A Cool Monday Feeling

It seems to lurk in the shadows, smirking and laughing silently to itself, waiting for an innocent troop of victims who have as much chance of surviving it as the pretty blond girl in the horror movies. You know the one that hears the scream and growling noises in the basement and thinks, “Oh no, I better check it out and take this umbrella with me in case there is a shower scene”. So down the stairs she goes slowly, asking nervously “Who is there”! She has removed her iPod headphones of course, otherwise how would she hear the creepy scary music and deep breathing.

Umbrella set to stun mode, chest heaving in her slightly too tight t-shirt and battling with the creaky stairs in her knock-off high heels, she descends.
We might laugh at the ridiculous set of events, but in reality don’t we take the same attitude to our own creature in the basement? Lets call our monster “Monday” and see if any light bulbs suddenly switch themselves on. At the mere mention of the name of the worst day of the week, we sigh and grunt and mutter under our breath, we conjure up images of being dragged behind wild horses screaming to work, school or simply out of bed.

Why?

What prevents us from treating it like any other day, i mean if we renamed all the days of the week and called Monday ooh lets say Friday and then we can call Friday Monday. Too confusing? Good news is that Wednesday remains Wednesday.

All I am trying to say is, have a great Monday!

Chow everyone.

A Date With 2011

I have been told by an amazing friend that I am too critical and hard on myself, I take criticism to heart and am very quick to accept blame for situations.

I believe it comes from being very driven as a young sportsman at school, I did well and was satisfied but was very hard on myself.

Somehow in my marriage I felt I had to prove what a good husband and father I was. My family wanted for nothing and in the process I created a debt hole I am still stuck in. I took on all the debt in my divorce and let my ex-wife take most of the furniture for her and my girls.

So enough of the past, what does 2011 hold for me and what the heck am I going to do with the debt. I was keen to auction it all to the highest bidder, but somehow not even Willy Wonka could pull that off.

So I need a date with 2011, to get a better understanding of her needs and behaviour. Perhaps I will learn of some manner that she can assist me with my previous relationship with a lady called Debt. The future will be determined by using what 2011 offers and using what Debt taught me (and scarred me).

And the resolution and outcome?

No idea yet but watch this space.

Chow all

The Code of Divorce

I think its time to maybe return to the main subject again, a passage of prose from Crosby, Stills and Nash goes as follows; "you, who are on the road, must have a code, a code you can live by . . . " And this got me thinking. There needs to be some sort of unwritten code for Divorce, a list of do's, don'ts and realities, so here's mine.

Firstly Depression! It can be avoided, its not a bout of flatulance that will pass overnight. It is a killer that will suck every ounce of joy from you and make you feel as if death is a pleasant welcome. I have been there, I have held the knife and felt the anxiety in my chest. Get medical help now! This is non-negotiable.

Secondly, Pain! Divorce will feel as if you are having open heart surgery and no-one can feel your pain or hear your screaming. Here's the sad part, there is no instant cure. Alcohol does not help it go away, it simply numbs it till you awaken. The pain is continuous, I have pulled off the road whilst driving and just sobbed like a child, I have driven in traffic weeping and not knowing how I reached my destination. The only cure is time and I am not talking days or months, but years. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.

Thirdly, Loneliness. Your partner is gone, irrespective of whether you were the guilty partner or not, that part of you is dead and gone. It may take time for that love to die, the memories and anniversaries and Christmas don't make it easier. You long so badly for company that you want someone to be with so badly you will almost consider selling your soul to have someone, anyone. You will be attracted to the opposite sex and some friends will feel threatened even if your advances are innocent and simply an attempt to reach out for a sympathetic ear. Hang in there and be completely honest with yourself and your desires.

Fourthly Your Health! Mentally and physically you need to see a specialist and as soon as possible. I tried coping on 2 hours a night sleep and it almost cost me my job and my life. I wasn't coping at work, I was falling asleep behind the wheel of my car and my mind was playing tricks on me that almost drove me mad. I had a family open their home to me and feed and love me for a couple of weeks till I was able to face life on my own. Go see your General Practitioner and seek a counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who can assist you in understanding this nightmare you are facing.

It is not an overnight rendezvous, it is not solved by a pill, it takes time and it will be hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter and needs to be avoided.

The good news is that apparently it does get better, it becomes easier and there is most definitley life and abundant life after divorce.

Good Nite all

Dying Trying

I am in pain and my muscles have stage a strike meaning that I am incapable of moving, I went for a 18 minute spin in my body. A combination of walking, jogging and crawling as I attempted to get back home. The problem with living alone is that if you fall down, no-one will know!

I realised that my life was too simple and so added a exercise regime to my agenda, I am somehow convinced that my new washing machine has the distinct ability of shrinking my trousers, they are definitely tighter than normal.
So off I went with Steve Tyler blaring in my ears and my bulky shadow which I have been told weighs more than an new born baby dragging itself behind me.

At first it was ok, after 5 minutes I started feeling sharp pains shooting through my body as my feet screamed at my brain threatening cramps, ingrown toenails and warts the size of snails.
10 minutes and I was passed by a Mom pushing a baby in a pram and I could have sworn the baby shook its head in disbelief.
15 minutes and I had lost all feeling in my face and sweat was running off me like spittle off a St Bernard that had just drunk 2lt of water.

And then I was home, I am preparing myself for a bath an hope I will be able to get out of the bath, I will keep my cellphone close by just in case.

Good Nite

The Perfect Gentleman

There comes a time in all our lives where we must either acknowledge what we know is true and correct or we can ignore it and pretend we don't know any better.

I believe that an apology is in order so here we go.

My unknown gastronomical rendezvous with a crunchy foul tasting bug like alien has left me a little red faced. It seems my "bug" was no more than a very strong herb like pod used in the preparation of Indian dishes. The restuaranteer at the Indian restaurant was amused yet dignified in his explanation of the herb and we parted on good terms.

He could have laughed and been arrogant in his explanation, instead he was "the Perfect Gentleman".

I wonder how we would have reacted if the roles had been reversed, how often do we do the honourable thing and admit when we are wrong?

The two hardest words to say are "I'm sorry"

By saying it you are opening yourself to rebuke, abuse, possible scorn and rebuttal, but just maybe you might find someone whose humility will shine through.

Good Nite all

The Curry Bites Back

I stopped en route home at a curry place at Edenglen near Woolworths and bought a vegetarian bean and potato curry, because I wasn't going to cook and hadn't eaten today besides my cereal. I decided to take my meds and vitamin B and have the curry. The first 4 mouthfulls were stunning but the 5th tasted funny and too herby for me so I took it out of my mouth and it was a dead bug twice the size of an adults thumb nail.

It was obviously no longer a vegetarian meal and the additional protein with legs or tentacles left a somewhat bitter, acidy taste in my mouth. Had I perhaps consumed one of the owners pets or were they a delicacy flown in from a broom cupboard and casually ignored as they fell asleep in my curry.

I am saddened my meal had transformed itself to a National Geographic Special without my written consent and as such I am forced to pay them a visit tomorrow to discuss this menial legality.

Good Nite Friends

The Road Ahead

How do I set myself free from my past, how do I move on and turn my back on the facts and memories that have made me who I am today. If they shaped me and have created the person I am, is that enough or does life have more to offer.

The truth is that I need to move past the divorce and the affair and somehow allow the changes to take place that will allow me to be the person I am meant to be. Better, healthier, more balanced, healed with a more balanced appreciation of who I am meant to be.

If we stop living and refuse to grow, we begin to die. There is no limbo state.
If you exercise you become fit, if you don't your muscles begin to disintegrate. So the question is simply, do I want to hang to the past or accept that a new reality with opportunities await me?
Will I be hurt? Yes
Will I be happy? Sometimes
Will I love again? Maybe

It is not whether I will have it all or live a life deprived of certain aspects, it is that I need myself to be allowed to be changed by the experiences and let my mistakes make me realise I have to change. I cannot enter a new relationship with all this baggage, it is not fair on the other person. I am a new person in the making, I need companionship though I long for intimacy.

What I seek now I cannot have for I am not able to deal with it.

So the journey continues.

Nite all

Who do you Love?

I realised this evening that it is indeed a matchmaking jungle out there with both male and female in the same predicament. The scenario is the same as you will have the hunter, either male or female who is pursuing a certain prey for a specific reason and the victim who is basically at the mercy of the hunters.

Where you stand on issues such as beliefs, ethics and morals can be easily contradicted by emotions and peer pressure irrespective of age. Let me explain, after a long relationship it is very difficult to bounce into a fresh one as there are major trust and self confidence issues that need time to resolve themselves. Jumping straight in stunts the healing process to run its course and simply suppresses it until it forces its way to the surface like the body rejecting a splinter.

I don't know what the ideal situation is for me, but I do know the following;
1 I need to physical touch even if it is only a hug or the simple act of holding hands. This breaks the awkward tension that you encounter when you meet a suitable friend and want to move the friendship to a relationship phase.
2 I need to experience the joy of kissing again as it is the foundation of a young relationship and will tell each other so much about the partners personality. Are they patient, gentle, urgent, aggressive, passive or passionate?

The game is still the same, it is just the rules and risks have changed dramatically and if you rush in, you might be well out of your depth before you realise it.

I intend to love again, I plan to be happy again and I hope that this year will be the foundation that allows love once again to be a part of my life.

There are however extenuating circumstances in my case, I have to take into consideration my girls and how this will affect them. I have to be completely honest with my potential partner so as to prevent any confusion or pain.

Marriages are made in heaven, the catch is that we live in the real world and its really tough out there.

Nite all

Resistance Fighter

It is spoken of men and woman who are willing to offer over and above all the others, who will stand up in the time of hardship and persecution to fight for the unknown, the weary and the underprivileged. When one sees a situation as more than just a passing occurrence and recognises the drastic impact it could have on generations, it is then recognised as a "cause".

Are you willing to add your skills and heart to such an experience and accept the rank of "Resistance Fighter"?
Would you move silently in the shadows and between the sleeping when your every breathe sounds as loud as a gale force wind in a forest? Would you protect the unprotected and nourish and feed them at your expense and expect nothing in return?

Could you call yourself a Resistance Fighter?

Dedicated to a special woman, divorced with child to whom surrendering is not an option.

Let Me Show Thee

I cannot express this all in words so let me try by using phrases and see what comes of it.

You are a fresh breeze, not gentle and yet not aggressive either. You blow in, rustle my hair the way a giggle pops out of a child. You tilt your head and glance at me and suddenly my lips curl up instinctively. My eyes follow you involuntarily as you dance from one side of the room to another hardly touching the floor.
I await your messages and feel my pulse rise as I see it is from you, a slight blush and lightening of my soul.

I long to feel your touch upon my brow and your lips upon my cheek, you smell of a floral fiesta and I breathe you in deeply.

Your arms slowly hold me and I feel loved, safe and at peace with the world.

Are you real? Will I meet you? Could you love me?

Where is Love?

Why can't I find love on my doorstep?

I have been divorced for 13 months and yes I get lonely. I enjoy my quiet times and own company and when I have my girls it is hectic and exciting and fun. The week I don't have them is so very different, like goats milk and cream soda.
I feel a void where something is missing, I am not sure if it is a spiritual void or emotional emptiness. I know the healing process is a long one and the friends who have and are walking alongside me are amazing and supportive in so many aspects. Why does friendship and company seem to present itself to me over 1000km's away, why can't it be on my doorstep or at least in a closer proximity? Could the reason be that I am not ready now for this next phase in my life? I hope not.
I know I am not ready for marriage and that level of commitment, but friendship, companionship and even dating would add something that would somehow make me feel "wanted or needed".

I want to shout to the heavens and scream 'Why! What! Help me understand! Perhaps I am simply being selfish and need to process to take its course and at the same time I want to be more proactive. Instant society equals instant gratification. I feel like a whale trapped in a sardines body, I want to explode, be all I can be but am not ready for the emotional responsibility that comes with it. Spiderman was told the same and he still found himself in sticky situations. Batman found himself partying or fighting for his life with no rest between the extremes. And as for Harry Potter, well he kept going back to a school where people were trying to kill him, same as the mentally challenged cheerleader who goes into the haunted house because she heard a scream come from it.

Sometimes stupidity comes from it all and we need our friends to hug us, turn us around and lead us home.

Do I want love? Do I want a kiss that will rock my socks off? Do I want to wake up and see a beautiful face sleeping next to me? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Time will tell.
Nite all

A Little Madness

It warms my heart to the point of bursting when I hear my girls voices over the phone and they relate with great excitement the events that happened that day and even more so when I get the occasional ‘I love you or I miss you Daddy”.

You see in reality, all it takes is a few choice words and hugs to keep a parent happy. We are not complex and even if we act that way, it is simply a guise to hide and protect that part of us that is too private to share in case it is used against us. Sometimes we are so caught up in the environment we have developed or that life has thrust upon us that we simply give up and go through the motions of life. We become robots that live for our annual holidays and the rest of the time life blurs past us, so my question is this; What are we going to do about it?

Add a little craziness to your life and here are a few examples that have worked for me;

· Make yourself a Gin and Tonic in a thermal travel mug and go for walk sipping as needed

· Sing some Italian opera to someone you don’t know in a shopping centre

· Pay for someone’s parking

· Go skinny dipping at night

· Eat a slab of chocolate for breakfast

· Go shopping for something you cannot afford and have no intention of buying

· Wear a crazy hat

· Read a newspaper upside down in a busy coffee shop

· Tell a waitress to bring you something to eat and drink and let her decide what to bring

· Wave and smile at people you don’t know

I think you get the idea, take an ordinary day and add a little magic, a little humour, add some spice to your life. We aren’t talking rocket science, I am not asking you to re-invent the xBox or get arrested for indecent exposure, just step out of your comfort zone and feel that thrill again.

Buy a t-shirt you would never dream of wearing and see if anyone says anything when you wear it, so I trust a little feedback will be forthcoming from some of you and man I can’t wait to see what you come up with.

You owe it to yourself and even more so, you owe it to your neighbour.

Have fun and Nite All

A Year without Beer?

Since we last crossed paths, it seems as if a lifetime has passed and I suppose it has been a mixture of mother-in-law and ex-partner or to put it into simpler terms sweet and bitter, you may decide which is which.

Christmas eve was delightful as Simon and I spent time with Stephen and Marilyn (brother-in-law and very pregnant sister) and it was a case of too much food, a little too much chocolate caramel cake and a drive back home which took about 40 minutes. Then Simon and I had to find a store open at 19H00 on Christmas Eve to buy five different packets of jelly for her to make the chocolate trifle. We ended up in a store on the wrong side of the good and spent time counting the number of people who actually had shoes on.

We went home and before we made the jelly, Simon opened her presents and she jumped, bounced, clapped her hands and squealed.
Christmas Day and we decided to go to our old church, I was greeted by one of the Pastors at the door with a smile and "Oh Christmas and Easter!" Needless to say I suddenly remembered why we weren't going there anymore.

Making a trifle for 25 was fun and I mean messy all hands in and laughing and cream on the face fun. It was huge and heavy and a work of art, doves wept and angels mouths watered.
Add a frantic call to Candy about the recipe for the biscuit base and we were on the way to a peppermint crisp tart, then off we went and lunch awaited us. King prawns marinaded overnight and fried in garlic butter, WOW!
The four 4 boys made a sizable dent in the trifle and by 5 it was time to return Simon to her Mom. Heather and Nicole greeted me at the gate and I got my Christmas hug from Nicole.

The next few days were a blur of meals with friends and swimming and getting burnt and trying to put in the back of my mind that my girls were away for 2 weeks. The Lips, Wrights and McNamara's, Leff's and Eric and Debs, you guys made this one so much easier to deal with than last year. Simon and I agreed that CandyOnline was such an intricate part of my support and recovery program that statues needed to be erected.

And as for 2011, well reduced beer intake has been suggested and the withdrawals have been alarming and images of bunnies and halflings and singing beer bottles followed by a chorus of spicy chicken wings and pork chops have made me rethink this disturbing request.

I hope for more talks with my girls, more hugs and deeper respect of each others opinions. I hope for female friendship and if at all possible a kiss, a simple request perhaps, but something I need to reaffirm that somehow I am still "marketable". Time will tell I suppose.

For now my wish for you is that you may find joy where you least expect it, love that brings you laughter and memories, health to awake each morning and walk and smell the worlds scents and finally that dreams will not be forgotten or cast aside.

Nite all.