that needed to be fixed and thus enable me to move on with my life. What I could fix and I still battle with is time, I cannot fix that. The old phrase that time heals all is only true if you genuinely can forgive and avoid bitterness.
The past is like a melted chocolate. It is kinda lost its purpose yet it can either bring you joy and pleasure or make you angry because it is messy and not what you expected, the choice is yours. Maybe even a little like my belly.

There is a Meatloaf song I paraphrased " I would do anything for love, but I won't eat that", funny but reminds me of playing hide the pumpkin on my plate as a kid.

What does the future hold? Who knows! I need to continually work at who I am and accept more than I criticise, I can't give up and so I rise each morning sometimes wearily. By getting up I am in the game of life and unless you play you can't participate.

Nite All

Hope

I was asked if I was bitter about what had happened to my marriage and my answer was no. Angry, upset, yes but not bitter. My feeling is that we do get second chances in life and I want to be able to jump in with the full confidence of a carrot hopping into shark infested waters.

Regrets of course, I was asked by my girls if I ever regretted having them and I emphatically told them they were a blessing beyond life, they are my oxygen.

So why do I say this, well I have reached the next stage in my recovery and have faced a hurdle this week I have tried to avoid and silence for 5 years. Financial forgiveness, restoring some humanity to a series of bad decisions and greed riddled ventures. I screwed up and have been punishing myself for a long time now, I tried everything and failed.

A fresh start, like divorce it is not the end of life as we know it, but a stepping stone to something better, a chance to take what we had and do it better next time around. Yes I would like to love again and be loved again. When? I don't know. When the time is right whenever that is.
What I have now is nice, two adoring daughters that fill my life with a combination of joy, laughter, frustration and love. Our home is warm and we embrace the hard times with the laughter and honesty and when we lock heads we attempt to do it in a manner that doesn't break down the other person.

I have hope and that doesn't mean I have no concerns, I bob up and down like a raisin in a champagne glass. I over-think things till I cannot sleep, but I try and get that smile out when I would rather curl up and hide. If all else fails, I have a circle of friends who encourage, intrude and sometimes even threaten and that makes it all a whole lot easier.

My bed awaits and I must rest before the urge to exercise is forced upon me like a brussel sprout kebab.

Nite all