The Christmas Looms

There are Christmas decorations and chocolate Lindt Father Christmas men lined up like toy soldiers. I love Christmas, well I used to before the divorce. The music, the family time, the excitement, the greeting of friends, Christmas cards and whipping out the decorations and watching the girls setting up the tree with millions of lights and tinsel and little creatures.

The morning Christmas service, hugs and smiles from strangers and the prospect of too much awesome food followed by pudding that would kill the healthiest elf alive.

Everyone seems happier, people are more chatty. But that was before divorce.

Now there are books and courses that give us coping tools to survive Christmas. I didn't understand this, yet even last year when I had my girls with me it was different. Now there were 3, something was missing and it seemed that it had taken a huge part of the joy with me.

Friends rallied round us and we joined in the festivities, yet my girls and I found ourselves lying in a spare room after lunch. It was all too much. Nothing was said and yet we were all thinking exactly the same thing, what had happened.

Life has a way of dealing us a deck of cards, it would be easy to blame the dealer and somehow pass the proverbial buck. It would be easy to blame the other party and simply give in to all the pain and surrender life and simply give up.

Please do not misunderstand me, I am crying as i write this because the pain and the memories are still so real and the wounds so raw, but I held the cards and I played the game. There are consequences for our actions, but there is also second chances. Rebuilding and preparations are slowly being put into place, I say slowly because I have tried everything to speed it up to no avail. God works in His own time and we cannot dictate, rush, bribe or use any emotional persuasion to somehow influence His decision if we truly want peace, real peace. I don't have that yet.

This Christmas i will see my girls briefly, it will be difficult and I am not sure what coping mechanisms will be required to carry me through it. I have amazing friends that will rally round, but I still have to face the changes, the new rules, the absences and pain on my own.

If I remember correctly, the last Christmas Service we attended as a whole family was the one I wore a Father Christmas Suit to church, it caused many smiles and much interest from the smaller members of the congregation.

This year will be different, my tears are bringing the necessary healing and my heart is heavy. I am also tired and emotionally drained.

Life has a way of continuing whether we are on the ride or not, I am hanging on and when I feel I am slipping, invisible hands carry me.

I hope you will have someone to love, hold, spoil and care for you on this special day. If not, please mail me and I will respond to you on Christmas Day.

Good Night