Sunday Sunday bright and sunny,
Awoken by my girls but my tummy felt funny
Went for a walk and Smau's excellent breakfast
Then resting and lazing and thinking of the past
Well the kitchen floor needed a clean
And better wash some clothes and my favourite jeans
Now lying on the couch and my eyes grow weary
Too lazy to arise and fetch me a beery

What? It does rhyme with 'weary'

So it has been a couple of days and I have been drowning myself in Series to forget about life. Truth is I am simply killing time and then battling to sleep at night. It seems we cannot outrun our demons, they follow us and come knocking when we try and rest. Not even meds help, so you supermed and then battle a little at work. You try and live at work when you should be working, you overthink and over analyze and basically everything suffers.

Then it takes a sms from your work partner to remind you that your job in fact pays for all the crap you need to keep the show on the road. What show, the one that leads you through this wilderness of confused emotions and scars. For the wounds to heal you need time, time heals all wounds and yes there will be scars. A scar can either be a painful reminder of a wound or it can be a real life tattoo brought about by part of the adventure called life.

What do you see? A corpse, rotten, dead, smelly and decaying or as C put it today, an angel. The angel promises hope, comfort, light and opportunity. I remind myself God doesn't make spelling mistakes, He sometimes just let's us see it all from another angle.

I am coping and am not afraid to say that it is not all a bed of duck feathers! Sorry but I am not resting my delicate bottom on a bed of thorny roses, no Sir.

I need to try and focus and find those 3 positive things a day to keep myself moving forward.

Today its, angel, strawberry juice and talking to my girls through a steel fence.

Good Night

A Green Shoot

No Patrick its not another 'let's save the tiberian rain snail from cross breeding with a Yeti to give you a creature with a rocky texture that moves incredibly slowly.

Its about a new start, its about seeing evidence of months of hard work, prayer, positive input by many friends and grace. Add to that a pinch of hope and stir in a small breath of faith and maybe, just maybe those shoots have a chance to survive and blossom.

What are these shoots? Well there's a home, a job, friends, an acceptance of the need for medication (I still fight this one daily) and two amazing daughters. There is chocolate, ripe avos, home made burgers and prego rolls. Ice cold beer on a hot summers day, the taste and allure of your first cup of coffee of the day. A smile from a beautiful person and a wave from a child you don't know.

New days, new hope, shattered dreams that somehow seem to work themselves out in the end. A good old fashioned sob in a hot shower and thoughts of old love and the anticipation of new prospects.

I somehow feel the need to wipe the slate clean and awaken with years of baggage, prejudice and guilt and just smile and take a new step into my new adventure, I mean isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about!

Sometimes with growth spurts come growth pains and as such we have to shed a tear before we can see the sunshine.

Good night all.

Friends

Righty ho and Tally yo, we need friends. We need them like a plant needs light unless you want to be a mushroom and let's face it, they don't look so hot.

Friends are like lingerie, they support, comfort, make some of us laugh but most of all enable us to feel special and loved. No I mentioned lingerie not underwear and there is a massive difference! Men in thongs are just wrong and granny panties are as seductive as a sexually frustrated pitbull doing the wild thing on your leg!

Friends understand when you don't have to explain, they can see through your defences and feel your pain as clearly as if it is their own. They will go out of their way to carry you when you cannot walk and will look over you when you do not wish to be alone. When I hit a really bad spot, I moved in with some friends as the loneliness was too much. I discovered later that they used to come check on me at night to see if I was sleeping. They fed and nurtured to a position where I was able to get on my feet again, they even looked after my girls when I was unable to. When I fell apart they were picking up the pieces before they hit the ground.

A friend is one who will love you through hell and not judge you when you lose it and rage against the world. They will wait patiently till your storm passes and then smile and nod.

They will call and just listen as you criticise and bemoan society, life and the universe. They will encourage you with a smile, a hug or a hand on the shoulder.

I am blessed to have such friends and to each one of them I can simply say, "Thank you"

Good night

Sunday Silence

Background music, ABBA greatest hits. No I am not at home!

It seems to be a Sunday where messages are sent and are not answered, maybe a good point as I do not see myself as suitable conversational material yet today.


I woke up tired after a good night sleep and had to really motivate myself to get up and have a shave and russle up clothing. Jeans, sneakers, golf shirt and hoodie and a stroll to the chemist to get the goodies.

My pharmacist is in his late fifties early sixties, wears a toupe and thinks he is God's gift to woman. He is overweight and has moustache that will strain all the meat from a bowl of soup. He smokes in his pharmacy and oh crap let's just cut all the niceties and bullshit.

Here's the truth, I hate Sundays.
Ultimately they are family days and times for friends, families and lovers to spend together. I am alone. Anywhere I go I am alone. If I arrive at a friends home I feel the odd one out. I feel even more lonely in shopping centres and going to the movies alone is not a good idea. The term 'odd one out' comes to mind.

I have yet to find a way to constructively 'enjoy' a Sunday since my lifestyle change and am still attempting to find the perfect plan for the perfect Sunday.

If there isn't such a thing I plan on seeking a place of peace, somewhere I can be content and where sorrow is replaced with understanding.

Thank you

A Ray of Saturday

I have no idea of what to say as an opening line so let's just forget the formalities and get straight down to it. No razor blades tonight, but a glass of wine will suffice.

Last night (Friday night) I was in bed at about 7, had a heavier dose of sleep fairy dust, and yes Brad they do crush real fairies to make it, and promply passed out. I awoke once. Went back to sleep after a mug of coffee and some lemon creams and awoke to the sound of my phone ringing excitedly. It only rings excitedly on the weekend as these are normally happy calls from those that love and care for me.

I groggily answered and it was D wanting to know if I was ready for breakfast, I asked for a token 15 minutes and met her and we walked to Smau's in Dunvegan, cuppachinos, breakfast and D's sister popped in and had a red cuppachino (rooibos tea and froth) which looked like a male ballet dancer, nice from far, but what do you stare at if he is standing in front of you.

After breakfast I met Nicole and Simon at the hairdresser and Nicoles hair looked stunning, she had cut it short and it looked so cute. Simon gave me a big hug, I collected Nicole and off it was to the HCC kite day, famous for its complete lack of wind! She wanted to see some old school friends and I was her transport of choice.

I need the opinion of our female friends please, I gave a friend some flowers today, no big deal. However instead of cut flowers I gave her potted flowers. Cool? Not cool? Irrelevant?

Afternoon braai and some test rugby with friends, then home for a bath and now here I am.

I will have the heavier dose again of the fairy compacted dust tonight so that I can reach dreamland quicker and not delay my search for my damsel in dedress and skip merrily through the sand as we watch the ocean do a Mexican wave for us.

It was a good day and even though I feel a little sadness as I lie on my bed, I am satisfied and will keep this day. Missed my chat with Super C today, that is a little sad, but hey even superheroes need the occasional day off.

Good Night all

Home Away

I forget the exact period of time that we stayed in our home, but it must have in the region of 9 years. Our girls grew from toddlers and started school from there and I have the photos of them in their uniforms standing on the back patio with the typical Grade 1 smile complete with the missing front tooth.

I loved the large covered patio, the braai and entertainment area and our study, where I hid for the last few months before I left because of an agreement I now deeply regret. Love has a way of working against you and distorting logic and common sense.

Our wonderful neighbours Y and L and the great conversations at the wall, watching their boys growing up next door.

Our numerous dogs and the birds and fish and guinea pigs, the amount of people that passed through our doors and the friendships formed. Sadness and hurt also came through but that is another story.

Then we separated pending our divorce and it became a place that broke my heart every time I returned my girls to their Mom after having them for my weekend. What hurt even more was seeing the boyfriends car parked where my car used to be.

Then there was the period they moved out and it was broken into twice and vandalised. I had to get someone to stay in the house and get it on the market as quickly as possible, the sale is now underway and the bond has been approved to the buyer.

It has many wonderful memories, good friends, good meals, laughter and some amazing family time. Of course there were times of great difficulty and sadness including the evening I told my girls that Mom and I were getting divorced and then proceeding to try and and convince them that it was not their fault. I cannot forget their faces as they sobbed as the news sank in. It is the worst I have felt in my life and at that precise moment I felt like the meanest and saddest man in the world. Our dream had not only shattered, but it had splintered and hurt all of us.

So soon I hope to hand over the keys and close another chapter in my life.

Good Night all

Sex Today

Why is it that even though we live in a society where we are exposed to sex to sell us everything under the sun, are we still reluctant to discuss it comfortably?

The mere mention of sex and some folk are already squirming in their seats and the occasional blush sets in. We are by nature sexual creatures and as such have certain desires and emotions that allow us to share intimacy with a fellow human in a very private and pleasurable manner. Should we not be more open to discussing it or is it meant to remain a topic that is seen as taboo.

I would like to see the church take the lead in such a matter, and don't come with the whole guilt and damnation philosophy, but rather be less critical and more understanding. Maybe listen a little more and lecture a little less. Talking down to folk and as a father I have learnt the hard way, will not solve anything.

Please understand that this is by no means an attack on the church, it is just that we need to remain in touch with the reality that our youth encounter on a daily basis.

And what about divorcees, where do we fit in, are we meant to just switch off our 'equipment' for a rainy day, do we become monks and nuns and simply pretend that we have gone from a relationship where we were sexually active to complete celibacy? Wouldn't mind hearing the odd opinion here. And please don't come with the whole 'you should not have got divorced in the first place' argument.

So what is the answer and how do we address this matter and discuss it as mature adults? I think a lot of honesty and sharing is required and as little criticism and damnation as possible.

I was discussing this with a friend today and it was very plain to see that we are quick to judge and point as opposed to listening and hearing.
If you fall outside the comfortable parameter that your moral circle accepts as the norm, it is almost as if you are lumped in with a whole group of others and as such labelled and ignored.

I do not expect a solution from the first person I encounter, but to be able to share an opinion with folk who are open minded enough to realise that sex is, has been and will be happening so instead of sweeping it under a rug, let's be adults about it.

Don't ignore me, I won't go away.

Goodnight

Refund Please

I want a full refund on today please!

It was not worth getting out of bed this morning, I should have stayed in bed, attached myself frantically to a passive pillow and just slept.

But no, against my better judgment, I awoke, got out of bed and pretended to treat this Tuesday like any other.

Big mistake.

My life currently is an emotional roller-coaster where I go from coping to straining and panicking to hiding from all and sundry. Today was a hiding from the world day and did I do that? No! I decided I would a hero, I would meet this day head on, use my best Billy Connolly accent, squint at Tuesday with my good eye and lick my lips in anticipation.

Tuesday ignored me like a sleeping dragon counting burning sheep.

So I bravely went about my usual business and all seemed to be normal. I didn't notice the tightening in my belly, or the hair on my neck raising and not even the dark looming shadow forming over me. Nope I was in lala land with the girl of my dreams and the wind blowing through our hair as we gazed over the ocean.

And then it hit me.

Hard. Clinical. Deathly.

I was brought to my knees and could feel the emotion build up in me. It had reached within me and ripped out my confidence, my hope, my dreams and any progress I felt I had made in this battle. I felt crippled. I felt shaken and defeated. I felt void of all emotion, hollow and dead.

I am now lying on my bed as I do not have the energy to get up and make supper. The radio is off and my head is ringing.

The only reason I am still even able to type this is due to my guardian angel, Super C who has patiently reassured me and encouraged me most of the day. When required, reality checks were thrown at me and I admitted to decisions that had added to make this situation worse, hard tough advice was given.

We all need a guardian angel in our lives and mine has kept me going through terrible times. Thank you Super C.

I am so weary now and it is only 17H36, I have no more to give today, could I have my refund please?

I have no music for today.

The Monday Mass Murderer

Well Monday reared its head like a spoilt 4 year old in Toys-R-us at Christmas time and that was the good part of it.

I found myself stumbling around the penthouse, medicated and unable to sleep, I ended having a slice of low Gi wholewheat toast with strawberry jam and 2 slices of processed cheese. Then played musical beds with one bed, not my proudest moment.

So where I am now on this momentous period of my life. My Renaissance phase, bloody hell I feel like an artist in the wrong era, or perhaps Michael J Fox at his prime in Black to the Future.

Honestly, I feel absolutely horrible today, down, tired, drained and a little shaky. Divorce has a way of looking for a hole in our armor and then hitting you hard and watching you bleed.

So have I seen any progress since it all began, I suppose I have or maybe I am just coping better with it. I tried no alcohol and that lasted a couple of weeks and I found myself smelling wine when it was opened. Strange? Never apparently all the wierdo's do it.

But I have made it through and have a haircut, eyebrow trim and then Rose (my alias for my hair technician) whacked me a couple of times on each shoulder. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response to that was so I smiled and waved!

Tonight I will see and old friend from my Army days, haven't seen him since 1985 so it will be great to chat about the past and see if the memories make sense. If any of my other Army mates are reading this, Tobie Willemse and I have finally managed to fit each other into our hectic social calenders.

Oh, by the way, if you were Monday where would you hide before you launched your full out attack on the world?
Somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday! Come on guys!

I forgot to partake of lunch today, so I am on the verge of peckish and starving at the moment. I shall return, but first Tobie, beer, memories and a fair amount of laughs.

Good night all

Dating 1 2 3

How do you meet people of the opposite sex nowadays?
Where do you go and what is the latest trend?
Is the man still allowed to buy the lady a drink or has that concept now been declared outdated and sexist?
What is a suitable acceptable age difference or is this totally irrelevant?

Perhaps I should clarify what is I am looking for in a partner/relationship/friend. I want some one to talk to, someone who has a bit of a sense of humour and a non smoker. Cleanliness is important, acceptance of my girls is non-negotiable and if she is a bit of a romantic it would certainly be an added bonus.

So how do I go about it?
Is 'Speed Dating' the way to go, what about those internet sites and how do you actually know that it is a current picture and the person is not a serial killer or even worse, still married.
Kids or no kids, and if there is no spark or magic initially do you simply sit through the evening or end it.

It certainly seems evident that the rules of engagement regarding courting have changed over the years. Do the woman now make the initial contact or is it still generally the man who is declared the official hunter?

I am intrigued by the whole dance, I would have said 'procedure' but that seems to make it sound too clinical. Sparring implies that each of the two 'contestants' are looking for the others weakspot and 'date', well I think it is more of an introduction than a date. All words and so harmless it seems until used in the wrong tone or out of context.

And as for the following words, are they now deemed politically correct?
Babe, honey, sugar, ma'am, doll, and what do the ladies call men nowadays?

It is certainly going to be a journey of a thousand words and not many a dull moment.

Night sugar!

Saturday and a Hug

Its Saturday. Early Dr's visit with Simon and then off to the pharmacy followed by breakfast at Smau's which was awesome.

Home, homework for Simon and TV for Nicole.
Dad on couch.
Complicated?
Nope its Saturday.

This is a day for lying back, for smiling, eating too much and spending it with the ones you love. A day to eat prego rolls and boerewors rolls so juicy the sauce runs down your chin, vegetable pesto pasta, pizza with hot stringy mozzarella or fried chicken and couscous salad with a crispy white wine.

If you have a partner, make them a cup of tea or coffee and hold hands as you stroll together, forget about the world and its madness for a while, imagine the 2 of you are alone and kiss is public because you just love life more than the strangers stares and giggles around you.

I see families rushing through life and so intent on doing life they forget to live life. Go to a busy coffee shop in a shopping centre and order something to drink and just watch people. See if you can spot the lovers, the workers, the sad and lonely, the hurt, the tired and the bitter.

What concerns me is that the only ones holding hands and paying real attention to their partners are the young and the retired. The inbetweeners are in the fast lane, hooting profusely and overtaking each other with spittle and sweat flying. We are racing towards divorce, nervous breakdowns, ulcers, heart attacks, cancer and debt. We have to slow down. We have to take an inventory of our priorities in lives and decide whether we want to change lanes or stay on the current route.

I chose unwisely and have the scars and divorce agreement to bear for it. It was never enough. To spare you the whole boring saga, divorce came, it took, destroyed and left it ruins behind.

The path forward has been difficult but not without its blessings and intervention of incredible people guided into my path.

Enough for tonight, if you with someone you love at the moment, give them a hug, a kiss and a smile.

Good night all.

Coffee and Gifts

Choice of CD for tonight is Good Charlotte – The Young and the Hopeless

I awoke, bathed and headed off for my session with R. The 2 main items on my agenda were gifts and coffee. Let me elaborate.

Gifts. I have been struggling financially since the divorce to make ends meet and as such have been assisted by friends and these blessings have meant that I am now in a lovely large penthouse (flat sounds so yesterday) with food, a running vehicle and paying the bare minimum to accounts until the sale of the house is resolved and I can make an informed decision on the way ahead. As a token of my appreciation for the love, assistance and opening of homes to me during this period of absolute hell, I take great delight in returning favours wherever possible by cooking the odd meal or the giving of a birthday gift. My friends and adventurers on this walk with me feel that I should not be spending any unnecessary funds on them, but rather use it to survive and slowly build a foundation that will enable me to breathe a little easier. This all makes perfect sense except for one tiny problem, my greatest gift is to please and assist those that are dear to me and the giving of a gift brings me untold joy in a somewhat difficult stage of my life.

Do I go with my heart and do what has possibly been one of the reasons I find myself in now or do I simply wave my bottom at the world and give the gifts? I don’t know and there is not a simple answer for this.

My second item was coffee. Yes the ground bean strained in boiling or nearly boiling water and served to your hearts desire, sweet and black, white and bitter or any of the aforementioned combinations. The difference is that this no normal coffee my friends, but has an ingredient that since the age of man has brought disaster, joy, war, passion and madness to man, woman. Yes I am entertaining the thought of coffee with woman, real woman, willing woman who perhaps need an ear, a smile, a laugh and of course some coffee. What does this entail for me? Well, it will get me out of the penthouse, allow me to meet new people in the same situation as I and might turn out to be quite fun. I think it will be extremely difficult initially and do expect the occasional disaster complete with glare, stare and flicking of hair. However the opportunity of friendship and sharing of life experiences could be bloody marvelous.

Supper tonight was an occasional to celebrate life after a tough day emotionally and physically.
Broccoli gently fried in butter with parmesan and served with melted cheddar, creamed spinach, baby potatoes done in garlic butter and rump steak in a sweet eastern marinade with freshly ground black pepper and pan fried in butter. All served with a smooth glass of red wine.
Good. Yup. Soul food.

I feel that I have reached a stage in my life and divorce adventure where I need to take another step and move onwards through the daily challenges before they wear me down completely. I am uncertain of how to spend more time with my girls and this is difficult and sad result of the devastation of divorce. Tomorrow is Friday and a weekend with the two most beautiful angels in the world awaits me, I cannot wait for my hugs and cuddles and all the exciting news of who, when, why and wait Daddy there’s more!
For now, a bath, a cappuccino and some mysteriously dark smooth chocolate and then retire to my bed and engage the Internet in some passive aggressive surfing.

Good night all.

breathe

Ever had one of those days where you wish there was no law against tapping people on the head with a 10 pound hammer!

Yup, today was one of those! I felt as if I was crawling out of my skin and wanted to rub my eyes on concrete. Bloody hell, everything, everyone, all the little creatures were just ruffling my imaginary feathers the wrong way.

And what advice did I receive? A single word, "Breathe"

Think about it, we do this all the time, but when all about you are dragging their nails on a schoolroom blackboard what are you going to do?

Breathe.

Slowly, deeply through your nose, hold it and exhale out of your mouth. Repeat this 10 times, not 5 or 8 but 10. Keep your eyes closed and it feels as if someone is peeling off the layers of stress. Do it sitting down and rest your hands on your knees.

That's it.

Sounds too good to be true! What about a vibrating rabbit that will run over your back and has been blessed by Siberian Meditating Monks and tested in a Japanese speed train on 2000 passengers. But that's not all, it is solar powered and a single ray of sunlight will keep it running for 2 weeks. Its healing and relaxing powers are the equivalent of 100 Zen massages and 14 days of alcohol induced sleep therapy.

Music of Choice tonight 'Creed - My Own Prison'

I ended my day buying a piece of meat I have no intention of eating tonight, going to the neighbourhood Coffee Shop and having an Americano with warm milk. Then a 100m drive to park my vehicle and drag myself and my piece of meat upstairs to my flat.

Only post today, a letter for an overdue account and phonecall so far tonight for an overdue account. Is it my incredible powers of observation or is there some sort of pattern emerging.

Positive thought for the day - Divorce is like planting a young tree, it requires love and lots of crap to make it grow strong and produce fruit.

Friends All Around

When life hits hard and hits low, friends step in, help you to your feet and walk beside you nudging you in the right direction.

They are there in times of trouble with a smile, a hug, a wise word and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. We all need friends. God bless them for all the unseen and behind the scene antics they do for us, often at great sacrifice and expense and expect nothing in return. Today has been another not so great journey and yet I have been given words of encouragement as I will list a little later.

I awoke tired and contemplated the day that awaited me, I desperately wanted to make contact with a friend, my rock, my conscience and counselor, but I couldn’t because I was concerned of ‘worrying’ her. So I went to work with a heavy heart and too much on my mind. I had been at work for perhaps half an hour and a message came through on my phone. It was her saying good morning and asking me how I was. This is what I am talking about, I was given the opportunity to express my fears and a friend had been there to listen.

I received other words of encouragement today, ‘it does get better’ and ‘when you’re going through hell remember to just keep going’.

Another couple who have been friends for over 23 years have insisted on buying me a return air ticket to Cape Town for a desperately needed break from Johannesburg, they also take my messages when I feel the walls closing in and encourage and help in too many ways to mention. My Irish friend, man, you have been through so much and yet you reached out to me from across the ocean and I had the privilege of having supper with you and chatting about life, loss, love, laughter and light at the end of a tunnel at some stage.

Oz holds another set of old friends who have not forgotten me as does Texas, Cape Town, Grahamstown, J’bay, PE, Pretoria, UK, Indonesia, Southern Cape and Stellenbosch. Not to mention Dr Toughlove and the family across the road that have adopted me.

Yes, I am tired of this journey and it has made me weary beyond words and yet it has taught me so much already. I have learnt that things are worthless and bring no joy or lasting satisfaction, love is not eternal but rather a gift that needs to be treasured and worked on. Blessings are all around us and it is our choice whether we open our eyes to see them or simply plod forward crushing dreams, feelings and loved ones in our pursuit of our wants.

I think what I learnt today can best be described as follows;
• Life is hard
• Divorce is a bastard
• Debt is self inflicted and cannot be avoided
• Life is worth living
• Friends are blessings that cannot be bought
• This is bigger than us
• Hell is a good place to grill a steak

And now I must have some supper, I have been listening to Jackson Browne – Running on Empty as I have been chatting to you.

Good Night my friends.

Long Weekends and Coffee

Well a long weekend has come and ridden off into the sunset, it stayed briefly and then seemed to accelerate through Saturday and Sunday.

I was thinking of food tonight, soul food, think of coffee dates and chatting to people about life, love and breathing.

Firstly the food, roasted crispy pork belly, cauliflower and a rich cheese sause and a fresh green salad with cold roasted vegetables and drizzled lightly with olive oil. I can almost smell it let alone taste it!

As for coffee dates, well the truth is I am lonely and even though I have only been divorced 8 months, I have in fact been separated for more than a year. It is not the sexual intimacy I long for, but more the company and laughter and tears of another human being. To be able to sit and just enjoy a cup of coffee and discuss interests, life, dreams and at the same time disappointments would be nice. Am I ready for this? I have no idea.

As for breathing, well it just takes life back to its most basic rituals. To forget about all the chaos and crap around us is not easy and thus we need to find a happy place. A place to switch off the world and just breathe. I am trying, but not winning at the moment.

Nicole made her first spaghetti bolonaise at her Mom's tonight and was apparently very proud of herself, but not as proud as her Dad is of her, well done my Angel. Simon had her sleepover and this morning at 4 I received an sms from her. We had an enjoyable chat and she is now dead to the world.

I have frequented the little coffee shop in the area and can highly recommend it, the decor is homely yet artistically sparse, service brilliant and the hostess/owner an absolute honey. As for the food, delightful and reasonably priced. I shall definitely make a regular spot for a cup of tea and something to nibble on.

And now I had better get to sleep I suppose.

Good night all.

The Art of Anger

It is indeed possible to upset someone by the use of a single word! In a conversation with your ex, the word 'mediator' is often confused with witchcraft, distrust, running over her cat or even mowing her herb garden because it smells nice. And the conversation pretty much deteriated from there.

Had I been in a somber state of mind or of a more passive disposition, I might have stopped there. But to truly kill a vampire, one must drive the stake in well and true and leave no area of doubt. Needless to say, my reception was as popular as a transvestite at a Springbok rugby training session.

The day was good with the normal minor irritations and the occasion curse flung at fellow drivers, lots of fun chatting to a good friend about a work colleague who would eat the heart of a newborn and then plead forgiveness whilst licking her fingers clean and oh yes, a dash of work thrown into the fray.

I ate too little then too much and kept the forbidden lager from my temple also known as my blessed belly. I avoided coffee as it was too late and would involve an early morning escapade to the loo on a cold tiled floor. This in turn would lead to a stroll around the apartment ending up at the biscuit cupboard, and thus it would result in a whisper of crumbs on my pillow.

I have heard a beautiful song by Linkin Park and a phrase that just made so much sense to me, 'I'm hard on the outside, but not all the way through'. Brilliant, almost like a burnt pork sausage, hard on the outside and raw within. Where am I going with this train of thought, no idea! Maybe I will return to it later.

Tomorrow is my brothers birthday, happy birthday Martin, hope you get this, call me. It is also the day before what would have been my 20th Wedding Anniversary. Enough said me thinks.

As Samantha Sleep begins sprinkling resting rust on my brow, I must bid thee a fond farewell till next we meet.

Sundays Thoughts

I have just dropped my girls and am now sitting in church, honestly I don't feel like I want to be here but it beats feeling alone when I feel like this. It is a safe place to be.

I would have thought that by now it would have been easier for me to drop them and just go, but it still feels the same and I find myself wondering how they feel. Simon always waits at the gate till I have driven off, it can't be easy for her. She is a teenager and with so much going through her head, she has to deal with divorce as well.

I have not found anything yet that takes this pain away, I want to drink because it numbs everything, but I am too scared. I want to run away, but my girls need me. So I am stuck in a hell I never saw. I need to go back there again tonight as I forgot to take the bloody maintenance money. Lovely. This is not because I have anything against paying it, but I do not enjoy going there.

Was life easier before this or was it just easier because I wasn't alone.

My girls are so precious to me and I treasure their hugs so much and miss them terribly.. When I drop them it feels as if I am leaving a huge chunk of myself behind. I am told it gets easier, maybe you just get more familiar with it or become hardened to it.

What else did I learn today, don't ask for someone's opinion unless you really want an honest answer.

Is it not amazing that in a room of 150 plus people I still feel alone. One of the positive factors I suppose is that you can be alone a lot easier and ponder your thoughts and ideas.

Positive thoughts for today, saw a newly engaged couple and they were just beaming. Saw full families and by that I mean Father, Mother and kids together and they seemed to be having a good time. My girls are amazing.

On the drive taking them back to their Mom's house not a word was said in the car. It still feels awkward.

Worst moment of the day, watching Simon standing in the driveway watching me drive off, it haunts me.

Good night.