I have just dropped my girls and am now sitting in church, honestly I don't feel like I want to be here but it beats feeling alone when I feel like this. It is a safe place to be.
I would have thought that by now it would have been easier for me to drop them and just go, but it still feels the same and I find myself wondering how they feel. Simon always waits at the gate till I have driven off, it can't be easy for her. She is a teenager and with so much going through her head, she has to deal with divorce as well.
I have not found anything yet that takes this pain away, I want to drink because it numbs everything, but I am too scared. I want to run away, but my girls need me. So I am stuck in a hell I never saw. I need to go back there again tonight as I forgot to take the bloody maintenance money. Lovely. This is not because I have anything against paying it, but I do not enjoy going there.
Was life easier before this or was it just easier because I wasn't alone.
My girls are so precious to me and I treasure their hugs so much and miss them terribly.. When I drop them it feels as if I am leaving a huge chunk of myself behind. I am told it gets easier, maybe you just get more familiar with it or become hardened to it.
What else did I learn today, don't ask for someone's opinion unless you really want an honest answer.
Is it not amazing that in a room of 150 plus people I still feel alone. One of the positive factors I suppose is that you can be alone a lot easier and ponder your thoughts and ideas.
Positive thoughts for today, saw a newly engaged couple and they were just beaming. Saw full families and by that I mean Father, Mother and kids together and they seemed to be having a good time. My girls are amazing.
On the drive taking them back to their Mom's house not a word was said in the car. It still feels awkward.
Worst moment of the day, watching Simon standing in the driveway watching me drive off, it haunts me.
Good night.
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