Cuppachino Dreams

I have made a cuppachino I would have killed for! It looked so pretty I wanted to kiss it. You ever wanted to kiss a cuppachino? Well I did! WOW

‎​it was like that moment when the Prince first lays eyes on the princess and the world slows down and the music stops playing. You could not hear an ant breathe

Mountains collided, waves crashed, nuns wept!

How do you top 'nuns weeping'?

My girls have just spent a week with me and despite the fact that Nicole wasn't well and I worked really hard, we had a good time. We chatted laughed, agreed and argued, feelings were hurt and comforting words were required, but this is life and it was good. The cuppachinos pretty much describe my girls in my life. You can't get too much of them, they are great even if they have no sugar and are cold. They are great any time of the day or night and when you have a cuppachino in your hand, you seem to forget about life and its burdens for a while.

When I kiss my girls on their brow, I feel as if I am telling them in some unspeakable language that I am there, that I care, that they mean more than everything else and that kiss is a promise that I will never stop loving them. Ever.

In case the coffee concubines kidnap me tonight and whisk me off to wherever it is they take people, have an really groovy tomorrow and stop for a cup of coffee.

Spend a little time forgetting about your problems, your concerns, your debt, how you are going to pay the bond. Just close your eyes and smile and say 'thank you' for what you have.

Tonight I am alone again, it isn't nice but I had seven great nights.

Good nite

Fight or Flee

Ever wondered what the hell you are doing?
Where am I heading and what am I getting myself into?
Why me, why not someone else and why now?

Life has an intriguing way of opening doors ever so slightly and letting just enough light through for us to see it. What we do is one of two things, one, we ignore it and tell ourselves it wasn't ever there. Or two, we take a deep breathe and head towards it irrespective of the consequences.

This determines the way we face life, love and heartache. We can confront it or ignore it and hope it simply fades away and nobody notices. In the past while I have had to confront many issues I would simply have laughed off before. I have had to look myself. And examine the naked man before me, no mean task as that much nudity should not be exposed all at once.

I didn't like what I saw and decided that I could learn from my mistakes and move ahead or wallow in self pity. I bathed in self pity for some time and it took a couple of really hard kicks to the butt to awaken me and begin the motion forward. It is definitely harder to move a resting object that to change the direction of one already in motion.

So I must move ahead and steer my ship into stormy waters and see what challenges await me.

Adventure? Sadness? Failure? Love? Purpose?

Time will tell.

Join me as my journeys heads off into the distant yonder.

Good nite.

Choices

It takes a decision, an action, the ability to choose a path and step onto the road that leads to it.

The teaching is that we have the ability and choice to determine which way we steer our course in life. We determine the route and when we deviate and wander down the long winding road, there will be adventures that await us.

I have been afraid at times to let go of my safety harness, I fear free falling because falling hints at loss of control on my part. It likes going into a public toilet blindfolded, you don't know what you getting into and worst of all, if there is any toilet paper!!

So I have ventured cautiously at times and then over compensated and gone Julius Malema at other times, that implies a complete lack of judgment and no concern for any consequences. Like to think they might balance out.

Choices.

I choose to see the shooting star as an opportunity to make a wish and smile as I believe in magic for a micro second or alternatively consider it as a redundant satellite hurtling towards earth with the acute possibility of killing some mystical eastern philosopher prone for greatness in the Western World Wilderness, or the www as we commonly refer to it. Maybe that's why Bill Gates keeps his windows closed on account of heavenly hail. Enough Ted enough.

What I am saying is our attitude determines our success or failure, our health, our friendship and our hope for tomorrow.

Good nite

Scar or Smile

Is it wrong to ponder the relationship you expected to last forever and somehow endeavour to contemplate it in the greater circle of life and love? In simple english, will love come knocking again?

The arrival of my girls reminded me of the lack of female touch in my home, the pillows I gave to the cleaner because they were not fitting for a middle aged batchelor and is it batchelor or divorcee? Is there a significant difference or does the one just cost you more in lawyers fees to obtain.

I keep coming back to certain issues and there is no answer or closure yet.
There is sadness and pain, yet could this be the pre-empting of hope?
Does all of this somehow take all of the scars and knit them together to make us whole and stronger than before?
Or am I simply searching for a happy ending in a world where trust is not plausible?

I am weary and need to continue another night.

Another day another battle, scar or smile? Who knows?

Good nite

Cape Town

"It starts with chocolate cake and sparkles, old friends, new friends and loving daughters. Irish coffees without cream because they have run out and appear with cream, sound sinister?

Cape Town has been a journey of renewell and growth for me, I discovered the ability to laugh freely and just have fun again. My throat is sore from talking too loudly and I am feeling fluey, but I have had coffee and chocolate cake on my birthday and have not been attacked by midgets and smog affiliated bunnies".

This was a weekend that reawakening and renewal, I bonded with an amazing friend, met old friends again, acted as if I was in my early twenties and searched for French male artists in music shops. The last one had the assistants confused and needless to say, none was found. I did find an Alizee cd in Johannesburg, but at double the price of a new release, I refrained reluctantly.

Presents you ask, well two amazing shirts, a radio/alarm clock, a Sony Bloggie, soap in the shape of a motorbike, a delicious lemon creamy salad dressing, sunglasses and the rope thingamabob that fits to the end of the glasses and last but not least, return air tickets to Cape Town. Add a home made chocolate cake with candles and good friends and I was happy as a puppy having its tummy rubbed.

This is overdue because as soon as I returned to Johannesburg, I was running like a fatman trying to escape a health farm.

Its good to be home.

Good nite

They have Arrived!

It is not easy to predict life and the path it weaves and casts before us, I am surprised, shocked, amused and enlightened by each day and sometimes each passing hour. A week ago I did not have my girls living with me and now they are, beds arranged and put together, mattress bought and so too pink cushion covers and fitted sheet.

Cooking for 3, extra clothes and shoes and brushes, they have not moved in, nope, they invaded, sought their spot and claimed it. I have female touches in my pad, have been informed what is lacking and a grocery list is evolving on my fridge door. There are conversations about music, appropriate table clothes, decisions about school lunches and sms's demanding my whereabouts and time of expected arrival at home.

There is also a stream of hugs, kisses in the morning and evening and dances in the kitchen. Boys are mentioned in passing, mostly with a smile and a change of subject. Boys are apparently not all evil little demons, some are cute and I do believe the words 'yummy' and 'ooooooh' also mentioned. I repond with bone cracking noises and am greeted with shakes of heads and rolling of eyes.

The cupboards are well stocked with food and the bathroom with shampoo, conditioner and toilet paper that seems to dissolve daily. It remains a mystery to me this incredible use of toilet paper and long hair everywhere. Do girls shed their hair!

But at nine the home becomes as quiet as George Michael in prison, as still as a wedding ceremony when the minister says 'if there be any who object, speak now or forever hold your peace' or when Granny gets the walking farts and doesn't notice.
Then it is silent and my girls recharge for the new day. I have an hour and then it is time to bid another day a tired farewell. It is raining outside and their faces are so calm and relaxed I wish I could just capture that moment forever.

Till next time and thank you.

The Bed

Sometimes we hear news that hits to our very core, an opinion that shatters us and rocks the very foundation we have built our theories and beliefs on.

I have that. I have forsaken the most important task I ever chose to undertake as a divorced Dad. It doesn't matter that if I was aware of it, the truth is the deed is done and the consequences harsh. I created my own hell and have to look at myself in the mirror and accept what I have done. I have to look them in the eye and know I have let them down and I have to live with that. I cannot pray for forgiveness so how the hell will I even be able to ask them for it. They needed me to be the Dad that would come in on a white horse and whisk them off their feet and into the safety of their new home and I chose to fly out of town for my birthday.

So we can now add selfishness to the list as well. I just get better don't I? There is a stage in this madness I call life where I will have to suck it up and move ahead irrespective of the mistakes and hurt I have caused and endured, but it is not tonight.

Sometimes we cannot blame others when it is simply our own fault.

All I had to do was organise a bed!

Good night

Supper for 8

And so it came to be that supper was planned, invitations sent out and the prospect of food with unfamiliar faces was looming.

I used my usual deep spiritual inner soothing Eastern calming techniques to reach a state of awareness that allowed control. I practiced old and trusted breathing techniques, chanted both loudly and softly. I bathed and cleansed my innermost being with water of joy and friendship and repeated the process 3 times.

In laymans terms, I watched a rugby match with a friend, shouting at the tv and drinking beer! And it was good.

As a Dr, I recommend this therapy for leisurely emotional expression. A cold beverage of the alcoholic variety is highly satisfying.

Then off to dinner and I was the first to arrive, and soon we had the makings of dinner for 8 (and 2 halflings), drinks, starters, main course and dessert followed by coffee for 3 and home.

Topics of discussion included botox, the benefits and costing annually, I was unaware that it was so popular and in particular amongst young men, possibly more so the young medical professionals. The drug usage also seems to be a serious problem. I suppose young, qualified, hard working and easier access to medicinal happy drugs could all lead to an explosive situation.

Teachers and teaching, jogging, well let's say that the food was very good, the company diverse, friendly and easy to chat to and it all ended well.

Jo, you missed a good evening dude! Better not chicken out next time or far harsher means will be sought and applied, remember midgets usually work in pairs haha.

Hi-light of the evening, difficult but possibly coffee for 3 and a discussion about organised Christianty.

Thank you A, was a blast

Good night

What do you want from me?

It is true that none carries the scorn and harbours anger with more vile and deception than that of a person who is or has been betrayed.

We have been taught by our 'civilised' society we find ourselves in to control our emotions and only expose slight alterations and only so when in an agreeable situation. We are under the ever watchful eye of our peers and if that fails to control us we use imagination and guilt. Santa only brings presents to good boys and girls, how sad will Jesus be that you didn't pray tonight, you haven't been to confession for how long and Allah have mercy. Basically we bribe, lie, promise, beat and use emotional blackmail to get what we want, and this becomes part of our adult life as well.

We gossip, cheat at games, boast and envy and then at the end of the day we praise ourselves for not being like them, those people, I mean just look at them.

And this is called civilisation.

Perhaps being a grunting, bum scratching, club bearing wild hair and weary homosapien, some might call her Aunty Zelda, is not so bad after all.

I started with betrayal, so let me complete this little circle. When we are hurt, we normally fight back instinctively with much more emotion and strength that we are aware we ever had. We 'lose it' and then invariably wonder why we snapped.
Snapping solves nothing. Snapping causes more pain, find a friend, companion, some you trust and chat to them about it.

By talking it through we have a chance of avoiding a full blown battle and then nobody wins.

Good night