I Hate

Things I hate, I wish I could be more level headed about this, but here goes.

I don't mind being a single 45 year old male trying to reconstruct his life from the bottom up, I don't mind that I no longer have my big house, large garden and my beautiful faithful dog Lucy waiting for me when I get home. I can get over having the most amazing neighbours and having a few beers at the wall and the meals together. I can even get over the fact that not everything was 100% in my marriage.

But what I hate is divorce and the destruction, pain, chaos and continued cancer it leaves in its wake. It has the same effect as performing brain surgery with a chainsaw. It rips and tears and all who are close are splattered with the consequences and share in the shambles.

I hate that it affects my girls, my reason for existence and my pride and joy. It has caused me much sorrow and constant questioning and patience from friends as I attempt somehow to understand and unravel this mess.

I hate that my one daughter has decided not to spend Christmas day with me. I accept that it is a testing of wills and the circumstances need not be disclosed, but it breaks a 12 year tradition and leaves an empty seat in me..

I hate that there is a very good chance that this will affect my girls relationships with men in the future.
I pray that somehow they will look at the chaos and make sense of it all and be able to avoid the errors and confusion they have watched unfold before them.

Now I am weary, Nite all.

Madness with Coffee and Muffin

I am watching Simon my eldest daughter wrap presents as we listen to Nirvana and I sip generously on an iced cold beer.

We did shopping hard core this morning and are now in a state of relaxation knowing that 90% of the shopping is done and dusted.

Nicole decided not to spend the night and day with us due to circumstances not needed to be disclosed, tears were shed and emotions were raw, such is the situation when it comes to divorce and kids.

So coffee and breakfast was held before the attack on the various outlets were declared, my giant sized choc-chip muffin fresh from the oven eaten with melting butter and grated cheese and downed with a mega cuppachino. It was the breakfast of kings and my smiling eyes teased the other shoppers are they hurried past unsmiling and harassed at 9 in the morning, a little sad I thought.

It makes me think that the rat race has deprived us of the simple joys in life like a cup of coffee with a friend, singing to a complete stranger, she laughed and Simon shook her head and saying Merry Christmas to the shop assistants, never forgetting that most of them are tired and perhaps a little irritable as well.

Quote of the day, "He's crying because the service is so bloody slow" from a slightly irate Mom of a 2 year old boy.

My thought for the day, well loved spending time with Simon, but would have liked Nicole to have been with us.

All I Want for Christmas is . . . .

All I want for Christmas is . . . . .

What the heck do I want! I have been divorced for just over a year and have slowly carved a new life for myself.

I have a home, more than adequately kitted out. I have food, enough to throw a meal together in a jiffy should a bus load of cheerleaders come knocking on my door begging for comfort from the harsh African sun.
My net curtaining finally reaches the floor as prescribed and insisted upon by the owner of the complex, the extensions were hand cut, measured with 3 good eyes and stapled to the too short upper section. Not sophisticated perhaps, but it serves a purpose and gives me a slight moral victory!
I have coffee enough to resist the forces of tea loving visitors for a few months and spare milk hidden in case the cereal eating bunnies use all my fridge can hold.
Red wine sorted.
White wine? Not necessary.
I cannot wish for world peace or to feed the starving children in Africa as this is reserved and patented by the Miss USA Association.
A cure for aids would involve the abstention of humans in the act of sex and we honestly have a better chance of Justin Bieber getting his voice back or Yoko Ono refraining from singing.

Toys I have enough of, books I have plenty that beg me to open their covers and delve into the secrets that lie within.
Love? I have the love of my girls, family and amazing friends and that will suffice me for now.

My present accommodation does not permit me to have a pet but a friend shares 2 bull terriers and allows me access time. This is more precious to me than money and makes me smile and sad at the same time. It is a true blessing.

So what is left?
What else do I require?
I know what I lust for but they are worldly things and they come and go like. Granddad's flatulence.

I wish for a day of hugs, a day where smiling eyes and laughter carry me through the day and help me forget about life for a while.

That's what I want

Good Nite.

The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating

Welcome to 'The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating for 2011'

All your queries, myths, unspoken truths will not be addressed, they won't be answered but there will be recommendations and words of wisdom tainted ever so slightly by a pale ale.

This not a how-to manual but more of a guide to managing and getting the most out your marriage by applying the 5 Foundation Philosophies. So without any further delays, let's get ready for play.

1. Listen.
Many a man has been heard to utter 'I can't hear without a beer' or his partner has sweetly stated 'Chat and tea, just you and me'. The truth is that we need to be receptive to each other and hear what each other has to say.

2. Touch
This is not the game also known as naked tag or Espionage 101 Booby Trap, but affirmation, assurance, hugs that just drain your worries away and make you close your eyes and enjoy the moment. The simple joy of holding hands and of eyes meeting and lips smiling.

3. Deeds
We do things for people and yet we often neglect those closest to us. My daughter loves it when I massage her head, she almost goes into a trance and enters a state where she would doze off if I didn't tickle her. Making someone a cup of tea or a filling the chocolate jar before they wake up and leave the lid off. Sitting through Karate Kid when you would rather have your prostrate checked the old 'hold your breath' way!
Do a Deed a Day.

4. Laugh
Learn to laugh more often and see the funny side of life. Don't become a fool as there are serious sides to life as well. I chose to joke about everything and as such my partner could not share a lot with me. That was my loss. Laugh together, love together and learn to cry together. That sort of sharing is essential. I have cried with my girls and it was so honest and so raw I could not explain it to you.

And finally

5. Live
What's the point of holding back when you only have one chance at this. Make pancakes naked, sing in a public area, buy a stranger a gift, help someone across the street even if it means you might be late for work. Imagine the clouds are magical shapes and be better than you want to be. Spend time playing with kids or dogs or something different, deliver cupcakes to random people and stop to smell the roses.

That's it.
That's all I have.
Dream your reality and live it.
Sadness is acceptable and smiles are forever.

Good Nite

Life and Memories

What would you do if I sang out of tune

Would you get up and walk out on me?

I have quoted this on so many occasions that it seems to have become a part of my life, I do sing out of tune and man can I sing out of tune well. I have sung in a shower and almost drowned myself, I have gargled with Jack Daniels and lost and have sipped champagne from the lips of a beautiful woman.

Whenever I have found myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me and when I am running on empty, I have wept blood and sweated all along the Watchtower.

At this stage you must be asking what the hell is he trying to say, so let me begin by saying the following, I am not proud of some of the choices I have made and I must answer for them, I have loved and been loved, I have stared into the face of an angel and seen her tears as her guitar gently weeps. I have considered the words of poets when they said, 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with' and turned and walked away.

I have crashed vehicles in the town where the streets have no names and have waited for the sunrise with tequila as my only companion, felt my heart stop beating as I held my daughters when they were born and cried as I realised they were really mine and alive. I have held my daughter on two occasions and accepted that it might be last time I would see her alive as she struggled to breathe and was as pale as the desert moon on a winters night.

I have hummed in a cat-scan machine with my eyes closed so I would not panic from claustrophobia and been chased by a tractor while completely sober.

I have told ghost stories around camp fires, cycled on dirt roads so bumpy I could not sit or walk normally for a couple of days.

But all of this I would trade to be with my girls right now, memories are nothing without someone to share it with, one day it shall be different but for now I live for the other week.

Good Night

Christmas in Cuba

I want to go to Cuba.
Not the new Americanised Cuba of old, but the one Hemingway fell in love with.

Stunning colours and old American cars, small dark bars that smell of rich Cuban tobacco. Friendly faces and the sounds of children playing in the streets.

Beautiful tanned ladies with swinging hips and smiling eyes whose voices mesmerize you and take you far away. Makes you forget about your worries for a while and life seems nice.

So we have Cuban cigars, rum, beautiful people, music that moves you and food man oh man food cooked by a large hairy woman who grunts and mumbles to herself but cooks like an angel.

Sounds like a damn fine Christmas if you ask me, but something is missing, the one vital ingredient.

Family.

Family includes special friends.
If you have no-one to share it all with you may as well not celebrate it at all. Life is about sharing, be it love, sorrow, pain or joy.

Add all of the above together and you have memories. That's the best gift anyone could wish for this Christmas.

Good nite

Christmas vs the 'D' Factor

There is one thing we all fear more than breaking down in the middle of a desert on a full moon evening and having Aunt Judy lecturing you from the back seat about how cars never broke down in the old days, how she was going to die alone and wild beasts will devour her. You refrain from telling her that not even the hungriest coyote would eat her sinewy old carcass and the amount of reserve methane she transported in her intestine would make Little Boy (the atomic bomb) look like a Christmas cracker.

The one thing we fear is debt.

Personal Debt has the ability to bring us all to our knees, break relationships, cause a wide array of illnesses including high blood pressure, stress and sleep depravation to mention a few. It gets worse because our society encourages debt and the moment you lose control it spirals so quickly that before you know it all you have worked for, slaved for is at risk of being taken from you.

Do you remember that first clothing account, the ultimate joy of your first purchase, the excitement and sense of power as you walked out the store, buyers high and man o man you were untouchable, in a good way not like the mucus glazed kid at the doctors room that is blowing snot bubbles through its nostril as it sleeps on its moms lap. Nope you were James Bond, Spiderman, Invisible Girl and Mr Bean all wrapped in one, you were untouchable.

Then you applied and received your first credit card, shiny, new and begging to be used. You bought a few things and then splurged and bought a big item, you were a little nervous and had doubts, but you did it. Then it was too late. You used your second credit card to subsidise your first. Visa vs MasterCard and nobody won yet the chaos continued.

My life is filled with bad decisions made with good intentions and wishes and dreams that somehow faded under the burden of debt.

I trust you will heed this warning and somehow realise that things mean nothing and love and family and friends carry so much more meaning.

Good nite

Driving with Chopsticks

Yes it is exactly what you think it is.
By my definition of the law, talking on a cellphone whilst driving is not permitted, however it says nothing about eating Chinese with chopsticks whist driving.

It was interesting and yes I was hungry and wanted to get to my destination so stopping was not an option. It does make turning sharply a little more difficult, but it can now be ticked off my list of things I never thought I had to do yet did.

I do realise that I am no movie star or famous model, perhaps mirrors do not weep when I step away or sob uncontrollably for me to return, but I am beginning to like who I am.
I am foremost a father, a man who takes parenting seriously and wants it to work. I mess up, I get angry, annoyed, impatient and do not feel very pleased with myself when I do.
I want to give my girls everything and with Christmas looming as close as a Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes, it is very hard for me to look at my potential budget vs potential gift list.

I want to spoil them and see their smiles when they open their gifts and somehow hope they won't be disappointed.

So what is a Dad to do, well like most folk, we do what we can, give what we can and love them and cherish them while we can. I have to lower my expectations and be more realistic when the entire worlds marketing campaign tells me to give more, do more and be more.

At least I drove with chopsticks today and suprised my girls by coming home a little earlier.

Good nite all

Dr Ted's Diet

So summer is virtually on our doorstop, gym memberships are through the roof and a whole array of diets have taken over the world.

Our mirrors that were hibernating the whole winter now get shown bodies normally reserved for the Wierd and Wonderful Freak show.
There are also the German tourists who wear bikinis and speedos irrespective of hair, fat, warts and respect for the beautiful people. Guide dogs cry at the sight and babies stare in mock horror.

There is only one sensible way to attack this situation and it is by means of dieting.
I have therefore taken it upon myself to publish Dr Ted's Anti-Diet.
It is a six week plan and involves dedication, perseverance and will power.

Without further ado here we go;

Dr Ted's Ant-Diet
There are some basic rules that need to be covered and adhered to.
1. You need to bath in at least 8 glasses of water every day!
2. No chocolate should be eaten with the wrappers still on. It will hinder processing in the colon and bowel.
3. Avoid fat at all costs and do not touch it or anyone who has it, so in short steer well clear of all fat relatives.
4. Exercise is essential! Watch it breathe it smell it, spend time in the gym, all the good ones have a coffee shop situated inside and you can experience the full ambience without having to build up a sweat.
5. A personal trainer of the opposite sex does wonders for eye exercise and neck muscles as you strain to get the perfect view of that butt in action.
6. Accessorise accessorise accessorise! Get the kit, look the part, the amount of calories burnt up by getting into gymgear is the equivalent to wrestling a family of 4 for that last cheeseburger. And wear the headband, it is also great for stopping children screaming during tantrum times.

This will help you en route to your ideal wait for perfection and the effort will not go unnoticed by your GP. If they aren't, change GP's!

Happy Dieting!

Coffee for One

Friday night, a series and making filter coffee for one.
Sad, well perhaps but simple and sweet as well.

I have almost been divorced for a year and Friday nights have taken on a completely different meaning, with my girls they are hugs and cuddles and warm moments that would melt a marshmellow man. Then there are the other ones where you are a little lonely, a tad sad with a hint of optimism.

I was told over a pork chop to lighten up my blog a little, so here goes; by the power not vested in me I now pronounce this blog light!

When I think of light I think of girls beer, thin sickly looking models and hospitals that are white and light! There is a sickly pale sadness about that pure white light, it reminds me of cancer and CAT scans and I don't want to go there.

I want to dance the night away, sit on a beach and hear the waves roll in, sit beside a fireplace in winter and drink hot chocolate on a winters night sitting under a blanket watching the moon.
I would prefer not to do this alone.

Coffee for one.

Lonely or peaceful. Sad or satisfied. Depressed or thoughtful.

Am I encouraged that I am not the only one in the world that feels this way or simply sad because I would not mind being with one of those people tonight. Perhaps just perhaps one day the will be 'Coffee for Two'

Good nite

Stages of Life

There are stages in ones life that require different strengths, different skills and different motives.

When I was in the army, I required strength of mind and physical endurance to survive the first 6 months, sanity for the next 4 months and then the ability to play the game better than the system the following 18 months. It was a case of being one step ahead of the enemy, in this case a 18 year neanderthal who assumed he was God and made sure you remembered it.

It was a case of fighting fire and threats with stupidity and confusion, ignorance in the hands of many can humble a self made God and cause him to speak in rages that sent spittle flying like vegetables from a 2 year olds mouth.
If you succeeded in defeating them and the system, you had won and they had very little power over you.

Courting on the other hand involved charm, patience and hidden agendas, it was more espionage that direct confrontational warfare. You wou attempt to extract information with subtle hints, inexpensive gifts and kisses that would have sucked the false teeth out of a grannies mouth. The young passion, the gleam in the eye, the telephone calls that seem to last forever yet produced no answers. It was like hugging an octopus, you knew it was dangerous but convinced yourself you could leave at any time. And all this time the game of cat and mouse continued.

Then the male proposed, his offer was accepted after a few attempts and he assumed he had the upper hand. He would son be lord of his mansion with his young wife eager and willing and waiting on his new found wisdom.
Or so he assumed!
It was not long before the tables were turned, the hunter became the trapped deer transfixed in the road as the bright lights raced towards him. He felt no pain as he was stripped of title, his estate and his wisdom.
She had him.
She smiled sweetly.
She had him.

It is the circle of wife, sorry life and as such we live, love, gather memories and shed tears.

I have no regrets, only memories and maybe the slightest glimmer of hope.

Good nite

Listen and Support

It is very seldom that I begin writing a blog without having some sort of idea of where I am heading and what it is going to be about. So basically I am asking you to follow or join me as we just touch on 'things' and see where we end up.

I spent the whole of Saturday in bed after having early coffee with a dear friend and my girls, they chatted and laughed and I spent most of my time watching Simonne and Nicole. I seem to doing a lot more of that lately. They are no longer my little girls, they have become little ladies with opinions, real emotions and direction. They have recovered from the initial shock of divorce and have found their feet and accepted what i still battle to comprehend. They have moved on.

They speak of boys, hobbies, plans, future and possible subject choices and career choices. I cannot give them all they want materially and emotionally, I love them so deeply and have a bond I hope will remain forever, but they need female input. its not that they don't get that from their Mom, she loves them dearly. What I am trying to say is that they need role models, they need listeners that aren't necessarily their parents to chat, dream, laugh and vent at. I remember as a kid wanting to be taken seriously and even if I could not get my way, at least just to be heard. We shout them down, laugh at them and sometimes use the phrase that we swore we would never use as parents, 'Not now honey I'm a little busy'.

The world has gone mad, Liverpool are mid table, vampires are the good guys, the Queen is getting Facebook and Justin Bieber is considered sexy. The pace we live at and the pressure place on the youth today at school and by their piers (I almost typed "pears", can you imagine a really aggressive intimidating pear) is ridiculous. When are they supposed to kids? They have Facebook, Mxit, Gmail, chatrooms and texting and access to the whole world slime and grime included. They can Google pedophiles and porn, they can get it all on their cellphones and we seem to have very little we can do to protect them.

This is not a blog that is slating technology, I love technology and accept the good with the evil, I just don't want my girls to be exposed to all of the nasty stuff yet. What is a Dad to do?

The parenting side is basically done, they are 12 and 14 and all the groundwork is complete. All I can add are the odd bits here and there and provide emotional support as they stumble from the nest and face the world head on. I have to let them fall, but can assist in getting them back on their feet and then have to stand back as they venture forth again.

Parenting is as easy as convincing a 2 year old that chocolate and spinach are both good for you. It is an exact science that has basic outlines and lots of grey areas, like George Bush winning the Nobel Peace Award.

So our stroll went somewhere. My head hurts for the fourth day in a row and I must leave you.

Good Nite

Sleep

I can't believe the weekend is here, no I am not going to say that 'yawn' I am a little 'yawn' well maybe I will close my eyes for a second just a zzzzzzzzzz

Good grief I feel like I have run a marathon or even worse, eaten too much pizza and now when I lie on my belly my head can't touch the pillow. What's happened? Is it the end of the year tiredness or is it sleep deprevation from my twenties that have all come at the same time to cash in their dues. Friday night and I have a headache and my bed is my best friend for tonight.

Perhaps I can try yoga but I have visions of snoring and disturbing the other yogimites, or there is also pilates! Stretching and rolling on large rubber balls and using inner muscles? Hang on! That could mean deep inner muscle cramps which lead to screaming like a 2 year old deprived of ice cream.

And what is left? Tryathlones haha the harder I try the more I deny! Running? Well my wobbly bits complain and there is a searing pain somewhere between my ears and toes. Swimming means wearing a really tight piece of rubber on my head and yes people point and laugh. Others fall off training bicycles and a man without a neck and steroids popping out of his eyeballs dropped a weight on his foot and used language that reminded me of a Walt Disney pirated 2D movie.

Enough, Sleeping Meds 3 - 0 Ted

Nite all

UberDad

I am tired.
Tired of a lot of things, firstly dieting is for fat people and I am merely pleasantly plump, I have thin toes and the wrists of a professional darts player.

I like food, I love cooking and I love coffee. I haven't smoked a pipe for about 5 or 6 months and have a selection of pipe tobaccos that would confuse a police sniffer dog for ages.

I want to be UberDad, the bestest of the best, I want to be loved by my girls and have realised that raising teenage girls is like falling from aladder gracefully. You do your best but at some stage you hit the ground and can either lie there swearing or get up and scream 'The Aliens did it'.
UberDad puts so much pressure on himself that he questions everything including his kids love for him. It took a friend to tell me I was a bloody idiot and needed a good kick in the pants. You see, I can't buy their love, I can't win them over with false promises. I need to be real, be there and be a Dad and let time take care of the rest.

I love them that there is no doubt of, I regret putting them through a divorce and that was not their fault and had nothing to do with them at all. I am sad that it will more than likely affect their relationships with men at a later stage in their lives, but I pray that somehow the right man will sweep them off their feet and love them unconditionally. I do not wish to hurt him . . . . much haha.

So what is a Dad to do?
Just love them and care for them.
Be there when they need you and be consisitant in all your decisions.

As for the rest, well I can only pray.

Good nite

Is Life Affordable

Living! Damn its expensive and yes I know it beats the alternative, but good grief I can't be the only one battling.

Milk, cereal, beer, chocolate and other essential items have skyrocketed and cash is dwindling and disappearing faster than Toyota's reliability reputation.

I hate that I have to 'survive' for one or two weeks a month and somehow make a plan to get through. Its frustrating that I cannot seem to put any savings together, have no insurance and am basically surviving from month to month. It can be soul destroying at times, please don't get me wrong, I have food in the house and my girls are fine, but I would love to have medical cover in place for them and ultimately me.

If you had a choice between soap or shampoo, what would you choose? Soap provides unlimited entertainment if dropped in the bath and you try to find it. It does however on the negative side burn the eyes more than shampoo. Shampoo comes in a container and floats in the bath making it profoundly easier to find. Decisions decisions!

I have one daughter giggling and the other sulking at the moment, ladies will be ladies and emotions run rife and stable is not a word to be used to describe them. Teenagers have to have boundries and yet wish to feel as if they are independant and not controlled or caged in. To find a balance can be easy or harder than keeping carrot juice down.

My ramblings tonight must end.
My cash flow is non existant and the piggy banks have been raided and pillaged more times than France.

Good nite

Spin Cycle

Long before the invention of sliced bread and loin cloths there was a profound need for the washing of clothes on a more regular basis. It was apparently brought on by some Woman In Fanatical Evolution, let us refer to to her simply as WIFE.

WIFE so we are made to believe had an over developed sense of smell and when the all conquering all knowing fearless warrior returned from a 2 year crusade scarred and limping, he was banished to the river to cleanse himself. WIFE was ruthless, but she would engage in sweet grunts and kitchen groping if the groper did not smell more than the slightly off fish bit soup.

And that my friend is how the laundromat was born! So I sit at a bench with three other men, the machines hum and turn and silence grows. The last 10 minutes have taken an hour and I somehow long for the boredom of a doctors waiting room, at least they have magazines.

I have counted 10 flies circling the corner where a drum lies with a stick next to it. There is a sweet packet on the slotted table that has leaked and dripped onto the floor and a cheap clock on the wall just too high to be stolen easily.

It would be safe to assume that I didn't get the washing machine in the divorce, it wasn't worth fighting for as my girls would require it more frequently than me.
"What has gone behind does not determine what lies ahead"
Its on my wishlist to Santa along with lots of other toys I will save for another blog.

My machine has changed it pitch so I somehow hope that the end is nigh.

15 bucks for a wash, I think I will visit a grave site after this and take some photos, it is Sunday so expect more than just the average homeless person there and maybe even the chance of fresh flowers. If found I will place it on the blog for all to criticise and ponder.

Damn we have only reached 'rinse' mode, this is worse than attending the wedding of distant families pregnant teenage daughter to a nervous partner who feels he would rather be home studying for his exams.

Spin cycle, I am so close I can smell it! Oh for a mug of steaming filter coffee and a friendly face!

Done! Finished!

Off for some photos at the graveyard and then home.

Goodbye

Rainbow

There are storms that hit us throughout our lives, not just during our 'crisis' moments like death, divorce or medical crisis. They have a tendency to hit and then seem to go into repeat mode and keep bashing, when it seems we are unable to take anymore they will send another wave that will sweep you off your feet and keep you pinned to the ground.

There is a train of thought that suggests that the for better or for worse till death us do part indicates that there is no other option. I used to be one of those ignorant souls, I believed that it was fixable in almost all situations. How foolish and arrogant of me.
We so easily condemn, judge and wave our religious, non-religious or scientific flags and disregard anothers opinion for the sake of our belief system. We remove the human element, we remove love for our fellow man, our neighbour and our enemies. It is so sad yet it is not a new train of thought, but old as man.

The storms make us realise that no man is an island and we need to rally around each other and care for each other. By reaching out and helping another we restore a little humanity to ourselves.

We will be ridiculed, insulted and shunned for doing what is not the norm. But that's ok, we have the opportunity to make a difference.

I am trying to see the traces of a rainbow after each storm. Maybe one day I will see it with more clarity, but it is there.

Good Night

The Christmas Looms

There are Christmas decorations and chocolate Lindt Father Christmas men lined up like toy soldiers. I love Christmas, well I used to before the divorce. The music, the family time, the excitement, the greeting of friends, Christmas cards and whipping out the decorations and watching the girls setting up the tree with millions of lights and tinsel and little creatures.

The morning Christmas service, hugs and smiles from strangers and the prospect of too much awesome food followed by pudding that would kill the healthiest elf alive.

Everyone seems happier, people are more chatty. But that was before divorce.

Now there are books and courses that give us coping tools to survive Christmas. I didn't understand this, yet even last year when I had my girls with me it was different. Now there were 3, something was missing and it seemed that it had taken a huge part of the joy with me.

Friends rallied round us and we joined in the festivities, yet my girls and I found ourselves lying in a spare room after lunch. It was all too much. Nothing was said and yet we were all thinking exactly the same thing, what had happened.

Life has a way of dealing us a deck of cards, it would be easy to blame the dealer and somehow pass the proverbial buck. It would be easy to blame the other party and simply give in to all the pain and surrender life and simply give up.

Please do not misunderstand me, I am crying as i write this because the pain and the memories are still so real and the wounds so raw, but I held the cards and I played the game. There are consequences for our actions, but there is also second chances. Rebuilding and preparations are slowly being put into place, I say slowly because I have tried everything to speed it up to no avail. God works in His own time and we cannot dictate, rush, bribe or use any emotional persuasion to somehow influence His decision if we truly want peace, real peace. I don't have that yet.

This Christmas i will see my girls briefly, it will be difficult and I am not sure what coping mechanisms will be required to carry me through it. I have amazing friends that will rally round, but I still have to face the changes, the new rules, the absences and pain on my own.

If I remember correctly, the last Christmas Service we attended as a whole family was the one I wore a Father Christmas Suit to church, it caused many smiles and much interest from the smaller members of the congregation.

This year will be different, my tears are bringing the necessary healing and my heart is heavy. I am also tired and emotionally drained.

Life has a way of continuing whether we are on the ride or not, I am hanging on and when I feel I am slipping, invisible hands carry me.

I hope you will have someone to love, hold, spoil and care for you on this special day. If not, please mail me and I will respond to you on Christmas Day.

Good Night

Cuppachino Dreams

I have made a cuppachino I would have killed for! It looked so pretty I wanted to kiss it. You ever wanted to kiss a cuppachino? Well I did! WOW

‎​it was like that moment when the Prince first lays eyes on the princess and the world slows down and the music stops playing. You could not hear an ant breathe

Mountains collided, waves crashed, nuns wept!

How do you top 'nuns weeping'?

My girls have just spent a week with me and despite the fact that Nicole wasn't well and I worked really hard, we had a good time. We chatted laughed, agreed and argued, feelings were hurt and comforting words were required, but this is life and it was good. The cuppachinos pretty much describe my girls in my life. You can't get too much of them, they are great even if they have no sugar and are cold. They are great any time of the day or night and when you have a cuppachino in your hand, you seem to forget about life and its burdens for a while.

When I kiss my girls on their brow, I feel as if I am telling them in some unspeakable language that I am there, that I care, that they mean more than everything else and that kiss is a promise that I will never stop loving them. Ever.

In case the coffee concubines kidnap me tonight and whisk me off to wherever it is they take people, have an really groovy tomorrow and stop for a cup of coffee.

Spend a little time forgetting about your problems, your concerns, your debt, how you are going to pay the bond. Just close your eyes and smile and say 'thank you' for what you have.

Tonight I am alone again, it isn't nice but I had seven great nights.

Good nite

Fight or Flee

Ever wondered what the hell you are doing?
Where am I heading and what am I getting myself into?
Why me, why not someone else and why now?

Life has an intriguing way of opening doors ever so slightly and letting just enough light through for us to see it. What we do is one of two things, one, we ignore it and tell ourselves it wasn't ever there. Or two, we take a deep breathe and head towards it irrespective of the consequences.

This determines the way we face life, love and heartache. We can confront it or ignore it and hope it simply fades away and nobody notices. In the past while I have had to confront many issues I would simply have laughed off before. I have had to look myself. And examine the naked man before me, no mean task as that much nudity should not be exposed all at once.

I didn't like what I saw and decided that I could learn from my mistakes and move ahead or wallow in self pity. I bathed in self pity for some time and it took a couple of really hard kicks to the butt to awaken me and begin the motion forward. It is definitely harder to move a resting object that to change the direction of one already in motion.

So I must move ahead and steer my ship into stormy waters and see what challenges await me.

Adventure? Sadness? Failure? Love? Purpose?

Time will tell.

Join me as my journeys heads off into the distant yonder.

Good nite.

Choices

It takes a decision, an action, the ability to choose a path and step onto the road that leads to it.

The teaching is that we have the ability and choice to determine which way we steer our course in life. We determine the route and when we deviate and wander down the long winding road, there will be adventures that await us.

I have been afraid at times to let go of my safety harness, I fear free falling because falling hints at loss of control on my part. It likes going into a public toilet blindfolded, you don't know what you getting into and worst of all, if there is any toilet paper!!

So I have ventured cautiously at times and then over compensated and gone Julius Malema at other times, that implies a complete lack of judgment and no concern for any consequences. Like to think they might balance out.

Choices.

I choose to see the shooting star as an opportunity to make a wish and smile as I believe in magic for a micro second or alternatively consider it as a redundant satellite hurtling towards earth with the acute possibility of killing some mystical eastern philosopher prone for greatness in the Western World Wilderness, or the www as we commonly refer to it. Maybe that's why Bill Gates keeps his windows closed on account of heavenly hail. Enough Ted enough.

What I am saying is our attitude determines our success or failure, our health, our friendship and our hope for tomorrow.

Good nite

Scar or Smile

Is it wrong to ponder the relationship you expected to last forever and somehow endeavour to contemplate it in the greater circle of life and love? In simple english, will love come knocking again?

The arrival of my girls reminded me of the lack of female touch in my home, the pillows I gave to the cleaner because they were not fitting for a middle aged batchelor and is it batchelor or divorcee? Is there a significant difference or does the one just cost you more in lawyers fees to obtain.

I keep coming back to certain issues and there is no answer or closure yet.
There is sadness and pain, yet could this be the pre-empting of hope?
Does all of this somehow take all of the scars and knit them together to make us whole and stronger than before?
Or am I simply searching for a happy ending in a world where trust is not plausible?

I am weary and need to continue another night.

Another day another battle, scar or smile? Who knows?

Good nite

Cape Town

"It starts with chocolate cake and sparkles, old friends, new friends and loving daughters. Irish coffees without cream because they have run out and appear with cream, sound sinister?

Cape Town has been a journey of renewell and growth for me, I discovered the ability to laugh freely and just have fun again. My throat is sore from talking too loudly and I am feeling fluey, but I have had coffee and chocolate cake on my birthday and have not been attacked by midgets and smog affiliated bunnies".

This was a weekend that reawakening and renewal, I bonded with an amazing friend, met old friends again, acted as if I was in my early twenties and searched for French male artists in music shops. The last one had the assistants confused and needless to say, none was found. I did find an Alizee cd in Johannesburg, but at double the price of a new release, I refrained reluctantly.

Presents you ask, well two amazing shirts, a radio/alarm clock, a Sony Bloggie, soap in the shape of a motorbike, a delicious lemon creamy salad dressing, sunglasses and the rope thingamabob that fits to the end of the glasses and last but not least, return air tickets to Cape Town. Add a home made chocolate cake with candles and good friends and I was happy as a puppy having its tummy rubbed.

This is overdue because as soon as I returned to Johannesburg, I was running like a fatman trying to escape a health farm.

Its good to be home.

Good nite

They have Arrived!

It is not easy to predict life and the path it weaves and casts before us, I am surprised, shocked, amused and enlightened by each day and sometimes each passing hour. A week ago I did not have my girls living with me and now they are, beds arranged and put together, mattress bought and so too pink cushion covers and fitted sheet.

Cooking for 3, extra clothes and shoes and brushes, they have not moved in, nope, they invaded, sought their spot and claimed it. I have female touches in my pad, have been informed what is lacking and a grocery list is evolving on my fridge door. There are conversations about music, appropriate table clothes, decisions about school lunches and sms's demanding my whereabouts and time of expected arrival at home.

There is also a stream of hugs, kisses in the morning and evening and dances in the kitchen. Boys are mentioned in passing, mostly with a smile and a change of subject. Boys are apparently not all evil little demons, some are cute and I do believe the words 'yummy' and 'ooooooh' also mentioned. I repond with bone cracking noises and am greeted with shakes of heads and rolling of eyes.

The cupboards are well stocked with food and the bathroom with shampoo, conditioner and toilet paper that seems to dissolve daily. It remains a mystery to me this incredible use of toilet paper and long hair everywhere. Do girls shed their hair!

But at nine the home becomes as quiet as George Michael in prison, as still as a wedding ceremony when the minister says 'if there be any who object, speak now or forever hold your peace' or when Granny gets the walking farts and doesn't notice.
Then it is silent and my girls recharge for the new day. I have an hour and then it is time to bid another day a tired farewell. It is raining outside and their faces are so calm and relaxed I wish I could just capture that moment forever.

Till next time and thank you.

The Bed

Sometimes we hear news that hits to our very core, an opinion that shatters us and rocks the very foundation we have built our theories and beliefs on.

I have that. I have forsaken the most important task I ever chose to undertake as a divorced Dad. It doesn't matter that if I was aware of it, the truth is the deed is done and the consequences harsh. I created my own hell and have to look at myself in the mirror and accept what I have done. I have to look them in the eye and know I have let them down and I have to live with that. I cannot pray for forgiveness so how the hell will I even be able to ask them for it. They needed me to be the Dad that would come in on a white horse and whisk them off their feet and into the safety of their new home and I chose to fly out of town for my birthday.

So we can now add selfishness to the list as well. I just get better don't I? There is a stage in this madness I call life where I will have to suck it up and move ahead irrespective of the mistakes and hurt I have caused and endured, but it is not tonight.

Sometimes we cannot blame others when it is simply our own fault.

All I had to do was organise a bed!

Good night

Supper for 8

And so it came to be that supper was planned, invitations sent out and the prospect of food with unfamiliar faces was looming.

I used my usual deep spiritual inner soothing Eastern calming techniques to reach a state of awareness that allowed control. I practiced old and trusted breathing techniques, chanted both loudly and softly. I bathed and cleansed my innermost being with water of joy and friendship and repeated the process 3 times.

In laymans terms, I watched a rugby match with a friend, shouting at the tv and drinking beer! And it was good.

As a Dr, I recommend this therapy for leisurely emotional expression. A cold beverage of the alcoholic variety is highly satisfying.

Then off to dinner and I was the first to arrive, and soon we had the makings of dinner for 8 (and 2 halflings), drinks, starters, main course and dessert followed by coffee for 3 and home.

Topics of discussion included botox, the benefits and costing annually, I was unaware that it was so popular and in particular amongst young men, possibly more so the young medical professionals. The drug usage also seems to be a serious problem. I suppose young, qualified, hard working and easier access to medicinal happy drugs could all lead to an explosive situation.

Teachers and teaching, jogging, well let's say that the food was very good, the company diverse, friendly and easy to chat to and it all ended well.

Jo, you missed a good evening dude! Better not chicken out next time or far harsher means will be sought and applied, remember midgets usually work in pairs haha.

Hi-light of the evening, difficult but possibly coffee for 3 and a discussion about organised Christianty.

Thank you A, was a blast

Good night

What do you want from me?

It is true that none carries the scorn and harbours anger with more vile and deception than that of a person who is or has been betrayed.

We have been taught by our 'civilised' society we find ourselves in to control our emotions and only expose slight alterations and only so when in an agreeable situation. We are under the ever watchful eye of our peers and if that fails to control us we use imagination and guilt. Santa only brings presents to good boys and girls, how sad will Jesus be that you didn't pray tonight, you haven't been to confession for how long and Allah have mercy. Basically we bribe, lie, promise, beat and use emotional blackmail to get what we want, and this becomes part of our adult life as well.

We gossip, cheat at games, boast and envy and then at the end of the day we praise ourselves for not being like them, those people, I mean just look at them.

And this is called civilisation.

Perhaps being a grunting, bum scratching, club bearing wild hair and weary homosapien, some might call her Aunty Zelda, is not so bad after all.

I started with betrayal, so let me complete this little circle. When we are hurt, we normally fight back instinctively with much more emotion and strength that we are aware we ever had. We 'lose it' and then invariably wonder why we snapped.
Snapping solves nothing. Snapping causes more pain, find a friend, companion, some you trust and chat to them about it.

By talking it through we have a chance of avoiding a full blown battle and then nobody wins.

Good night

Two Wheeler Horror

So then there was cycling. Balancing your entire body weight on a piece of foam infused metal the size of a small rodent!

But it gets better. It is not motorised, good grief no! It is powered by you moving from side to side on a metal seat whilst pedalling until your lungs explode. After the first 10 minutes you have lost all feeling of where your body meets the bicycle. You would endure less pain if you were kicked repeatedly in the face for a day, plus you would still be able to walk afterwards NORMALLY!

Then why in the name of all that it pure, pain free and pretty would I put myself through this? Because a 12 year old angel used the magic phrase, 'Please Daddy'

On the positive side I didn't fall or swear at any old woman or dogs, I didn't spit straight ahead and forget that spit on a bicycle has a boomerang effect and I made Nicole very happy. Her pink bike is her pride and joy.

In my opinion, bicycles should have motors, bucket seats and a roof, oh hang on that's already been invented! Its called a motor car!

All in all it was a good weekend with my girls and now I have 3 days of work before I head to the Mother City to see what needs to be seen and hug those who need to be hugged. A good weekend for a birthday and a good place to spend it. I will shout at the mountain and wave my fist at the slow waiter and sip ale from the lips of a cold bottle and smile. I will ask irrelevant questions like 'Is this fish fresh' and 'if they called onion rings, does anyone answer them'? I will insist on french fries as chips have the sublime ability to cause mild to severe flatulence and to ask for my salad on the side, the other side. And that's just breakfast.

I am excited to see old friends again and laugh together. Memories are like a good red wine that tastes better as it ages and must be shared to be properly enjoyed.

Till next time

Good night.

Companionship

Why do we feel lonely?
What is it that makes us want to sink deeper and deeper in a black hole and slowing die a little more inside each day?

This disease known as depression is like cancer, it finds a place to plant a seed and then it spreads its evil web of dark misery. But it doesn't stop, it clouds our vision, it dampens our passions and slowly like a leech it sucks the very life out of us.

So, what is the answer?
Well being alone is a bad idea, get out into the light, get out and find a friend, someone to talk to, someone you trust. John Cougar wrote 'Everyone just needs a hand to hold onto'. It not about the sex or lusts, most times it simply to have someone to talk to, to be near when the monsters come out to play, when you feel like giving up and all seems lost.

Have you found that someone?
I have and yet I fear I am abusing the privilege and friendship. I have no physical contact and very little verbal, there have been occasions when the walls have got too close and an emergency calls were necessitated. Other times urgent advice was required. Otherwise its all about a wireless wonder.

I do so miss the conversation and availability of hugs on hand, but a new world awaits and I must sail through the mist to find what awaits me on the other side.

Good Night!

Love?

So explain love to me again.
Explain the faith it takes to put your trust in someone so deeply that you not only give them your heart on a silver platter, you give them a carving knife as well. And then you walk away and trust they will do the right thing.

And what if they don't?

What if they get bored, what if they start seeing it simply as a chunk of meat? What if . . .

I don't know about love, I don't know what it will take for me to date let alone risk moving a relationship to another level. I don't know about staring into someone's eyes and smiling, holding hands as you sit together and desperately waiting for work to end that you can get to see them.

I want to believe,
I want to know that there is more than this.

Perhaps I am simply selfish and need to rather put my energy into my girls and leave love to sort itself out for better or worse. So selfish love seeker and dreamer or just a fool who needs to get on with life?

You tell me.

Good night

Waves

I am amazed at the adventure we refer to as life and the manner it to seek out the weak from the strong.

I see it as being on the beach and playing in the waves, very seldom do we do it alone and hardly ever do we see all the potential dangers.

Humour me a bit here, imagine you are a child of say eight, playing in the waves. There is no greater feeling of pure raw fun, salty water in your eyes, the sun hot and the water cool and refreshing. Then out of nowhere you are distracted and a wave knocks you over, because you weren't watching your back it got you. Down you go and the wave roughs you up a little, maybe you swallow a little water. You struggle to your feet and a little confused and shocked you try and collect yourself, but before you can a slightly larger wave knocks you and this time holds you down a little longer. You emerge gasping for air and coughing, maybe a little disorientated and most of your confidence dissipated, vision blurry and fear and the first signs of panic have set in. You might even be on the verge of crying at this point.

As the next wave attacks and bullies you raw panic and fear set in and now you're in serious trouble! But here is the really cool part, as the wave hits, you feel strong arms lift you, cradle you to a warm chest and lift you out of the water. A soothing voice, strong and comforting says your name and tells you it is all ok and not to worry, you are safe now. You bury your head in the chest and sob with relief. The voice continues to comfort and soon you are on the beach, a towel wrapped around you, he is stroking your hair and kissing your forehead and you feel safe.

Those waves have a way of beating you and throwing you about, they pull you under, scare and confuse you and will ultimately kill you. But you are not alone in all of this, you do not have to face it all one on one.

We have the choice and in my case, swimming alone is no longer an option I choose. I am tired of fighting the ocean, it just wears you down, tires you and then it is too late.

Good night

Date Night

There is something magical about your first date night with a beautiful young lady, add that she is your 14 year old daughter and you are on your way to a truly magnificent memory.

I collected a smiling chatty Simon from her Mom's home and she was waiting in the yard for me as I arrived, she wore shinny black jeans, red pumps and a red Hemisphere hoodie with a smile that would melt a rattlesnakes heart.

We chatted and laughed and finally decided on a restaurant after a detour for 2 magazines and a stroll through CNA, a Greek Restaurant as she had never eaten in one before. I ordered the Kleftika and Simon ordered her first ever fillet with side orders of steamed vegetables and roast potatoes. It was awesome, awesome like finding you had just inherited a pub on the beach in Jamaica. The meat melted, the veges were crisp and the potatoes slightly sweet.

Simon had an A4 handwritten list of conversational items, as she said 'I always think afterwards arghhh I should have told Dad that'. It was so sweet and so typical of her. After supper we set off for the search for the perfect setting for dessert and wandered into Mantovanis, stared transfixed at the cake display and headed upstairs to their lounge. We were the only ones there and Simon ordered chocolate brownies and icecream and a chocolate smoothie, a real death by chocolate challenge. I settled for a cuppachino and tiramiso. Stunning.

Then more chatter and time to drop my darling back at her Mom's house, we listened to grunge rock with growling and I kept a tentative eye on my heat gauge in the car as it was overheating rather badly.

I received a spine cracking hug from her, a huge smile and a kiss and as she walked down the driveway, I could not help smiling despite the fact that I was divorced.

I mean if this divorce means that I forge this sort of bond and relationship with my girls, then I am willing to remain single and bear the sad silent moments on my own.

What was the highlight of the evening for me? Must have been the smile I kept getting as her eyes sparkled and her words kept pouring out.

Thank you my Simon Pie.

Good night

Wall

There is a place inside of us that we protect, some call it our soul, others our core, our most secret place that very few of us dare to share with anyone. Sometimes we never share it with anyone, it remains so sacred to us that we may live in fear of it ever being revealed.

It is what gives us our ability to make decisions, weigh up consequences and ultimately decide whether our choice is morally and ethically correct. We can justify any decision and argue that it is as it needs to be, yet in this place, here we know the true answer. We cannot deceive ourselves.

When we decide to have children and introduce them into a world where we are essentially regarded as a sensual creature who is entitled to the commercial toys that are dangled in front of us like a puddle lures a 10 year old en route to school in his brand new school shoes, so we are drawn in. We convince one another that we are entitled to it and almost cannot stop ourselves licking our lips as we acquire it, feel it, own it or more accurately let it own us.

We seek inner peace, contentment and somehow we are almost just trying to forgive ourselves for our own transgression against no one but ourselves. Meditation enables us to somehow slow it all down. Let the chaos and panic somehow slow down that we can address certain issues and perhaps understand and put some it in perspective. Peace is the answer, the route to it is entirely your decision, not your partners, not your friends, not your parents and not your priest or spiritual teacher. Ultimately they will all impart knowledge and advice, but the decision is your alone and as such so are the consequences of your decision.

Good night

Sunday Sunday bright and sunny,
Awoken by my girls but my tummy felt funny
Went for a walk and Smau's excellent breakfast
Then resting and lazing and thinking of the past
Well the kitchen floor needed a clean
And better wash some clothes and my favourite jeans
Now lying on the couch and my eyes grow weary
Too lazy to arise and fetch me a beery

What? It does rhyme with 'weary'

So it has been a couple of days and I have been drowning myself in Series to forget about life. Truth is I am simply killing time and then battling to sleep at night. It seems we cannot outrun our demons, they follow us and come knocking when we try and rest. Not even meds help, so you supermed and then battle a little at work. You try and live at work when you should be working, you overthink and over analyze and basically everything suffers.

Then it takes a sms from your work partner to remind you that your job in fact pays for all the crap you need to keep the show on the road. What show, the one that leads you through this wilderness of confused emotions and scars. For the wounds to heal you need time, time heals all wounds and yes there will be scars. A scar can either be a painful reminder of a wound or it can be a real life tattoo brought about by part of the adventure called life.

What do you see? A corpse, rotten, dead, smelly and decaying or as C put it today, an angel. The angel promises hope, comfort, light and opportunity. I remind myself God doesn't make spelling mistakes, He sometimes just let's us see it all from another angle.

I am coping and am not afraid to say that it is not all a bed of duck feathers! Sorry but I am not resting my delicate bottom on a bed of thorny roses, no Sir.

I need to try and focus and find those 3 positive things a day to keep myself moving forward.

Today its, angel, strawberry juice and talking to my girls through a steel fence.

Good Night

A Green Shoot

No Patrick its not another 'let's save the tiberian rain snail from cross breeding with a Yeti to give you a creature with a rocky texture that moves incredibly slowly.

Its about a new start, its about seeing evidence of months of hard work, prayer, positive input by many friends and grace. Add to that a pinch of hope and stir in a small breath of faith and maybe, just maybe those shoots have a chance to survive and blossom.

What are these shoots? Well there's a home, a job, friends, an acceptance of the need for medication (I still fight this one daily) and two amazing daughters. There is chocolate, ripe avos, home made burgers and prego rolls. Ice cold beer on a hot summers day, the taste and allure of your first cup of coffee of the day. A smile from a beautiful person and a wave from a child you don't know.

New days, new hope, shattered dreams that somehow seem to work themselves out in the end. A good old fashioned sob in a hot shower and thoughts of old love and the anticipation of new prospects.

I somehow feel the need to wipe the slate clean and awaken with years of baggage, prejudice and guilt and just smile and take a new step into my new adventure, I mean isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about!

Sometimes with growth spurts come growth pains and as such we have to shed a tear before we can see the sunshine.

Good night all.

Friends

Righty ho and Tally yo, we need friends. We need them like a plant needs light unless you want to be a mushroom and let's face it, they don't look so hot.

Friends are like lingerie, they support, comfort, make some of us laugh but most of all enable us to feel special and loved. No I mentioned lingerie not underwear and there is a massive difference! Men in thongs are just wrong and granny panties are as seductive as a sexually frustrated pitbull doing the wild thing on your leg!

Friends understand when you don't have to explain, they can see through your defences and feel your pain as clearly as if it is their own. They will go out of their way to carry you when you cannot walk and will look over you when you do not wish to be alone. When I hit a really bad spot, I moved in with some friends as the loneliness was too much. I discovered later that they used to come check on me at night to see if I was sleeping. They fed and nurtured to a position where I was able to get on my feet again, they even looked after my girls when I was unable to. When I fell apart they were picking up the pieces before they hit the ground.

A friend is one who will love you through hell and not judge you when you lose it and rage against the world. They will wait patiently till your storm passes and then smile and nod.

They will call and just listen as you criticise and bemoan society, life and the universe. They will encourage you with a smile, a hug or a hand on the shoulder.

I am blessed to have such friends and to each one of them I can simply say, "Thank you"

Good night

Sunday Silence

Background music, ABBA greatest hits. No I am not at home!

It seems to be a Sunday where messages are sent and are not answered, maybe a good point as I do not see myself as suitable conversational material yet today.


I woke up tired after a good night sleep and had to really motivate myself to get up and have a shave and russle up clothing. Jeans, sneakers, golf shirt and hoodie and a stroll to the chemist to get the goodies.

My pharmacist is in his late fifties early sixties, wears a toupe and thinks he is God's gift to woman. He is overweight and has moustache that will strain all the meat from a bowl of soup. He smokes in his pharmacy and oh crap let's just cut all the niceties and bullshit.

Here's the truth, I hate Sundays.
Ultimately they are family days and times for friends, families and lovers to spend together. I am alone. Anywhere I go I am alone. If I arrive at a friends home I feel the odd one out. I feel even more lonely in shopping centres and going to the movies alone is not a good idea. The term 'odd one out' comes to mind.

I have yet to find a way to constructively 'enjoy' a Sunday since my lifestyle change and am still attempting to find the perfect plan for the perfect Sunday.

If there isn't such a thing I plan on seeking a place of peace, somewhere I can be content and where sorrow is replaced with understanding.

Thank you

A Ray of Saturday

I have no idea of what to say as an opening line so let's just forget the formalities and get straight down to it. No razor blades tonight, but a glass of wine will suffice.

Last night (Friday night) I was in bed at about 7, had a heavier dose of sleep fairy dust, and yes Brad they do crush real fairies to make it, and promply passed out. I awoke once. Went back to sleep after a mug of coffee and some lemon creams and awoke to the sound of my phone ringing excitedly. It only rings excitedly on the weekend as these are normally happy calls from those that love and care for me.

I groggily answered and it was D wanting to know if I was ready for breakfast, I asked for a token 15 minutes and met her and we walked to Smau's in Dunvegan, cuppachinos, breakfast and D's sister popped in and had a red cuppachino (rooibos tea and froth) which looked like a male ballet dancer, nice from far, but what do you stare at if he is standing in front of you.

After breakfast I met Nicole and Simon at the hairdresser and Nicoles hair looked stunning, she had cut it short and it looked so cute. Simon gave me a big hug, I collected Nicole and off it was to the HCC kite day, famous for its complete lack of wind! She wanted to see some old school friends and I was her transport of choice.

I need the opinion of our female friends please, I gave a friend some flowers today, no big deal. However instead of cut flowers I gave her potted flowers. Cool? Not cool? Irrelevant?

Afternoon braai and some test rugby with friends, then home for a bath and now here I am.

I will have the heavier dose again of the fairy compacted dust tonight so that I can reach dreamland quicker and not delay my search for my damsel in dedress and skip merrily through the sand as we watch the ocean do a Mexican wave for us.

It was a good day and even though I feel a little sadness as I lie on my bed, I am satisfied and will keep this day. Missed my chat with Super C today, that is a little sad, but hey even superheroes need the occasional day off.

Good Night all

Home Away

I forget the exact period of time that we stayed in our home, but it must have in the region of 9 years. Our girls grew from toddlers and started school from there and I have the photos of them in their uniforms standing on the back patio with the typical Grade 1 smile complete with the missing front tooth.

I loved the large covered patio, the braai and entertainment area and our study, where I hid for the last few months before I left because of an agreement I now deeply regret. Love has a way of working against you and distorting logic and common sense.

Our wonderful neighbours Y and L and the great conversations at the wall, watching their boys growing up next door.

Our numerous dogs and the birds and fish and guinea pigs, the amount of people that passed through our doors and the friendships formed. Sadness and hurt also came through but that is another story.

Then we separated pending our divorce and it became a place that broke my heart every time I returned my girls to their Mom after having them for my weekend. What hurt even more was seeing the boyfriends car parked where my car used to be.

Then there was the period they moved out and it was broken into twice and vandalised. I had to get someone to stay in the house and get it on the market as quickly as possible, the sale is now underway and the bond has been approved to the buyer.

It has many wonderful memories, good friends, good meals, laughter and some amazing family time. Of course there were times of great difficulty and sadness including the evening I told my girls that Mom and I were getting divorced and then proceeding to try and and convince them that it was not their fault. I cannot forget their faces as they sobbed as the news sank in. It is the worst I have felt in my life and at that precise moment I felt like the meanest and saddest man in the world. Our dream had not only shattered, but it had splintered and hurt all of us.

So soon I hope to hand over the keys and close another chapter in my life.

Good Night all

Sex Today

Why is it that even though we live in a society where we are exposed to sex to sell us everything under the sun, are we still reluctant to discuss it comfortably?

The mere mention of sex and some folk are already squirming in their seats and the occasional blush sets in. We are by nature sexual creatures and as such have certain desires and emotions that allow us to share intimacy with a fellow human in a very private and pleasurable manner. Should we not be more open to discussing it or is it meant to remain a topic that is seen as taboo.

I would like to see the church take the lead in such a matter, and don't come with the whole guilt and damnation philosophy, but rather be less critical and more understanding. Maybe listen a little more and lecture a little less. Talking down to folk and as a father I have learnt the hard way, will not solve anything.

Please understand that this is by no means an attack on the church, it is just that we need to remain in touch with the reality that our youth encounter on a daily basis.

And what about divorcees, where do we fit in, are we meant to just switch off our 'equipment' for a rainy day, do we become monks and nuns and simply pretend that we have gone from a relationship where we were sexually active to complete celibacy? Wouldn't mind hearing the odd opinion here. And please don't come with the whole 'you should not have got divorced in the first place' argument.

So what is the answer and how do we address this matter and discuss it as mature adults? I think a lot of honesty and sharing is required and as little criticism and damnation as possible.

I was discussing this with a friend today and it was very plain to see that we are quick to judge and point as opposed to listening and hearing.
If you fall outside the comfortable parameter that your moral circle accepts as the norm, it is almost as if you are lumped in with a whole group of others and as such labelled and ignored.

I do not expect a solution from the first person I encounter, but to be able to share an opinion with folk who are open minded enough to realise that sex is, has been and will be happening so instead of sweeping it under a rug, let's be adults about it.

Don't ignore me, I won't go away.

Goodnight

Refund Please

I want a full refund on today please!

It was not worth getting out of bed this morning, I should have stayed in bed, attached myself frantically to a passive pillow and just slept.

But no, against my better judgment, I awoke, got out of bed and pretended to treat this Tuesday like any other.

Big mistake.

My life currently is an emotional roller-coaster where I go from coping to straining and panicking to hiding from all and sundry. Today was a hiding from the world day and did I do that? No! I decided I would a hero, I would meet this day head on, use my best Billy Connolly accent, squint at Tuesday with my good eye and lick my lips in anticipation.

Tuesday ignored me like a sleeping dragon counting burning sheep.

So I bravely went about my usual business and all seemed to be normal. I didn't notice the tightening in my belly, or the hair on my neck raising and not even the dark looming shadow forming over me. Nope I was in lala land with the girl of my dreams and the wind blowing through our hair as we gazed over the ocean.

And then it hit me.

Hard. Clinical. Deathly.

I was brought to my knees and could feel the emotion build up in me. It had reached within me and ripped out my confidence, my hope, my dreams and any progress I felt I had made in this battle. I felt crippled. I felt shaken and defeated. I felt void of all emotion, hollow and dead.

I am now lying on my bed as I do not have the energy to get up and make supper. The radio is off and my head is ringing.

The only reason I am still even able to type this is due to my guardian angel, Super C who has patiently reassured me and encouraged me most of the day. When required, reality checks were thrown at me and I admitted to decisions that had added to make this situation worse, hard tough advice was given.

We all need a guardian angel in our lives and mine has kept me going through terrible times. Thank you Super C.

I am so weary now and it is only 17H36, I have no more to give today, could I have my refund please?

I have no music for today.

The Monday Mass Murderer

Well Monday reared its head like a spoilt 4 year old in Toys-R-us at Christmas time and that was the good part of it.

I found myself stumbling around the penthouse, medicated and unable to sleep, I ended having a slice of low Gi wholewheat toast with strawberry jam and 2 slices of processed cheese. Then played musical beds with one bed, not my proudest moment.

So where I am now on this momentous period of my life. My Renaissance phase, bloody hell I feel like an artist in the wrong era, or perhaps Michael J Fox at his prime in Black to the Future.

Honestly, I feel absolutely horrible today, down, tired, drained and a little shaky. Divorce has a way of looking for a hole in our armor and then hitting you hard and watching you bleed.

So have I seen any progress since it all began, I suppose I have or maybe I am just coping better with it. I tried no alcohol and that lasted a couple of weeks and I found myself smelling wine when it was opened. Strange? Never apparently all the wierdo's do it.

But I have made it through and have a haircut, eyebrow trim and then Rose (my alias for my hair technician) whacked me a couple of times on each shoulder. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response to that was so I smiled and waved!

Tonight I will see and old friend from my Army days, haven't seen him since 1985 so it will be great to chat about the past and see if the memories make sense. If any of my other Army mates are reading this, Tobie Willemse and I have finally managed to fit each other into our hectic social calenders.

Oh, by the way, if you were Monday where would you hide before you launched your full out attack on the world?
Somewhere between Sunday and Tuesday! Come on guys!

I forgot to partake of lunch today, so I am on the verge of peckish and starving at the moment. I shall return, but first Tobie, beer, memories and a fair amount of laughs.

Good night all

Dating 1 2 3

How do you meet people of the opposite sex nowadays?
Where do you go and what is the latest trend?
Is the man still allowed to buy the lady a drink or has that concept now been declared outdated and sexist?
What is a suitable acceptable age difference or is this totally irrelevant?

Perhaps I should clarify what is I am looking for in a partner/relationship/friend. I want some one to talk to, someone who has a bit of a sense of humour and a non smoker. Cleanliness is important, acceptance of my girls is non-negotiable and if she is a bit of a romantic it would certainly be an added bonus.

So how do I go about it?
Is 'Speed Dating' the way to go, what about those internet sites and how do you actually know that it is a current picture and the person is not a serial killer or even worse, still married.
Kids or no kids, and if there is no spark or magic initially do you simply sit through the evening or end it.

It certainly seems evident that the rules of engagement regarding courting have changed over the years. Do the woman now make the initial contact or is it still generally the man who is declared the official hunter?

I am intrigued by the whole dance, I would have said 'procedure' but that seems to make it sound too clinical. Sparring implies that each of the two 'contestants' are looking for the others weakspot and 'date', well I think it is more of an introduction than a date. All words and so harmless it seems until used in the wrong tone or out of context.

And as for the following words, are they now deemed politically correct?
Babe, honey, sugar, ma'am, doll, and what do the ladies call men nowadays?

It is certainly going to be a journey of a thousand words and not many a dull moment.

Night sugar!

Saturday and a Hug

Its Saturday. Early Dr's visit with Simon and then off to the pharmacy followed by breakfast at Smau's which was awesome.

Home, homework for Simon and TV for Nicole.
Dad on couch.
Complicated?
Nope its Saturday.

This is a day for lying back, for smiling, eating too much and spending it with the ones you love. A day to eat prego rolls and boerewors rolls so juicy the sauce runs down your chin, vegetable pesto pasta, pizza with hot stringy mozzarella or fried chicken and couscous salad with a crispy white wine.

If you have a partner, make them a cup of tea or coffee and hold hands as you stroll together, forget about the world and its madness for a while, imagine the 2 of you are alone and kiss is public because you just love life more than the strangers stares and giggles around you.

I see families rushing through life and so intent on doing life they forget to live life. Go to a busy coffee shop in a shopping centre and order something to drink and just watch people. See if you can spot the lovers, the workers, the sad and lonely, the hurt, the tired and the bitter.

What concerns me is that the only ones holding hands and paying real attention to their partners are the young and the retired. The inbetweeners are in the fast lane, hooting profusely and overtaking each other with spittle and sweat flying. We are racing towards divorce, nervous breakdowns, ulcers, heart attacks, cancer and debt. We have to slow down. We have to take an inventory of our priorities in lives and decide whether we want to change lanes or stay on the current route.

I chose unwisely and have the scars and divorce agreement to bear for it. It was never enough. To spare you the whole boring saga, divorce came, it took, destroyed and left it ruins behind.

The path forward has been difficult but not without its blessings and intervention of incredible people guided into my path.

Enough for tonight, if you with someone you love at the moment, give them a hug, a kiss and a smile.

Good night all.

Coffee and Gifts

Choice of CD for tonight is Good Charlotte – The Young and the Hopeless

I awoke, bathed and headed off for my session with R. The 2 main items on my agenda were gifts and coffee. Let me elaborate.

Gifts. I have been struggling financially since the divorce to make ends meet and as such have been assisted by friends and these blessings have meant that I am now in a lovely large penthouse (flat sounds so yesterday) with food, a running vehicle and paying the bare minimum to accounts until the sale of the house is resolved and I can make an informed decision on the way ahead. As a token of my appreciation for the love, assistance and opening of homes to me during this period of absolute hell, I take great delight in returning favours wherever possible by cooking the odd meal or the giving of a birthday gift. My friends and adventurers on this walk with me feel that I should not be spending any unnecessary funds on them, but rather use it to survive and slowly build a foundation that will enable me to breathe a little easier. This all makes perfect sense except for one tiny problem, my greatest gift is to please and assist those that are dear to me and the giving of a gift brings me untold joy in a somewhat difficult stage of my life.

Do I go with my heart and do what has possibly been one of the reasons I find myself in now or do I simply wave my bottom at the world and give the gifts? I don’t know and there is not a simple answer for this.

My second item was coffee. Yes the ground bean strained in boiling or nearly boiling water and served to your hearts desire, sweet and black, white and bitter or any of the aforementioned combinations. The difference is that this no normal coffee my friends, but has an ingredient that since the age of man has brought disaster, joy, war, passion and madness to man, woman. Yes I am entertaining the thought of coffee with woman, real woman, willing woman who perhaps need an ear, a smile, a laugh and of course some coffee. What does this entail for me? Well, it will get me out of the penthouse, allow me to meet new people in the same situation as I and might turn out to be quite fun. I think it will be extremely difficult initially and do expect the occasional disaster complete with glare, stare and flicking of hair. However the opportunity of friendship and sharing of life experiences could be bloody marvelous.

Supper tonight was an occasional to celebrate life after a tough day emotionally and physically.
Broccoli gently fried in butter with parmesan and served with melted cheddar, creamed spinach, baby potatoes done in garlic butter and rump steak in a sweet eastern marinade with freshly ground black pepper and pan fried in butter. All served with a smooth glass of red wine.
Good. Yup. Soul food.

I feel that I have reached a stage in my life and divorce adventure where I need to take another step and move onwards through the daily challenges before they wear me down completely. I am uncertain of how to spend more time with my girls and this is difficult and sad result of the devastation of divorce. Tomorrow is Friday and a weekend with the two most beautiful angels in the world awaits me, I cannot wait for my hugs and cuddles and all the exciting news of who, when, why and wait Daddy there’s more!
For now, a bath, a cappuccino and some mysteriously dark smooth chocolate and then retire to my bed and engage the Internet in some passive aggressive surfing.

Good night all.

breathe

Ever had one of those days where you wish there was no law against tapping people on the head with a 10 pound hammer!

Yup, today was one of those! I felt as if I was crawling out of my skin and wanted to rub my eyes on concrete. Bloody hell, everything, everyone, all the little creatures were just ruffling my imaginary feathers the wrong way.

And what advice did I receive? A single word, "Breathe"

Think about it, we do this all the time, but when all about you are dragging their nails on a schoolroom blackboard what are you going to do?

Breathe.

Slowly, deeply through your nose, hold it and exhale out of your mouth. Repeat this 10 times, not 5 or 8 but 10. Keep your eyes closed and it feels as if someone is peeling off the layers of stress. Do it sitting down and rest your hands on your knees.

That's it.

Sounds too good to be true! What about a vibrating rabbit that will run over your back and has been blessed by Siberian Meditating Monks and tested in a Japanese speed train on 2000 passengers. But that's not all, it is solar powered and a single ray of sunlight will keep it running for 2 weeks. Its healing and relaxing powers are the equivalent of 100 Zen massages and 14 days of alcohol induced sleep therapy.

Music of Choice tonight 'Creed - My Own Prison'

I ended my day buying a piece of meat I have no intention of eating tonight, going to the neighbourhood Coffee Shop and having an Americano with warm milk. Then a 100m drive to park my vehicle and drag myself and my piece of meat upstairs to my flat.

Only post today, a letter for an overdue account and phonecall so far tonight for an overdue account. Is it my incredible powers of observation or is there some sort of pattern emerging.

Positive thought for the day - Divorce is like planting a young tree, it requires love and lots of crap to make it grow strong and produce fruit.

Friends All Around

When life hits hard and hits low, friends step in, help you to your feet and walk beside you nudging you in the right direction.

They are there in times of trouble with a smile, a hug, a wise word and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. We all need friends. God bless them for all the unseen and behind the scene antics they do for us, often at great sacrifice and expense and expect nothing in return. Today has been another not so great journey and yet I have been given words of encouragement as I will list a little later.

I awoke tired and contemplated the day that awaited me, I desperately wanted to make contact with a friend, my rock, my conscience and counselor, but I couldn’t because I was concerned of ‘worrying’ her. So I went to work with a heavy heart and too much on my mind. I had been at work for perhaps half an hour and a message came through on my phone. It was her saying good morning and asking me how I was. This is what I am talking about, I was given the opportunity to express my fears and a friend had been there to listen.

I received other words of encouragement today, ‘it does get better’ and ‘when you’re going through hell remember to just keep going’.

Another couple who have been friends for over 23 years have insisted on buying me a return air ticket to Cape Town for a desperately needed break from Johannesburg, they also take my messages when I feel the walls closing in and encourage and help in too many ways to mention. My Irish friend, man, you have been through so much and yet you reached out to me from across the ocean and I had the privilege of having supper with you and chatting about life, loss, love, laughter and light at the end of a tunnel at some stage.

Oz holds another set of old friends who have not forgotten me as does Texas, Cape Town, Grahamstown, J’bay, PE, Pretoria, UK, Indonesia, Southern Cape and Stellenbosch. Not to mention Dr Toughlove and the family across the road that have adopted me.

Yes, I am tired of this journey and it has made me weary beyond words and yet it has taught me so much already. I have learnt that things are worthless and bring no joy or lasting satisfaction, love is not eternal but rather a gift that needs to be treasured and worked on. Blessings are all around us and it is our choice whether we open our eyes to see them or simply plod forward crushing dreams, feelings and loved ones in our pursuit of our wants.

I think what I learnt today can best be described as follows;
• Life is hard
• Divorce is a bastard
• Debt is self inflicted and cannot be avoided
• Life is worth living
• Friends are blessings that cannot be bought
• This is bigger than us
• Hell is a good place to grill a steak

And now I must have some supper, I have been listening to Jackson Browne – Running on Empty as I have been chatting to you.

Good Night my friends.

Long Weekends and Coffee

Well a long weekend has come and ridden off into the sunset, it stayed briefly and then seemed to accelerate through Saturday and Sunday.

I was thinking of food tonight, soul food, think of coffee dates and chatting to people about life, love and breathing.

Firstly the food, roasted crispy pork belly, cauliflower and a rich cheese sause and a fresh green salad with cold roasted vegetables and drizzled lightly with olive oil. I can almost smell it let alone taste it!

As for coffee dates, well the truth is I am lonely and even though I have only been divorced 8 months, I have in fact been separated for more than a year. It is not the sexual intimacy I long for, but more the company and laughter and tears of another human being. To be able to sit and just enjoy a cup of coffee and discuss interests, life, dreams and at the same time disappointments would be nice. Am I ready for this? I have no idea.

As for breathing, well it just takes life back to its most basic rituals. To forget about all the chaos and crap around us is not easy and thus we need to find a happy place. A place to switch off the world and just breathe. I am trying, but not winning at the moment.

Nicole made her first spaghetti bolonaise at her Mom's tonight and was apparently very proud of herself, but not as proud as her Dad is of her, well done my Angel. Simon had her sleepover and this morning at 4 I received an sms from her. We had an enjoyable chat and she is now dead to the world.

I have frequented the little coffee shop in the area and can highly recommend it, the decor is homely yet artistically sparse, service brilliant and the hostess/owner an absolute honey. As for the food, delightful and reasonably priced. I shall definitely make a regular spot for a cup of tea and something to nibble on.

And now I had better get to sleep I suppose.

Good night all.

The Art of Anger

It is indeed possible to upset someone by the use of a single word! In a conversation with your ex, the word 'mediator' is often confused with witchcraft, distrust, running over her cat or even mowing her herb garden because it smells nice. And the conversation pretty much deteriated from there.

Had I been in a somber state of mind or of a more passive disposition, I might have stopped there. But to truly kill a vampire, one must drive the stake in well and true and leave no area of doubt. Needless to say, my reception was as popular as a transvestite at a Springbok rugby training session.

The day was good with the normal minor irritations and the occasion curse flung at fellow drivers, lots of fun chatting to a good friend about a work colleague who would eat the heart of a newborn and then plead forgiveness whilst licking her fingers clean and oh yes, a dash of work thrown into the fray.

I ate too little then too much and kept the forbidden lager from my temple also known as my blessed belly. I avoided coffee as it was too late and would involve an early morning escapade to the loo on a cold tiled floor. This in turn would lead to a stroll around the apartment ending up at the biscuit cupboard, and thus it would result in a whisper of crumbs on my pillow.

I have heard a beautiful song by Linkin Park and a phrase that just made so much sense to me, 'I'm hard on the outside, but not all the way through'. Brilliant, almost like a burnt pork sausage, hard on the outside and raw within. Where am I going with this train of thought, no idea! Maybe I will return to it later.

Tomorrow is my brothers birthday, happy birthday Martin, hope you get this, call me. It is also the day before what would have been my 20th Wedding Anniversary. Enough said me thinks.

As Samantha Sleep begins sprinkling resting rust on my brow, I must bid thee a fond farewell till next we meet.

Sundays Thoughts

I have just dropped my girls and am now sitting in church, honestly I don't feel like I want to be here but it beats feeling alone when I feel like this. It is a safe place to be.

I would have thought that by now it would have been easier for me to drop them and just go, but it still feels the same and I find myself wondering how they feel. Simon always waits at the gate till I have driven off, it can't be easy for her. She is a teenager and with so much going through her head, she has to deal with divorce as well.

I have not found anything yet that takes this pain away, I want to drink because it numbs everything, but I am too scared. I want to run away, but my girls need me. So I am stuck in a hell I never saw. I need to go back there again tonight as I forgot to take the bloody maintenance money. Lovely. This is not because I have anything against paying it, but I do not enjoy going there.

Was life easier before this or was it just easier because I wasn't alone.

My girls are so precious to me and I treasure their hugs so much and miss them terribly.. When I drop them it feels as if I am leaving a huge chunk of myself behind. I am told it gets easier, maybe you just get more familiar with it or become hardened to it.

What else did I learn today, don't ask for someone's opinion unless you really want an honest answer.

Is it not amazing that in a room of 150 plus people I still feel alone. One of the positive factors I suppose is that you can be alone a lot easier and ponder your thoughts and ideas.

Positive thoughts for today, saw a newly engaged couple and they were just beaming. Saw full families and by that I mean Father, Mother and kids together and they seemed to be having a good time. My girls are amazing.

On the drive taking them back to their Mom's house not a word was said in the car. It still feels awkward.

Worst moment of the day, watching Simon standing in the driveway watching me drive off, it haunts me.

Good night.